• Published 14th Apr 2014
  • 850 Views, 29 Comments

MXC Equestria Edition - Soothing Stone



MXC is back in Equestria, but what will happen when Celestia tries to make the show more child friendly? Bad things, my friend. Bad things.

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Dash to Death

The show returns to the air, with the announcer proclaiming, “MXC is back with the Pegasi versus the Unicorns!

Off to the throne room, and Vic looks ready to announce something.

“Well, we have discovered the reasoning behind the Impact Replay not working,” he explains. “Mind explaining for us, Celestia?”

“Due to the nature of the Replay, which is to show painful collisions in gruesome detail, it will be banned for the remainder of the series,” Celestia states calmly.

Ken stands up in protest, ready to kick some ass over this.

“Really? You’re going to ban THAT? What’s wrong with watching people wipe out in slow motion? Everything is better in slow motion! Explosions, car wrecks, women in small bikinis jumping up and down…”

“This is now a children's show, and we will act accordingly for it,” Celestia shoots back.

“My -squee-!” Ken shouts back, his last word censored by cute pony sounds.

Everybody gasps, as it’s generally not a good idea to cuss on a children’s network.

“Now, Ken, sit down. We can make it without the Replay,” Vic says.” “There's still the Most Painful Eliminations of the day for you to do at the end.”

Ken sits back down, more than a little pissed off at Celestia.

“It still sucks…” he grumbles.

“Right you are, but time for our next event: DASH TO DEATH!”

The corresponding Ken-O-Tron fills the screen, showing us the closest thing to a Wipeout course the show has. Of course, it hurts so much more, because this is MXC.

“In this event. contestants must go through the obstacles course without getting…”

“DASHED TO DEATH!” Ken and Vic say together.

“And instead of the freaky mines of the past, our course is populated with Diamond Dogs, harassing the contestants as they attempt to score,” Vic adds on.

The next event begins at last.

“You know you're evil, Tenneal?” Sea Bastion asked.

“That's not what the ladies say. GET IT ON!” Tenneal commands.

“And here's Sea Bastion, the unicorn lucky enough to be insulted by the Captain,” Vic cheers. “What a privilege. He narrowly avoids the Brain Scrambler, speeds through the Grinder, and onto what is now the Tumbler.”

“Seriously, what is our audience? Girls under the age of 10?” Ken complains.

“Sadly it is. And he faces the Angry Dragon here. But he loses the battle, and into the Sludge.”

“Back at his natural habitat, only with more slugs and other animals I don’t know the names of.”

“Indeed.”

Here comes Rarity for the Unicorns. When the Dogs realize who it is, the leader’s eyes explode to the size of softballs.

“It's the whiny pony! Every dog for himself!” he screams in horror.

Every Dog on the course stops what they're doing and dives into the sludge, all swimming away from the most horrific pony since Sombra.

“And this is Rarity, a fashion--what is this? All the Diamond Dogs are leaving their posts and into the Sludge in fear of their lives!”

“What is it about that prissy unicorn that drives fear into a man? Maybe it's the fear of learning about fashion through her.”

“That's why I would. And with nobody in her way, she speeds through the course, into the Tumbler, past the Angry Dragon, the Spinner, springing into the sponges, and zips through the…” He checks the script to see what the obstacle is now called. “Big Round Spheres...OK, this is sad.”

“Oh man, these ponies have to carry that rope with their mouths. There is no way she's winning this one.”

“Wrong you are Ken, as she swings into the Finish Line in time. The unicorns now lead 2-0! Let's go down to Spike.”

Spike is interviewing Rarity right next to a puddle of sludge. The poor guy is nervous to talk to his crush again, and he’s already blushing.

“So...how did you it, you…” he stumbles.

“It was nothing,” Rarity answers. “All I need to do is avoid those sludge puddles and my mane will survive anything.”

“You're the most beautiful pony in all of Equestria….” the dragon whispers.

He floats with hearts forming all around him. Wanting space, Rarity pushes him right into a puddle full of Septic Sludge. He flails wildly as his safari coat's the item that gets ruined.

The next contestant appears with a striped hat on his head.

“Bring Guy back!” he shouts to the camera.

“And the next pegasus up is Ring Master. He's the ringleader for the local Ponyville circus, using his wings to assist anypony that falls off the line.”

“If that's what he puts up with, this should be nothing,” Ken says.

