• Published 16th Apr 2014
  • 4,040 Views, 103 Comments

Your Resident Insane Doctor - The_Machinist

Nein! Who would have thought that the staff was capable of inter-dimensional travel?! I digress... I did not trust these ponies, nor will I ever, not after Celestia's... Reaction...

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I found your staff!

I was running like a little bitch towards the exit of the chamber. Of course I HAD to shoot the ceiling, but I was angry. What else am I supposed to do while angry? Actually calm down and let the anger dissipate? Nope! With Edward Richtofen, violence i0s always the answer to your problems, but I never wanted any trouble with these ponies before they put me in stone. All I did was accidentally raise some dead Royal Guards in a cemetery.

I slapped myself and did a dive roll, narrowly avoiding a falling stalactite. “Mein gott! For my sake I don’t think I want pointy things entering my arse right now!” As I ran out the entrance… Wait a minute… “That didn’t sound right at all.” Anyways, I ran out the entrance and into the main chamber.

“The Castle of The Royal Pony Sisters!” I laughed heartily and brushed the dust off my uniform. “Not anymore!” Along the way of me walking out of the exit, I was blowing everything up around me. Whether it be statues or that weird stone ball that contained my staff!

“... Well Scheiße…” I walked towards the partially exploded stone ball while clapping my hands. “Well done Celestia and Moon-butt! Well done indeed!” My face contorted to one of rage. “OF COURSE IF YOU HAD NOT HAVE TRAPPED ME I WOULDN’T BE SO FUCKING PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW!” MY face turned back to a beaming smile. “At least I found my staff!”
‘At least it’s a better spot than say… In my hands… Or in some sort of archives… If I hadn’t of blown it up by accident I wouldn’t have found it.’ I thought as a gripped the top of the staff. “YOU WILL ALL KNOW ME ONCE MORE!” I laughed maniacally as I yanked the staff out, thus beginning my reign over the Everfree once more. Or maybe not...

(1,024 Years Ago)

“Who, what, and where am I?” I groaned as I sat up, shaking away the dark spots that permeated my vision. I had landed on some kind of… Thing that used to be a cart, I think. Of course my back hurts after a fall like that. At least I think I fell…
I looked to my right to see a small horse staring at me, perhaps a foal? “Oi!” The foal yelped and hid behind a rock. “What’re you staring at?” I chuckled as the foal didn’t answer. I used my staff to heft myself up. “Und wait a minute here. My voice sounds different.” I patted my face and felt a decent sized mustache. “Oi! How the fuck did that appear there! I don’t recall having a mustache, but I’ve always wanted one so... YES!”

I pointed the staff in the air to celebrate, but what happened shocked me… Literally. Lightning jumped from the staff and into a lone cloud above. The cloud responded in turn by sending a bolt of lightning down to me, causing me to experience a small jolt.
The foal jumped once again at my outburst, but he stayed where he was.

“SON OF A BITCH! I GET THAT FOR CELEBRATING MY MUSTACHE! WELL FUCK YOU TOO CLOUD!” The cloud shocked me again in response. To which I shook my gloved fist at it.

“Is that a gem on your belt?” I whipped around to the source of the voice, which happened to be the foal, who was now curiously inspecting me.

I looked down to what he was looking at. He was looking at my spray…painted…rock… that is now filled with pock marked holes and is glowing orange on the inside. “Wunderbar…” I muttered aimlessly. I smiled deviously as I thought of an idea. “Say kid… Do you know anybody that is deceased?”

The foals eyes flashed with sadness before nodding and pointing over to a cemetery that I had not noticed.

“Well then. This is element 115. It is used to power several different weapons and can even raise the dead!” I pulled out my replica Ray Gun… “This is a replica of the all too famous Ray Gun. Of course, it can’t really fire, but if it did you would pull this tri OH HOLY SHIT!” I screamed like a girl as a green orb trailed by green gas flew out of the tip of the barrel, hitting a tree and making it explode.

“That was cool!” The foal shouted and smiled with glee. “Are you secretly a unicorn?”

I smiled and shook my head. “Wanna see more explosions, kid?”

