"Son? It's your father... Listen, I need for you to come out of there."
"No! I'm never coming out!" Bloodvein cried fearfully. He had locked himself in a janitor’s closet of his new school, after introducing himself did not nearly go as well as he had originally hoped.
"Come out of there, you dirtbag!" one colt yelled, before receiving a gentle, yet warning smack on the back of his head by the largest pony there at the time, Bloodvein's father himself.
"Please, Bloodvein, come out of this closet."
"Why should I?"
"Because," his dad began, before sighing. "There’s something I believe you should know, but I can't tell you right here. Just, come out, and I'll tell you what it is."
"No, I want you to give me a reason why I should come out!"
"That is the reason, son. Listen, if you don't come out, I'll call the Legion to pull you out themselves."
"W-wait, no! Please, don't."
"Then, please, come on out."
Bloodvein then sighed softly. "Fine.”
The doorknob twisted slowly, and out walked a teary-eyed Bloodvein, diving into his father's hooves and embracing him tightly while erupting into sobs.
After holding each other for a few moments...
"Come on, son. Let's go home," his father whispered, standing up and beginning to walk away with Bloodvein across his back, only to be halted by the teacher.
"Mr. Sky, today's school session is not over. He needs to stay with the class for another hour," the teacher said with a raised eyebrow.
Bloodvein's father then turned around, giving the teacher a stabbing eye, as well as baring his fangs, with a low growl emanating from his throat threateningly..
"I am not leaving my son here so your students that you should be disciplining pick on him. If this EVER happens again, I will personally see to it that you are let go. You hear me?!" He roared, voice echoing through the hall. The students all huddled together behind the teacher fearfully, who also recoiled back and began to tremble.
"Y-yes, sir."
"Good."
The two then walked out of the school-cave together, Bloodvein in pure shock and awe that his father had just told off the teacher, and even threatened to have her fired! He knew right there that he was no stallion a wise pony should think about angering.
"Dad?"
"Yes, son?"
"What was the thing you wanted to tell me?" Bloodvein asked.
The stallion did not reply instantly.
"Dad? Why did they call me an Equestrian? Aren't we all Equestrians?"
Blood's father let off a deep sigh. He let Bloodvein off of his back, and sitting down in front of him. "Look, son, I have not been completely honest. I think it is time that you learn the truth."
"Okay...?"
"I will explain everything to you when we get home, alright?"
"Okay, dad."
The two resumed their way back to their house, a dead-end cave branching off from the main one. After they walked inside, Bloodvein sat down on a chair, and waited as his father stripped himself of his armor, significantly slower than what Blood had been used to.
"Son..." he began, seating himself down in front of the little colt.
"Yes?"
"We are not Equestrians. Neither of us are."
"But... why? We are in Equestria, aren't we?"
"We are, but... You see, it is a long story. You would get bored."
"No, dad, I want to hear it."
"Are you sure? I-it's... horrible," his dad muttered at the end.
"I'm positive, dad. Just... tell me."
The stallion’s eyes grew reflectant as tears built within his ducts, something Bloodvein had not seen before in his life! His father reached to him and brought him into a tightened hug, and sniffed loudly, with tears rolling down his cheeks. Not like when Bloodvein locked himself in the closet, but enough to make a bit of a scene, had it been out in public.
"It all began about a thousand years ago. Us bat ponies and Equestrians coexisted peacefully. Then, something happened. The princess of the night, Princess Luna, became an evil entity that nopony could explain. She vowed to bring eternal night to the world, and succeeded at first, before being banished to the moon by her sister, the princess of the day, Princess Celestia.”
“In the years after her banishment, bat ponies everywhere revolted in response to neglect and disrespect received by ponies. This, in turn, resulted in a civil war between the bat ponies and Equestrians, and soon later, the Royal Guard. We did not want a war, but, we had no choice but to go forth with it."
"A-a war?"
“Yes, Blood. We managed to overwhelm the Royal Guard forces, who outnumbered us by at least five times, and made our way towards Canterlot. But, Princess Celestia knew we wouldn't stop until we got what we wanted, maybe even more. She did not hesitate, and used the Elements of Harmony, and wiped out ninety-five percent of all bat ponies,” he drew back, cracking a weakened smile as he stroked his son’s mane with a hoof. “You do not know your percentages yet, but, ninety-five percent means almost all.”
