Death of The 4th Wall
Once I emerged on the other side of the portal I saw Pinkie standing atop a ledge that was right in front of me. Instead of the bright, peaceful land I imagined I quickly noticed the ash choked clouds among the crimson skies, they hovered over the desolate ruins of what appears to have be a large, beautiful city. Pinkie looked at it as if she had just walked outside and forgotten her lunch.
"Um...Pinkie? What happened!?" I say in shock, hardly able to believe that such as desolate place could even come into being. It baffled me that she didn't appear torn up about it.
"Huh? Oh don't worry silly! Wrong universe again. In this one it looks like a different Equestria in the future after some kind of giant war with the zebras. Not a very friendly place. " She finished with a slightly glum expression but picked up her cheerful attitude again in the blink of an eye.
"Uhhh...okay." I decided life would be simpler if I just rolled with what she said.
"Next!" She shouted as she opened up another portal to what I hoped was our true destination. She quickly stepped through and I followed her, but not before casting a long look at the apocalyptic world we had just left behind. It actually reminded me of a role-playing game I had played before.
Upon making it through the portal Pinkie closed it behind us. This time we were in the middle of a giant field, actually it was more like a savanna. The grass was nearly up to my chest and it looked like we had truly found the middle of nowhere. Then I heard a rustling in the grass.
"Hmm...I think I've been here before! The locals can be a little hard to agree with sadly." She huffed as she paced around me in a circle. "They aren't always the friendliest but they can be kinda neat sometimes. Wanna meet them?" she asked me with an eager grin.
"I suppose?" As I looked at her I could swear I heard the rustling coming closer, and from more than one place as well. I could see distant parts of the tall grass moving as well.
"So um...Pinkie, just what kind of locals are you talking about anyway..." I asked hesitantly.
"I think they're called raptors or something...hmm. Yep, raptors." she told me. I bit back the urge to ask if she was legally insane.
"RAPTORS!?" I shouted at her and searched around my feet for anything that could be considered a weapon. Nope. Just grass. I'm so damn screwed... I thought hopelessly.
"Shh. They don't like shouting. Ooh look! There's one now!" she said excitedly as she pointing a pink hoof behind me. As if on command the raptor leaped at me as soon we made eye contact. Just before it reached me I felt like I was falling, I looked down quickly and realized Pinkie had opened a portal beneath us. I fell back onto the grass a short distance away from the raptors with Pinkie next to me.
I jumped to my feet and got ready to run for my life. Pinkie likewise prepared herself to run, though she almost looked as if she was having fun.
As we took off I heard the raptors behind us give chase. They were closing the distance on us fast. After ten seconds they were almost literally nipping at our heels, if I didn't know better I could see them smiling. I chanced a glance behind myself and the raptors were almost close enough for me hug.
I closed my eyes and prepared for the worst. I felt myself tackled right before rolling into the grass, still clutched in raptor arms. I sat in a huddled position for a few long moments, expecting to be ripped to pieces at any moment. Instead I felt the arms let go of me and I could hear...Pinkie laughing?
I nervously opened my eyes and stood myself. I saw a pack of raptors standing around Pinkie and laughing like they were old friends, not a scratch was on her.
I am high. I am so damn high. Oh dear god this is one hell of an acid trip. I thought to myself. That or I'm dead already.
Suddenly one of them turned around, then proceeded to run up and hug me. Smiles tend to be terrifying when they have more teeth than your entire family put together.
"Sorry we scared you that badly. It was just a prank." she said in a surprisingly clear, female voice.
Let's see...travel to an alternate universe...check. Meet a member of another intelligent species...check. Get a hug from a talking raptor...check. Now I'm just waiting to wake up in a mental hospital.
"Glad to see Pinkie made a new friend!" She smiled again. I mentally congratulated myself on not screaming like a terrified little girl.
"Um...yeah, how did Pinkie meet you anyway?" I asked hesitantly.
"We met her when she came riding through our village on a T-rex that was still trying to throw her off." she said as if it happened everyday, then again, I am talking to a frickin raptor.
"I see...well it was nice to meet you miss..."
"Scarlet."
Scarlet. Of course the raptor's name is Scarlet.
