Seashell

by Winston

Excerpt XI

Seashell
XI

---

From the journal of Sunburst, October 2, 1329 YS:

---

I'm going back to the Seawall!

Actually, the posting opened up for application almost a month ago and I put in the request for it then, but I didn't dare to hope that I would actually get it. I don't know why I did get it, for that matter. Maybe they were just so surprised they decided to call my bluff. After all, I've never heard of anypony going back around for a second tour there. Once in a lifetime seems to have always been enough.

Captain Dash pulled me into her office at noon today, after the morning shift I was on ended. That's when I found out. The orders had just arrived at the palace by courier a little earlier. I think she was even more surprised than I was when they showed up.

She stood behind the desk in her office, while I stood in front of it across from her. "Let me get this right. You actually requested to go back?" She asked me incredulously.

I told her I did.

"Well, Sunburst, you're an odd duck," she shrugged and shook her head. "But if this is what you want... Who am I to say anything? Congratulations. You must have impressed somepony. I hear the Seawall isn't a very easy posting to get."

"Thank you, Captain," I grinned like a fool. I was just so happy to get that news that I couldn't help it.

"Gonna miss you here in the guard. You've done good so far," she reached up with a forehoof and pushed some papers across her desk to me. "Your copy of the orders are right here. They're effective in two weeks. Is that enough time for you to be ready? You need any help with anything before then?"

"No thanks, Captain. That should be more than enough," I assured her. I meant it. Two weeks? Too long, really. I'd probably leave tomorrow if they'd let me. "I don't have much stuff. I'll just toss what I do have in storage somewhere and prepay for the six months 'til I get back. That's what I did last time. Never had any problems."

"Heh. Sounds like you've already got it figured out," she nodded.

I suppose I did.

I suppose I've had my exit from this guard posting figured out for a while, at least in the sense that I need to make one. I just didn't really know how it would happen or where I'd go next until now.

The feeling I have right now is a combination of sheer joy that it's the Seawall I'm going to because there's nowhere else in this world I'd rather be, and simple relief to have that piece of the exit puzzle solved because I know I can't really be here much longer.

I know what Captain Dash said, that I've been doing good here, but I've been struggling with exactly that thought. It's been very difficult lately for me. Am I really doing so well? I can't see how.

I've come to feel that the truth is I'm no good as a guard. I mean, sure, I can see how it could look like I am from outside. On the one hoof, I could just write it in and say that my responsibility is ensuring Princess Twilight's physical safety and I've done that, so mission accomplished, let's just call it good on that note and not think any further about it. On the other hoof, though, I can't lie to myself. My princess and my commanding officer are suffering. What use am I if I'm going to stand here, day after day, and just watch this happen? What good am I if I can't help either of them?

Everypony around would tell me that that's not my problem and not my responsibility. I know that as far as anything I'm actually on the hook for, they're right.

None of that changes how I feel.

I keep having dreams about it - dreams of all kinds of places, it doesn't matter whether it's somewhere as far removed from everything as the Seawall or someplace as close and crowded as downtown Canterlot. A common thread runs through them. Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash are trapped and somepony just needs to bring them a key that would free them... And I can't do it. I try and I try, but I can't, something I'm terrified of always stops me. They always tell me it's not my fault, and that only makes me feel more pathetic.

I wake up in tears, cursing myself.

I should say something but I'm too scared. I should do something but I don't know how, not without feeling like I'll just screw things up even more. My confidence is just... Not there. It's wearing me away. I know it's only a matter of time before it makes me ineffective in other ways and I become a liability more than I am a value to have around as a guard.

It's time I admitted I'm a coward and I can't be the pony they need here. Best to just stand aside and hope that there's somepony else with the courage to do that who can come take my place.

It stabs at me in sharp little jabs day by day to watch them, the way I see all the little things now.

I have an old seashell I brought home from my previous tour at the Seawall. It's big, half the size of my head. I found it half-buried in the sand on the beach, long since emptied. I dug it out of the sand with my hooves. It was dirty at first, but I rinsed it off in the salt water of the ocean and when it was clean it shone brilliantly, with opalescent mother-of-pearl in delicate rainbow hues of green and pink over silky smooth ivory white underneath. It was beautiful, and I kept it as a souvenier to remind me of the wall in case I never saw a place like that again.

I listen to my seashell often, when I'm home and not doing anything else. When I hold that shell up to my ear, there's a sound, faint, so faint it's just barely but unmistakably there, of the ocean from which that shell came - the ocean on the far side of the wall. The sound is soothing, and calming, and having it nearby at hoof eases some of the pangs of my longing to see once again the place that it came from.

The sound of that shell takes me back to the lonely shore that I realize now I fell in love with while I was there because me and that place, we're the same. It's the sound of myself, what I really am.

This sound is part of why I can't stand to be here any more around the princess and the captain. In that softly rushing noise of the ocean surf, I hear them, too, because it's the same sound as me. In that sound I hear the silence of things they're not saying to each other because they can't. I hear their loneliness. I hear the mourning song of how things have to be for them because they think they can never have what they really want, not without losing everything. I hear the sound of complete solitude.

It's the sound of what I love but they can't escape.

It's wonderful but it's heartbreaking, the sound in that seashell.

That's enough to know that I need to leave here.

Comments

[Unbridled Dolly]

Will there be a happy ending?

[Unbridled Dolly]

4307343

[Winston]

4307515 All will be revealed by the end of this weekend. The remaining chapters will be published by then. :)

[Unbridled Dolly]

4307687

[PaulAsaran]

Now waitaminute. C'mon, Sunburst, don't you see where this is going? If the sound of the ocean in a seashell makes you think of them and feel all mopey, how's the actual sea going to make you feel?

Simple prediction: Sunburst will not be able to stop thinking about it while at the Wall. This one's a bit of a stretch, but I won't be surprised if Morning Mist is there again, as well – a physical reminder of what she let slide. Comprehensions soon to come, along with a letter to Princess Can't-Stop-Trying-To-Make-Everypony-But-Me-Happy Twilight.

[Krickis]

So we get to the title here. This story remains so beautiful and feels so purposeful at every turn. I'm a bit sad to see Sunburst go, and I have to remind myself that it's what she wants. She's just so good in the little interactions we see with her and others, she's not a social pony but she's got a good heart that shines through, and it feels like a loss to everyone around her for her to be out of their lives.

But again, everyone should be able to experience the life they want to live. I only hope that she can show that to Rainbow and Twilight by the end of the story. In glimpsing ahead at the chapter titles, I suspect she'll do just that. But time will tell (and likely not much time; I hope to finish tonight). For now, thank you for a lovely story.