• Published 15th Apr 2014
  • 12,324 Views, 466 Comments

Twilight Sparkle And the Very Confusing Day - kudzuhaiku

Twilight and her friends get together for a sleepover, and Discord wants to join. Twilight insists that the sleepover is mares only. Discord obliges the only way he knows how.

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Chapter 1

Twilight Sparkle loved going through her checklists.

Popcorn ✓

Soda ✓

Chocolate ✓

Spike away visiting Celestia ✓

List about making checklists ✓

Stuff for makeovers ✓

Board games ✓

Beverages of a more adult nature ✓

Art of Sleepovers Two: What To Do With Your Friends And You ✓

Magazine containing self help quizzes with silly questions ✓

And Twilight couldn’t help but feel that she was forgetting something. Something important. She struggled to remember what it was. Ooh!

Friends ✓

She scribbled in the last word and checked it off.

She was always forgetting some minor frivolous detail.

“I think we are good to go girls.” Twilight Sparkle said.

“Yay!” Fluttershy whispered, causing Rainbow Dash to look at her in annoyance.

“Oh we are sure to have a marvelous time.” Rarity said, clapping her hooves together.

“Last time wasn’t so bad.” Applejack remarked.

“And it was raining last time as well.” Twilight said.

“Only we are all here now.” Pinkie Pie said, giggling.

“Are we going to do to girly stuff, like give each other hooficures?” Rainbow asked, rolling her eyes and crossing her forelegs over her barrel.

“I hope so.” Fluttershy said in a shy voice.

“Ugh.” Rainbow replied.

“And truth or dare!” Pinkie Pie said.

“No fair. Applejack always wins in truth or dare.” Rarity said, a faint pout in her voice.

“Shucks, always honest.” Applejack replied.

“I dare somepony to dare me to tickle Dashie!” Pinkie quipped.

“Pinkie, we are not playing truth or dare.” Rainbow replied.

Pinkie Pie drooped, now crestfallen.

“We can still play later though.” Rainbow said, causing Pinkie to perk up with a pinktacular grin.

“I have a better idea. We tickle Fluttershy until she pees!” Pinkie Pie said, grinning evilly.

Fluttershy meeped and ducked behind Rarity.

“Pinkie Pie! For shame! At least make sure she has a few drinks first.” Rarity said in scolding tones.

“I can drink to that.” Pinkie Pie said, cracking open a bottle of cider.

“Me too.” Rainbow said, opening the bottle with her teeth and spitting out the cap.

Twilight watched as her friends began to settle in. They were all drinking now. The book said that alcohol was a social lubricant and would aid them all in having a good time with one another, lowering inhibitions and making even the most introverted pony an extravert. Twilight popped the cap and glugged down half a bottle of cider.

Intoxicate self ✓

Twilight Sparkle flipped a few more pages, looking ahead, and then snapped the book shut violently when she saw the chapter on innocent experimentation with close friends in an intimate environment. She felt the corner of her eye twitch.

“Twilight, darling, is something wrong?” Rarity inquired.

“Nothing!” Twilight snapped. “Nothing at all.” Twilight finished off her bottle with a single swallow and belched lightly, her wings fluttering.

There was a knock at the door.

Knock at the door ✓

Twilight paused. She didn’t remember writing that there, or checking it off. How peculiar. She squinted down inside of the bottle of cider she just drank, looking for suspicious residue.

No signs of suspicious residue ✓

Twilight shook her head and looked at the door.

She slowly trotted over, and the knock came again.

She pulled open the door with her magic.

And there stood Discord, standing in the rain and looking miserable. He was drenched, soaked, water running down his coat in rivulets. He looked at Twilight pleadingly.

“Might I come in?” Discord begged.

“No. We are having a sleepover. Mares only.” Twilight said.

“But it is wet. And cold. I am a friend in need.” Discord said pleadingly.

Twilight heard a pitiful squeak from Fluttershy behind her.

“Mares only. Sorry.” Twilight said, slamming the door.

After the door latched, there was another insistent knock.

Followed by another.

“Twilight please.” Begged Fluttershy. “He looks so lonely. And he needs friends.”

Twilight pulled the door back open and looked at Discord. Only, it wasn’t Discord. It was something else entirely.

“Call me Eris.” Discord, now Eris, said huskily.

He/She stood, leaning on the door frame in a seductive and sultry pose. “I’m one of the mares now… So can I come in?” Eris said breathily, an almost lusty pant.

Rainbow Dash lost control of her wings, slapping Pinkie Pie and nearly knocking her over.

“Gosh Dashie, control your self!” Pinkie said, rubbing her cheek.

“Discord… I just don’t know what to do with you sometimes.” Twilight said, feeling very confused. “I mean, right now… I can’t deal with this.”

“Twilight, please?” Fluttershy said, her wings now fluttering slightly.

