• Member Since 2nd Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen April 10th

Xx soul sorrow xX


hi everypone I'm Soul sorrow <3 Subscribe for good reads ;)

E

Twilight was just a normal alicorn princess, until Sea Breezie is sad about his family not wanting to go home, so he asks Twilight out for an afternoon on the coast.

(This time I drewtthe picture by myself on Tux Paint. i tryed a sketchy style from then what Im used to. :) tell Me what you thank)

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 67 )

The art looks rather...bad, to put it bluntly.

Dat Cover Art.

Also, this should have an AU tag.

Dat cover art...... :twilightoops:

1) Twilight's characterization is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY off..... :ajbemused:
2) "Twilight stopped by Flubbershy's homestead and saw millions of breezes in her house eating a tea party."
*Fluttershy's
*breezies EATING a tea party......wut :ajbemused:
3) This story is TOO. FAST! SLOW THE EVENTS DOWN! :twilightangry2:
4) It says that Sea Breeze asked Twilight on a date, but to find out that he WAKES UP ON DA BEACH! Twilight NEVER ASKS HIM ANYTHING! :ajbemused: Wtf? :applejackunsure:
5) Applejack and Sea Breeze's character makes no sense :facehoof: hell, the TITLE makes no sense :unsuresweetie:
6) Elsa: "You can't just marry someone who JUST MET." :facehoof: (Frozen)
7) This story confuses me. :rainbowhuh:
8) This story confuses me. :unsuresweetie:
9) This story confuses me. :trixieshiftleft:
10) THIS STORY CONFUSES ME! :flutterrage:



GURL! I can see this has potential....sorta.....maybe.....kinda......ok, maybe not :ajsleepy:
But, you gotta fix ur mistakes! I don't get how Flutters would be THAT social....i mean knock knock, LOL, ;)..... Seriously? :ajbemused: And characterization is one MAJOR part of any good story....(not saying that my stories r good :twilightblush:) Twilight's a bookworm, not a gangster! I don't hear her saying 'man'...that's like, WAAAAAYYYYY below her character...i can hear rainbow say it but not Twilight :rainbowhuh: And didn't the breezies go back to their homeland, so WHY. THE. HELL. are they in Flutter's house???? :ajbemused: And how are Celestia, Luna, Cadence, her parents, Shining Amor, The rest of the mane six, Spike, and EVERYONE ELSE gonna react to her being a breezy! I mean, CMON! How would u feel of a recently coronated princess just out of NO WHERE turned into a breezy and is gonna rule Equestria while being a FRIGGIN BREEZY! SHE'LL GET STOMPED!

I don't wanna sound mean, but this story is getting my thumbs down... :fluttercry: You can rewrite it, with all the mistakes, fixed, that I mentioned (I stink with commas :facehoof:) and probably, it would get more......great:twilightsmile:

And...uh....I don't wanna sound again rude, but the cover art kinda scares me a little.....:fluttershysad:
So, uhh....hope u take my very awkward advice and fix this.....PLZ......
(Shoot.....why don't I ever fix my mistakes for my 'stories' :facehoof:)

Comment posted by PoisonedIvy deleted Apr 17th, 2014

Somehow I doubt anyone did any editing for this story as you so claim.

4250236 agree with ya mister :applejackunsure:

Yah know, at this point, I'm pretty sure that you're a troll writer. Just saying, that's the impression I'm getting here. :applejackunsure:

4250236 no I had my friend do the diting. it Was all up to her. :/ :ajsmug:

4250195 thank yu for your criteecuing (sorry i can't spell that @__@)) of my story I know Im pretty bad but Im improving form the last ones at least you know?

4250339 ya lotta peple think so. :/ :twistnerd:

Just a quick question if I may, how old are you? And is English your native language? :applejackunsure:

4251376 Im 15, highschool drop--out, and yea I speak english, oh, and I love MLP ;)

4251390 Oh, okay then, and who does the art for your stories? :rainbowhuh:

4251398 Usually it is one of my friends i used to go to go school with, but now we are just friends. yeha this time i tried drawing it

4251418 Okay then.
I'll give it to you straight on what I think about your writing.
I sincerely advise you to take further English lectures before writing a solid story to publish out onto the public media. It is quite evident that the vast majority of people at FIMfiction do not like the stories you publish. I would see that as a red flag for you to take a step back and study about grammar and spelling. Not only that, but you also need to stick with the canon characterization of characters, especially the Mane 6. People also do not favor a badly placed plug in of an original character, so I suggest avoiding that as well. Having an editor is great, but your writing should already be readable before even handing it to your proofreaders and editors. I'm 15 myself and I admit I have a long way to go, heck, I'm not even in the Western countries, but to have English as your main dialect? I really advice studying more. I suggest you take pointers and tips from other authors around here or even the internet in general. Also, the art. The art is not pleasant and I advice to either improve it, or drop it all together.

