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Ponyville is being threatened by the ravaging gang of drakes, Krastos’ Krew, looking to eat the town out of house and home! Brute force won’t work against these creatures, but Twilight Sparkle comes up with a plan to end their threat once and for all. A plan that rests on the shoulders of...Fluttershy?!
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I knew Fluttershy was hiding her true talent. This reminded me of an actual episode the way the story progressed. Great job. Definitely a fave from me.
388806
Thank you - I was definitely trying for an episode feel to this, as well as giving our favorite yellow pegasus her day to shine.
How the hell does this only have 140 views despite being posted a month ago?! IT'S A CRIME I TELL YOU!
Anyways, you're on EQD. Prepare for imminent popularity.
Fluttershy's "ugly duckling becomes a swan" backstory is wonderful, and I've practically already incorporated it into my headcanon. The name Whisper Wing is a pretty nice touch, as well
Twilight's Xanatos Gambit was completely on-point for her character, though. You'd think the residents of Ponyville would expect these types of things from their resident egghead and thrice-over savior.
Same goes for Rainbow Dash's jealousy over Whisper Wing (still such an awesome name, by the way
). You could tell that she was torn between rooting for her best friend and wanting to preserve her reputation. Excellent writing of her character.
All said and done, I thoroughly enjoyed this story. I wasn't expecting a whole lot - the name of the story actually put me off until I noticed it being featured on EqD. For that, I really must apologize.
There are a few spelling glitches (I can PM you an itemized list if you'd like to fix them
) but otherwise I'm done picking nits.
Congrats on the feature, and nice work!
Coffee paper HA HA HA. You're kidding right? Now random phrases are following me! Any way good luck Fluttershy. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? AHHHHH!
Resda: I'd appreciate any fixes you could PM me. Thanks for the positive comments!
As a note: I had this idea back right after Return of Harmony, a Discord based plot but couldn't flesh out a full encounter (the mane cast all had their CMs swapped) but got most of this story pulled from it. That was mostly done by the holiday break.
Then they announced Putting your hoof down, and Dragon Quest, and and Hurricane Fluttershy. I was watching those thinking "don't break it, but don't break it! " Fortunately, only HF required some changes, and to differ Fluttershy's public performance anxiety from not wanting to be a showoff.
Beautiful stuff! It felt like a true episode and Ioved the references to iron will and Harry the bear *Grins and claps*
I really enjoyed reading this, well done my good sir!
A great read and only a few minor spelling errors I could see. I felt it flowed naturally and told a great story and fit with the feel of the show. I actually got a few chills now and then despite knowing she would win in the end. Keep up the good work and I hope to see more awesome stories like this.
Oh, wow, this is where this story went. I have to say that of all the stories that have come across my desk for development work or editing, this is one of my favorite concepts, right up there with Black Equinox and a cancelled Discord x When They Cry crossover. You have a real spark for situational comedy, and I can't wait for more.
I read the Drakes' voices as the Vato Bros from Disgaea 3.
Amazing story. If condensed, I think it could be an actual episode!
Wow. This is very different and very pleasantly so!
Cute story, all it required was completely ignoring canon.
And I really don't think Dash would get over it that easily, either. we're talking "drinking heavily to forget" kind of trauma there. She'd either push herself to the breaking point trying to beat "Whisper Wing's" records, or go into a self-destructive downspiral.
Review for “Kratos’ Krew”
Right! Well… This is my first review on FiM:Fiction! I’m going to be thorough and critical, but don’t worry! Constructive criticism only, and if I think a story isn’t worth having read, I never leave a review. So worry not! This fic is solid. Let’s get started then!
This story, as has been noted by previous comments, flowed like an actual episode of the show (as it seems you intended) and in that regard is put together brilliantly. The pacing was terrific.
I will say that something I noticed throughout the story (although seemingly less at the later end, possibly due to an increase in dialogue) was that much of the description had an air of “telling” as opposed to “showing” to it. Not the most interesting thing to read. I’ll use an example from the story itself:
Twilight struggled to come up with an idea.
So the problem here is that the sentence is rather passive. It’s simple and concise and readers may have a hard time staying interested with many like it.
Something along the lines of... :
Twilight’s brow furrowed in concentration, the gears of her mind ticking away, but still failing to formulate a plan.