“Ugh. Fine.” Twilight said in defeat. “Come in.”

Eris entered, completely dry. She darted over and gave Fluttershy an intimate hug, causing Fluttershy to blush and sputter, her wings now out and fully erect.

“Hi there filly friend!” Eris said gleefully.

“Nice going Stuttershy.” Rainbow chortled.

“Dashie, mind your manners. That’s not nice.” Rarity said.

Twilight checked her list.

One draconequus ✓

Wait, that definitely wasn’t there a minute ago.

Now she knew something was up. And didn’t care. She cracked open a bottle of cider and guzzled it. This time, Twilight’s belch was borderline magnificent, and it caused Rarity to moue in frustration. Which for some reason, made Twilight feel better. Time for another cider.

One somewhat plastered Twilight Drunkle ✓

Twilight crumpled up the list and threw it away.

“Oh you are so very soft and squeezable my dearest Fluttershy… But I couldn’t hold you before, not like this, it wouldn’t be appropriate!” Eris said, pulling Fluttershy closer.

“No, no I suppose it wouldn’t.” Fluttershy agreed. “But we're both female. And this hug is just a friendly hug.”

Eris nodded, and then leaned down and sniffed Fluttershy’s mane, planting her nose right behind Fluttershy’s ear.

“I’m goin’ to need more cider before I can watch that.” Applejack said, downing a bottle and eyeing Eris and Fluttershy.

“Just innocent female bonding.” Eris said in a smouldering gritty voice.

“Uh… uh…. oooh…. oh… oh my!” Fluttershy stammered, now melting in Eris’ embrace, her wings quivering.

“I’m feeling confused, and slightly aroused.” Pinkie Pie said with a shiver. Rainbow nodded.

“This is going to be a long night.” Twilight deadpanned. “And I have no bucks left to give. I am going to go and make Celestia ashamed of me.” She popped open another bottle of cider, this time, pear.

“Is this how mare friends bond?” Eris asked, looking concerned. “And we are all friends, right?” She began to run her talons through Fluttershy’s mane, combing out a few errant tangles.

Pinkie Pie nodded, saying nothing, tipping back her bottle and taking a long pull.

“Fee-male bondage.” Twilight Sparkle hiccuped, causing every pony in the room to look at her oddly. “What?”

Rarity’s eyelids flew open wide while her eyes shrank into pinpricks as she continued to watch Eris and Fluttershy bond with one another. Fluttershy was no longer passively being bonded. She was now a reciprocating with an alarming alacrity.

Applejack chugged down another cider and pushed her hat back. She belched loudly.

“Applejack dear, what do you say?” Rarity said graciously.

“Uncouth.” Applejack said, belching again.

Fluttershy paused her bonding with Eris long enough to take a few tiny delicate sips of cider from her bottle. Eris finished off the rest, licking the end of the bottle with her tongue. “Well, I am ready to party.” Eris said smiling broadly.

Ready to party ✓

Twilight checked off the list inside of her mind. It was okay though. Things had only mildly spiraled out of control. Nothing major. Yet. No enchanted doll tearing apart the town. No major crisis. Just a little innocent fun and a minor loss of control.

The room descended into rampant female bonding. There were mud masks and facials. Cucumbers over the eyes. Magazine quizzes were taken. The cider supply was completely demolished, and bottles of applejack was opened up by Applejack. S’mores were made. Innocent experimentation happened. A bottle was spun for nearly two hours, followed by a dangerously delicious game of truth or dare, where Applejack revealed that she was indeed, turned on by Rarity’s droopy drawers when she had dressed up as a farmer. Caution was thrown into the wind and Eris stood in the middle of the now swirling storm of chaos. And Eris was more than a little tipsy.

Eventually, as it always must be when mares have a sleepover, the topic turned to stallions.

“I keep trying to drop hints for Soarin’ to let him now I like him.” Rainbow said, wobbling back and forth somewhat. “But he never pays no attention.”

“Sho tellsh shim howsh yoush feelsh.” Pinkie Pie said, laying on her back. “Shtop witsh shte hintsh. Justsh tellsh shim yoush likesh shim.”

“I can’t do that.” Rainbow whined. “I’m too awesome. Showing him I’m desperate would make me look like a loser.”

“Mmm. Trenderhoof.” Rarity moaned, leaning on Applejack, taking long pulls out of a tall glass now half full of apple whiskey.

Fluttershy snored, passed out after drinking a half a bottle of cider, a new record for her. Pinkie Pie was going to draw terrible things on Fluttershy’s face, but Eris had shooed her away.

“Stallions just don’t understand how hard it is to be a mare.” Rainbow protested. “We have to go through a lot of trouble as mares. If we’re too eager, that’s bad. If we keep our distance, that’s bad too. And the middle ground is full of traps and forever changing lines that constantly shift from being a prude to being a total whorse.”

