• Published 15th Apr 2014
  • 12,300 Views, 466 Comments

Twilight Sparkle And the Very Confusing Day - kudzuhaiku

Twilight and her friends get together for a sleepover, and Discord wants to join. Twilight insists that the sleepover is mares only. Discord obliges the only way he knows how.

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Chapter 3

“This is all so very unseemly.” Rarity whined. “It keeps slapping up and down against my belly as we walk. This isn’t very ladylike.”

Twilight scowled.

“And there are little dribbles of some kind of sticky goo as it slaps up against me. I can feel my pelt becoming soiled and icky.” Rarity cried, her voice now hitching from her state of panic. “And mares. Mares all around me. I can smell them!”

“Rarity, please! We’re all having this problem!” Twilight Sparkle snapped.

“My belly hairs are so soft.” Pinkie Pie commented, squirming, causing herself to rub certain parts of her anatomy together.

“Pinkie Pie, stop arming your party cannon!” Twilight Sparkle commanded.

“This cannot possibly be what stallions go through every day. They make it look so easy.” Rarity whined, her words grating on the last nerve Twilight had left.

“Is it wrong that I can’t stop thinkin’ about my brother’s teats?” Applejack inquired.

“Yeah Applejack, that’s uh, not good.” Twilight said. “Perhaps now is not the time to be honest.”

“Just so big and bouncy. Like two plump dangling apples…”

“UUUUUUUUUUUUGH!” Twilight Sparkle grunted.

“We’re close now, I can hear the screams.” Rarity said, fear edging into her voice. The group rounded the corner and into the marketplace, meaty slapping sounds coming from beneath them as they trotted along, Rarity on the verge of hyperventilating.

Before them lay bedlam. Fluttershy stood close to a stall, a mare backed into the corner cowering from her.

“That’s the jerk that cheated Fluttershy on tomato prices!” Rarity warned.

“Lookin’ like he’s about to go into the cherry business.” Applejack drawled.

“Applejack!” Twilight protested.

“Just sayin’!” Applejack replied.

“Oh, I can’t watch!” Pinkie Pie said. “Not without touching my party cannon.”

Two parts of Twilight Sparkle’s anatomy throbbed in unison. “Hold it together girls. We don’t want to see any pony get hurt.”

Twilight’s companions nodded.

“Applejack, go get her.” Twilight urged.

Applejack rushed forward with her lasso, roping the frisky yellow pegasus. The tomato seller took the opportunity to run. Applejack began to run around in a circle, tangling Fluttershy up in the rope, coiling it around her legs.

“I’m so sorry, I can’t help it!” Fluttershy cried. “But I have needs!” She kicked outward, snapping the rope into several shorter pieces. Applejack looked on in horror as Fluttershy took to the air and flew away. Fluttershy had broken the rope as though it was twine.

A brown mare emerged from behind a stall. “Is he gone?” She asked.

“You’re safe.” Pinkie chirped.

The brown mare eyed them warily. “This regeneration has gone not as planned. I don’t remember dying.” Twilight Sparkle felt even more confusion.

“Time Turner?” Twilight asked.

The mare nodded.

“Do you know anything?” Twilight queried.

“No. I am just as confused as you.” Time Turner said. “But something is clearly wrong. I need to get back to my clock shop.” The brown mare departed, cautiously working her way down the lane.

Dinky Doo Hooves trotted down the road, making her way to the library. She had heard other foals were there, Rumble and the Crusaders. The whole town had gone mad. And something was terribly wrong with Dinky. She was still cute, still adorable, but there was something wrong. She hoped that Twilight could fix whatever it was that was wrong.

And there was something wrong. So terribly wrong. Dinky had sprouted another horn. And mommy had flown out the window, muttering strangely and shaking badly. Twilight was a good pony and Dinky knew she could trust Twilight for help.

Shining Armor awoke, yawning, and stretching out. He froze. Something seemed wrong. Cadance was pressed against his back. She was breathing heavily. And there was something, something pressing up against him, it started off with a soft pillowy something down near his dock and something long and hard that traveled halfway up his back. He felt a cold prickle of fear travel through his body.

And there was something missing. Something missing from his own body. Something vitally important. He swallowed a few times.