"and I'm David. I have a feeling we'll probably meet again if we both know Pinkie."
"Nice to meet you too. Bye!"
I turned to get Pinkie's attention, we had to get on with this acid trip at some point and quite frankly I didn't want to ask if they ever ate intelligent creatures.
"Oh alright, bye guys! See you again soon!"
"Bye Pinkie!" they cheered in unison.
As I walked towards Pinkie she tried to open a new portal, but this one was in the ground instead of standing up like the others.
"Dang. Well this should still work, go ahead David!" She smiled and gestured me forward. I stepped through and heard a portal open just above me as I did so.
Wait a minute...oh hell.
As I fell through the bottom portal I came out of the top portal then back through the bottom portal, repeating and repeating while I began to pick up speed.
"Piiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnkiiiiiieeee!!!!!!" I shouted, the pace I was going caused my voice to blur.
"Don't worry I'll fix it!" she said in a nervous tone.
I heard her open a portal next to mine and step through it, after just a moment of waiting the vicious cycle of my falling into portal after portal was ended, albeit not the way I would have liked. Rather than just a view of my back through the portal it shifted to that of a big patch of dirt, wait...no it was mud...I really, really hope it's just mud...
Soon I face-planted into a particularly messy patch of mud with all of my limbs spread out. I could hear the faint sound of Pinkie calling my name beside me.
"David? David!? Are you okay? I'm so sorry. I didn't want you to get hurt and mud was the best I could do. Please be alright...please get up." she said in a distressed tone. Slowly I began to regain my senses but I was still in the mud, I would have pulled myself out but my arms were sore from the impact.
Soon I felt a pair of hooves reach through the mud and haul me out. Once my face was out of the mess her hooves moved up to my hands after she flipped me around and began dragging me on my back.
I craned my neck around behind me while she dragged me a little further. I had missed a foot high pile of crap by only about ten feet. I guess I was sort of lucky at least.
"Thank goodness you're okay. I'm sorry." she said with a sad pout of guilt.
"It's okay, it's alright. You helped me out of that and I'm thankful for that. Are we in Equestria now?" I asked as I began to look for anything that might try to eat me here.
"Yep! Canterlot is juuust over there!" she said as she pointed towards a majestic city about three miles away.
"Awesome, well best start walking over there now." I breathed in relief that it seemed unlikely there would be another incident before we got there. Then I slipped and fell backwards.
In that moment I also remembered the giant pile of crap that was behind me.
I have smelled some pretty nasty things, and fallen in piles of stuff I would rather not talk about but this...this was...beyond horrible...
I sat for a few seconds without moving, the cheerful grin on my face had quickly became a look that begged for a slight hint of mercy from whatever deity or god I had pissed off to deserve this. Then I began to sink a little deeper as I felt some end up in my shirt. I let out a small whimper at how shitty my day was. Quite literally.
Why...why me...I swear I'll be good from now on...please let me wake up now...please, please, please, please...
Pinkie looked over me with a mixed expression of pity and disgust with my situation before wordlessly pulling me out by my clean hand.
Silently we began walking to Canterlot without a word between the both of us. Three. Miles. I have never quite understood the value of a shower until now.
Finally she broke the ice, maintaining a healthy twenty foot distance as she did.
"Sorry...don't worry though, later in the story we find a really nice place that gets rid of the smell. Oh and not long after this you find this one thing on you and you TOTALLY freak out but then I helped you accept it and mostly nice things happen afterwards. Today is gonna be a little rough though." she said as she looked between me and up as if she was addressing some weird dude in the sky that wrote whatever happened. At least that's along the lines of what she told me
"...what?"
"Just remember that while you're writing the story you'll need to go back and make sure you got all the parts right, otherwise some believe it could retroactively alter the course of our personal histories together and therefore rewrite THAT from ever happening and then THAT part could be rewritten because of the last thing affecting that but that could also cause a paradox which could prevent it happening in the first place to protect the space-time continuum!" she said without pause and then stopped to draw in a giant gasp.
I continued walking with an expression that showed the collective intelligence of a pair of brain-dead seals. Not wanting to put too much stress on all three of my functioning brain cells I mentally filed it away to think about later.
"Hey, seals can actually be pretty smart you know." she said suddenly.
