• Published 14th Apr 2014
  • 850 Views, 29 Comments

MXC Equestria Edition - Soothing Stone

MXC is back in Equestria, but what will happen when Celestia tries to make the show more child friendly? Bad things, my friend. Bad things.

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Sinkers and Floaters

For those of you not familiar, MXC was a popular show on Spike TV that ran from 2004 to 2008. It was based on a game show called Takashi’s Castle in the 80s, best known as Wipeout if the creators didn’t give a damn who got hurt playing it. Oh, and you had to get past all of the obstacles to win, so it was your own fault if a boulder crushed your head.

When Spike TV brought it to stateside, they overdubbed the content to make the show the classic it’s known as today, creating characters such as Kenny Blakenship, Vic Romano, Captain Tenneal, and so forth. However, the show was forced to end in 2008, largely because they ran out of Takashi’s Castle episodes to dub.

But when you have something as awesome as MXC, we’re not stopping for anything. So Vic Romano came up with a brilliant idea: Why don’t we use this magic portal I just found that takes you to new worlds, and use this wonderful power to inflict harm on ponies?

Of course, everyone agreed that this was the best use of such power. This was the result.

Broadcast Date: Estimated at one year before the Nightmare Moon incident.

The episode begins with what every MXC episode started off with: A montage of people wiping out to a killer Bumblefoot song. The rocking melody would get anyone pumped up.

“What are these ponies running from? They're not!” says the best announcer of all time. “They're running to: The toughest game show in all of Equestria! Today, the Pegasi take on the Unicorns! It's a classic battle of the masters of the sky, and the masters of magic!”

There’s a montage of unicorns and pegasi competing in obstacles so brutal, only Japan could make it up. Oh, and the title card flashes.

“Get fired up for MXC: Most Extreme Elimination Challenge! And now, the first humans spotted in Equestria, Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano!”

Ken and Vic show up on screen, just as we remember them in traditional Japanese clothing. They seem very happy to be back with their grins and excited demeanor. But that’s the only thing there that looks familiar.

For one, they’re in Celestia’s throne room within her castle, and the duo are kneeling on the carpet leading to her throne. Two rows of Royal Guards flank the guys on both sides, and the only one standing here is Celestia, further back in the room.

“Welcome to MXC, and is it great to be back on this show,” Vic greets us. “Everybody's recharged, our lips finally match with what we’re saying, and we get to see more carnage out there.”

“Woo hoo!” Kenny cheers. “I get to quit my replacement job on The Walking Dead as the zombie that always gets shot, thanks to that white pony in the back.”

Celestia nods in the back, just as happy to see us as they are.

“Indeed, as Princess Celestia here funded all the costs of bringing this show back on the air, now on the Hub,” Vic explains.

“Yeah, it's going to just like on Spike TV, with more painful eliminations, Captain Tenneal, and Guy Le--”

Vic smacks him in the head with his paper fan before he can finish.

“Wrong you are Ken, since this is now on a children's network, the executives have forced a few changes. And one of them was replacing...our field reporter with Spike the dragon, since the one before was dubbed too creepy for Hasbro's broadcast standards.”

“What, you can't even say Guy's last name?” Ken looks depressed now, even if he and Guy had some times together in Japanese strip clubs he’d rather forget sooner rather than later.

The camera cuts to see the filming crew in front of Vic Romano, all humans. The director nods his head, sledgehammer ready to destory Kenny’s ass if that name is mentioned again.

“Well, we'll make due with what we have, and here's Spike right now,” Vic says.

Down near one of the obstacle courses, Spike is there to greet us with his microphone. He’s wearing exactly what Guy wears: A fedora and a field coat. So it’s basically like watching Guy for all purposes, except you don’t feel like you need to take a shower after he’s done talking.

“This is so exciting!” Spike starts. “It took ponies a whole month to set up our obstacle course, and it looks to be a great match-up between the Pegasi and Unicorns! Hopefully nopony gets hurt out there, it looks dangerous out there.”

