- Member Since 21st Mar, 2014
- offline last seen Jun 4th, 2016
Deep Voiced Maniac
Hello, My name is Deep Voiced Maniac. I`m a Monster, that likes to write about walking, talking, technicolor ponies. I also read, draw, and play video games. Please don`t be mean. Thank you Sir/Madam.
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Will Rainbow Dash be beating anybody up in this story?
Here is Johnny...
In case our harbinger of perfection hasn't done this yet: welcome to the awesome world of FoE and FoE byproducts.
Let's go straight to business:
- Your story is well written and spaced. The only "issue" I have with your writing style is that you often start the sentence with an "I". Quite often. You should vary a bit more. But that's just nitpicking.
- I feel kinda silly for posting that under almost every newer FoE story, but the Perk: in short: you should maybe highlight at least the perk's name. The perk isn't a normal piece of text, so it shouldn't look as "boring" as the rest. (I don't imply any stories I read were boring, I just mean that the text looks all the same.)
- I read your blog post about Kkat's reply: so you'll use original characters... it's a dangerous play if you ask me. Taking existing characters is something pretty difficult, especially in FoE, if you let them act even a bit out of character (and that tends to happen, mostly unwillingly) you may got alot of hate.
- Your writing is a bit inconsistent: sometimes your character is surprised by what happens, e.g. if he/she is attacked by somepony else, but then he/she instantly identifies it as a raider and handles the existence of zombies in one sentence. He finds a PipBuck and instantly knows how to use SATS.
I can't say yet where the story goes, but it doesn't look bad, so I'll follow it.
4239545 Rainbow Dash? Have you read a Fallout Equestria before? Rainbow Dash dies...
4239727
That was never said...
Also, there's a double post in your story description. One of the "After being..." parts.
4239723 Oh yeah, Anthony Rineer told me about you. You may have reviewed his story, no? Anyway, Littlepip and all won`t be in the story for a long time, I think about the forties` they might pop up? Also, you may want to look out for a certain white unicorn, also from a Stable as well. So, yeah, I have a lot of time to think them out and it`s a she. Also, Brisk calls the pony that she kills a "Raider", she doesn't know immediately. I didn`t say she automatically knows how use S.A.T.S, plus in the next chapter, it fucks up on her. (Hopefully that doesn`t spoil too much) Anyway, glad you enjoyed it and about a couple days, the next chapter will be out. Also, since you followed it, I`d much appreciate it if you liked it as well. And if you are feeling Like Rarity, why not follow me?
4239731 Yeah, I know. I`m just too lazy to fix it.
4239727 I haven't read the story that started it all, if that's what mean. To be honest the description and character tags make it seem like the Mane six will interact with the protagonist, leading me to ask that question.
4239781
Well, laziness as such might come back one day and bite you in the tail.
Maybe some of the potential readers might say: "Ney, this guy doesn't even get his description right. I don't want to see what his actual story looks like."
Who's Anthony Rineer? I hope he says only good things about me.
I'm sorry, I don't remember him right now, would you be nice and tell me the name of his story?
I wouldn't call my comments "reviews". I just give tips and point out some mistakes whose absence would make the stories better.
Sure, why not, have a like. Although I'm not a big fan of giving likes on commission. But your story isn't bad, so I don't feel bad about it.
4239767 40's? As in, chapter 40 onwards? Just how long will this story be?
4239829 About 65 to 70 chapters. Have fun screaming your head off.
4239826 His story is "Fallout Equestria: Embers" He isn`t working on it because he offered to help me with my stories. Also, my description is like that to catch the eye, if you catch my drift.
4239820 Well, before you read my story, Read the original. You won`t get most of the story and plus, Kkat`s Fallout: Equestria is better. It`s consider one of the best fan fictions in the fandom.
4239820 Also, hold on to that assumption...
Yes! Blackjack and Littlepip, in another Fallout Equestria! Oh Meh Gerd!
4240021 Yes, They are both making appearances. Funny thing is, Blackjack is my favorite pony of all time.
Also, how did you know she was going to make an appearance?
Are you a SPY?!
Make sure to Brohoof that like button, guys!
Oh yeah, if you`re going to dislike, please tell me why, so I can fix it. I`m just starting out, and I need some kicks in the right direction. Thank you!
4241741
Okay, I disliked because you're too lazy to fix the description.
