• Member Since 4th Mar, 2014
  • offline last seen January 7th

Thunderblast


I used to write horses with swords. Or horses with guns. Pick your poison.

Sequels1

T

This is Bloodvein. He's a pegasus. His family are full-blooded bat ponies.

He shares the same fangs and blood as his family, but is completely different from the rest of his colony.

Does he enjoy life in his colony? Only he knows.

Chapters (30)
Comments ( 216 )

This is adorable! Some if the dialogue is a little stiff, and here and there I think it could do with a bit more varied word choice and sentence structure, but it has a great set up and a ton of potential.

The premise is stellar, and I love all the world-building you're doing, establishing bat pony culture, and you do a pretty good job of 'show don't tell' with your descriptions. One place I thought was a little bit of a missed opportunity was when blood vein steps out into the main cavern. That moment would have been a great spot to stop and really let loose with the description, paint us a vivid picture of this enormous cave system with all the little bat pony homes: give us a visual of how they live, show us some bat pony's going to work or obtaining food or doing whatever bat ponies do. Do the bat ponies build store-caves? Do they carve out the stone or is it all natural? How is it lit? Is it a cold, damp cave or warm and sandy? It'd be a great moment to illustrate more of that wonderful bat pony culture you're inventing :)

Word choice wise, while I suppose it could be that since blood vein is still a foal he might not have as big of a vocabulary, I think the fic could benefit from a few more colorful turns of phrase; like, maybe instead of "running into his father's arms", it could be "he launched himself fully into his father's hooves, clinging tightly upon impact". Idk, maybe it's subjective, but I really think the fic could use just a slightly expanded vocabulary to really kick it up a notch :)

4479385 Thank you! :twilightsmile:

I agree with you there about the missed opportunity. I was considering adding something like that, but I became busy with something else (Not FIMFiction related) and quickly forgot. I promise you, the future chapters will have more detail to them. :raritywink:

And yes, though Bloodvein is still a foal, his vocabulary wouldn't be as big as it is, but his parents could have always taught him those words prior to his first day of school :ajsmug:

Thank you a ton for the advice, I really appreciate it! :pinkiehappy:

I will definitely use it to make the future chapters better, which i'm a little disappointed to say won't be for a little while due to me being busy writing another story, and stuff going on in life. For now, the story is on hiatus. Don't worry, it'll be back soon. :twilightsmile:

This chapter was a pleasure to read and really does show the father-son relationship between Skywatcher and Bloodvein.

Keep up the good work, Thunderblast and as always, I'm looking forward to future chapters.

I am thoroughly enjoying the story, that said it never hurts to have a friend or family proofread before you post I'm saying this because I'm noticing little grammatical errors that if not nipped before the story goes further might lead to some problems that could have been easily remedied and I know that there are some people who like to harp about grammar (I am not one of those people, I however have a pet peeve about consistent grammatical mistakes that could have been corrected if you had just bothered to have someone proofread for you or leave the room for a few minutes so as to better notice your little hiccups when you returned, sometimes you get so busy writing that you make simple mistakes that the auto correct is incapable of properly noticing.

4577446 I do agree. But other than a few grammar mistakes, this story is pretty good.

Blood's got some pretty interesting early experiences, those soldiers are going definitely get the worst punishment Sky can think of after Blood gets back home.

4934457 Yes, definitely :rainbowlaugh: You don't mess with Skywatcher, some would compare him to the devil when he's angry.


4934533 4934533 I think that would probably be too lenient:ajsmug:

Comment posted by Paladin Redflare deleted Oct 2nd, 2014
Comment posted by Thunderblast deleted Oct 10th, 2014

5061500 Thunderblast is my brother now too! Ain't that right Thunderblast? Just ask Spectrum or Source Code!

5061553 You're such a good brother! You know all sorts of internet lingo... but y don't u git orf my dik, u fukign casul? I'll fok u op m8, swear to Celestia!

5061588 That's it, i'm calling Fever to kick your ass.

5061665 the fuck did I read? 0.o

5078952 your comments make no sense:ajbemused:

5078952 is blood vein story related to 'the search for con mane'? Because night shadow looks an awfully a lot like blood vein.

5079505 Nope, they're different ponies.

Also, this isn't the end of the story. I have 23 more chapters planned after this one, with a new one (hopefully) coming tomorrow!

Even his dad is sexy as shit... good chapter brah!