“Ooh Shiny… I like hearing you swallow.” Cadance said in husky tones. “Shiny, honey bee, I have a problem.” Shining felt a cold chill flash through his new anatomy.

“I have those problems too. Had…” Shining Armor trailed off. “And you always told me to go take a cold shower or learn how to control myself. You said there was too much to do in the mornings.”

Cadance’s breathing became heavier. “I was a fool Shining. I didn’t understand. I was wrong.”

Shining felt Cadance’s hips flex, and something rubbed along his back. “Mornings Cadance!” Shining squeaked, “Think of the morning schedule!”

“Oh, I am. I need to schedule a little personal time with you.” Cadance cooed. “And right now, I want to wear you like a sock.”

“Cadance! You are not yourself!” Shining said.

“Oh but I am Shiny. I am the Goddess of Love. And I have needs. Love me Shiny.” Cadance pleaded. “I’ll be tender and gentle, I promise.”

Shining Armor could feel Cadance’s heavy breathing on his ears. Suddenly, he was very, very aroused himself. “Cadance, are you using your magic on me?”

“No.” Cadance purred. “And while I am very concerned about what is going wrong, I have other, more pressing needs.” To illustrate her point, Cadance pressed her need up against Shining and rubbed him a few times.

Shining started to roll over, but Cadance stopped him. “No Shiny, like this. From behind. All lovey spoony.” Cadance whispered in velvet tones. Shining felt two legs pull him close.

Shining Armor began to titter nervously like a school filly as Cadance pressed her nose into his neck, pressing little kisses along the sides of his mane, planting little nips behind his ears.

“You busted my filly ribbon and now, turnabout is fair play.” Cadance growled, pulling even tighter, her movements now becoming jerky and frantic.

Twilight Sparkle pushed her way into the hardware store, looking around. “We need chains.” Twilight said, looking at the back wall. “Those chains. Used for securing wagons and plows.”

Applejack nodded.

“Are you sure this is necessary?” Rarity inquired. “Seems cruel to chain up Fluttershy.”

“And kinda kinky.” Pinkie Pie added.

“She broke the rope.” Twilight Sparkle reasoned.

“That she did.” Rarity replied. “I can’t believe sweet innocent Fluttershy is behaving this way.” Rarity paused, thinking about her words. “Wait, I can. I know her better than anypony. Twilight, dear, we must hurry.”

“Fluttershy doesn’t always deal with pressure very well. I can’t imagine what this is doing to her.” Applejack said. “I can’t believe what this is doing to me right now. I could plow a field with this thing.”

“I don’t know how stallions manage to leave the house.” Pinkie said. “Or how they make these things behave. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel safe when I turn back into a mare. Every mare I meet smells so good. Like fresh baked goods.”

“If you ever turn back into a mare.” Twilight deadpanned.

“No!” Pinkie cried. “I like being a mare. The party cannon is fun, but it is big and dangly and gets in the way. My filly bits were much more convenient.”

“It is really awful. All covered in veins and stretched out looking skin. And it points at everything. ‘Tis rude to point!” Rarity complained.

Twilight hefted the chains and padlocks in her magic, carefully coiling them around, making sure they didn’t tangle, so they would be ready to use at a moment’s notice.

“I feel like I would feel so much better if I could just jam this thing inside of something and make the tension go away. I saw a watermelon in the market. A watermelon I tells ya, and I all I could think about was jamming this thing inside of it.” Applejack confessed.

Pinkie Pie bit her lip and nodded. “I saw the same watermelon.”

“Just imagine that watermelon between the two of us. I’d thrust forward, and then you’d thrust it back at me…”

“APPLEJACK!” Twilight shouted. “Focus!”

“I can’t Twi. I have me a powerful need.” Applejack groaned. “I feel backed up. Like I have to go drop a load of horseapples. I ain’t gonna survive this.”

“Somehow stallions manage to make it through each day!” Twilight snapped.

“But I ain’t a stallion! I ain’t had a lifetime of learnin’ how to hold back. This is torture Twi’, torture! And I don’t know how much more I can take. I ain’t ever gonna take my brother for granted over again.”

“Soarin’?” Rainbow pleaded. “Let me in! I promise I just want to talk! I want to come inside Soarin’!”

“No!” Soarin’ said on the other side of the door.

