Cult of the Nightmare

Celestia believed that by banishing Nightmare Moon to the moon, she had removed the threat once and for all. She was wrong. Nightmare Moons influence lingered in Equestria, and the seeds of a new order were sown.

Over one thousand years later, those seeds have begun to sprout, as unwitting ponies realized they've been offered something they've sorely missed in their lives.

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Sir Thursday

Sir Thursday #1 · Apr 24th, 2014 · 2 · ·

First thing I noticed, you've gone a little comma crazy. It's okay, it happens. Just look at your story and see where you can cut the commas. You don't need a comma in every sentence. Some of them are causing run-on sentences. If you notice that you're doing it, it's a pretty easy habit to kick. Also, a quick tip, stay away from ellipses (...). They are not your friend. Get good without them will do wonders for improving your writing.

The story isn't bad but you've got some issues. I'll start with the good. While the name Angel Grace doesn't scream creativity, I do like how you're characterized her. She does feel like a character and not some super wish fulfillment pony. Good job. You're starting off at a good pace. Slow and steady is usually the way you should go with a story. Hopefully you can handle your own concept.

Now the bad. You're very sparse on details. This a big issue in a lot of stories. There's nothing in your story that really brings me into your world. You're doing a good job of fleshing our Angel but you've left the world very barren. You need to put in those details or else the story rings very hollow. I have no grip on the world you're presenting. Start off simple, what does Angel look like (though don't fall into the trap of describing her while she's looking at herself in a mirror. It's a HORRIBLE trope for beginning writers). Then describe her home. You need to start doing this because it's a big part of writing.

Some tips, read books. Just read books. It seems simple, but every established writer will tell you this. Read, read and read. You get exposed to a multitude of styles and the rules of writing. It will help you improve immensely over just reading fanfiction on the internet (which is what most people will tell you on this site but while good fanfiction is a starting point, it can only take you so far). A recommendation, an author which focuses more on character and world building without a lot of details is Asimov. Read I, Robot. It's a great book and will help you improve your style.

Final thoughts, a good start but deeply flawed. Still definitely salvageable. Keep trying and good luck.

Shank