...Might work here. It shows that she is struggling without directly saying it. The reader can more easily visualize the scene. The reader doesn’t need to be told that Twilight is struggling - her furrowed brow is implying that. Actually, one could even take out “furrowed in concentration” entirely and replace it simply with “creased” and get the image across. I spend so much time on this particular point because it is actually very important in writing. But there’s good news! Once you catch yourself doing it, it’s easy to learn the basics necessary to avoid this major writing flaw. Unfortunately, yes, it does take longer to write, and requires quite a bit more imaginative output. But don’t worry! You’ll get it down, and your future stories will be better for it.
The entire concept behind the story itself was a solid one, although I have to admit, I found myself just tiny bit skeptical at the creation of a “Sonic Flowerbloom.” Chalking the physical possibility of creating such a thing up to magic, I still had to worry to myself, “Wouldn’t that throw the entire vegetation of Ponyville out of its natural blooming cycle? If this is right before winter, all those freshly bloomed trees are probably going to freeze to death now…” But I suppose I may very well be looking a bit too much in to that one. (Thorough. What did I say?)
Your drake characters were amusing and your mastery of the Mane 6’s personalities was very good. Dialogue was solid and fit the characters well. The accent you created for the dragons was easily readable, despite “a strange accent” being rather non-descript, we the readers get the idea from how the actual dialogue is written.
With that said, I’m going to move on to some very VERY nitpicky things that I felt were worth noting. Don’t pay them too much heed, as they don’t affect the story in any particularly drastic ways.
Opening with dialogue was actually a bit of a surprise. I tried to scroll up thinking I’d missed a section of the story at first. This isn’t a bad thing, and it works well here. Just interesting to note that isn’t done so incredibly often.
When Fluttershy is herding her animals upstairs in the beginning she says “Everypony” in reference to them. It has been portrayed in the show that ponies say “everyone” typically in reference of something that isn’t a pony. A minor nitpicky note, but it still took me a bit out of the element. Shoot, I'm sure someone might even correct me with an instance in which they do refer to a group of other animals as "everypony" but at the moment nothing is coming to mind.
Typically I try to read these from the perspective of someone who doesn’t know anything about the ponyverse (which can be challenging at times) but in the beginning when mentioning Fluttershy’s “Stare” you may want to elaborate on what exactly it is, as only those who have seen Fluttershy’s “Stare Master” episode would understand.
Below this I’ve separated all of the typos/grammatical errors I happened to notice in case you feel like going back over them for correction. Typos happen! And these don’t count off for the quality of your story. Trust me, I don’t do this to make fun of your typing or be mean or anything. This is just a tool if you ever wish to go back and make edits. They’re very minimal throughout the story and happened at an exponentially lower rate than your typical fanfic.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Rarity shook her head. “They’re off performing in Manehatten this week. Even we got the message to them now, there’s no way they’d be back here in time!””
Forgot an “if” after “even” in the dialogue.
“Twilight, are you out of your mind?!” Rarity shouted, stomping over to her friend and losing her normally self-control. “There’s no way Fluttershy can win this race!”
Take the “ly” off of “normally”.
“Don’t worry about her, Fluttershy,” Applejack patted her friend. “She’s just being Rainbow Dash. She’s upset she can’t race right now She’ll get over it, even if it is over an empty stomach.”
Forgot a period after “now”.
… but Twilight was intently looking for something else. Something that she before back when-
“she before back when” That was a tough one. Not sure what you meant there. I assumed something was missing after “she”.
The bear flew backwards deep into the nearby forest, spinning head over heads from the blow, breaking through several bushes and branches in his path.
Probably “head over heels” would be more appropriate.
“You do know she doesn’t even have last name?” Rainbow Dash muttered under her breath to Pinkie.
“a” last name.
Vance got out before around round of sneezes shook his body, causing him to double over. Twilight landed gracefully on the ground, and waited for the drake to regain his breath.
“another” round, as opposed to “around round”.
… politely declines but recommends her best friend, Rainbow Dash, as an alternate.” Flutterhsy said, a smug smile on her face.