Rainbow Dash sat dejectedly on the stoop of Soarin’s cloud home. “Soarin’, please, I made a mistake. I just want to talk.”

‘I’m listening.” Soarin’ said.

Rainbow sighed. “I think I understand you position a little bit better now Soarin’.”

“I doubt it.” Soarin’ replied.

“No, really, I do. Playing hard to get must have been torture to you. I have a big problem Soarin’.” Rainbow confided.

“How big?” Soarin’ said distractedly. “Wait, never mind. You took every chance you could to lead me on and then leave me hanging.”

“Well, now, you’re a mare. Do you have any perspectives from my point of view?” Rainbow said.

“No.” Soarin’ replied.

“There is fine fine line you have to walk.” Rainbow explained. “You can’t be too eager.”

“Well good, no reason to let you in then.” Soarin’ answered.

“Look Soarin’, I am afraid of being tied down. I don’t know which way I swing yet. I like you. I really do. But I also like mares I think.” Rainbow said, slumping up against the archway.

There was a click from the door. Rainbow stared at the door, blinking.

“Since you are being honest, come in, we’ll talk.” Soarin’ said from the other side of the door.

Rainbow pushed the door open and went inside.

“I must restrain this urge to stroke, did I step in poison joke?”

Zecora was not having a good morning. Something was very, very wrong.

“I cannot believe I am so sprung, for a stallion I am quite well hung.”

Zecora dared a second look, peeking down between her front legs. Something peeked back at her.

“By the sun up in the sky, something is peeking with one little eye!”

She pranced in a circle around the inside of her hut.

She stared at her front door. “I am compelled to go off and rut. I must find a mare and bust a nut.” Zecora said, setting off for Ponyville.

All around her in the Everfree, Zecora could sense something was horribly wrong.

“This could be a world ender. Something has swapped every gender!”


“Yeah Snails?”

“Do you think I’m pretty?”

“Don’t ask me that Snips!”

“Are we Sugar and Spice now?”


Trixie Lulamoon surveyed Ponyville. She had arrived last night. She had awoke in her wagon this morning and discovered something different. Something very different.

The whole town was different.

Trixie was out strutting her stuff, a firm believer in “if you’ve got it, flaunt it.”

Trixie felt a rush of adrenaline when she saw a certain lavender alicorn approaching.

“The Great and Well Endowed Trixie says hello Twilight Sparkle!” Trixie crowed.

Twilight stood frozen, flabbergasted.

“Trixie, nopony likes a show off.” Applejack gulped.

“Does Trixie’s magic wand frighten you?!” Trixie exclaimed.

“A little.” Applejack said honestly.

“Mwahahahahah!” Trixie cackled.

“Oh shut up Trixie Lulamoon!” Rarity snapped, “We have bigger problems to deal with.”

“Bigger than Trixie?” Trixie said in disbelief.

“Yes.” Twilight said, feeling somewhat insecure.

“Trixie is feeling generous. Trixie will help you.” Trixie looked incredibly smug.

“Actually, I think we could use your help Trixie. We have to go chain up Fluttershy. She’s rampaging through the town, scaring the mares. I hope she hasn’t caught anypony yet.” Twilight said.

“Chain up Fluttershy?” Trixie stammered. “The shy harmless butterfly plot pony?”

“Yeah, that one. Something is wrong.” Twilight said. “Still have that rope spell? Can you use a chain?”

Trixie nodded.

“Good. Thank you Trixie.” Twilight said.

“You… er, uh, you are welcome Twilight Sparkle?” Trixie said, now somewhat confused.

“I have a plan. But I need the bravest, strongest, most bestest pony ever.” Twilight said.

“Trixie is here!” Trixie boasted.

“Good! I am going to turn you back into a mare if I can, or at least make you look like and smell like a mare if turning you doesn’t work. And then I am going to use you as bait.”

“Wait, Trixie is unsure of this course of action.”

“I’m sorry, I thought I was dealing with a great and powerful pony. I’ll guess I’ll keep looking.” Twilight sighed, disappointed.

“Wait, Trixie can do this!” Trixie cried.

“All hail the great and powerful Trixie.” Twilight said in cunning tones.

Author's Note:

I am going to pony hell... And you are all coming with me.