Now we get a montage of today’s events.

“Our lineup begins with Sinkers and Floaters, followed up with the intimidating Dash to Death, then we take it easier with Door Jam, and finish it with the always tricky Log Drop. And now, to the master of breaking everypony’s spirits, the Captain.”

The image cuts to a hill nearby, and Captain Tenneal is standing next to a crowd full of ponies. He’s got his sword, the ponies have protective red helmets, just like good times.

“Who here thinks all three classes of ponies are equal, and are fantastic in their own way? Hands--er, hooves up, now!” he commands.

Everypony lifts their front hooves up together.

“You're all wrong! Earth Ponies have no special gift other than strength, which you all can taunt using REAL talent!” Tenneal reminds us. “You in the front. What is it that you do?”

He motions to none other than Derpy Hooves herself, whose eyes are straight for a moment for some reason.

“I deliver the mail in Ponyville!” Derpy replied. “They get the mail 70% of the time, and anytime somepony doesn’t get their mail, I just give them muffins and they’re not mad at me anymore!”

“See? That would be much harder if she didn't have wings, and you can make fun of those that don't that have your job,” Tenneal pointed out. “The light blue unicorn in the third row! What's your name?”

“Sea Bastion, sir,” the pony said.

“Well, that doesn't leave much to the imagination. And your occupation?”

“I use my magic to control the tide.”

“So you help give beach bums a place in this world?” Tenneal asked.

“I guess...I'm not a bad pony…”

“Oh, I'm teasing here. Everybody loves a laugh or two. But enough talk…” He waives his sword down the hill. “LET’S GO!”

Everypony rushes to the base of the hill, eager to reach the event. Next thing you know, you see a Ken-O-Tron, pretty much an 8 bit demonstration of the next event.

“And they're off to the first event: Sinkers and Floaters,” Vic explained. “Here, contestants will have to go from one rock platform to another, without stepping on a sinker and get a helpful of Septic Sludge. And we're not allowed to tell where it came from. You know, because seeing ponies brutalized is just what your kids need to see.”

The first event is here at last, a course of floating rocks going through a little pool. The Captain is near the starting point of the event, and he blows his whistle to signal that we’re ready to go.

“GET IT ON!” he shouts, waving his sword forward.

A pegasus with a white coat and blue mane is our first victim.

“Vote Cloudsdale best Equestria city!” he shouts.

“And here's Snowstorm,” Vic begins. “He's head cheese in creating the winter storms, and seems to having trouble getting his way through…”

“He's just standing around and wasting time. It's like he's never seen one of these before,” Ken chimes in.

“Right you are Ken, but OH! He slips off one of them, and finds out what snow really is made of, down at planet Earth.”

“THIS TASTES NOTHING LIKE SUGAR!” Snowstorm cries out, acting like this is a betrayal.

Oh well. The screen cuts to see who else is crazy enough to do this. And it’s a yellow mare with a white mane.

“And here is Sun Chaser, great with using the power of the sun to her advantage against her foes,” says Vic.

“Wait...isn’t that exactly what Celestia does?” Ken asks.

“Indeed, but that doesn't help matters as she steps onto a Sinker immediately, and that will end her run.”

Next pony is...Pinkie Pie...

“And here is Pinkie Pie...wait a minute, she's an Earth Pony, and therefore can’t be in this competition! Kenny, you know what happened?”

“Yeah, I let her in. She promised me these delicious rainbow cupcakes if she got to do this. They were tasty, but she acted all suspicious when I asked her what they were made of.”

“But she's not playing for any team--but she made it! She hopped her way to victory, let's take a look with our MXC Impact Replay!”

In the meantime, Pinkie Pie is thrilled out of her mind. “I made it! I made it! You know it!”

The MXC Impact Replay showcases Pinkie’s run, as she hops along the Floaters like it was nothing.