(Twilight’s POV Present Day)

“Alright girls, we should be careful around here. You never know what might jump out at you.” I reassured the five of my friends that things would be fine. Not without interruption of course.

“Don’t worry Twi! If anything gets in our way I’ll have ‘em running in…” Oh please Celestia no. “Ten. Seconds. Flat!”

I facehooved. “Let’s just go girls.” Of course something had to interrupt us entering the Everfree again. It also had a Germane accent.

“You will all know me once more!” The voice resounded deep into the Everfree, more specifically the old castle.

“Oh no girls… We have to move now!” The five of them nodded in confirmation, and then we charged into the Everfree forest.

(Celestia’s POV 1,024 years ago)

I was meditating with my eyes closed while sitting on my throne in peace while Luna was dealing with a petty feud between families.

Naturally, this was the perfect time for my guards to barge in…

The doors flew open and the Captain of the Royal Guard, Storm Hoof, galloped towards me. I opened one eye as he stood before me, panting.

“What is it Storm Hoof?”

“Your… Highness… There have been… Reports of explosions along the edges of the Everfree. They say that something is firing green bolts of magic at the trees, making them explode. What should we do?” Storm Hoof finished with a pleading look on his face, as his guards hadn’t had any action for years.

“Amass the guards Storm Hoof. Go apprehend the offender.”

(Richtofen’s POV 1,024 years ago)
I had grabbed the foal and was now running away from the spot where we stood. A tree had flown into the air and crashed at that very same spot from where we once stood.

“Well shit! Wasn’t that close mein friend?”

The foal nodded his head quickly, still terrified from almost getting crushed.

“Perhaps you should go home. It is getting a tad bit late.” I chuckled as I set down the foal.

“Um… I don’t have parents. I’m an orphan…” He hung his head and sighed. “But I should go back, I don’t want nanny mad at me. She gets pretty mean.”

The foal was an orphan? Well that was a shame. I wonder what I should do to alleviate him of that burden. Perhaps just take him in on my adventures that I may or may or may not go on.

“Hey kid. I could ta-“

“HALT! IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA!” A voice sounded from behind me.

“Fuck! Hang on tight kid!” I grabbed the foal and unsheathed the staff. “I hope you can get me out of tis mess you piece of shit!” I pounded the staff on the ground and all was black.

(Richtofen’s POV Present Day)

I laughed like a mad man as I raised the staff above my head. Nothing beats laughing after you’ve acquired something you want! Other than acquiring a girlfriend… Meow. My laughing was interrupted when six little multicolored ponies wearing jewelry stormed into the room.

“Stop what you are doing mister!” The rainbow maned one called out.

“Yeah! We ain’t wantin’ to tussle with ya!” Cowmare? How odd.

“Nein! Bugger off will you? Unless you’d like to see my glowing green balls?” I smiled creepily.

“Stop right there Insanity!” A tall white alicorn called out from behind the girls. “Come with us without any problems, and you will be fine.”

“I’d like to think that I did nothing wrong thank you very much!” I readied the staff.

“You brought back an entire battalion of Bat Ponies from the Royal Guard back to life, and you made them attack Canterlot!” Celestia was furious… I could tell.

“And aren’t there a lot more cadavers below us right now in the caverns?” I clicked my tongue and smiled. “I suggest you back off.”
“If we have to take you down then we will!”

“Rainbow, don’t!” The purple pony called out to Rainbow, who was flying straight at me.

“How fun! I love a good game of BAT THE PONY!” Right when she was about the hit me, I swung the staff and knocked her off course. The strike sent her off course, causing her to fly straight into a pillar. She laid there moaning about me being stupid, to which I chuckled at. “How cute… You tried to attack me.”

I unclipped the rock from my belt and placed it in the staff’s top hold. The staff turned a fiery orange. “My turn.” I grinned maliciously as I slammed the staff into the ground, causing a shockwave to ripple towards the ponies, making them fall on their flanks.

Not everything can be done without consequences though, as moon butt was now here with an entire battalion of royal guard. I smiled and raised my hands into the air in a false surrender. “You win.” My eyes shot open and my grin became toothy when I heard the oh so familiar moans below us.

“Not for long…”

Author's Note: