Gator Patrol
“Now Angel, stay close to mommy, okay?” Fluttershy warned her fluffy bunny. “I’m just going to soak up a little sun.”
She watched with a smile as Angel rolled his eyes and hopped over to the edge of the water to skip stones.
Fluttershy stretched out on a beach towel and adjusted her sun glasses. She opened a picnic basket and pulled out a collection of short stories she’d checked out of the library and set about enjoying the first sunny afternoon after a long stretch of rainy showers. While most ponies were taking this return to clear skies as a chance to do yard work or have picnics at the park, Fluttershy had decided to visit Saddle Lake. The weather was still just a tad too chilly for swimming, so she knew there wouldn’t be much of a crowd. The heavy rainfall had stirred up the sediment, leaving the lake cloudy, but it was still a lovely day for sunbathing.
The steady splash of stones hitting the water ceased with a sudden squeak. Fluttershy set down her book and looked over her shoulder towards the lake.
“Angel…?” she called. Her rabbit wasn’t at the water’s edge, nor was he rooting through bushes and dirt for more rocks. She closed her book and set down her glasses as she moved urgently to the shore. “Angel where are you? If you’re playing hide and seek it’s not funny, come out right now, please.”
She glanced around nervously. “Olly-olly oxen free?” There was no answer and Fluttershy became steadily more frantic.
Small bubbles began to rise from the water and Fluttershy held a hoof to her chest in relief.
“Oh, there you are,” she sighed as she came right to the edge of the water and leaned in. “You scared me. Now you come out of the water right this instant, young bunny. It’s far too cold for swimming.”
The surface of the water broke, revealing an enormous fanged maw heading straight for her. Fluttershy’s cowering reflexes were strong, kicking into high gear, flinching her body up and away from the literal jaws of danger. She hovered in the air in shock before her scream rent the air and sent the town into panic.
“ALLIGATOR IN THE LAKE!!!”
***
“Well, that’s an alligator alright,” Twilight said with a snap of her book. “Female, I think.”
“Told you,” Fluttershy huffed.
After running back to town she’d rounded up all of her friends who were available to help, which was all them minus Applejack who was hip-deep in sewage, and led them to the lake. Twilight had brought along a book about alligators.
“This is great!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “If she’s a female we can just have Gummy use his gatorly ways to convince her to cough Angel up! We get Angel back and Gummy gets a girlfriend!”
“Why do we keep saying that?” Twilight asked. “It’s been like an hour already, there’s no way Angel has survived inside that alligator’s stomach.”
Fluttershy glared at Twilight with tears in her eyes. Behind her their friends were all motioning for Twilight to stop with that line of reasoning and to take back what she’d said.
Twilight sighed and backpedaled halfheartedly, “I mean let’s go get Angel Bunny back, yay…”
Pinkie reached into her mane and pulled out her toothless pet alligator. He was wearing a top hat and bow tie and holding a large bouquet of roses in his claw. She set the tiny alligator on the ground and he waddled slowly over to the full-sized alligator female.
He stared up at her and blinked one eye slowly… then the other.
The larger gator opened her mouth and moved forward. She snatched the roses from Gummy and began thrashing around, throwing rose petals everywhere. Gummy just stared passively for a moment before waddling back to Pinkie Pie who held him up and hugged him gently.
“Aw,” she cooed. “Poor little guy got his heart broken.”
Gummy blinked one eye slowly… then the other.
“Well if that didn’t work,” Pinkie said as she stuffed Gummy back into her mane. “Maybe Spike could scare it off.”
Spike sputtered. “What!? It’s five times my size!”
“Well, you’re a dragon,” Pinkie said with a grin.
Rainbow Dash punched one hoof into the other. “I get it! He’s like, a higher order of lizard or something right? Higher up on the food chain or some junk. He could probably spook it!”
“Oh, certainly not,” Rarity scoffed. She grabbed Spike and pulled him close. “You can’t ask poor Spikey to face that beast. He’s just a cute little dragon!”
Spike shook off the moment of bliss as Rarity held him close and reluctantly pushed her away. This was a chance to impress her and he wasn’t going to let it slip him by.
“Worry not, milady,” he stated dramatically. “I am indeed a brave dragon, and we are kings of the lizard world. I shall command this simple animal to do as I bid.”
Spike ran forward eagerly and stopped only a stride away from where the alligator rested.
“Now see here, beast,” Spike addressed the thing. “I am a noble dragon of the house of dragon, and I hold dominion over you. I command you to return our friend’s pet and leave at once.”
The gator stared at Spike silently. It snapped its jaws once, but otherwise made no indication that it acknowledged his presence.
“You listen to me, you dumb amphibian!” Spike shouted. He stepped forward another half stride and slapped it on the nose.
The alligator clamped its jaws around Spike’s hand before he could pull it back. It spun in a death roll and took Spike clean off his feet. The little dragon screamed and frantically beat his free claw against the alligator’s snout as he was dragged into the water.
The assembled ponies stood with jaws slack at the sudden violence before Rarity’s scream brought them back to reality.
“SPIKEY!” she shrieked.
Rainbow Dash reared up and dove for the water, her eyes filled with tears and murderous intent. He charge was stopped as Pinkie Pie tackled her to the ground at incredible speed, digging a deep furlough in the dirt.
“Don’t do it, Dashie! It’s suicide!” The pair wrestled as Dash continued to try to fly to the aid of her friend.
Twilight had flipped open her book and was flipping through the pages rapidly for advice on what to do. Next to her Fluttershy was beginning to tremble with fear.
The water began to churn and bubble violently.
“Look he’s fighting back!” Rarity shouted hopefully.
They all watched as the water was disturbed by the frenetic movement of the two reptiles locked in perceived mortal combat. Occasionally Spike’s head would break the water enough to gasp deeply before he was dragged back down.
The minutes ticked away until finally the thrashing stopped. The water went still and the air was quiet.
“Spikey…?” Rarity muttered. “NO, SPIKE! DON’T LEAVE ME, I LOVE YOU!”
Spike’s head popped out of the water again as he swum for shore. His scales were scratched and filthy but otherwise he looked unharmed. He scrambled away from the water and knelt in front of his shocked friends, gasping for breath.
“WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?”
“Nothing!” Rarity went rigid and bit her lip. “I didn’t say anything.”
“Yes, you did! You said that you…” Spike started to say.
Rarity cocked her head and looked away. “Oh!? Sorry, everypony, I hear my mother calling me in for dinner! Yes, mother, I’m coming home right now!”
The mare spun around and ran as fast as she could back in the direction of town, her hair covering her face so nopony could see her blush.
“Rarity, you haven’t lived with your parents for years!” Twilight called after her. She sighed and looked down at her little dragon. “What happened down there?”
The usually soft spines along Spike’s back went stiff like the hairs on a cat’s back.
“Who said anything happened!?” he shouted, his eyes glazing over in fright.
“But you were under the water for so long…”
“We’re just friends!” Spike proclaimed furiously.
“Wait… what…?” Twilight asked.
Spike tilted his head and looked in the direction of Ponyville. “Okay, mom! I’m coming home now! Sorry, my mom’s calling me for dinner, too!”
Spike jumped to his feet and beat a hasty retreat back to Ponyville.
“Spike!” Twilight called after him. “Spike, we have the same mom and she lives in Canterlot!”
The friends looked to each worriedly before turning back to the lake. The alligator had crawled out of the water and wandered back onto shore.
It blinked one eye slowly… and not the other.
“Enough is enough,” Fluttershy declared. She took to the air and took a wide stance before the alligator. She blinked hard and gave the alligator The Stare. “You look, here, miss meanie-teeth. You do not go around eating pony’s pets. I understand you have certain dietary requirements, but that type of diet has no place amongst civilized pony society. Now you will regurgitate my Angel Bunny and go back to Froggy Bottom Bog or wherever you came from.”
The gator shrunk back momentarily as though cowed, but then lunged forward to bite Fluttershy’s face off. Rainbow Dash was ready this time and whisked her friend away from danger. She set the shivering yellow pegasus on the ground near their friends and glared at the alligator.
“Fluttershy what’s wrong with you!?” Twilight shouted. “You can’t reason with an alligator!”
“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash agreed.
“It’s a mindless eating machine!” Twilight explained.
“Yeah!” Dash nodded.
“Like Rainbow Dash!” Twilight pointed to the nodding mare.