Wait...what the hell? Was she reading my mind? Has she been able to do that all along? Is she reading it right now!? Oh crap, be cool be cool. Just don't think about anything you did last weekend or the time I- no, gotta stop thinking about it. That's the trick, gotta keep myself busy, maybe I'll just replay some of my favorite music in my head.
She looked at me with an amused grin.
"Don't worry, I try not to use my powers too often, and anything I learn I keep secret." She smiled a little mischievously.
"W-wait...so how are you...are you just messing with me?"
"Maaaaybeeeee...then again...maybe not! Maybe you'll never know! What if I've actually been reading your mind the whole time!? You know I can tell what you've been thinking about me..." she said with a wink to reinforce it. I think my brain just stopped working all together at that point. The last of my brain cells finally giving in as they killed themselves to end the pain of trying to comprehend her.
"Well it's a lot easier if you write it down but you might never know what I can do. Oooooh mysterious mare on the loooose." she sang in a teasing tune.
It'll all be figured out later...I hope
Soon we made it to Canterlot, the guards parted ways to allow us inside, then backing up several paces as I passed. Mercifully the streets weren't very busy as it was starting to get dark here. After a short walk into the city Pinkie guided us to a spa.
"Pinkie...I don't go to spas...I'm a guy." I said, hoping we could divert course before it was too late.
"Oh don't worry, guys go here too sometimes. It's really nice, and besides they can get you cleaned up really nice here too. Magic does wonders for removing all traces of a certain smell..." she said as she gestured to the smelly mess that still adorned my back. I think I felt something crawl onto my neck too, I silently begged and hoped that it was just my imagination.
She threw open the doors and we were immediately greeted by the two mares that owned the place. Aloe and Lotus, Pinkie told me.
"Oh my!" Aloe said as I came in the door.
"Don't worry. We'll make sure you're well taken care of." Lotus added.
"Sorry, I don't have any money. And I'm not sure you could even get this off..." I sighed in resignation.
"I got it." Pinkie said as she passed some bits over to them.
"Thanks, Pinkie."
"Right this way!" Aloe chimed as she led me towards their "emergency" room. Meanwhile I could see Pinkie heading to the spa area that was more for regular customers.
She threw open the massive double doors to the place and it turned out to be a big white room with shower heads near the ceiling pointed downwards, the knobs were lower of course. There were hoses on the wall near the door as well and the entire floor was a giant grate with a small but high pressure stream flowing in some unknown direction. I looked around and noticed more items around as well, connected to another room of the same size with an even wider variety of cleanliness tools. The whole place could be described as a hybrid between a car wash and a roman bathhouse and your typical spa.
She politely asked me to stand on the other side of the room and put my chest against the wall while she pulled a hose off the rack that was near her.
"Please remove your clothes sir, otherwise this will take ages. You may want new clothes as well..."
I reluctantly did as she asked, doing my best to cover myself. I threw the clothes in a pile a short distance away from myself, far enough that I could finally be relieved for the smell from it. I put my shoes farther away to make sure they weren't affected, somehow they didn't get anything on them and I was happy I could at least keep those.
"Don't worry too much, we don't have much of a nudity taboo in Equestria. If you like we'll give you a towel to keep when you're done." Aloe said as she noticed my discomfort.
"Thanks."
I heard Aloe switch the nozzle on before being assaulted by a blast of cool water. It pinned me further into the wall as all of the gunk of my began to fall off and down through the grate below me. It was just barely above how you'd feel after getting caught outside in a huge rainstorm and walking into an air-conditioned building.
"Hooooooly crap that's cold..." I sang in a stuttering voice.
Once I felt most of the material had been shot off my frozen back I turned around and felt the water blast my front side.
"COLD!" I shouted as the spray started high and went lower. I started to miss when I thought the raptors were going to eat me before, that's not as bad practically freezing your balls off.
After what had to have been days, but was actually just a few minutes, Aloe switched the nozzle off and threw me a towel to dry off with. I quickly dried off the freezing water and wrapped the towel around my waist. Aloe walked over near me and gave a quick sniff. Seeing as she didn't recoil away and gag registered as a good sign.