Please understand that I do not want to degrade you, I simply want you to write much better so that FIMfiction can have another author that this site can be proud of.

If however, this is just a troll account, please read this next set of lines and disregard my note above:
Fellow chap, don't you have anything better to do with your time? :trollestia: :rainbowlaugh:

4251519 yeah but i hischool dropout i cant get English lessons no more. I used to :applecry:

Obvious troll is obvious. Seriously dude no one can be that bad in English in fact the last troll to use horrible spelling was the chick who wrote my immortal the infamous harry potter trollfic.

4252241 Oh I do a troll fic once it wasnt published though :(
If yuo want i can gibe you linck.

4251644
Even as a high school dropout your grammar is...unusually terrible. I had better English than you in third grade.

However, can I ask why you dropped out?

4253191 I drop out because i didn't like school anymore. i wasnt getting anywhear in popolarity and i'd getting bullied because i liked ponies so my mom said i could drop out. Yeah. :ajsleepy::twilightoops:

4253333
Ummmm...wow.

School isn't about popularity...

But just so you know, most communities offer various classes for people no longer in school. Even if they don't, libraries can help immensely.

I hope you at least get your GED

4253333 There are online sites that can tell you how grammar works, but your main problem is spelling. Find an online dictionary, comrade.

Also, I know you're proud of your art, so am I whenever I draw, but I'd recommend using other people's art instead. Try deviantart.com for quality art.

Also, find another editor. Preferably within this site. If what I see from the comments holds true in the story, your editor is not much better off than yourself.

Good luck with your adventure, comrade.

Oh god. It's looking at me!

4251200 yea....I think 0_o

*critique

Anyways, ur welcome ^_^

4251390 Wait, why are you a highschool dropout?

4255856 cause I was super bullied yeahn :twistnerd::trixieshiftleft:

First:
Twilight stopped by FLUBBERSY's homestead
Second:
Breezies in her house EATING a tea party.
Third:
He's having a panic attack because he wants to go to bed but it's not his bedtime and he's socially awkward."
Fourth:
Twilight picked Sea Breezie up with her magical alicorn magic and Sea Breezie BROKE HIS LEG in the process. It was a accident, though. So it's okay.
Sixth:
BRAIN CANT PROCESS
Seventh:
BRAIN CANT PROCESS:raritydespair:

4260415 lol yeah there were some grammer erors in it :rainbowwild::fluttercry:

Ara

love ur story dont listen to haters

I find the comment section on your stories rather funny, because people think you're actually being serious about this whole thing. They act like you're stupid, but the only ones stupid here is them for not knowing the obvious. :trollestia:

I am going to attempt to point out all the problems I can find.
This is going to be the death of me.

Twilight galloped through the nite and she

Night*

"Knock, knock."
"Whose there?"
"It's Twilight."
"LOL Twilight who?"
"Girl, that isn't even funny anymore. ;)"

Is this supposed to be Fluttershy answering the door?
And... Emoticons.
Don't ever do emoticons in stories.

It smelled like cabbage and cat hair even though Fluttershy doesn't have a cat.

I'm not exactly sure if the 'Even though Fluttershy doesn't have a cat' part is necessary

Fluttershy brought Twilight some tea, but Twilight's body rejected it because she's allergic to cinnamon and the tea had cinnamon in it.

Run-on sentences
Also, 'Twilight's body rejected it'
Lolwut

"Oh my God. Twilight, you're super nice, but I got it covered, girl. I'm a animal expert."
Twilight looked shipped.

Flutter is still OOC, and what does 'Looked shipped' even mean?

"Are you sure? I can take some off your hands, man."

Twilight is OOC

"Silly, I don't have hands but you can take Sea Breezie over there. He's having a panic attack because he wants to go to bed but it's not his bedtime and he's socially awkward."

1) That doesn't sound like something Seabreeze would do at ALL (Also it's Seabreeze, not Sea Breezie, unless I'm thinking of the wrong character)
2) Flutters is OOC, again
3) 'Silly, I don't have hands' The parts with Twi saying hands, and Flutters pointing it out, are unnecessary

He was blue. Daba di, daba dai.

The heck does this even mean?

He was a Breezie and he had wings.

i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/007/666/_57c8a1a431a592af806925e57258202f.png

"I'll take it." Twilight said in a loving voice

Suddenly, Seabreeze is an 'It'

Twilight said in a loving voice that was loud enough so Sea Breezie would hear it and know he is loved but he didn't know because he was busy crying and Fluttershy didn't like him because he cried too much.

Run on sentence, again.
'And Fluttershy didn't like him because he cried too much.' (I don't think I need to mention the problem with that statement)

"Okay, coolio. Go get it," said Fluttershy.

OOC Fluttershy

Twilight picked Sea Breezie up with her magical alicorn magic and Sea Breezie broke his leg in the process. It was a accident, though. So it's okay

What.

Twilight took the Breezie down the street through the hood and they walked. He stopped crying because he likes walking in the hood.

'The Hood'?

"So your name is Sea Breezie?"
"No, I'm Twilight. Your Sea Breezie."
"Oh, sorry I ask."

Who's saying what here?

Then Twilight tripped and dropped him and Sea Breezie started bleeding bad. His blood was a crimson rainbow. Twilight knew what to do. She took one year of medical college and back in college, she learned a technique. If someone was bleeding bad, she should wash the scar so it stops bleeding. Twilgight galloped like earlier to the ocean where she would baptize Sea Breezie in the cooling waters of friendship. The only water that would work was the one from ocean and sea because of Sea Breezie. It was even in his name. That's how he got. When she was a baby, he got that scar on his face and had to wash it in the ocean. And then his mom named him Sea Breezie. Twilight read this in a article and knew about it.

I'm going to attempt to show all the problems with this.
'His blood was a crimson rainbow' That makes no sense.
'She took one year of medical college' If their human counterpart's ages in EQG are anything to go by, the Mane 6 are only Teenagers. Although that's just my headcanon.
'Twilgight' *Twilight
'The only water that would work was the one from ocean and sea because of Sea Breezie. It was even in his name.' But his name is Seabreeze :trollestia: (But seriously, that makes no sense as well)
'work was the one from ocean' Incorrect grammar.
'That's how he got.' I think you mean, That's how he got his name.
'When she was a baby, he got that scar on his face and had to wash it in the ocean.' When she was a baby, he got that scar. (I think you can see the issue)
'Twilight read this in a article and knew about it.' An article on what? The internet?

Sea Breezie was moaning like "Ewwwwwwwuuugghhh." He had an Italian accent. Twilight had a thing for Italians. Twilight got real mad real fast. They went to the sea.

If Twi has a thing for Italians, then why does she get mad?
Also, why does Twi have a thing for Italians?

They went to the sea. They were there. Twilight washed his scar in the raging riptide water. It was salty like salt. That''s because it's salt water. It was salty.

i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/007/666/_57c8a1a431a592af806925e57258202f.png
Also, just remove the word Riptide alltogether

Sea Breezie was baptized in the name of Father the son and the Holy Spirit. He was a Christian. He was already baptized before though. It's not how you get baptized, because that's not how you get baptized but he was hurt so he just did it.

I'm not sure what to say about that. Just remove it altogether.

He almost drowned but he was okay. He coughed up some salty sea water like a whale or something.

Twilight almost drowned him, but it was an accident so it was okay.

Twilight burped him like he was her child. Twilight was a lonely lady though.

I don't... I'm not sure I can continue reading this. It hurts my brain.

he didn't got no kids and she had a lonely soul.

Is Twi suddenly a rapper?

over her boney shoulder that was purple.

You don't say count: 3

Twilight relaxed with her toes in the water.

Flubbershy: '"Silly, I don't have Toes'

they were screaming like CAAAW CAW. They swooped around and picked up some baby sea turtles and ate 'em. That's the curcle of life. But Sea Breezie wasn't a turtle so they left him alone. They left him for death.

I'm not even sure what to say to anything in this story without repeating something I've said previously.
Also, Circle*

and woke her up and she was awake.

Remove 'And she was awake'

"Hi, Sea Breezie. How are you holding up?"

This is possibly the only in character line for Anyone in the entire story.

"Well, My leg is still broken, but I got the scar healed up where I started bleed bad." Sea Breezie smiled.
"That's an improvement!!!!!!!!" Twiligth exlaimed.

Seabreeze is awfully blunt, and happy about it to it seems.
Also, Twilight*

Then Applejack came.
"Howdy, Woody's Roundup gang. Howdy."

Random Toy Story reference that makes no sense whatsoever considering the current situation.

"Hey, Applrack. I'm helping Sea Breezie getting better."
"Yeehaw little doggies. Saddle up, y'all."

Mane Six name misspell count: 4

Then Sea Breezie hugged Twilight and said "We're getting married."
But Twilight pushed away and laughed.

To quote coolrose60
Elsa: You can't marry someone you just met!

Then pplejack said "Woah there, lover boy."

Mane 6 misspell count: 5

Then Twilight said, "We're not getting married.......................yet." then she winked at Applejack. Then at Sea Breezie, then at Applejack again.

To many periods. Also, Twilight should sign up for the awkwardly long winking competition.

Applejack looked really sad.
Little did they know that Applejack liked Sea Breezie for years now, ever since he broke up with Worm Lover who was pegasis. She was gross, that's why they broke up. He lost a bet.