“Yeah!” Dash concurred.
“Dashie, are you even listening to the conversation?” Pinkie asked.
“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash answered. “She said we were going to go get lunch right?”
Twilight sighed. “Let’s regroup back in town.”
***
Twilight beat her hoof against the podium inside Ponyville town hall. Over half of the town had assembled into the large meeting room to join the discussion over what to do about the newest unwelcomed resident of Ponyville.
“Alright, alright, everypony calm down,” Twilight shouted over the din of panicked ponies. “Let’s get this underway.”
Twilight flared her wings regally. “Quiet!” she commanded. “Panic will get us nowhere. Now as I was saying. The problem is that there’s an alligator in the lake. I’ve gone down myself and confirmed this. The question now is: what do we do about it?”
Twilight looked over her shoulder at Mayor Mare who was sitting on the floor peering down at a newspaper.
“Any thoughts?” Twilight asked with a raised eyebrow.
The mayor licked her hoof and turned the page slowly, as if in thought, before answering, “Nope.”
“Fine,” Twilight sighed. “Does anypony have any idea? Any at all?”
Quiet murmurs filled the room.
“Why don’t you blow it up with magic?” somepony in the back asked.
“I’m afraid I can’t do that,” Twilight answered. “You see there are certain laws that we princesses must abide by, and chief amongst those are the ones that keep our nearly-cosmic god-like powers in check. You see in c.407.27 of the Treaty of Exposition it clearly states…”
The entire room groaned in unison.
“Alright look, long story short: there’s a certain set of laws that says I can’t do it since I’m a princess now, and they’re like the only small batch of laws that I can’t just outright change with a royal decree,” Twilight explained. “Therefore we need a plan of action, but nopony here seems to have any idea of what to do.”
A quiet squeaking noise, like the gentle screech of sneakers on hardwood, echoed off the walls.
Everypony in the hall turned to see Applejack standing next to a chalk board, a pair of black rubber gloves pulled up to the armpits of her forehooves.
“Dangit, sorry y'all,” Applejack apologized as she started rubbing her hooves together to remove the gloves. “Was doin’ some work on the plumbin’, forgot to take my rubber gloves off before ah got here.”
She rubbed her hooves together frantically, trying to pull the gloves off, cursing under her breath at every failed attempt. She gripped them with her teeth and started pulling at them awkwardly.
“How’d ah get these stupid things on in the first place…?” she muttered angrily.
Twilight rolled her eyes and lifted Applejack up in her magical grip, flipping her upside down and yanking the gloves off.
“Thank ya kindly, Twi,” Applejack said with a tilt of her Stetson. She reached a hoof back up to the chalkboard and dragged it down slowly, emitting a high pitched squeal that rattled the teeth of everypony in the room as her hoof dug into the board.
“Why would you do that!?” Twilight shouted as she dug in her ear to stop the ringing.
“I was tryin’ to get everypony’s attention,” Applejack replied sheepishly.
“YOU ALREADY HAD IT!” Twilight yelled.
“Oh, well, anydangway,” Applejack shrugged. “I’ll get yer gator.”
Twilight blinked. “You’ll get it?”
“Yup,” Applejack smirked. “Ah know gators. Ah got kin what wrassle ‘em. See the thing about gators: they got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eye.”
Pinkie stood up on her chair to face Applejack over the crowd. “Gummy’s an alligator and his eyes are purple.”
“Well Gummy’s hardly normal is he!?” Applejack snapped. “Most gators have black eyes, like a doll’s eye.”
“Wait, even that last part’s not true,” Twilight stated, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. “My doll Smartypants had buttons for eyes.”
“Do ya want me to get the gator or not!?” Applejack shouted.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “If you think you can do it, sure.”
“Oh, ah can do it,” Applejack grinned, polishing a hoof on her chest. “For a price.”
“What price would that be?” Twilight asked.
“Ah want to eat it.”
“You… you what?” Twilight blinked.
“Ya heard me,” Applejack addressed the room full of shocked, silent ponies. “Ah wanna eat it. And ain’t nopony gunna say boo about it. Ah don’t want to hear no cracks about carnivore this or taboo that. That’s my price: one free pass to eat meat with no social repercussions.”
“But we’re ponies!” Twilight pointed out. “We don’t eat meat!”
