I'm not a pony, but I sure act like one.
The mind is a fickle thing. It can act independent of rhyme or reason and make us feel emotions that have no business existing. In this story, an innocent thought creeps into Pinkie's head, causing her to doubt her self worth. She begins longing for so much more from life.
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great idea, I think it's rather original. I'll track
388344
Thanks! Did you think the execution was good? Did Pinkie's slow descent to sadness seem believable? Did you feel anything while reading? This is an experimental work, so I want to find out as much as I can from my readers. :)
It's times like this I wish I were a writer... just so I could write reviews better. Sadly, all I can offer is mindless praise, so here goes!
Honestly, EQD has spoiled me. All I ever read are stories posted on there. Not sure what made me click on the home page of FiMFiction and find this; let alone click and read it, but I did - and I'm glad I did, because I'm liking what I'm reading!
A sign of maturity in our Pinkie flourishes, where she questions her place in the world. Love it!
I can really see this happening in a actual episode. Honestly it could be anypony, but Pinkie Pie was the perfect choice, considering I could see that situation having the most impact on her. (She is considered the youngest as far as I can tell.)
Can't really say much else, since this is barely just starting. I suck at spotting spelling errors and the like (if there were any), so I'll leave that to someone else.
Looking forward to more!
...
Now... how to figure out how to track a story...
This has some promise. The emotion was genuine and everyone seems to be written faithfully, for now anyway. There was nothing particularly wrong with your style. And I happen to have a soft spot for this kind of existential angst.
Still, it'd be nice to feel like it was going somewhere. I know it's slice-of-life and all, but there's so much build-up between the two chapters that are up that it's making me a little anxious. There really wasn't a whole lot of development between the first and second chapters to me, anyway. In the first chapter, you show that the seeds of doubt are planting into Pinkie's mind (the execution of which I did felt was just a bit contrived, but I do know from first hand experiences that thoughts and feelings like those do just pop up out of nowhere, so I buy it). In the second chapter, it's just embellished slightly. Both of which are things that could've been accomplished with just one chapter with more succinct writing. And if you don't want to change the way you write, that's fine; I'm not saying you should. Just combine the two chapters. 4,000 words isn't going to kill anyone. That's like, what...five, ten minutes of reading? And your prose and style isn't difficult or obtuse by any stretch of the imagination, so it would take even less time. They're both just build-up chapters that accomplish much of the same thing. And I understand that they were posted near simultaneously together and it's not like there was a month's wait in between. But the fact is that they're separate chapters that should expressing separate ideas and accomplishing distinct things.
Anyway, the entire point of that was to say the ball should get rolling sooner rather than later. Introspection is fine and it's well-written, but eventually the point comes where those introspective thoughts and feelings need to be turned into some kind of action. That's just good writing. I see it a lot where someone will write tons of build-up and take forever to reach a disappointing resolution. Like a bad Stephen King novel. Or a spanish telenovela. Basically, a point to all of this (the story so far) should at least be hinted at when the new chapters come around.
I'm probably telling you things you already know, but I'm just trying to help as much as I can.
Good luck to you. Go Patriots.
388399
Wow, thanks for your feedback. It really helps. I understand where you're coming from. I feel this story is very delicate. I didn't want to have Pinkie Pie immediately descend into sadness and self doubt right away. I wanted to pace it properly. The first chapter is just the introduction to what causes Pinkie to start doubting herself, and the second chapter is how it begins dragging her down. At this point, she's mainly keeping up appearances around her friends (although Fluttershy has a keen eye for this sort of thing, as you've noticed). The next step will be for these feelings to manifest themselves around her friends and other ponies. They'll want to find out what's wrong with her, but she won't tell them, either out of shame or a desire to not worry them (which has been mentioned before).
So that's why the first two chapters are broken up. I want Pinkie's descent to be gradual and clearly defined. Chapter two is also a different day, so it made sense to me to split it.
Anyways, I'm glad you're enjoying. It's good to hear that the emotion came off as genuine to you. Since Pinkie Pie isn't displaying any obvious tells around her friends, I could only tell the emotion, and I was afraid it wouldn't have as great as an impact.
I don't even like Pinkie Pie in any particular and your story makes me want to reach through my screen and try to cheer her up.
I'm impressed. This is an idea I've seen explored before, but not in such detail and at such pacing. Usually I see it get rushed through straight to the bit where Pinkie goes absolutely cupcakes. You are doing a good job, especially with the way her efforts to self-correct backfire on Pinkie and put her further into her spiral.
One change I would suggest making is, don't sandwich your dialogue inside narrative. I cannot recall if it's actually incorrect to do that. However, you can give dialogue greater prominence / impact by leaving it free on the end or beginning of a paragraph instead of burying it inside the paragraph.
388358
Executed beautifully, I felt her slip into depression just by reading it.
That was a nice little read.