1)Worm Lover. Is this on purpose?
2) Pegasus*
3) I'm not sure who you're referring to half of the time, because you seem to be constantly mixing up he and she.

Then Twilight leaned in.
"What's wrong Appleman?"
"Well, shyoot, Twi-twi. I darn done it now. I like Sea Breezie more than a rattlesnake in Joo-Lie."
"Oh," said twilight. "Well, too bad."

So let me get this straight. Twilight Sparkle, the princess of friendship, personal protege of the nicest ruler in all of Equestria, Bearer of the Element of Magic, just said that.
Also, capitalize Twilight.

Appjack walked away crying like a coyote with the flu.

Mane Six Misspell count: 6

Twilight reached a loving arm out but Apple just kept walking.

Two seconds ago: "Oh," said twilight. "Well, too bad."

She walked the line like Johnny Gill Ca$h. Yeah.

Another unnecessary reference.

Twilight hugged Sea Breezei except he was really tiny so he just hugged her toe nail. They were super in love.

So if he breaks a leg from magic, does he die from a hug?
Also, Seabreeze*

Twilight told Sea Breezie a story from her heart about love.
"There once was man from Virginia. He was a good fat guy, and he loved a girl named Kati. But Kati rejected him because she doesn't like barbeque sauce and he owned a barbecue sauce packet at home. He was fat too. But Kati don't care what you look like. It's what's inside that counts. Like Stuffies.

1)No humans in Equestria.
2) You call him fat twice.
3) If 'Kati' doesn't like him for his possesion of a BBQ sauce packet, then why does she say that what's inside that counts?
4) Stuffies
5) Missing quotation mark at the end

Sea Breezie started to cry, then he kissed Twilight under the reflection of her eyes like the sea. Their love was an ocean reflecting their love that was vast like the ocean. It was big.

You don't need to repeat that the ocean is big.
We get it.

They loved one another for their true selves. Even though under their own beautiful water was dead fish and garbage they knew they loved each other. Their love could last.

What.

"No, Twilight." he said back in his Dutch voice. "You would be a breezie forever."
"I don't care. I want to be with you. And make believe with you. And live in harmony, harmony. Oh, love."

I can't help but wonder if Twilight loves Seabreeze for the temporary Italian accent alone.

Then Sea Breezie pulled out his magical wand and cast a spell. It said
"Oh, make THEE
A Breez-EE!!!!!!!!!!!"

Because all of the breezies have magical wands. Also, couldn't Twi have done this to herself? She had the Alicorn magic to do so after all.

It even rhymed so Twilight transformed from an Alicorn to a Breezy in a snap, skip and a jump.

Isn't the saying 'A hop, Skip, and a Jump'?

Sea Breezie and Twilight lived on and their love was a fire of blood and love. And they loved each other.

Remove 'And they loved each other'

Anyways, I'm not sure if this is a trollfic or not.
I hope it is.
I'm four years younger than you and I write better.

4398387
oh thx man i geuss sparkleshiper is a badd editorer/. :PPPPPP i got a new one tho so its all good
but the reyson im not good at spellign and stuff is bcause i skip school alot, yeah. So yeah, aobviously your gont to be bettr then me. uits the ways the cookie crumbles. but yea ithink ill just start a new wirth a new storyie and leave it alone. leav it be ykniw??? :)n ;(

4398741
Well, I guess you seem to be able to handle criticism well...:rainbowwild:

*inwardly groans at everything*

So from what I gather, you dropped out of high school because you "Weren't getting anywhere in popularity and got bullied because you liked ponies". Is this supposed to be a viable reason for the abomination that is your grammar, spelling, and overall logic? School isn't about popularity, and bullies are usually easy to outsmart. There's plenty of classes available to dropouts, and you could always read books on the subjects in libraries. I'd recommend postponing anymore writing 'til after you've read up on the subjects.

4691990 I am :( im not writin write now and i might quit this site lok at my art site xskettigo-catloverx.deviantart.com for the info. :((((((

Um... No offense, but the person who edited this.. Is he or she blind? Or are you lying? If she or he had edited, he or she would have noticed all the spelling mistakes. I want an answer please.

Jesus Christ, everything about just screams that you're a nine year old that made an awful attempt to be an author.

And the rest of your stories like goddammit you're persistent I'll give you that. But you stories are awful. Like after 20 fics that can't even get a small number of people to outnumber the downvotes is a sign that you should give up on writing.

6240634

I know, thanks for noticing.

*sarcasm*

Based purely on the use of text speak, asscaps and multiple exclamation points, I'm going to guess that this was written by a teenage girl.

6240773 Yes, a girl. I don't know about you, but in my experience, the only people who type things like this...

This was brought to you by meee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<3!!!!!!!!!!

...are girls aged roughly thirteen to sixteen.

6240840 Experiences with thirteen year olds? Do tell...

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