Name typo for Fluttershy.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
And that’s it! A solid fic. I liked it because it stays true to the proper personalities of each pony and explored an interesting, not typically thought of side of Fluttershy that we don't see too often.
!
I enjoyed reading and hope to see more from you in the future!
Keep that showing rule in mind, and happy writing
@Ninjacolt - I've absolutely no problem with criticism, since it only helps to makes things better.
I will say that the route this story had to EQD was a strange one - before posting, I had sought Ponychan TG input (which you can see that Eustatian Wings above was part of) for a preliminary check, plus some friends to read through. Of course that's not going to catch 100% of the issues, but I felt satisfied that I had most of them under control before submitting there, simultaneously posting at FIMFic. While waiting for EQD I did continue to review the work here and caught a few small things.
As some probably know, the EQD blog runners forward such things to the pre-readers, and then forward pre-reader comments to the writer, and with the volume of work, things can get lost. I hadn't heard anything on this story for about four weeks, having been told at 2 weeks that the pre-reader queue was long (I could believe it). Then when I saw new stories hitting EQD (ones based on the Wedding episodes which aired after I submitted this) I started checking around, and learned from the "ask pre-readers" thread that this had been accepted pending a small number of edits (most likely the typos and nitpicks that NinjaColt and Resda picked up) , and the pre-readers would lean on the EQD bloggers to get me those comments. But then the only thing I got a few days ago was "this story's in the publication queue now" but none of the comments. So basically, this got lost temporary through the cracks and in the haste to fix that up, some of the recommended fixes never got to me.
So yes, any critiques on the technical aspects of the writing are appreciated.
At least, as I understand it, this has prompted the pre-readers to get their improved system up and running sooner than later, as to avoid the disconnect in communication that can happen with the EQD blogrunners due to volume of posts/email.
The inner fluttershy fan in me says
Wow, all it needs is the into song and the show credits inserted and it becomes an actual episode
Hee, I can see this being an episode in the series.
But, I feel I must deal with these bothersome drakes... permanently... >:3
*lops their heads off with his enchanted blade! But Fluttershy sees the carnage and is left mentally traumatized.*
I did try to write the drakes as reusable characters - sufficiently physically strong and intelligent but incredibly insufferable.
I have considered potential sequels on that aspect, but haven't gotten anything close yet.
I KNEW IT!
Even in canon, there's actually a scene that proves 'Shy has a lot more power than Dash, namely the balloon chase scene in the Discord episode. Dash is weighed down by Pinkie and Rarity, whereas 'Shy is dragging Twi, AJ, AND a big hot air balloon. Despite the imbalance being decisively in Dashie's favor, it's Fluttershy who catches up. The show implies Dashie's giving it all she's got. Thus Fluttershy is definitively the strongest flier.
However, there may be an explanation still. Maybe RD is carrying more weight than it would seem, since Pinkie Pie may be made of dark matter. But the see-saw scene from Applebuck Season ALSO implies AJ is made of dark matter, thus RD and 'Shy are once again on an even field.
Yay
for overanalysis!
Hmmm... yeah I know that Fluttershy had more potential as a flyer, and her performance issues where crippling, but even so. I just don't see her practicing enough in order fly fast enough to break the sound barrier.
And to be faster than Dash? I'm sorry. But that's impossible.
Rainbow Dash's special talent is Speed. Okay, I guess you could interpret it as flying ability in general, but speed has always been her thing above everything else. For Fluttershy whose special talent is caring for animals, nothing flight related at all. I'm sorry, but that takes away all the realism and impact of your story.
Rainbow Dash will always be a better flyer than Fluttershy in every aspect.
How very neutral good of you, Twilight. I'm surprised the drakes took that as fair.
Great story. Also:
If she didn't crash and break her wings in the opening of the show once, I would have totally called you out for making her into a clumsy flier.
Sheesh,jealous much....😓
Despite only finding this just now, I REALLY LOVE A LOT OF things within this. The story telling is excellent and you really get engaged and hooked on those 16k words. They pass by in a way that really has you feeling fulfilled and amazed at everything that occurs within this. The story, the setting, the interactions with all the ponies. It's so natural, real and lovable <3 Has to be one of my favorites
Very exciting! The race was fun and the support Fluttershy's friends gave her (even jealous Dash) was heatwaming.