• Member Since 9th May, 2013
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

Urimas Ebonheart


Writer and Spriter. Consider supporting my Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/urimasebonheart

Sequels1

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Farengar, a simple nord warrior looking for his next job finds himself facing up against a necromancer to find a tome for his employer, but something happens and he's sent to Equestria by some unknown means, what will he do? Unbeknownst to him he holds a great power bestowed by Akatosh himself to a chosen few within him.

Story has hit the 100,000 word mark!

Completed. Sequel in progress.

Chapters (36)
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Comments ( 556 )

Each sentence is, really, kinda too long.
You need to start cutting dem (intentional) sentences up.

4225168 Ok I'll keep that in mind and fix it, as I said this is my 1st story I gota start somewhere :)

I like it so far. Some grammar and spelling errors here and there, but what do I know?

Hm, this looks like it's been interesting read. So I have to ask. Is this just a random Nord or the Dragonborn?

4225331 this is based around the same time as Skyrim but the dragons will be at Equestria not Tamriel, hes the dragonborn but just does not know it yet, I plan later for him to go explore and find "fus ro dah" in the Everfree forest at an old ruin.

cant wait to introduce sheogorath to discord......oh the chaos that they could cause!

There are alot of details.

Alright, you need A LOT of help with this.
This can go somewhere.........
-You need to break down your "paragraphs" into individual sentences. All I see is one shitty sentence that looks like a paragraph.

You turn you attention back to the white horse in front of you with your own surprised and confused expression(.) After a few seconds a loud scream echoes throughout the room you turn to the noise ready for anything and see a light brown horse with green hair looking at you with a look of terror before it bolts off down a hallway(.) The armored ones start yelling in a language you can't understand and start charging at you. You see this and decide to make a run for it, turning to the south side of the room and barging through the large double doors(.) You entered a large lobby like room. It looks grand but the details are lost on you as you're busy running from these strange horses(.) You continue running to an open double door leading outside, but you are stopped as a horned horse with a white coat, two-toned blue mane and tail stands in your way with 10 other armored horses(.) The horse is giving you a glare with enough fire behind it to melt an entire frost atronach(.) You skid to a stop and turn left down another hallway, running past terrified unarmored horses(.) A couple of them even fainted from fear(.) You kept running until you came across a double door that was a dark blue colour with crescent moons on each door. You see shadowy figures along the walls on their way to you.

-Next, I don't even know how to explain this but let me show you. Dialogue needs to be separated:

"Ah there we go, so as to your question we are ponies. Me and my sister are Alicorns. There are also 3 other races such as, the Earth Ponies, the Pegasai and the Unicorns. What about you? What races are there from where you come from?" The white one looks to you with interest.

"Well as I said I'm a Nord. There are also the Bretons, Imperials, Redguards, Altmer, Bosmer, Dunmer, Orcs, Argonians and the Khajiit." You also explained some details about each race.

-There are still more things wrong with this. Tis need lots more work.
You're most welcome.

One little problem: The spell Celestia used. You said he was wearing a ring that was effecting their magic so it doesn't work as well, but Celestia can still cast a translation spell on him with no issue and it works fine. Maybe you should edit that part and say he took the ring off when he noticed she was failing at casting the spell so that it works or he took the ring off so the spell would work and allowed her to cast the spell...other than that, this is a good story. Have a like.

4226757 hmmm the ring was meant to stop him being manipulated (cancels out mind control, paralysis and levitation, I'm not sure if teaching him the equestrian language classes as mind control though as its not forcing him to do something against his will.

4226771 Getting taught a language through a spell can count as manipulation... besides, I thought you said it was a translation spell. So, technically, his mind is being manipulated to understand them, his own will or not, it's still manipulating his brain. But I guess you can say as long as he wants the spell to work it can.

4226803 ah screw it I'll add the part where it confuses celestia and he has to remove it.

4226723 Huh I thought I made them smaller, but you say I need to make them even shorter? well I got a long way to go. :P

4226820
I pulled those out of Chapter 1
I didn't check the prologue yet to see if you fixed...........
I'm confusing.

4226827 meh i'll learn along the way :)

currently editing chapter 2 pt 1 atm

4226827
Oh wait a minute! Your probably confusing ( , ) with ( . ) and so with that it makes it seem like each sentence look like a whole paragraph!

4226832 probably most likely heres how i see it each chunk of text before a full stop is a single event before it moves on.

that's how i see it. i guess i'm wrong?

4226834
Yep. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

4226848 well as i said i can write about 5 to 8 hours a day, so i got plenty of time to learn. at least the story is understandable at the moment right?

4226850
Yes, it's completely understandable.
:3

4226854 well that's good enough for me right now, at least im not making many spelling mistakes :D

i thought sentences were based on characters talking and paragraphs were events and or actions the characters are doing in detail.

I think its realy good. It has my two favorite things, skyrim and ponies.

I love you:heart: (NO HOMO) you're the only person I've seen that got his character to straight up knock Blue Blood cold in front of Celestia and Luna like it was a Sunday stroll. Seriously, the guy just stood up, punched him, sat back down and ate breakfast like nothing happened. He's a freaking boss.

4233988 Nords. They don't take anyone's shit.

So, Luna has a thing for our protagonist. Nice.

4236760 maybe, but there will be no clop in this story, I don't write that stuff.

This is a good story so far can't wait till the next update.

Remember how you said Nords don't take shit from anyone? Well, it looks like Chrysalis just gave him some shit and now he needs to return it.

I'll go prepare the grave for her.

"Will you relinquish your weapon?"

"Yep, sure!"

Nope, I'm out :facehoof:

I've read too many of 'those' stories to fill up seven shelves.

Nothing against you, I'm sure the story's quite interesting and what not, but I hate it when people (Is this guy meant to be a badass Nord?) just surrender everything over to Celly because 'The purty poni asked meh tu!"

Does my nut in. Apart from that though, I have nothing against it. Carry on! :twilightsmile:

4253080 oh would you wish to attack or anger a sun controlling immortal? I wouldn't, would be similar to going face to face with a daedric prince. but to each his own though sorry you did not like that part.

How is a nord to live without mead!

Skellington is Jack from A Nightmare Before Christmas's last name. A skeleton is the part of your body that's made up of bones.

4298250 ah thanks i'll fix that then :)

Wait... isn't Farengar the name of the court wizard from Whiterun? You kinda stole that. :unsuresweetie:

4344527 Farengar Secret Fire I believe is his name. He's kind of a jerk. He is reliable though. I am not sure he stole it. Maybe this is based off of his character that he named Farengar before he met the other. But most likely he stole it.

4345690 Yeah. Never much cared for that guy. I think I killed him during one of the Deadric quests.

4344527 Actually I just looked up nord names on UESP.net and picked Farengar because I liked the sound of it. :/

4346158 Eh... it's no big deal. Just something that I noticed.

4248585

Eeyup:eeyup:

grabs a shovel to help digging the grave

i hope new chapters come soon and i cant wait to see Farengar's reaction to the ''train''

4384360 had to do some sprite work, but the next chapter has been started.

Blueblod got served and now he cant do magic for some time and he lost his title, i wager Rarity would love to hear the news.:raritywink:

also hurry with the next chapter i cant wait to see the reaction Farengar will have when he sees the train.

4393384 hehe sure but I'll go at my own pace don't want to rush it and ruin it in the end.

4393389

true no need to rush since great stories cant be rushed.

tho reading great stories sure makes you want more and fast lol

I commend you good sir! Apocalypse cookie for you:pinkiehappy:

4395936 OH GOD WHY, WHY WOULD YOU EAT THAT. Oh right, i forgot to tell you what it does. You may have started the apocalypse in a plane of existence, or another planet carrying life.:twilightsheepish:

4396307 sweet I now know what guilt is! :fluttercry: and its tasty! :derpytongue2:

4396376 yeah, I have them with my lunch every day!:pinkiehappy:

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