The lonely Monster

In one sudden night, While nopony wouldn't believe it, Fluttershy encountered one of the most horrible chilhood monsters. While the mane six is doing their best to know more about this, the next night come to be suprising them.

Chapters (4)

Chapter 1 · 30th Mar 2012 · 881 words
881
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Chapter 2 · 30th Mar 2012 · 1,300 words
1,300
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Chapter 3 · 30th Mar 2012 · 1,060 words
1,060
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Chapter 4 · 30th Mar 2012 · 1,537 words
1,537
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Comments ( 7 )

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CoastalSarv

CoastalSarv #1 · Mar 31st, 2012 · · · Chapter 4 ·

The Groke?! Well, if there ever was a monster from another story that deserved to be imported to MLP...

Suomibrony

Suomibrony #2 · Mar 31st, 2012 · · · Chapter 4 ·

Well, I'll be... I must be the only one who recognized that image in seconds.

Nitro836

Nitro836 #3 · Mar 31st, 2012 · · · Chapter 4 ·

Groke, holy shit.

FInland knows him as "Mörkö".

Swedishdude

Swedishdude #4 · Apr 30th, 2012 · · · Chapter 4 ·

Hrmm, hrmm after more consideration, I decided to make everything in one comment, otherwise I would just repeat myself:
a) I felt that the character did not act like they should have act. Twilight wouldn't send RD into the forest alone, RD would not be afraid of the monster and Fluttershy would not be brave enough to confront it (I think AJ would fit better of confronting it).

b) Some stuff just doesn't make any sense. What was Derpy's part of the story? Why did the monster just leave? Why was Celestia needed to be there? Thoose things just confused me...

c) The story is to short to split it up in four chapters like you have. I suggest you make each episode longer with feelings and thoughts and such things OR combining all chapters into one big.

d)Alot of grammar faults, but as I said earlier, anyone willing to help you out with this would fix it easy (Tip: ask someone in Ponychan.com)

e) The story have potential to be something great, but it needs alot more polishing (perhaps completly rewritten).

f) This wasn't great, but it wasn't bad either. A very good fic if it was your first

Last tip: read the story out loud before you post it. Does it sound right? Did you felt some stuff was confusing? You understand what I mean

Goodluck in the future and keep on writing

TheValdetiosi

TheValdetiosi #5 · Apr 30th, 2012 · · · Chapter 4 ·

522638

a) I know, but RD must be one of who really knows how to fight back like AJ. There was that one episode, where she was showing some karate to Applebloom.
From that scaring part, i'll imagine it like this: You have a very horrifying nightmare from your child age. Then, after ten years, you remember that thing and there we go. Nightmare fuel is coming
And Fluttershy is the only one to talk to animals, how could any one of else understand groke's growling?

b) I made derpy as a false alarm, you know, when you wait that something is going to appear and then you see your friend scaring the heck out of you. And for the monster, Groke is not a cruel monster. She just want to have friends, but everypony is scared from her growling sound, the appereance and that she spreads cold as she goes.
And that Celestia thing. Well, it was my inner mind that saw, how internet had made her to Trollestia and Molestia. So i was like, making avenge to that. And if you would be a new kind of thing at Ponyville, of course Twilight would sent Celestia to see it.

c) i tought to making it to a one big charapter, as i did it at DA.

d) i'm sometimes shy as Fluttershy. I really not sure to ask someone to help with grammar, but i'll try.

e & f) thanks! Theres a few stories that i have in my mind to publish here, so if you're curious to look for them, try by watching me and waiting. Thank you

Swedishdude

Swedishdude #6 · Apr 30th, 2012 · · · Chapter 4 ·

522850

a) Yes, Fluttershy would perhaps be the only one that could TALK to groke, but it doesn't mean she WANTS to. Take the dragon episode for example: Fluttershy was the best suited to talk to the dragon but still, she didn't want to do it (until it threatened her friends and she was forced to act)

b)Try build up more tension if Derpy would act like a false alarm. Right now, it felt like she popped up and disapeared just as fast.

I can watch you if u want to!

IAMERROR