This story has been rewritten and can be found here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/12244/Fallout-Equestria%3A-Tales-of-a-Courier-Reloaded
Chapters (11)
a friendly hobo
Joined 24th Oct, 2011 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Tango · 78k words · 49 10 · 3.5k views
- Freeflyingwolf · 161k words · 30 10 · 2.7k views
- DiceArt · 16k words · 9 2 · 2k views
- ErrantIndy · 7.5k words · 30 2 · 2.2k views
- ScottWolf · 83k words · 81 8 · 3.8k views
- JustMoth · 94k words · 52 3 · 2.2k views
- Infinite Carnage · 41k words · 60 11 · 2.2k views
- Damhoof · 0 words · 46 9 · 0 views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.111 seconds
Total duration
983 users online
1,477,983 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Loving it!
Have a nice start so far, can't wait to see how you weal with the ghouls.
17895
17572
Thanks!
chapter 2 and 3 are ready to go, i just wanted to see how well it does
new chaps coming your way soon!
Good story, might want to find someone to read it over for you and find all the little mistakes you make. The ones I caught were generally capitalization and such. Here's hoping for more fun in the future, and to find that old rifle of his.
18488
i've had quite a few people look over it, guess its the small things we all slip up on
umm just wondering is this validated by Kkat?
26489
Nope.
Doubt it will be. But I'm not writing for his/her approval. I'm doing it for the challenge!
Reviews and comments are much appreciated, even if they are bad. I can always use input so I know where to improve.
26489
Theoretically, only Project Horizon is approved, mainly because Somber is one of the heavy hitters in the fiction department of the fandom.
This, and other side stories such as Pink Eyes, Gardener and other are simply made by fan of the work, an effort you can join and help them succeed at.
wo interesting start
meh just small stuff way better then some pplp out there but fantastic story line and dialog great structure
carry on my friend.
27184
Your comment just made my day!
This really motivates me because I was starting to loose confidence in it.
Spending the rest of this week revising my plan so it can only get better!
Here's a moustache for you all.
awwwwww ya this is awesome i had doubts but now that i actually read it i am not loven it this is pretty freaken awesome. Clover sounds like me i like to blow stuff to lol.
lol i meant now loven it lol o well
And i meant blow stuff up
i dont do blow jobs lol nop not this guy.lol
29213
Ha ha. Some of the other FO:E side fic authors had a good laugh about that.
Sorry everyone, there is an update coming soon but my internet is going haywire.
It is done and all that so just stay tuned!
Well then! Time for review!
I have some good bits, and some bad bits. Please take all of this as constructive criticism and not as any form of offense ^^
First of all, and definetly the worst of all in my opinion; I think the pacing in this is off. To my eye, it goes way too fast; things happen chop-chop-chop with absolutely no rest in between them. This is made worse by the fact that I think your sentences are kind of...choppy. They are (at least from my viewpoint) incorrectly punctuate, making them all string out way too long in the wrong places, and chopped up when they shouldn't. Granted, you improve dramatically over the course of these seven chapters, but there's still work to do there.
And on the topic of sentences; you have a few formal errors like badly conjugated verbs, letters that should be capitalized but aren't, and the odd badly spelled word. Not horrifyingly many, but still enough to notice.
Especially at the start, you also had (and still have) some problems with the "show, not tell" thing. As I saw it, a lot of what you wrote was simply telling us what happened, instead of showing it to us. Again, this is something you improved upon later in the fic, but still needs some polishing.
Alicorns.
Dude. Alicorns. If I remember correctly, they are pretty much the worst thing you can find in the Wasteland that isn't fairly unique, possibly with the notable exception of Hellhounds.
Meeting that as one of the very first enemies and winning against not just one, but 3-4 of them at once? That's not just unlikely, it seems downright impossible to me.
And finally of the "Bad" list... The way you handle wounds is a little bit off. Clover seems to be able to "power through" wounds that would at the very least severily hinder anypony else. The gunshot wounds to the leg in the last chapter comes to mind; this COULD be explained by this mysterious "Power of Trailblaze", but until we get that one explained it kind of seems wrong to me.
On that note, and moving away from "bad" to "gray"; I hope you have a goooood reason for Trailblaze. The psychological parts are all well and good, but you're going to have a good excuse for that magic he somehow seems to use.
And on a completely different note: two seconds is actually fairly long in a combat situation. (Ace refers to two seconds as short in chapter 5, during one of the Alicorn fights)
Say, what is "Ollie Ollie oxen free"? Never heard that phrase before.
Now, onto the good parts... Which unfortunantly are a slimmer section. I tend to not notice the good parts very much; I just enjoy them. Sorry xD
Anyhow; when Clover checks out his Pipbuck and goes "Tell me your secrets!"? That was priceless. If you don't mind, I'd like to use that in my own fic =D
I very much like the increasingly peculiar relationship between Ace and Clover. I also like Ace's personality a lot, so I'm exited to see what happens with those two xD
First person to use Centaurs; nicely executed.
"Professor Utonium"! Awesome reference there xD
And finally... Boom.
Thanks for reading through the overly long review xD
It's actually quite rare I write this long reviews :3
Continue having a pleasant day! ^^
45877
Thanks for the review!
The first few chapters were written before I got an editor and my first real attempt to write anything!