“And haven’t ya ever wondered what we were missin’?”
The entire room blinked.
“Okay…” Twilight said after a moment’s contemplation. “I agree. Everypony else agree? This doesn’t work unless everypony agrees.”
There were quiet murmurs but no obvious dissention.
“Also ah want to make it into a hat,” Applejack added.
“Yes, fine! Get rid of it and you can eat it and wear it and make the bones dance for all I care!” Twilight sighed. She banged her hoof loudly and adjourned the meeting.
***
Applejack sat at the edge of the lake, staring out over the vast expanse of water. The cloud of muck obscuring the water had yet to settle, so Applejack was just keeping an open eye for any ripples in the water or odd shapes.
“Oooooweee there go mah niece,” came a voice from behind her. “Look dis here pretty filly. Old uncle Swampy no have seen’t you since you no bigger than possum cub. Now you hunt big gatah, make you uncle full of pride!”
Applejack grinned and ran to her uncle. She threw her arms around the old gray stallion and nuzzled her face into his big bushy beard. “Uncle Swamp Apple! Did ya have a good trip?”
“Smooth like water off big froggy’s ass,” he chuckled.
Uncle Swamp Apple was a very distant cousin from the Appleachian Mountains, but prior to his retirement he’d grown up in the deepest parts of the swamp, surrounded by alligators and all manner of dangerous swamp critters, and he had the scars to prove it. He was missing half of his hoof from a fight with three big alligators, had patches of fur fall out from taking a few too many snake bites, and was missing a whole ear on his right side.
If anypony could show her the ropes of gator wrestling, it was him.
“So reckon ya can help me with this gator problem?” Applejack asked hopefully.
“Dat why Uncle Swampy ‘ere, girl,” he barked happily. “Now you just watch an’ old Swamp Apple gon’ tetch you how ta fight gatah. I just soften him up for you, you take note, watch how it done, ‘ey?”
Uncle Swampy stood and removed his saddle bag. He rooted around in the old beat up bags and pulled out a beaten, dented flask. He unscrewed the top with a practiced flourish of his hoof and drank deeply.
“Oooooowwwweeeeeeeee!” Swampy sighed and smacked his lips in satisfaction. “Good whisky make jack rabbit slap da bear!”
He put back the flask and withdrew a large knife which he held in his teeth. He trotted confidently into the water and disappeared beneath the surface.
Applejack sat and watched with a smile on her face.
She watched.
And watched.
And watched.
The minutes ticked on and turned into hours.
Applejack looked up at the setting sun and sighed as she reached into Swampy’s bags to withdraw his flask. She took a large swig and shuddered at the bitterness.
“Granny’s not gunna be happy about this…”
***
Rarity opened the front door of her boutique and let Applejack in.
“Heya, Rares,” Applejack greeted. “Ya get the stuff ah sent over?”
“Mmm, yes, I did,” Rarity nodded. “I must ask how you got it though…”
“Spike had it lyin’ ‘round the house,” Applejack replied. “Said ah could have it.”
“Ah, well,” Rarity coughed. “I have completed… your… request.”
Rarity’s horn lit and levitated a box from a locked cupboard and set it down in front of her friend.
“Your object of the macabre: as ordered.”
Applejack opened the box and pulled out a stuffed replica of Spike. It was perfect in every way, right down to the shape and angle of his spines. Applejack sat and ran a hoof over the smooth scales of the plushie. After hearing about the alligator’s little incident with Spike, she figured the big lizard was sweet on him, so a doll made out of his shed skins was the perfect bait to lure it out.
“It’s perfect, Rares,” Applejack smiled. “So lifelike… How’d you get so much detail into it? Ya use pictures of him?”
“Non-non, I did it all by memory, darling,” she replied with a proud sniff. She widened her eyes and quickly added, “B-b-b-but of course I could do the same for the rest of our friends as well! It’s not like I’ve ever paid particularly close attention to Spike’s body or measurements or the way his spines rise and dip into excruciatingly perfect little valleys!” She slapped a hoof over her mouth.
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “That so…? Well ah better get a mosey on if ah want to get to fishin’ fer this thing while ah still got the sun. Thanks again, Rares.”