“The remaining bat ponies went into hiding, making the Equestrians believe we were all gone. We watched them closely over the years, they seemed... happier, joyous... that we were supposedly wiped out. Ever since then, no one that we know of has made any contact with the outside world. Nopony is allowed to leave the colony, ever. Since then, our race has blossomed.”
“So... that's why they called me an Equestrian. It's because of the way I look, isn't it, dad?”
“Though you look like a pony from the outside world, you are still a bat pony to me, and you are and always will be me and your mother's son," his father said, smiled.
Bloodvein also smiled, reaching up and nuzzling his father lovingly, who returned with a nuzzle of his own.
"Just remember, be careful around the others in our colony. To us, Equestrians are a danger to our race, and we would do anything to protect our cause, so we may live on in the future. We never wanted a war, but sadly, that is what it came to," Blood's father sighed, looking off to the side.
“Dad, though our past is horrible, I’m sure there's a way we could make it up to them!”
"What do you mean?"
"Why can't we just talk peace with them? It can't be that hard."
"It is, son. It's not nearly as easy as it sounds. They don't want us, and we don't need them. Our colony is thriving, and no matter what, it always will."
"But, dad, what if I want to do something about it?"
"Like what?"
"Like, I don't know, leave the colony, see the world outside, be free."
His father’s eyes widened, jaw slackening to partly open. He had to give some credit to his son for thinking the way he did. For his age, he was smart...
"I wish it could be that way, but, it can't. I want you to be as free as your mind is, but, I cannot lose my only son to the savages of the land.”
"You wouldn't lose me, dad," Bloodvein then smiled genuinely up at his father. "Because, I am like you."
A warm, proud smile grew on his father’s muzzle. "I could not be happier to be your father, Bloodvein," he said, hugging him tightly once more.
This is adorable! Some if the dialogue is a little stiff, and here and there I think it could do with a bit more varied word choice and sentence structure, but it has a great set up and a ton of potential.
The premise is stellar, and I love all the world-building you're doing, establishing bat pony culture, and you do a pretty good job of 'show don't tell' with your descriptions. One place I thought was a little bit of a missed opportunity was when blood vein steps out into the main cavern. That moment would have been a great spot to stop and really let loose with the description, paint us a vivid picture of this enormous cave system with all the little bat pony homes: give us a visual of how they live, show us some bat pony's going to work or obtaining food or doing whatever bat ponies do. Do the bat ponies build store-caves? Do they carve out the stone or is it all natural? How is it lit? Is it a cold, damp cave or warm and sandy? It'd be a great moment to illustrate more of that wonderful bat pony culture you're inventing :)
Word choice wise, while I suppose it could be that since blood vein is still a foal he might not have as big of a vocabulary, I think the fic could benefit from a few more colorful turns of phrase; like, maybe instead of "running into his father's arms", it could be "he launched himself fully into his father's hooves, clinging tightly upon impact". Idk, maybe it's subjective, but I really think the fic could use just a slightly expanded vocabulary to really kick it up a notch :)
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I agree with you there about the missed opportunity. I was considering adding something like that, but I became busy with something else (Not FIMFiction related) and quickly forgot. I promise you, the future chapters will have more detail to them.
And yes, though Bloodvein is still a foal, his vocabulary wouldn't be as big as it is, but his parents could have always taught him those words prior to his first day of school
Thank you a ton for the advice, I really appreciate it!
I will definitely use it to make the future chapters better, which i'm a little disappointed to say won't be for a little while due to me being busy writing another story, and stuff going on in life. For now, the story is on hiatus. Don't worry, it'll be back soon.
Even his dad is sexy as shit... good chapter brah!
Interesting... Given that it is fanfiction (and I don't know where in the timeline we're at...), the bat ponies are rather hostile to Equestrians. Do I smell a new war brewing?
I've got half an hour to keep reading these bite sized chapters and type out annoying comments like this that'll clog up your notification box.
Ponies ARE pretty xenophobic, this does not surprise me.
Huh... So Celestia used elements to commit almost complete genocide?... Reeeally "harmonious"...
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Sarcasm probability: 50%