I loved Applejack's part. That's exactly what she would and how she would say it. The whole "I'm too busy to think like that" was really poignant, I thought, and it set up Pinkie's thoughts at the end about finding her purpose really well. Overall, everypony was written well and the progression of events was believable. Your paragraphing form is also a lot better.
One minor thing I have against it is that I, petsonally, find your descriptive style (especially when describing emotions and expressions) just a little thick in some places. It might just be a matter of taste (I prefer a minimalist approach to those kinds of things) and I'm probably in a minority opinion here, but there were places where I stopped and thought to myself "Really?"
But good job. Can't wait for the next one.
399630
I'm really glad you're enjoying! Might you be able to give an example of where you found the descriptions of emotions and expressions too heavy? That's always a place I try to focus on coming across as believable as possible, especially since conveying emotion can be tricky. And do you have any thoughts on Fluttershy's later bit? Did she still seem believable and in character to you?
Thanks again
399680
Sure. Again, it's just my taste.
What I mean by "thick" is that I think you lay it on thick. As in...overly-visceral. And also in that you describe a bit too much.
One example near the beginning.
She should have hopped instantly out of bed, but she just laid there, limp and motionless. Tears began to leak down her face; tears of bleak emptiness.
The second sentence I rolled my eyes at. It's really maudlin.
Here's what I'm talking about in terms of "too much".
Meanwhile, Pinkie was reaching the edge of Ponyville city limits. Buildings became more spread out as she walked, and the stone road gave way to an old dirt path. Soon there was no other pony in sight, just Pinkie as she dragged herself onward. The path stretched over rolling emerald hills towards Sweet Apple Acres, an earthy scent wafting into her nostrils. Apple trees dotted the grassy landscape, the fruit glistening in the sun. However, the beautiful landscape was lost on Pinkie. Her eyes remained drooped towards the ground below, and she had to search for motivation with every step.
I'd cut out the bolded part. It's all about trimming some of the excess away when it doesn't add to the effect.
Applejack thinks she's so special with her apple farm. Well, she isn't. Anypony could grow an apple orchard. It's not even hard.
The words echoed in her mind, empty and meaningless.
And Rarity, you and those dresses...don't you have anything more important to do?
It was a coping mechanism. She didn't truly believe what she thought.
I'd cut the bold part. Then move "The words echoed...meaningless" to where the bold used to be. You've already indicated that she didn't truly believe what she was thinking with "The words echoed...meaningless" so you don't need to have the bold part.
Fluttershy was sitting in the kitchen, sipping a glass of milk. Her wings were folded against her back, much to Pinkie's relief; it made it easier for her to ignore them. "Oh, hello Pinkie. I just thought I would come over to try and help you cheer up a little." She smiled.
You get the idea. in this part, you've already explained times before and times immediately afterwards that Pinkie Pie doesn't like looking at Fluttershy's wings because it makes her jealous. I know it's a focal point for her emotions, but it doesn't need to be brought up at every opportunity; only when it has the most effect. Otherwise, it starts becoming tired.
And that's really what I'm talking about. i know this si the sort of story this is supposed to be very visceral and very descriptive, but you need to be careful of running the risk of being too visceral and too descriptive. Doing that interrupts the natural flow of the story, but it also makes the overall effect of the story weaker. Because it will all start to get tired, and when you get to that point, where you're being too emotional and too flowery, it will start making the story hard to take seriously. You're, for the most part, very good about this, but it does come up here and there. Just a warning.
As for Fluttershy, I thought you wrote a decent one. (Though, and this is very much a matter of perception, I wouldn't have written her as articulate and with that same style and syntax as you did. But it's really not a problem and you shouldn't worry about it at all.
I'll get to Chapter 4 a bit later.
401757
Thanks, I took a couple of your suggestions.
I hope you enjoy chapter four (the last chapter). Mainly, what I want to know is if it ends too abruptly or in an unbelievable way. Does it feel like it needs to be padded out a little?
EDIT: After reading through the end again, I've decided it needs just a little more fleshing out. I'll comment when I'm done with the changes. You can read it now if you want, though.
EDIT 2: Okay, have mainly finished editing the last chapter. I hope you enjoy it! I wasn't sure exactly how to end it, so I hope the way I did it seems believable and makes sense.
Just another Cupcakes prequel, or an original story that makes a lot more sense? Based on what I've seen you write so far, I'll bet on the latter. Nice job making it a descent, and not random unexplained massacre insanity.
This was a very nicely written piece. Nice themes explored and dealt with too. Did think the coming out of the depression was a little abrupt and could've gone a bit longer but that's a minor point in what otherwise was a solidly written story.
The only real problem with the piece for me is your look at Pinky herself. Hearkening back to her own childhood on the rock farm would seem to have been on the agenda. Also tossing in more of her desire to bring happiness to others by organizing parties...Only to fail a client dragging her further down might again have been a interesting take on things. Her being called on to decorate and throw a party for the princesses might also have been a good tale. still regardless of those issues great story. Favorited and rated.
Uh oh, I can sense things getting bad!
You can has review!