“Y-yes, well, be very careful with that, Applejack,” she added as the orange mare walked towards the door. “It took a few attempts to get it perfect, so there is absolutely not even a scrap of the… ‘material’… left, so I won’t be able to make another until Spikey sheds again.”
Rarity waved her friend off and locked the door with her magic. She sighed heavily and fanned her face.
“Well played, Rarity, she never suspected a thing,” the white mare muttered with a smile to herself.
She trotted over to the cabinet the box came from and levitated down a package wrapped in heavy duty paper. She unwrapped it and gingerly pulled out a sheet of Spike’s shed scales almost the size of the dragon himself. She ran her hoof tenderly over the scales, admiring the way they reflected the light in a bright rainbow of colors. She held it to her face reverently and inhaled deeply, moaning in satisfaction over the scent.
“Oh, I’m going to make you into the best plushie ever,” she hummed.
“Are you sniffing new fabric? I love the smell of new fabric! Can I smell it too!?”
Rarity reared up and held the shed skin behind her back from her sister who was standing on the stairs leading into the shop.
“Sweetie! Go buy ice cream!”
Sweetie Belle blinked. “What?”
Rarity’s magic opened a drawer and pulled out her cash box. It opened and a few bits were tossed carelessly in her sister’s direction.
“Go! Now! It’s an emergency! Ice cream! Don’t come home until dark!”
Sweetie Belle’s eyes widened at the money on the floor: it was enough to get triple scoop sundaes for her and her friends, with enough left over for a movie. She snatched the money up with both hooves and ran for the door without further question.
Rarity locked the door again and collapsed to the floor. She splayed out on her back, gasping and trying to slow her heartbeat. She folded the scales around her muzzle and breathed into them like a paper bag.
“That’s what mama likes…”
***
“Ah love ya, gator,” Applejack whispered tiredly. “Ah love ya like a brother, but ah must kill ya…”
It had already been two full days since she’d set out to the middle of the lake in her little row boat. Two days since she’d placed her Spike decoy into a little foal’s innertube, tied a string and hook to it, and set it drifting. The dragon plushie bobbed happily with every ripple of the water. The large, lifelike smile on its face made it look like Spike was really enjoying his little two day swim.
Occasionally one of her friends would stop by and offer to help or bring her food: she always turned down both offers. This gator was now on her list. This was personal.
“AJ! We really need to talk to you!” shouted Twilight’s voice from the shore.
Applejack turned her groggy, tired gaze to where Twilight stood surrounded by their friends. The sight of them energized her just a little.
“Well ah need y'all to shut up or yer gunna spook the gator!” she shouted back with a frown.
"Applejack you don't have to do this for me anymore," Fluttershy cried. "I've finally come to grips with what happened to Angel and I'm ready to move on! It's just the natural order!"
"This ain't about ya or some natural order," Applejack snapped in reply. "This is about gettin' some of that sweet, sweet gator meat and a new hat!"
“You need to give up this white whale of yours!” Twilight shouted back.
“Stupid Twi,” Applejack muttered with a weary chuckle to herself. “Gators ain’t whales… Thinks she’s so smart…”
“What’d you say!? We can’t hear you!” Pinkie shouted.
“Ah said mind yer own business!”
“At least eat something, AJ!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
“Nothin’ doin’!” Applejack responded hotly. She set the fishing rod down and stood in the boat to fully face her friends. “Y'all see the size of this gator? Ah’m gunna need all the room ah can get to fit this beast once ah catch it.”
Applejack heard the gentle dip of something sliding smoothly into the water. She turned and stared at the spot where her fishing pole had rested only seconds ago. Another splash brought her eyes to a spot a few paces away from the boat, where the alligator had raised its head above the water enough to show her the Spike plushie now held in its teeth. It squeezed gently and the doll squeaked.
Applejack watched the gator and its new toy slip beneath the still surface of the lake.
“Ah’m goin’ to say some unkind things now,” she said through clenched teeth, just loud enough for her friends to hear from shore over the otherwise deafening silence. “Ah need y'all to leave so’s ah can say ‘em.”
“But, AJ…” Pinkie started to say.
“NOW!!!”
The group of friends fled the scene as one as Applejack’s anger began to build.
Her angry cursing pierced the air and could be heard all the way back in town. The string of colorful, impolite language was so long winded, so obscene, and so loud, that in the coming years that day would be talked about as The Day of Bad Words.
