She has seen the fall of an empire, divided by its rulers. Friends turned to traitors, sibling against sibling, daughter against mother
She has felt the pains of hunger, loss of beautiful friends tarnished by rust and grime
She has stared into the very deaths of hell itself. She has lost so much more than any pony could imagine
But still remains crying out for something anypony to hear her side. To stop this civil war between the two empires
Yet no pony heard her pleads, so she donned the armor she vowed to never wear
This story was inspired by a youtube comment on this song
this is also my first fanfic ever and probably the longest thing I've ever typed up in my life.
Chapters (1)
Yeah, it needs work. Nice concept, though. I think you're looking for a rolling cadence type of flow where vast powers clash and small ponies run for cover. like:
The Elements of Harmony seemed like broken toys to her now, shattered at the betrayal of their core. She had toyed with many artifacts since then: amulets, charms and ancient devices of ground-shaking power. They had all been cast aside as unworthy of the might needed to defeat two goddesses, united in their desire for her destruction. The first rune of silver fire she had carved into her own body had disabled her for weeks, but the blaze of power it released was far worth the pain, and soon she carved another, and then another, until there was no place left to carve her flesh, and the world seemed as fragile as spun glass to her new powers. But it still was not enough.
4272817 Damn you and your skills, but anyway thanks for the comment I really appreciate it! and I think I was aiming for that I just couldn't pull it off
Hmm. This story and picture just gave me a very good idea. Gaaah! If only I didn't just start seriously working on and posting my own first fic.
Your story here really isn't a bad concept at all. The problem is just how quickly you wrote it. Rushing through it all in one day without any drafts or second opinions is the only thing you really did wrong.
Definitely don't shrug off writing just because it doesn't look good with so little effort. Take your time. Keep reading good stories and emulate the things you like, look up what you don't know, and maybe pick up some editing. You will improve much faster than you think, and then sharing the stories in your head will just be fun!
Oh yeah, and I came across you while commenting on PaulAsaran's page.
4911185 Yeah rushing through it wasn't ever a good idea, and I knew it, but I just really wanted to post it. Currently most of my focus with is within digital art, although my motivation and interest never died for this story unlike my other one, I've considered doing heavy revisions, and enlisting somewhere for help, so possibly It might happen, especially with this being a one.
Garbage. Poorly written trash that couldn't be read.
Yet another on the side of idiotic tragedy fics that disrespect the fandom, and everything that is pony.
6354955 Yeah that's a pretty accurate comment, too bad a rewrite is in progress :P
6355711
still waiting on that rewrite