“Indeed, as he jumps into the first set of sponges. Winning against the Angry Dragon, and onto the Spinner. But he looks confused, sitting in the middle. Trying to find the right moment to jump, he makes his move, and falls off the platform and into the Sludge.”

“I'm still going on that event if it kills me. Better than playing Zombie #6 for God knows how many weeks on the Walking Dead.”

Onto the next victim!

“And next up for the Pegasi is...well apparently he refuses to to state his name. Says Rainbow Dash would despise him just by the name, claiming coming up with the name Rainbow Crash was the worst thing he's ever done.”

“And getting hit by the Brain Scrambler just beat it by a mile. He’s swirling around more than an alcoholic on Saint Patrick’s Day.”

“He looks around, trying to get past the Grinder--but falls right into it. Don't worry, it's not really an organ grinder, like we said, it's just a pit that some Diamond Dogs took cover in.”

“I hate these new broadcast standards,” Ken keeps grumbling.

The next pony to come up is Trixie. Yes, that Trixie.

With my wonderful and awe-inspiring magic, I shall conquer this course, and make this team--OUCH!” Trixie yelps.

Tenneal taps her backside with his sword, light enough to not cut her despite his wishes.

“Just do it already!” says Tenneal.

“And this is the Great and Powerful Trixie. Conqueror of the Ursa Major, and now Conqueror of the Scrambler, using her magic to stop it from hitting her in the nick of time. Already at the Angry Dragon and into the Spinner.”

“She's cheating on every turn. Like now, the Spinner's stopped in its tracks thanks to her. I hope she crashes and burns harder than me at your sister’s wedding.”

“Well, our expert says she already did before with a Minor, but now she's on the Spheres anyways. The Diamond Dogs take their shots, but she narrowly gets past them, and into the rope. Looking confused, not sure what to do.”

“ Hah, try to use your magic now! It still doesn't replace talent, regardless of what Tenneal thinks.”

“And she ran out of time there! What a shame, she was this close.”

“THIS IS UNFAIR!” screams Trixie. “THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE DEMANDS A RESET!”

Ken grabs a speakerphone and points it at Trixie. “YOU GET NONE!”

“That was rude there, Ken,” Vic cuts in.

“You think I can take that kind of arrogance? That fall was just as fun as watching Super Bowl 42 for me.”

“Well, that was a fun crash for sure. But onto our last contestant for the event…”

A bookworm is the next pony to show up. “Ken doesn’t own a single book, because that’s how dumb he is!”

“Horrible attempt at an insult aside, this is Book Report, a unicorn in charge of the library system in Equestria.”

“I know some books I like to read, but you won't find them in a public library,” says Ken.

“Of course. And she is off to a decent start, avoids the Scrambler there, same with the Grinder. But she looks at the Tumbler with confusion.”

“Hasn't she read what these do? It's nothing, I have so much fun with them I put it right inside the front door. It's like having MXC at my house, complete with injuries and internal bleeding.”

“Oh yes, how could I forget. She jumps on, but OH! Doesn't make it into the sponges, and that concludes this event.”

Back to the throne room again. But now, Celestia is gone.

“Wait a minute, Celestia's not here,” Vic notes. I thought she was right there just five minutes ago.”

“Any of you Royal Guards know where she is?” Ken asks the Royal Guards.

“She has to take care of someone in particular,” the Captain of this unit answers. “No more questions are allowed.”

“You guys are no fun. How about one of you go out there and compete?”

“Now, Ken, these are the finest Pegasi in all of Equestria, there's no way--”

“I want to go!” says the Captain.

“Same here!” “I won’t die if I do it, right?” “I’ll do it as long as Guy is five feet away from me at all times!” “If I win, Celestia will surely go out with me!” “I thought Wipeout was better.”

“Oh wow, we got a mess on our hands,” Vic laughs. “Let’s see. The Captain can go, and nobody else.”

Everypony else sighs, save for the Wipeout fan. But nobody cares about him.*

“Time for another commercial, as the Unicorns are sweeping the Pegasi, 2-0.”

Another montage of ponies getting destroyed, this one for Door Jam. And there’s the best announcer ever again.

“When we come back, don’t get your head stuck in the intimidating Door Jam! Loser…”

Author's Note:

*Wipeout is fine. It's not as good as MXC, but seeing people bouncing off of big red balls will never get old.

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