“Maybe the sugar helped her keep her stamina,” Ken analyzed. “She just goes from rock to rock like an Energizer bunny that can actually use its legs.”

“Right you are Ken, but that gives neither team a point despite the excellent display of athleticism. Onto our next real contestant…”

Up next is a black pegasus with a red mane. In other words, just one horn away from every bad OC you’ve ever seen.

“Live and let die!” he shouts.

“And this is Rupture. He does work on volcanoes, restructuring the land in his spare time.”

“He's looking good out there. He’s cool and collected…”

“With that last jump, he's almost done,” Vic says next. “But it comes to nothing as he over-jumps the final gap and his temper matches his color.


Yep, he’s every bad OC ever.

This next one has a dark blue mane, with three rivers going vertically for a cutie mark.

“I’m going all the way!” she cheers.

“The next unicorn, Rapid Current. Master of levitating water wherever she pleases, so she’s a superhero. Going at a steady pace, not rushing anything, going from line to line, rock to rock, and into the finish line!”

Rapid Current is going crazy at the end of the course.

“Our first real winner holds true to her promise for the Unicorns' benefit, with the score 1-0! Let's see if the next pony scores for the Pegasi.”

Next up is Fluttershy. She runs down the hill with no problem, but the moment she gets down to the beginning of the course, she freezes and looks down at the water. She even pokes the water to make sure it’s not too cold or anything.

“Is it safe?” she asks meekly. “Will I get hurt if I fall?”

“It’s fine. You have a helmet for stuff like this,” Tenneal answered. “Now get it on!”

“This is Fluttershy, a timid young girl that apparently takes care of animals in her spare time,” Vic informs us.

“Looks like her confidence could use some care,” Ken replied. “She's not even going.”

“Well, those Sinkers are as intimidating as anything on this show. But Tenneal is going over to help her out…”

“Come on, you signed up for this. You knew what you were getting into. Now go!”

“But I don't know if I can…” Fluttershy cried.

“You're going to, whenever you like it or not!”

“Tenneal appears to be carrying Fluttershy in his hands,” Vic watched on. “And he--he's throwing her right into the event! And she falls straight into a sinker! There she emerges out of the sludge, crying her eyes out! Let's take a look at that with our MXC Impact Replay--”

Nothing happens on screen. It’s as if the Impact Replay never existed.

“We seem to be having technical difficulties with the Replay. Somebody’s gonna have to look into that next commercial break. But that concludes our first event!”

Back to the throne room, and everybody and pony is stunned over Fluttershy’s “performance”.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything like that before in my life, Ken.”

As Ken and Vic continue on, the crew slowly pushes the camera angle into Celestia’s face, her eyes narrowing with an angry expression on her face.

“Yeah, she looks like she's going to need therapy after that one. Something I'm the master at doing,” Ken laughs.

Vic responds with a nasty slap of the fan to Ken’s face. “This is no laughing matter. Now we're going to have to explain this to the Hub. But we still have many great moments yet to have…”

Celestia's face now fills the frame.

“Tenneal's not very good at uplifting his troops for a captain…” Celestia thought.

The angle goes back to showing Ken and Vic babbling, as if nothing happened.

“...as there are still three events left to go,” Vic continued. “So let's go to commercial while we settle these legal issues.”

Now we see a montage of ponies getting crushed by the next event, Dash to Death.

“When we come back, nopony is safe from the dangers of Dash to Death,” says the announce. “Don't leave yet, we're getting warmed up here!”

Author's Note:

Yeah, yeah...I've gone insane...

If you're curious why I wrote it like this, it was originally written in audio transcript form. I thought it would be redundant to describe what was going on when the announcers would just do it for you like that, and even though I edited it to novel form, I still think having it done this way is best. Especially when the commentary was one of the best parts of MXC.

Like I said, this was first written in 2011, but I REALLY edited some parts to make them better. I remember it getting funnier as time went on, so there's that...

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