I completely agree with everything you say about the sentences and I am slowly improving.
As for the alicorns, my theory is that these alicorns have been severely weakened from being cut off from the goddess for so long, like the alicorns who resorted to using machine guns.
As for Clover's injuries, Trailblaze had not quite died down yet, a sort of "cool down" if you will, which was why he didn't feel the full extent of his injuries.
Also the "Ollie Ollie Oxen Free" was kind of a reference to the Spartans in the Halo books.
The beginning might be weak, story wise, because I was writing on the fly but now I have a plan and it looks fabulous.
Hope you keep reading, there's some stuff planned.
Thanks for the review, very appreciated.
May I also recommend reading "Heroes"? Its a brilliant side-fic and the author has really helped me get started.
46704
Hm, I guess being severed from The Goddess would weaken them. You might want to mention that, maybe through Knick Knack, so that people like me don't think they are at full power =D
That makes Trailblaze even more powerful. Again, you're going to need a damn good explenation for him. xD
Ah! Halo books. No wonder I didn't get it. xD
*shrug* Even the best stories can be weak at the start. I will continue to read though :P
"Heroes", eh? Will read that the next time I'm bored and need a fic to read. xD
Oh! And there was one thing I forgot in the review;
Your character Clover, and my own character Gears, are pretty much identical. xD
As in, they look almost exactly the same; both have gray coats, green eyes and black hair. They are also both 20 years old. The only obvious difference is that Gears is a unicorn and Clover is an Earth Pony xD
As I was reading this fic and doing some running commentary on it on the protodoc (y'know, the one you're mascot of? xD ), someone there (I can't remember who) said that it could be funny if we wrote some kind of co-op oneshot fic that made fun of this similarity. The best plot-idea that came was that one of them gets into trouble in a town or something, then the other gets roped in because of the similarities. Hilarity ensues. xD
While I thought it was a great idea, I would like to write a few more chapters on my own fic before I start doing other stuff though, so you have plenty of time to think of a response to this. xD
46740
That would be great!
46743
Awesome! We can talk about it the next time we're both on the protodoc =D
wow epic opening i'm enjoying it immensely
47175
Thanks!
It does get better.
Anything you want to point out?
This is so awsome!
This is so awesome!
47655
So awesome you had to post twice? I am flattered!
47284 yeah dive deeper into the combat sequences every bullet has a story behind it or at least thats what my dad always says
49566
Noted
more would be fantastic thank you very much.
and first lol
Chapter 8 will be started tomorrow
best chapter yet too bad Doctor Whooves ass is grass
This chapter was by far my favourite so far. Clover literally gave my shivers when he started talking about luck. Good job man, I hope to see more.
Also Tallie is adorable ;)
RUNNING COMMENTARY GO! xD
Hah! "I used to be a spy, but then I took an arrow to the knee". xD
Aaaaand BLAM! Friendzoned. Daym, friendzones still exist even in a post apocalyptic wasteland. That's gotta suck.
"Mysterious Mare-do-well"? I am totally calling it that they meet at some point.
A griffin kid, eh? Hm.
Woah! You killed the Doctor! Duuuude. xD
I haven't even seen Doctor Who and I react to it xD
Aaand off for next chapter!
...
I am very sure that chapter was not there when I started reading this thing an hour or so ago.
Oh sweet Celestia, that "fish tank" pun was horrible. xD
I still laughed though xD
"Why can't we all just get along?!"
I totally heard the warlock imp from WoW in that quote. xD
Second mention of Mare-Do-Well? If she doesn't become an important character, I'm a bearded gnome.
76989
Jack, I cherish your commentaries with all my heart,
I can already tell this isn't going to be as awesome as the original Fallout: Equestria. That's okay though, thats almost impossible to live up to, so here is a fair and balanced review!
I love the concept, the emotion, just about everything. I'm not digging the way your doing the first person so far, but it isn't killing my ability to read it. so you get... dun dun dun... 4.5 stars and a track! yay!
78598
yeah, first person was a bit of a whoopsie, but too late now!
You're a really good writer, and I loved fallout: equestria. It's refreshing to see a different writer style in this, i approve.
80580
This comment....it just made my everything.
Criticul94...I think....I think I love you...
81307
anytime.<3
oh, and I was messing with you about the first person thing, I'm writing a story in first person.
that bit with the raiders playing poker
its from halo marine tales right?
101948
Yup
Hey Hobo
I run a little Fan Fiction review site here at
http://supremestfanfictionreviews.blogspot.com/
I'm doing a little Fallout equestria week in a little
and i'm interested, if your interested in doing an interview as i'm reviewing your Fan Fic as well.
if you want a little more infomation hit me up at my email
nicholasdarcy@live.com.au
Have a good one!
~DarcySupremest
102802
Sweet! I sent you an email about it.
This had better have the "Ponimedes 2 Laser Defence System" in it... By far the best part of that desert.
Just as a request, in other Fo:E fics it seems to be a theme of the series to have the main character becom addicted to something. So I ask, why not clover? I think it's a common assumption that in equestria clover is smoked like weed. So it seems to me like a logical thought progression.
111373
Patience, my dear, patience.
"Bullet to the head" GODDAMNIT SKYRIM, WHY MUST YOU AND YOUR CRAPPY MEMES APPIER EVERYWHERE I GO!!!!