“Yeah!” Applejack agreed. “I chase down one stallion and tie him up and suddenly I’m into bondage.” Applejack hiccuped. “And ponies start to call me Flapplejack, implying I’m some kind of loose whorse. I hear what ponies say behind my back.”

“Andsh everyponysh wantsh their waysh into Pinkie’sh shpie.” Pinkie said. “I’m notsh a pashtry. And Ish don’tsh needsh every shtallion’sh cream fillingsh.” Pinkie said and then took a long pull directly from a bottle of apple whiskey. “Andsh I don’tsh know why poniesh keep talking about cupshcakesh.”

“Blueblood.” Rarity said, not needing to say anything else.

“Yeah. Stallions.” Twilight said. “They have it soooo easy. They wouldn’t survive one day as a mare. Stallions have like the most wonderful lives ever. Nothing is ever complicated for them. Like my brother. Find a cotton candy alicorn, say “hey babe” a few times, and now he is living the easy life with no concerns at all.” Twilight said, swaying back and forth, leaning on Rainbow Dash.

“And all this concern about being a little gay. Stallions can’t bond like we can.” Rainbow said. “Case in point.” Rainbow Dash grappled with Twilight Sparkle, twisting her around for a kiss, planting a long slow wet smooch on Twilight’s lips. Twilight’s wings exploded outwards, her eyes went wide, and her body went completely stiff. Rainbow continued her liplock for several minutes, running a hoof up and down Twilight’s side. Eventually, she let go and let Twilight fell down to the floor in a breathless heaving heap, her tail twitching madly.

“See, that’s what I’m taking about.” Rainbow Dash explained. “If two stallions did that, they’d be freaking out and complaining about being gay. That was just a friendly kiss between us girls, right Twilight?” Rainbow wiped her muzzle with a foreleg.

“Totally innocent.” Twilight agreed.

“I havesh the shtrangest lady-boner.” Pinkie Pie blurted.

“Mmmhmm.” Rarity said, taking another long drink.

“I think I feel a little dribble o’ applesauce after that display.” Applejack said.

“Stallions.” Eris harrumphed. “Who needs them. We’re better off without them!”

“Yeah. Maybe.” Applejack said.

Rarity fell over with a thud, her glass falling away from her and spilling its contents. Pinkie Pie cried a little seeing the spilled liquor.

“Another one bites the dust.” Applejack said, looking down at Rarity. She yawned.

“I think Twilight is out.” Rainbow said. “I bet I can take you AJ. Last pony awake wins.”

“Deal.” Applejack said.

“I wanna watshislittlegame…” Pinkie Pie said, trailing off into a snore.

Twilight Sparkle awoke next to something warm. Something blue. Her head thudded. Her mouth tasted awful. She felt nauseous. But it was nice waking up to something blue. She felt an odd sensation in on her belly. Something… Weird. She shifted her body and felt something odder still, something not only rubbing against her belly, and but something stabbing her as well.

Rainbow Dash was laying belly to belly with her, their legs all together in a tangle, Rainbow drooling on the floor, her mane matted and stiff being in a drool puddle for hours.

Twilight pulled herself away and looked down, wondering if there was a whiskey bottle between them or something.

Twilight gasped when she saw it wasn’t a whiskey bottle. She and Rainbow Dash both were stallions, and both were in the throes of terrible morning wood.

Twilight did the only thing she could do in that situation.

She screamed.


Rainbow Dash was awake in seconds, stumbing and fumbling around, when she also happened to notice something ‘off.’

“OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH!” Rainbow cried. “This isn’t gay! This isn’t gay! Twilight, tell me, this isn’t gay!”

Rainbow rolled away and tried to cover herself with her wings.

Twilight heard a grunting sound coming from the bathroom. She got to her hooves and trotted over, listening, worried. It sounded like somepony was either sick or in pain in there. Maybe both.

“Pinkie Pie?” Twilight said, thinking she recognised the grunting voice.

“Go away!” Pinkie Pie grunted, her voice strained.

Twilight pulled open the bathroom door and was immediately struck in the face with confetti… From Pinkie Pie’s party cannon. Pinkie Pie still had her flexible fetlock wrapped around her cannon, her face frozen in horror.

Twilight Sparkle wiped away a copious amount of confetti from her muzzle and turned around. Eris was nowhere to be seen. Twilight’s morning wood throbbed painfully. She heard Rarity screaming, followed by Fluttershy meeping and crying.

“I’ll be. Bigguns run in the family.” Applejack said, too hungover to be appalled.

Twilight Sparkle heard screams coming from outside. She ran to the door and threw it open. She didn’t like what she saw. All around her, everywhere she looked, she saw mares with morning wood and stallions who had a distinct lack of morning wood.

There was chaos in the streets of Ponyville.

“I had no idea these were so much fun!” Pinkie Pie giggle-snorted.

Plan to kill Discord ✓

Author's Note:

To be continued...