I am intrigued :moustache:

Awww, Skywatcher feeling bad is making me feel bad too! I know that pain brah! Feels like your heart is gonna burst from your chest!

God damnit, are you trying to kill me!? That... was... horrible! BLOODVEIN, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I can already sense the coming feels! When they reunite... WHEN THEY REUNITE.... I will probably feel like total shit.

Sure, they don't seem bad, but then the public finds out, and then they get the torches and pitchforks, and a pretty pink princess and her husband blast you out of the country with a shield of love, or a white princess turns you to stone, or six mares burst into your hut and accuse you of making "Applebloom Stew", or a blue Pegasus kicks you in the nose when you're trying to sleep, or a bunch of ponies build on your tribe's ancestral stampeding grounds...

Hell YEAAAAAAAAH! Night Shadow is love, Night Shadow is life. And welcome to Batsburg...

Little sister?!?! WHY HAVEN'T WE MET?!

Nice story. I think this has been awesome. I loved the birth of his sister, and I loved how he met the equestrian ponies. I think you are showing very well the love in this family. I am favoriting this story. Thanks for writing it.

5206907 Thanks so much, you have no idea how much it means to me! :pinkiehappy: And there is much more to come, don't think it'll stop anytime soon! (There's at least 20 more chapters planned ^^)

5206936 Sweet!!! I hope we meet Luna soon. You have aligned everything to be just at the right time of Nightmare Moon. To be honest though I though little Blood was going to get amnesia or something and was going to say with Specter and Glimmer until he was an adult, and then find his parents again. I'm glad he didn't. That helps with his parent's lives and it proves your story isn't predicable. Thanks for writing this story. It was fun to read.

5206952 Again, no problem. :twilightsmile: I always tie my stories in with each other actually, if you read a couple of my other ones you can see that Bloodvein/Night Shadow appears in them. It spoils his present-time life a bit but it all ties in and stuff.

Sweet.chapter. I guess that means we soon start to see blood training to become a solider. I wonder how his Pegasus wings will hold him back, or advance, during the process of training.

passing barrack after barrack

last I checked they're called "barracks" not barrack, but I could be wrong. The reason is because before reading this I only it written like "a barracks", "the barracks"

5262956 They are, but in this term it's okay to use barrack. (According to my dad. He was in the armed forces for 13 years)

5262787 Perhaps. Only time will tell. :ajsmug:

I will try to get chapter 12 out this weekend, as it should be easy to write.

Oh yeah, how was that opening? :3

5263701 That was an intense opening. I keep on thinking that the father died or he was going to die this chapter. I'm glad he didn't. I can't wait to see what happens when Nightmare Moon returns. Will she try to make a deal with the bat ponies or will they hide from her?

5263822 Hehe, I'm glad he isn't dead either. In fact, in real time he's still alive and well. Though, chapter 12 I will say have a bit of a plot twist in it. That's as far as I will go. Who knows, I may even write it tomorrow because I'm pumped to get it out. :ajsmug:

5263841 Something tells me something big is coming. Wait. That was you. Anyway thanks for a good chapter. I can't wait to read the next one. The plot twist I sure is going to be epic.

5263948 I wouldn't say epic, but it'll be something. :raritywink:

Wow. That really didn't go to well. I'm excited to read the next part. Nice twist. To be honest I wasn't expecting this. I guess now we will see if Bloon can adapt to live with equestrians for a while.

5270504 I have a way of surprising people with this story, don't I? :rainbowhuh: :pinkiecrazy:

Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. :twilightsmile: I decided there will be an extra chapter added to the story between this one and what I originally planned to be Chapter 13, which will now be 14. Chapter 13 should be a short one when it is complete. (Maybe even under 1,000 words if I decide to, but I don't know yet.) It will probably be out this weekend, although I don't know yet. Just keep an eye out for it. :pinkiehappy:

5270539 I will do that. It's weird to think that Blood is in Canterlot. Also it is about the time of Nightmare Moon. I wonder what is going to happen. I can't to read that new chapter. Good luck writing it.

5270551 Hmm, I wonder too. :ajsmug:

There will be a bit of another twist in Chapter 14 (Unless you've read some of my other stories, then it won't be much of a surprise).

5270561 I haven't read the other other stories yet. I may, it just i have a few other stories I am reading first.

I can only imagine a bunch of sexy beasts walking around that base... with Skywatcher as the alpha male...

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