"Alright, seems like we were able to get it all off. Pinkie should be waiting in the main spa area. Feel free to join her when you're ready." Aloe said before turning to leave. "Oh and we'll burn these clothes for you, sorry, they were beyond saving. It looks like your shoes are good to keep at least. We'll keep those at the desk until you leave." Aloe quickly wrapped the pile of filthy clothes in a magical aura and my shoes in another before departing and carrying them out with her.
I took a few minutes to make sure I got the very last of the water off myself before walking out into the main area where I saw Pinkie in a big, warm, shallow pool with a few others.
"Heyyy! You look so much better with all that gunk off of you. Come on, join us. It's just Spitfire, Vinyl and myself." Pinkie invited me into pool with them.
"Hey Pinkie, he looks a little like James." The fire-haired pegasus pointed to me.
"He's a human like Anders and James. Cool. Nice to meet ya!"
"Guys, this is the guy I told you about, David. I Met him earlier today." She smiled proudly as if I were some lost artifact.
As quiet began to subtly take hold I got the hint to get in the water. Though there was the fact all three of them were staring right at me. I glanced between them all a little nervously trying to send the hint.
"Oh right." Vinyl sighed. "Anders was like this at first. Turn around and he'll get in."
All three of them turned their heads in the other direction while I took off the towel and slid into the blissfully warm water, bubbles cascaded over the surface and I let out a relieved breath of air.
"Ohhhh this is nice..."
Once I was in they all turned their heads back towards each other again.
"See! I told you spas were nice."
"Okay, I admit you were right. This is wonderful." I said with a big smile.
"Huh, maybe I'll finally be able to get Anders to go to the spa with me, he's been here a month and he hasn't gone once." Vinyl said to no one in particular.
"Wait so back up a minute, there's others like me here?" I asked, my mind finally catching up to me.
"Yeah, but it's just James and Anders, for now at least. We'll be sure to introduce you all when we can, they haven't even meet each other yet. James himself just got here less than a week ago." Spitfire spoke up.
"That's cool. Why don't you guys tell me all about them while we're here? We've got time."
"Oh, sure! I'll start off with Anders since he's been here longer. I'll start with how we met." As Vinyl began to tell the story of her and Ander's time together we all relaxed in the water and let time slip by until Spitfire spoke about how she and James met. Soon we got to the topic of Pinkie and myself as the evening outside slowly began to turn into night. The best part about all of it was that though I was a stranger here, I felt anything but alone.
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what do you do wen Pinkie opens a portal into your life? you hug her
4490719 Yes, perfect answer. Unless she's riding a T-rex, then you run. You run very fast.
4490728 I can so totally see her riding a T.Rex through a portal
it's the thought of her doing totally normal and ordinary stuff that actually gets me to shudder and look around in barely contained terror of what could be about to happen
4492245 Glad you enjoyed and
don't worry, there will be plenty more jokes and innuendos to come.
And then Ellis arrives and tries to ride Applejack.
"Horses are for riding!"
4500378 one problem with that applejack is a pony not a horse.
4860146 And I am secretly a changeling and I feed on love! Wait, shit! That was the one secret I was supposed to keep!
4860441 well i have a secret of my own, and ill tell you it i am in love with chrysalis.
4860461 Don't worry I'm sure she'll tie you to a post or something someday
best of luck. If I invest multiverse travel first ticket is for ya! Meanwhile I'll write stories that people will love, which in turn will help me survive and not just because I want to advertise like a shameless whore 
If I sound odd it's because it's almost 4 Am and my higher thought areas are off.
4860146
All squares are rectangles, buddy.
The long of that is:
A pony is a small breed of horse. A small breed of horse is still a horse.
4861444 i swear it like explaining somthing to pinkie pie its impossible!!!!
4862364
You didn't explain anything to me. You made a declaration. And I have stated in the past that my personality is, in simplest explanation, like a mix of Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie.
4863948 well in that case, might as well know my big secret...
4863948 I'M BATMAN
4864074
*Throws baseball*
4866265 *eats it*
4866473
"I love my ball..."
4867694 *spawns a million from the aether*
4867840
Scout voice: "Yeah!"
Connected stories.
I like it!
7686223 One murderous headache to really connect them though I'll admit
7687461
Oh, I'd imagine.