***
It was the fourth day of Applejack’s campaign to capture and eat an alligator. The normally reliable pony had walked through town on the way to the lake with her brim pulled low. There had been murmurs and backtalk from the ponies as she passed by. The talk wasn’t about her wanting to eat the alligator, everyone had agreed that she’d get a pass on that and they meant it; the talk was about her inability to finally bag it.
Applejack pushed the boat into the water from the shore, climbed in, and pulled off her saddlebags. She grabbed the oars and paddled her way to the middle of the water: the site of her, to date, total failure. But that streak of failure would end today.
“So it’s come to this,” she stated loudly, hoping the alligator would hear it. She got up and dug through her bags, pulling out a long stick of dynamite with a water proof fuse.
“Granny always said fishin’ with dynamite was cheatin’,” she shouted to the water as she lit the explosive. “But Granny ain’t here, is she?”
She tossed the stick into the water and hunkered down with her hooves over her ears. A few seconds later there was a loud thump and a splash as the dynamite went off. Applejack got back up and swished her tail happily.
“How ya like them apples!?” she taunted.
Dead and stunned fish began to float to the surface of the water with a hundred little audible plops. She smiled with glee as the entire lake was soon filled with floating fish. It would only be a moment until the alligator came floating belly up as well.
Just as she was thinking it, the alligator reached the surface, but not belly up. It peeked its head out and opened its jaw, swimming around and swallowing the easily caught fish as it went.
Applejack watched stunned, wide eyed, as the gator made its rounds, vacuuming up every fish without even chewing. In a matter of minutes it had swept the surface of the water clean and returned to the depths.
A gust of wind blew hard and rocked the boat just a little, knocking over an oar that hit her leg and broke her trance. She lifted the oar over her head and began beating it against the water in fury.
“WHY…”
Splash!
“…MUST…”
Splash!
“…AH…”
Splash!
“…FAIL…”
Splash!
“…AT EVERY ATTEMPT…”
Splash!
“…AT GATOR FISHIN’!?”
Thud!
Applejack blinked at the odd sound. She peered over the edge of the boat and found the alligator, floating belly up alongside the boat.
She jabbed it with the oar but it didn’t respond.
***
“And that is the story of how ah saved Ponyville and ate a gator,” Applejack sighed happily from her rocking chair.
A dozen children of all ages were crowded around her chair. This was a common scene at Sweet Apple Acres: the foals sitting on the floor, listening in rapt attention to the ancient mare spin her yarns about the old days.
A little purple filly with a short, snow white mane raised a clawed hoof into the air, scratching at the scales under her arm as she did.
“Wait a minute, Granny Jack,” the filly said. “Go back a second. What did the alligator do to my grandpa?”
Applejack hunkered down deeper into her rocking chair and sighed contentedly as she rubbed her belly. “That sure was a good gator…”
“No, really, what happened? Is that why he cried the time my iguana jumped into his lap?”
“Tasty… tasty gator…”
Applejack drifted off to sleep, her head lolling forward, the brim of her alligator skin hat covering her face.
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...Did... Did a gator just have her way with Spike? I'm okay with this.
That was actually pretty funny.
Mmm, we got some high-quality wat right here.
Why do I now want to see Swamp People/MLP:FiM crossover?
I...just bravo.
Nice little simpsons reference there.
Oh spike ahahahahahahahahahahah
...my sides hurt and I blame you
Thumb and added to my recommendation group.
No Rarity breathing into the plushy Spike is not creepy at all.
Oh dude I would kill for that's Sparity story!
Oh, ugh.
My stomach hurts from laughing so hard...
They should have joined forces and attacked the alligator as a team.
<I'm sorry Pinkie, but yes--he really did say that.)
It would have been a gator-raid.
that split my sides.
This was honestly one of the funniest stories I've read in a long time!
Approved for Twilight's Library and Tag-A-Long's Book Club
Featured in August for The Goodfic Bin
Why does this make me think of this video?
Reviewed by Seattle's Angels
10242141
God did you guys reach far back. Thanks though!
JESUS CHRIST.
Amazing!!
But ya' left out the most intriguing part....how did the alligator taste?
So did she club it or did it choke?