Also because of (Kkat Approved)
Also because I thought it would feel good. And it did
4239781
:
I don't want to say: I told you so, but...
I told you so
4242549 You never said anything!
4241861 Fixed The description...
Removed "Kkat Approved"...
(Which I messaged her and asked if I could use her characters in a later chapter, and she said yes, but I kinda had to put that there.)
And it felt good...
Hmm. I don`t know...
4242703
4242722 Fine...
4242710
It's still there
4243047 I removed the one in the small description. I`ll fix the one in the big description right now. Then, will you consider liking it?
ANNNNNNNNND now it`s fixed. Still have to credit Kkat though...
4243162
Yeah, you did alright by me. I'll flip it around to a like.
I don't particularly like your story. But you're writing something, at least.
4243162 You have an interesting beginning to a story thus far, but I have to agree with what's been said by others.
Brisk needs to transition between emotions in a more fluid way rather than suddenly. For a(n implied) devoted follower of Fluttershy, the choice to use a switch blade came quick. Running first would had been a much more logical choice.
Brisk could had then used it as a last resort.
Knowing of SATS' functions seemed unrealistic right off the back. Many a character to have stumbled across one learns their functions with time. This makes the character much more
humanpony so we can relate to that.While naming archetypes by their proper Fo:E name, it again is unrealistic for someone whose woken up after 100 years plus. In The Walking Dead comic, groups have different names for the zombis based off of what they thought was good at the time. It's a subtle nuance, but it does wonders for the environment.
Lastly, it seems odd that Brisk would had put as much effort as she did into finding info from Crazz right off the bat. Especially right after killing some
onepony for this first time. This is most likely an important plot point for later, it just feels a touch forced.But not to leave you without anything positive to say, I do luv the naming mechanism you used for your protagonist. Very cute.
4245858 Sorry for the poor emotion transfer, that will be much better in later chapters. As for the zombie names, I`m pretty sure that there was zombie books or something. As for Crazz, she want`s to know what happened and what caused it, that`s why she looks around for info about him, hoping she can figure out what happened. Oh yeah, I love Brisk Iced Tea, and thought it was a good name at the time :)
This chapter was good. And I'm out of useful tips I can give without the comment being as long as PH chapter to make things perfectly clear.
Oh, wait, there's one tip left: make a space after the "..." between two words. E.g.:
worst...night...ever...<-> worst... night... ever...I did it like you most of the time, but sometimes this leads to strange gaps at the end of a line. It'll also raise your word count, and that isn't a bad thing, is it?
A pony with compassion for raiders, that's something you don't see often... At least not for long.
And Brisk hang upside down there for how long? I doubt that's healthy...
4250546 Thank you! I can always count on you to pop up in a Fallout Equestria story. Like earlier. Anyway, new chapter should be up in a few days, and I`m kinda making this up as I go when it comes to where this is going. Though, I already planned out the plot and the end, so don`t worry about that. Next chapter will be longer, and the next one after that. Every chapter will get longer and longer. I counted and it was about 1,500 words long than the first chapter. So, if my calculation is correct, by the time this story ends, (Planned about 70 chapters
) It will be about 800,000 words long? So about longer than "Fallout: Equestria", but shorter than "Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons". (P.S. Blackjack is my favorite pony) Pretty decent amount for that many chapters. I personally think the plot is good, which basically the end is a mindfuck. It will make you look at Fallout: Equestria in a whole new perspective. Anyway glad you enjoyed it and you mentioned you had a story. I think I`ll check out. Thanks for reading!
Awesome story! Like Brisk already, and the Snickers reference, made me laugh. Can`t wait to see where this goes!
4255430 Thank You! I love the beverage Brisk, and thought that was a good name. Working on the new chapter.
How come I couldn`t help you edit?
4259973 Sorry, Rineer.
This is a road I have to walk alone...
Just so you know your story was added to the Fallout Equestria Group by G-Man64. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
4265416 Got a Link?
4268769 To his page? The group homepage? I'm confused...
4269866 The group homepage, please.
4270029 Ah! Well there's a link on the right side of the page from your story now, but here's a link anyways
4270081 Thanks!
Sorry, guys, but I`m putting up the "Closed" sign, because right now, I`m going to reread my favorite Fan Fic of all time:
Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons!