The Life of a Wanted Changeling (Comment Driven Story)

by Down with Chrysalis

[FIXED] Episode 62: This Bug Is On Fire!!!

Celestia is about to pull off your mask when "WAIT!!!" you look over to se Fluttershy "I uh... just thought... maybe should uh..." she trails off... But you get an idea.
Celestia says(something smart, witty, and something that is very close to how you are) then she takes off your hood (but! before they take off your hood you change you appearance but it's covered up by your hoods magic so they don't know) You look like... (you decide!)

Celestia's witty remark: You're an unlucky, senile cake thief who have a disfigured head with a tendency of foolish behavior compared to that of a dumb hobo!
Response: W-well, I was doing you a favor! The cake goes down your big flank!
Cue gasps and angry glares, and nervous chuckles from you.
Er, and it's nice- You know what? I'm not digging myself any deeper.

"CURSE YOUR BLOODY EXISTENCE LADY LUCK, WHEN I GET MY HO*zap*"

Your angry outburst and your cursing of lady luck ends when Twilight zaps you with a magic blast to the head. You glare at her and are about to continue your cursing of lady luck, when Twilight gives you a look that said "just that try again and there will be pain". To back up her threatening glare, she charges up her horn, which starts to give off a painful looking purple glow. You gulp in fear and you decide that you can rant about your hatred of lady luck later. Celestia gives a thankful nod towards Twilight before she turns to you (still levitating upside down due to her magical hold) and says in a calm voice...

"Now, let's see who the monster under the hood looks like. I imagine you look like an unlucky cake thief who has a disfigured head and hooves with a tendency of foolish behavior."

The mares look at each other (especially Twilight) in confusion as you glare at Celestia and say,

"Oh yeah, well I was doing you a favor, anypony tell you that cakes go straight to your thighs. And from what I can see, you were eating too many of them! I mean look at the size of... that... thing..."

You slowly stop your taunting as fear takes over you. There are multiple gasp throughout the crowd, as well as alot of angry glares. But that's not what's scaring you. It's the fact that Celestia has the same kind smile on, but there is a gleam in her eyes and if looks could kill, you would be ash and six feet under by now. Celestia then says in a seemingly pleasant tone that still has anger underneath it,

"What. Did you say?"

You chuckle nervously before saying as fast as possible,

"I uh, said that you had a very beautiful and not at all large flanks. I mean not as good as Fluttershy's but, uh... ah buck it, I already dug my grave, I ain't digging it any deeper."

She just continues to stare intently at you as Fluttershy blushes. You just gulp and think,

And now I know why my grand buggy always said not to insult a mare.

!$#$#%, never, and I mean never! Insult a mare if you value your life. Tartarus hath no fury like an enraged mare as when a mare is angered, she will get the strength of a hundred stallions. And she will hunt you down, and she. Will. Kill. You. Now help me blockade this door before the bugs from the gentlebug's club find me*crash* AHHHHH RUN BUGZE RUNNNNN!!!

You never thought a changeling's body could even bend like that. And lets just say you never disrespected a mare ever again (until recently due to reasons *cough*Applejack&Rainbow*cough*. With that thought in mind, you can only watch as Celestia starts to slowly to remove your hood. You begin to panic, but you don't know why considering the fact that Twilight and the mares already know that you're a changeling. Maybe you're freaking out because you're about to be exposed by the princess of the sun. But, it's most likely due to the fact that if you, The Hooded Offender, gets outed as a changeling, then more anti-changeling spells would be used to harm you, and you really don't want that to happen. Having normal spells and attacks launched at you is one thing, but spells and attacks made to specifically harm you, no thanks. With that thought in mind, you begin to beg your brain for help.

I need to think of something and fast! Come on brain! I know we never got along well in the past. But for both our sakes, please, please think something up! I'm to young to die. I have a daughter and everything, so please brain, think of something...

...

Nope, I got nothing...WHY!?!? I had so many plans in life. I was gonna meet up with Cadance at the Gala...somehow. I was gonna open a big book and game store in Appleloosa. I was gonna marry Sally and live my life on the farm...wait what?

As you're wondering who this Sally pony is and where you got such a strange thought, you don't notice Fluttershy take a really deep breath. The next thing you know, you hear the loudest "WAIT!" ever. You swear the scream could wake up a statue. You (and everyling who knows her) look over to Fluttershy and you can't help but think,

For a shy mare who doesn't talk above a whisper half the time, she sure does have a mighty pair of lungs.

Fluttershy starts to shrink away from the sudden attention, and Twilight asks, "What is it Fluttershy?"

Fluttershy starts to shift around nervously before she tries to speak,

"I was... um... you see... ummmm."

While they're distracted with Fluttershy, you get a great idea.

You transform into Flash Sentry before your hood is ripped off. Every pony gasps, but Twilight snorts. "I'm not falling for that! You aren't a pony!"
"Wait!" you shout. "I am a pony! Flash Sentry, one of the Royal Guard."
"Then what are you sneaking around for?!" Twilight demands.
You look guiltily at Princess Celestia. "Our entire unit was captured by the Hooded Offender. I'm sorry we failed you, Your Highness, but I was able to escape and search for help. I... didn't exactly want this known publicly."
Rainbow Dash buts in. "The Offender is a wimp! How did he take out an entire unit of guards?"
"He has minions now! Diamond Dogs!"
Every pony gasps again, and Rarity stamps a hoof. "Then we must go help your fellows! Lead the way!"
"Hold on," Twilight says, "this still doesn't make sense. Why does the Offender have minions?"
You've asked yourself that question since you first got them. Here's hoping your evil geniusness finally shines through... "They, uh, they're searching for a diamond! Y-Yeah, the Offender is ticked that he didn't get any money out of Appleloo or whatever he said, and he thinks this diamond is worth more than the combined incomes of," you sit upright, shifting your voice to a robotic monotone, "[Insert subject hometown here.]"
Twilight sighs and facehoofs. "Portal? You're a gamer, too? Please, some pony, spare me..."
Princess Celestia nods her head. "I believe him. Show us the way, Flash Sentry, and we will free your brothers in arms."
You blanch. "Y-You're going too? I thought the six of them-"
"WHAT?!" Rainbow screams. "The six of us? You weren't coming?!"
"The Offender... he... uh, he questioned me. With vise-grips."
Another round of every pony gasping. This time in disgust, sympathy, and awe that you are still standing.
Princess Celestia regains her composure, and says, "You will stay beside me during the battle, then. We will discuss further strategy on the way there."
Rainbow laughs. "What strategy? AJ and I could clear the whole cave out in one charge! Right Applejack?"
And so your journey back to your minions begins, listening to all the horrible things every pony has planned for you...

You quickly use your changeling disguise magic while the ponies are distracted by Fluttershy.

Hopefully everything will go according to plan. That way, I won't have to use... that.

With that thought in mind you clear your throat to get the ponies attention back onto you. Celestia just snorts in annoyance before she rips your hood off. Every pony gasps as not a changeling, but Flash Sentry was under the hood. Twilight snorts,

"I'm not falling for that! You aren't a pony!"

With that said she begins to charge up a very painful looking blast as Celestia looks at her with a slightly puzzled look. Thinking quickly you shout out in a panicked tone,

"Wait, don't shoot! I am a pony! Flash Sentry, one of the Royal Guard."

Twilight calms down and powers down her attack, but she then gets in your face and asks in a demanding tone,

"Then what are you sneaking around for, and why did you insult the princess?!"

You look guiltily at Princess Celestia and say,

"Our entire unit was captured by the Hooded Offender. I'm sorry we failed you, Your Highness, but I was able to escape and search for help. I... didn't exactly want this known publicly. And as for the insulting part, well, ummmm, I was under mind contorl?"

You say that last part as more of a question. They seem to buy that and Celestia is about to say something, when Rainbow Dash butts in,

"The Offender is a wimp! How did he take out an entire unit of guards?"

You growl at that, but luckily noling notices. You clear your throat and say,

"He has minions now! Diamond Dogs!"

Everypony gasps again, and Rarity stamps a hoof.

"Then we must go help your fellows! Lead the way!"

Everyling nods their head and are about to head off as Celestia gently puts you down and releases her magical grasp on you, when Twilight says,

"Hold on, this still doesn't make sense. Why does the Offender have minions?"

You've asked yourself that question since you first got them. Here's hoping your evil geniusness finally shines through...
"They, uh, they're searching for a diamond! Y-Yeah, the Offender is ticked that he didn't get any money out of Appleloo or whatever he said, and he thinks this diamond is worth more than the combined incomes of," you sit upright, shifting your voice to a robotic monotone, "[Insert subject hometown here.]"

Twilight asks,

"Portal? You're a gamer, too?"

Princess Celestia nods her head.

"I believe him. Show us the way, Flash Sentry, and we will free your brothers in arms."

You blanch as you realize that was not a good idea... for you at least.

"Y-You're going too? I thought the six of them-"

"WHAT?!" Rainbow yells causing you to hold your ears in pain.

"The six of us? You weren't coming?!"

You give a fake gulp and say,

"The Offender... he... uh, he interrogated me. (*You hang your head low and shamefully for effect*)With vise-grips."

Another round of every pony gasping. This time in disgust, sympathy, and awe that you are still standing.

Princess Celestia regains her composure, and says,

"You will stay beside me during the battle, then. We will discuss further strategy on the way there."

"What strategy? Applejack and I could clear the whole cave out in one charge! Right Applejack?" Rainbow Dash laughs.

"By the way, where is everli- I mean pony?" you ask as you notice the whole town seems to be empty except for the mares, two Royal Guard pegasus, and Princess Celestia.

"Due to a series of thefts, most likely caused by the Hooded Offender and his minions, I had the Mayor tell everypony to stay inside. Now let us depart."

As you're all about to head out, Applejack suddenly says something that makes your blood to run cold.

"Twi... I want ya'll to cast that changeling detection spell on me."

Twilight gives her a surprised look, before she asks,

"Why Applejack? There's no reason to use it now."

By now you had put your hood back on and you were slowly walking towards a alleyway.

Hopefully I can get there and teleport to the cave before anyling notices m-

"Hey Flashy, were are you going?" You slowly turn around to see Pinkie looking at you with a confused expression.

You are about to lie your way out of this (why is it that you feel bad to lie, yet your a changeling, a creature born to lie, Oh the irony), when you hear Applejack scream,

"DON'T LET THAT VARMINT GET AWAY, HE'S A CHANGELING!"

You sigh in defeat as your disguise drops right then.

If only that spell lasted a few more minutes, I could have bluffed my way out and had been home free.

You think to yourself in annoyance. You take a deep breath before you shout...

"LOOK A DISTA*PUNCH*"

You're stopped mid-sentence by Pinkie sucker-punching you. You look to see the angry look on Pinkies face, which causes you to freeze in fright as she says,

"That was for taking 40 cakes while nopony was looking! 40 Cakes! That's as many as four tens! And that's terrible! I SHOULD BAKE YOU INTO A CUPCAKE FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST PASTRY-KIND!"

"Pinkie, that sounds like the plot to bad fanfiction." Twilight says as you're so frozen in fear that you can't help but get captured in Celestia's yellow aura again, When she makes you face her you can't help but say,

"Curses, foiled again."

"You're a changeling?" Celestia asks in confusion.

The mares give each other confused looks as Applejack says,

"Ya didn't know this varmint's ah changeling? Twilight told us ya'll already knew."

Celestia gives a nervously chuckling Twilight a glare that says "We are going to discuss this later" before she turns to you and says in a dangerously serious tone,

"Where. Are. My. Little. Ponies?"

You then just can't help but sigh at the fact that you have to use that plan. You say to her in your villain voice,

"You want your colt-toys back that badly? Fine."

With that, you take a deep breath and scream...

Cue accusations/threats/execution ideas from the ponies before Celestia demands where are her little ponies and you remember the work you did back at the cave. Maybe it's time to reveal what that work was... (maybe something involving hostages?)

RELEASE THE KRAGLE!

Celestia calls you a monster for what you're doing to the Royal Guardponies, but you respond "At least I don't let my sister go around hanging foals." She gives her response before putting you down.

"RELEASE THE KRAGLE!"

The ponies all ready themselves for something to happen and...

...

Nothing happens. You sigh in annoyance and decide to give it another try,

"I SAID... CODE-PHRASE: 'RELEASE THE KRAGLE'! NOW!!! COME ON YOU MUTTS! WE WENT OVER THIS A DOZEN TIMES!!!" You yell in the RCV.

...

Once again, nothing happens as the ponies now start to show confusion. Pinkie breaks the silence by asking,

"What's a 'kragle'."

Seeing as she's not smiling at you like a sadist, you decide to answer her question.

"Uh... You'll see." you respond.

SEVEN MINUTES LATER...

Seven minutes later and still the diamond dogs haven't arrived. It's gotten so boring that you, Celestia, and Twilight had start to play a game of go fish (Twilight had some cards on her for some reason). So far it's a tie with you and Celestia with eighteen match, while Twilight only had three. You're about to ask Celestia if she had the card you had, when Rainbow flies between all of you, causing the cards to scatter. You look at her and yell in annoyance,

"Hey, we were playing a game here if you couldn't notice!" Rainbow just sticks her tongue out at you before saying,

"Ugh, so boring. When is something gonna happen?"

You are about to say how impatient she is, when Applejack says,

"Ah say this here varmint is just stallin. We should just get a rope and hang him high!"

Your face turns as white as a ghost under your hood and you gulp in fear, and you don't notice the shocked and angry look Celestia has on her face when Applejack said that. Suddenly, before anypony can respond, a bunch of figures burst out of the ground. The Horde are all wearing purple hooded cloaks (think Ravens form Teen Titans) with this symbol (you really like that symbol for some odd reason) on their backs and carrying spears. In between them, the Royal Guardponies are tied up and have muzzles/collars made out of scrap metal and duct tape.

"Took ya long enough." you comment.

Celestia readies to charge up a spell, but you quickly say in your villain voice,

"Not so fast, solar-flank! You see those things around the necks and muzzles of 'your little ponies'?"

Celestia hesitates as you continue,

"In addition to my Diamond Dogs minions holding the very pointy spears, those are devices of my own design. They have been built and magically reinforced so that if you try to take them off, if my heart stops beating, or even when I give the signal..."

You give a wave of your hoof which signals Rover to take the muzzle off of the squirming/panicking and a very beaten up Second Lieutenant Strong Head (you had the foresight to jam a rock into Strong Head's mouth as an extra gag) which causes the collar to make a whirling click noise and start ticking.

"In 7 seconds the devices around their necks will constrict so fast that their heads will pop off like champagne corks!"

All the ponies gasp in shock and horror as you give another wave of your hoof to make Rover put Strong Head's muzzle back on which causes another whirling click which stops the ticking. What they don't know, is that those devices are just harmless trinkets you built in a cave with duct tape and a box of scraps and this whole thing is just one BIG bluff. As your grandbuggy used to say,

!$#$#%, in any card game, a pair of family jewels beats everything. Never underestimate the power of a good bluff. Now if you might as well fold now cause I totally have a Royal Flush and not just a hoof full of 2's...

You never were able to beat grandbuggy at Poker (or any card game for that matter. Not even Uno)

"Princess, I know EXACTLY how to handle these particular ruffians." Rarity announces before she steps forward and starts... whining?

"You stole my supplies! Those cloaks are so tacky! Standoffs are cliche! Why do we have to be outside? I spent so many bits on the fabric yo-"

"SILENCE!" you command in the RCV.

Tacky? I worked very hard on those cloaks! If anything she's tacky... yeah that works. You think before you say,

"My minions have already enlightened me on their previous encounter with you so I came up with... What was that word? You know... Like a backup plan, but with more letters..."

"Countermeasures?" Twilight comments.

"Yes, countermeasures. Countermeasures inspired by our little encounter on the train. Minions?" you say with a flourish of your hoof which is cue for Fido to remove his hood and turn his head to reveal earplugs.

"Now if you're all finished, are you going to put me down, or am I going to have to start painting this town red with some of your colt-toys?"

Celestia gives you a hateful glare,

"You monster..."

"Hmph, coming from the alicorn who lets her sister run around hanging foals, isn't that the cake calling the pie fattening?" you say in response. The ponies and Celestia look at you in shock before Celestia says,

"I... I have no recollection of what you're talking about."

*snap*

Anger flashes though your mind as your eyes start to glow orange and you say,

"Don't know... DON'T KNOW! YOU WERE THERE WHEN SHE SUGGESTED THE GALLOWS FOR A LITTLE FILLY AND YOU HAVE THE BUCKING BALLS TO SAY YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!"

Celestia shrinks back at your outburst and she lets go of the yellow aura surrounding you. Sadly this causes you to land on your head (you were upside down the whole time). You get up and you glare at Celestia before you calm down and the orange glow disappears. You can also feel the tension in the air from both your outburst at Celestia and the 'hostages'. So with a deep breath you think...

Your plan inevitably goes to Tartarus (possibly due to another Starscream attempt by Spot)

Okay... this is a REALLY tense situation so I need to do something to lighten the mood a bit and let me get away...

"Tell you what, solar-flank, as a show of... courtesy, I'll let one of the colts go."

Strong Head immediately tries to make a break for it, but Fido smacks him down. You give Fido an approving nod before saying,

"I don't recall giving any of you permission to leave."

"Hey! You said you would let them go!" Rainbow Dash protests,

"I said I'll let one of the ponies go. And that pony will be him." you say as you point to Flash Sentry.

Fido goes to cut Flash's limb restraints, but Flash rears back before knocking into Fido with his shoulder, toppling the Diamond Dog. The Horde points their spears at Flash in response.

"HEEL!" you command in the RCV before the situation could get any worse.

What are you doing you idiot? you think in surprised frustration I'm letting you go cause your my friend (okay, not exactly "true friend" but more of an acquaintance/buddy I don't dislike...) so GO!

Flash just shakes his head before nudging the white earth stallion guard pony next to him. You remember that that was the earth pony who had that nursery rhyme book. Based on your (limited) deduction skills (that you more-or-less picked up from reading those Sherclop Holmes stories), you deduced from the nursery rhyme book and the fact that one of the Dig Dogs commented that the guardpony smelt of baby powder (he commented this while putting the device on him) that the stallion must be a recent father.

The white royal guardpony gives Flash a surprised/worried look, but Flash just tilts his snout toward the princess and mares in a "Just go" gesture. The white stallion gives an understanding/thankful nod and starts to move forward and Fido moves to stop him, but you stop Fido with a raise of your hoof and say,

"Let him go instead. If that orange fool wishes to be my guest for longer, so be it."

With that, Fido cuts the limb restraints of the white Earth Guardpony and prods the spear at his flank to make him move forward. The guardpony slowly starts walking forward towards the mares as you walk towards your minions backwards, never taking your eyes off the mares. While everyling in the area is focusing on this tense standoff Spot uses this opportunity for another coup attempt and hurls his spear at you after you pass the guardpony. The spear just misses you and tears off the guardpony's muzzle. You turn to Spot and scream,

"WHO THE HAY TOLD YOU TO START EXECUTING HOSTAGES?! PLUS YOU ALMOST HIT ME YA STUPID MONGREL!!! AND HE HAD A FAMILY TOO, HOW DUMB ARE YOU!!"

Spot begins to tremble as you continue to lecture him. Meanwhile, everypony is reacting in shock as the device on the guardpony's neck starts to make the whirling click noise and starts ticking. The guardpony starts to panic as he immediately and desperately tries to "disarm" the device on his neck as he screams,

"Oh Celestia NO!!! I have two new foals and a loving wife! Somepony please help me, I don't want to die!!!"

The ticking stops and everyone braces themselves for the inevitable fountain of blood...

...

and nothing happens.

Everpony starts to glare at you and the Horde (especially the muzzled hostages starting to glare at the hooded Diamond Dogs) as you and the Horde start to get nervous and uneasy at being surrounded with a failed bluff. In this very unstable situation, you can't help but chuckle nervously before screaming,

"EVERYLING FOR THEMSELVES!!!"

And with that chaos insures, You start running away as the Horde starts to scatter in all directions. The guards break free from their binds thanks to the mares and Celestia and thanks to the stupidity of the Diamond dogs, they managed to grab the spears. And now they are chasing you and the Horde minions and trying to stab you, so you do the only logical thing... scream for your life,

"HOLY SWEET LUNA GET THE HAY AWAY FROM ME. I AM NOT A KABOB INGREDIENT. AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE BECOMING A SWISS CHEESE AT THE MOMENT THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"

You also can't help but think in annoyed anger,

I spend all this time setting up this brilliant plan, and it doesn't even last an hour!

Just as your about to give up on losing them, when you see two things in the corner...

Philomena sets you on fire and Ponyville just makes the fire even worse (cue screams/comments of fiery pain). THEN lady luck cuts you a break as after a understandably long amount of time panicking at the fact that you're on fire, you realize that even though your coat is covered in an inferno, you doesn't feel any burning, aren't suffocating from the flames or heat, and your coat isn't even taking any damage. You then realize the coat is fireproof and may take advantage of the fact that you're now a walking firestorm.

Find staff from Episode 42.

What you see is a featherless red turk-I mean bird on top of a familiar looking black wooden staff with a huge red crystal at the top of it. You can't help but think...

Hey, it's that bird. What was her name... Stellaluna? Philippines? Philomania? And isn't that the staff I used to blast that Ursa Minor- *ding*

You suddenly get a VERY risky idea, but you're in a very tight spot so you quickly dive and grab the featherless bird and the staff with a roll. You quickly shove the staff into The Inventory before you mutter a quick "So sorry little guy" to the bird before holding her in front of you and yelling,

"THIS IS MY MEAT SHIELD! THERE ARE MANY LIKE HER, BUT THIS ONE'S MINE!"

"I thought I was your meat shield!" Rarity whines,

Your eye twitches in anger and you can'r help but shout in annoyance,

"WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE?!"

You see all the ponies glaring at you with looks of shock and anger. The Horde have all hidden by the looks of it and the guards are aiming their spears at you.

You then think to yourself,

Okay... my minions are disorganized, scattered, and hidden, I'm surrounded by hostile ponies led by a sun goddess, and I'm currently using said sun goddess' pet as a hostage... If I don't think of something else soon...

You look around for a potential exit and when you see Princess Celestia she's... smirking?

Wait a minute... Isn't she worried for the safety of her pet? It's her stinking PET for crying out lou-

From this day forward, you would never be able to look at a bird without shivering in terror.

*foosh*"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

You scream as the bird in your hooves suddenly bursts into flames setting the forearms of your coat on fire and you do what any sane changeling would do...

You blindly run around with your hooves in front of you in a panic.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Fiiiireeeeeeeee! Get it off me! Getitoffme!"

"HOODY!!!" Fluttershy screams, "Somepony do something! Please!"

The others give her weird looks, but you don't care at the moment as you are currently ON FIRE!

"Fiyah! Fiyah! Fiyah!"

"I can't get focused on him. He's running around too much." Celestia responds.

Wait, why would she want to help me? You would have liked to think more about this, but seeing as you are ON FIRE at the moment, you can't really do that.

"Everyling! I am on fire!"

A trio of royal guardponies rush to restrain you *WHACK* but in your panic you barrel right through them and set the crests of their helmets on fire. This causes the guardponies to scatter and start panicking too which forces Celestia to attend to them.

"What have I ever done to deserve this?!" You scream in terror.

Of course Applejack responds,

"Well, there's kicking dirt in Twilight's eyes, using Rarity as a meat sh-"

"THAT WAS RHETORICAL YOU STUPID SPECIES-IST HICK!!!" You scream in annoyance. Applejack gives a huff of annoyance and gives you the stink eye.

"Hmmph. Serves that ruffian right for all he's done." Rarity comments

"This. Bug, is on fire!" (Cue Sapphire Shores suddenly getting an idea for a new song)

Wait...What! Why is she here!?!? You would have thought more on this if, again, you weren't currently ON FIRE!

"Do something! Please!" Fluttershy begs Rarity.

"I. Am. On. FIRE!" You scream again in pure terror as you are running around like a headless chicken.

"Fine, but only because you asked me to dear. Oh, Mr on-fire Hooded Ruffian?"

"WHAT?!" you scream while still running around with your flaming hooves in front of you.

"If you would kindly come over here, I'll put that fire out."

Normally you would suspect a trap, but since you're on fire you just run over to her in desperation. You stop in front of her and state,

"I appear to have burst into flames."

You hear Flash snicker at your reference, but Rarity just rolls her eyes, pulls out a fan, and says,

"Just hold still and I'll blow the flames out with this fan-" *foosh* "Oops."

Unfortunately, Rarity's fanning causes the flames to get bigger and engulf your whole arms.

"OOPS, YOU CALL THIS A BUCKING OOPS YOU TACKY EXCUSE FOR A FASHIONISTA?!!!" You scream again.

Rarity gives an insulted "Why I never..." as you go back to doing what you did before,

"The burning! THE BURNING!"

"Don't worry Offender! I'll put out that nasty fire with my party cannon!"

"PINKIE, NO!" all the mares scream too late as she fires the party cannon *foosh* and the confetti and streamers just feed the flames making them larger,

"WHYYYYYYY?!!! WHY MUST IT BE ME THAT YOU TORTURE LADY LUCK. WHY CAN'T IT BE HER!" You point at Rainbow when you yell this and she yells "Hey!"

Everyling looks at Pinkie in annoyance and/or anger and she responds,

"What? Not enough confetti- *WHACK* oof!"

You unwittingly knock into Pinkie as you continue your fiery panic and the mares quickly rush over to see if the party pony is okay (a panicking running torch did just slam into her over),

"My flesh! It BURNS!!!"

You finally get the idea to jump into the fountain. Unfortunately Spot saw another coup opportunity, so while you we're panicking, he stole some lighter fluid and poured it into the fountain so when you jumped in...

*FOOSH*

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world! What a world!"

"YES!" Spot screams triumphantly with the empty bottle of lighter fluid in paw. "I slayed master! That make me new alpha!"

He tears off his cloak and throws it into the inferno fountain before commanding,

"Dogs, to me!"

The Diamond Dogs look at each other and shrug before coming out of their hiding places, tear off their cloaks as they head towards Spot before rolling on their backs in submissive recognition of the new alpha.

"YOU DID THIS?!!!"

Spot turns around and recoils in fear when he sees Fluttershy giving him "The Stare".

Meanwhile, you close your eyes as you wait for the flames to consume you...

And wait...

And wait...

And wait...

Why aren't I melting right now. I'm a literal walking inferno. So... Why am I not feeling any pain?

You open your eyes to see that the flames are still on you and the fountain is a big inferno, not only do you not feel any pain, but the flames aren't disintegrating your coat.

Huh, go figure. My awesome cloak is fireproof.

You look out to Ponyville and see one of your cloaks in front of you and your former minions submitting to Spot. It doesn't take long for you to put 2 and 2 together before you get a wicked idea...

Cue Hooded Offender pretending to be a flaming maniac to scare The traitorous Horde (that immediately went to Spot when Hooded Offender was on fire) into surrendering to Celestia and even get some petty revenge on Rainbow and Applejack by trying to give them a "group hug" and chasing them around town

You start to chuckle slowly as you walk out of the inferno, but it soon turns to insane laughter

"ahhhahahahahahahahMWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!"

This grabs the attention of all the ponies and the Horde and they start to back away from you in fear. You have a wicked grin on your face as you stop laughing. You slowly turn over to the ponies and say in a insane tone

"Oh ponies... You know how you're always going on about 'love and tolerance'? How about we put that into practice, WITH A GROUP HUG! AHAHHAHAHAHH!"

With that, you charge at them and, considering you're a running firestorm, they scream before they start to scatter and run away. As you switch between ponies to chase after, you start to shout insane things at them like,

"No need to run ya fillyfooler! I'm just a FIRESTORM! I thought storms were the specialty of pegasus!"
"Hey AppleJACK! How bout we rename you AppleCRISP!"
"Let's see how you like being the fire of a party you pink psycho!"
"Oh Rarity! Don't ya know? Flames are IN this season!"
"Flash! How about we make that name LITERAL!"
"Twilight! Let's make you sparkle like a lousy excuse for a vampire, WITH FIRE!!!"
"Fluttershy... Don't worry sweetie, you're cool so you have nothing to fear from m- I SEE YOU RIGHT THERE STRONG HEAD!!!"

Yeah, you are having WAY too much fun with this...

"EX-MASTER IS MAD!!! DOGS! FLEE!!!" Rover screams before Spot interrupts,

"Hey! Me alpha now! I give orders!"

"Don't run, it's just little FIERY DEATH!!!" You scream as you chase after a pair of guardponies and run past the dogs,

"...DOGS! FLEE!!!" Spot screams and the ex-Horde all run for the forest when you suddenly teleport in front of them,

"Hey there my 'loyal' ex-minions. Congratulations on becoming alpha, Spot. How about we celebrate with a barbecue. I was thinking HOT DOGS!!!"

The Diamond Dogs all scream in fear as they run away from you and throw themselves before Princess Celestia (who had finally put out the last on-fire guardpony).

"We surrender Miss giant sun pony! Please protect us from ex-master!"

You can't help but laugh in joy at this (which comes out as insane laughter) and you think happily,

YES, Finally I got rid of those idiotic mutts. They were too much trouble to try and turn good. At least they can't do anything to stupid now.

You spot and start to chase Applejack and Rainbow again, when you notice from the corner of your eye one of the Diamond dogs falling down onto a plank. Now you wouldn't care if it weren't for the fact that the plank had a bucket of water at the end of it, so with the Diamond dog falling on the other end, it sends the water bucket flying... right at you. Now you would have moved if you weren't to busy facehoofing at the dogs action.

I stand corrected, the dogs can still do stupid stuff even while being arrested-

*SPLASH*

You sigh as you are no longer a blazing inferno anymore. But luckily enough for you, not only are most of the mares nowhere in sight and Celestia's attention is currently on the Diamond Dogs, but you're also in front of the entrance to Ponyville. The downside... all the guards are blocking the way, with Second Lieutenant Strong Head being in front of all them with a scowl on his face. You laugh nervously and ask,

"Hehehe is there any way that you would just let me pass?"

Strong Head just spits on the ground and yells,

"CHARGE!"

You sigh in annoyance and you begin to panic, before you remember one of your abilities you have, which causes you to smirk and...

You use the last of your strength to issue one final FUS RO DAH! to escape. You can literally hear a choir in the background after you scream.
Poops a sword, Praise the Lord
F***ing cool, Oh my God.
Me gusta those potatoes
are gooooooooooood
'cause they're top end foods stringed on my buuuuuuuttery fooooork...
Come to think of it, you never understood those lyrics...

You hear choir as you charge up your voice...

Poops a sword, Praise the Lord
F***ing cool, Oh my God.
Me gusta those potatoes
are gooooooooooood
'cause they're top end foods stringed on my buuuuuuuttery fooooork...

I never quite understood those lyrics you think before shouting,

"FUS RO DAH!"

The shout works and it sends the guards flying, and you can't help but cringe when Strong Head lands in what looks like a bath house. You cringed even more from the screams of terror, pain, and "a peeping tom!" As you deduce that he landed on the mare's side. You shake your head before you run for the entrance, and you can't help but stop and turn around and yell out to Celestia (who's overseeing Twilight and Flash arresting the Diamond Dogs)

"Sorry solar-flank, but you will always remember this day, as the day you almost captured The Hooded Offender! HOODED OFFENDER, AWAY!"

And with that, you turn and start running for a few moments before you say to yourself,

"Wait, why am I running when I could teleport?"

With a roll of your eyes, you teleport away (just in time too as Flash was just about to tackle you *SLAM* but slams into the ground instead)

A SECOND LATER

You teleport into the cave, but unfortunately you appeared a few yards (or meters) into the air before falling and landing on the small pile of gems.
"OWWW!!!"

As you get up and brush some of the gems off of you, you sigh in relief as you look around the cave.

Well, I'm finally free of those minions, I have a temporary shelter (at least until those dogs lead the ponies here), I've seem to run into a bit of money, and this "Grand Galloping Gala" thing is in a few days. Gotta prepare for that...

You give a confident smirk as you look at the gems and say to yourself,

"I got a Gala to crash..."

What do you do?

Author's Note:

I"M ALIVE!!!!!

Hey Hive Mind, DWC here...

Kersey I need you here now!?!? Forever is literally trying to rip the reactor out of it's socket, and if that happens then London gonna be a crater if she pulls it out. So hurry up and get here!!! WE can worry about Magus after we deal with Forever!

The best reactions from last chapters ending was...

Poor bugze is in hot water

and

And as for my reaction, it goes something like this, he's F*buy some apples*ked,

and

"Gotcha."
Oh. Sheeeeeeeeyut.

Congrats to Featherswift the epic, Storm Cloud 6000, and Midnight Blink respectfully for their funny reactions.

No question today, but instead a Author fun fact, and the fun fact is...

This is my first ever story!

I have never written a fan fiction before this one, so this is my very first story. Tell me your reactions in the comments, BYE!

Comments

[Kersey475]

4810948
Look again...

[Grey Rebl]

Ever since that one day, headlines of the Hooded Offender spread all across Equestria of how he faced the Elements of Harmony, defeated the idoled Royal Guard, freely insulted the Sun Princess herself! And got away with it... although, not unscathed.

Celestia's pet Phoenix swooped in and punished him by fire. The Phoenix was famous of a myth that her flames could burn away all impurities; darkness, injury, illness, ect. Many eyewitnesses say that the flames didn't purify his tainted soul, instead it only revealed that his soul was anything but pure, marking the disbelief of the words the Hooded Offender said about a filly on the verge of execution by the Princess' hooves, and thus began the speculation of his sudden decent into madness, for he apparently had no soul.

In turn of such speculations, a new name has been added to the mystery of this hooded offender under the possibility that he will end the 1000 year long peace that pony kind had worded so hard to maintain. The future is bleak as the new popular name for him is now Satan.

Celestia help us all, for the question must be asked: Are we ready? Ready for innocent souls be tarnished, for metal blades be drawn and for blood to be shed? Considering how long it's been taking for this evil to be captured, there had been a question of faith.

Many abhor and feared the thought of what evil could possibly be conceived inside the mind of such a dastardly living being...

==================================

"Ooh! Shiny!" was the first thought that came to your head, but you noticed how unnatural it is for there to be a pile of gems. Unless you are sitting on dragon horde. Remembering the last Time you had a dragons "scuffle", you deeply consider being dragon proof after you miraculously survive. Somehow. Again.

Also, grab some gems before or during your inevitable epic chase and of cursing Lady Luck. Never know it can be useful. Sell for money, create some sort of magical property into it... Take a note: Maybe get yourself into enchantment later.

...You know what? You had a day. You got set on fire, had to deal with the most incompetent minions of all time (although they are pretty decent dumb muscle), and you nearly got caught, which nearly caused being beaten to an inch of death. No dragon will stop you from having your own day with no strings attached for ONCE! Bring out that staff, put on your hood, and ensue the combined badassery of Magics and Martial Arts as you perform a KAMEHAMEHA out of pure will and emotion! Because fuck you need to spend time with your daughter instead of getting involved with so much trouble.

(You know, I wonder how long Bugze will run out of fucks to give, and becomes some sort of hard-to-impress wise man where he had "seen it all".

Also, lately I've been making longwinded passages and summaries in certain fanfics. I'm probably going through some sort of depressing stage where poetry becomes the opening of a frickin' apparent conundrum that it's my brain's way of exercising. Don't question it if this comes up more often.)

[Fireheart 1945]

4814941 LOL!

Aw wow, that was funny, though I'm pissed at Twilight for zapping him when he tried to curse his luck; why would she do that?

[BlueWolf Convel]

[Kersey475]

4747070
4756257
4754875
4759155

Guess who's back...

[ramseymac]

You sit in the cave for a while trying to think of something.
...
...
...
After several hours, you come up with nothing!
You look at the floor in shame before noticing something weird about the floor.
you brush away the dirt and find a mysterious metal hatch. You open it, releasing a fowl smell, and climb down into a dark space, and the door closes behind you, leaving you in complete darkness.
You fumble around in the darkness until you hit something and the lights turn on.
Then the rock above it starts crumbling and the thing rises into the air, everyone in ponyville sees this:
1.bp.blogspot.com/-cLlmhFANq1s/TgfH6TG5dAI/AAAAAAAAAWc/y0d53FB1Xgk/s1600/waroftheworlds.png
you try to pilot it, but immediately falls over. He then gets it to stumble up to ponyville. After that, Nightshade pilots it and is amazingly good at driving it. She can even abduct ponies and shoot lasers with it.
It seems little nightshade is a born alien invader.

[TheNomad]

4815351 You are walking though the streets of canterlot when you see a white stallion with a blond mane, he is picking on a mare and you step in betting him up and saving the mare(some how) you read his mind and get his memories and find out he's going to the gala! so you take his form as a disguise. *You are now blueblood!* (commence you being nice to rarity and every one at the gala, you see cadence and she is like blue blood Y U SO NICE? and your like it's bugzy! But as well every one is like why is blueblood so nice to day he's an asshole! so they find you out, but YOU ARE NICE TO RARITY CELESTIA AND THEM so they're like why was he nice? so they start to think you're not half bad...) :P

[Kersey475]

4815565
We're not going directly to the gala yet. Next chapter is going be a "breather" episode where Bugze is preparing for the Grand Galloping Gala as (in-universe) the GGG is not for a few days.

[Kersey475]

4815152
Simply, she just doesn't like the Hooded Offender.

[TheNomad]

4815583 well at lest you have an idea... I just had to say that it would be AH-some if Bugze ended up as Blueblood like come on Bugze is a nice guy and blueblood's you know... I just think it would be funny is all :P

[APonyReadingFanfics]

Nightshade time!
...maybe she likes gems.. .

[Kersey475]

You realize you haven't slept since the train so you take a nap. You wake up when you hear an incoming patrol so you grab the gems and bail.

Get the gems appraised, they may be worth something (or not).

Give Nightshade a snack (and a "snack" for Nightshade is a full course meal for most stallions)
-FUN FACT: McDonald's in Paris, France are eaten like a full course meal with appetizer, entree, and dessert. Perhaps Nightshade's "snack" will be a large salad appetizer, triple hayburgers with extra-large horseshoe fries as entree, and a milkshake with a dozen cookies for dessert at "The Hay Burger".

Seeing how your disguise spell isn't too reliable (especially since its pretty much a given that everyling knows the Hooded Offender is a changeling) you buy a suit (that looks like this, but you decide to leave behind the helmet in favor of a black neck gaiter and a purple top (or bowler) hat with a yellow cloth) and a small dress (that looks like this) for yourself and Nightshade respectively from a seemingly nice mare with a pink coat and a purple mane. Fortunately for you, she's having a closing sale because she's moving to Manehattan.

The GGG could potentially turn dangerous so buy a few bottles of cheap whisky so you can make them into Molotov Cocktails to add to your "Potion Sash"
"Potion Sash"
-Current Reserve: 4 Healing Potions, [#] Molotov Cocktails

Seeing as how you've probably blown most of your finances by now, you somehow get a ride to Canterlot, but then run into a snag when you find out that entry requires a golden ticket...
----------
I'm on my way DWC!

[Midnight Blink]

Yay. Featured! I can't wait until he crashes the Gala. I will soon post a song that should go along with it...

[forevertheDoctor]

You chuckle evily, still a bit insane.

"I'll crash that stupid, pansy party, find Cadance and convert her to the dark side! I'll...I'll bribe her with cookies! Ha! And cake! LOTS OF CAKE! And then, with the power of a goddess on my side, I'll...I'll..." you laugh harder.

"Ehehehe..."

"I'LL MAKE THEM KNEEL TO ME!"

You laugh even harder, your mind consumed in darkness...and then you choke. Gasping for air, the homicidal maniac part of you melts away, and you struggle to remember what just happened.

[Minds Eye]

Nightshade walks up to you with red and blue dust on her muzzle. "Welcome back, Daddy!"
"What in the world is on your face?"
"I was playing dragon! I was eating gemstones! But my tummy hurts now..."
Oh, the last thing you need right now is a sick child. Maybe Fluttershy can...? No, she'll be going to the Gala too. And you aren't going anywhere near Ponyville for awhile. Well... what can you do for her? Does she have a fever?
"Um... Daddy? Why are you holding a hoof to my head?"
You sigh. "I have no idea." What normal body temperature would a magical filly you can only assume was born from creepy armor inside the magic void of the inventory even have?
"Well, don't worry about me too much. I'm a tough girl! Anyway, the mail came while you were gone."
Wait... "What?"
Sure enough, Nightshade hands you an envelope. "It just popped out of thin air. Can the postal service do that? Are they following you? Isn't that kind of an invasion of privacy?"
You take the envelope and open it. Inside is a letter and a golden ticket.

Dear Bugze,

*sigh*
Yes, I actually wrote the word sigh with asterisks to signify that I am taking an action. That's how baffled I am with you right now.
The Grand Galloping Gala? Really?
You know the princesses are there, right?
And the Royal Guard?
And those six crazy mares?
And that it's the epicenter of the invasion so absolutely no one else will be happy to see you there?
You are screwed.
I don't even know why I'm helping you with this, but you'll need this ticket.
Just... just stay alive. Try.

From,
A Friend

[Stooge3434]

You decide to go adventuring with Nightshade in the cave, after awhile of adventuring you seem to find a old temple door. It seems to be already opened so you diced to go in, you see the traps where already sprung. But you seem to find a mare Pegasus (Daring Doo) bleeding to death by a arrow in the knee. And you think to your self this this seems oddly familiar, you stop thinking and pull the arrow out of her knee and give her one of your health potions. (And now you decide what to do with Bugze.)

[Erised the ink-moth]

When Bugzy was on fire, I thought of that one scene from the Grim adventures of Billy and Mandy where Grim's eye sockets were on fire and Billy kept giving him the wrong things to put it out with, including gasoline and a bucket of acid. (I can't find that clip anywhere!)

Anyways;
You realize that the Gala, being a pompous event attended by lots of prissy nobles and elites, and taking place at Canterlot castle no less, it will have some pretty tight security. You'll need a way around this if you want to have any hope of getting assistance from Cadence.

-You could impersonate a noble and try to blend in. (I really like TheNomad's idea here)
-You could use stealth, and Sam Fisher your way in. These ponies can't stop the stealth tactics from all of your games... can they?
-Or you could do a bit of both:
"I say, Who is that bumbling buffoon that just fell into the punchbowl?"
Bugzy, in disguise and wearing a formal black suit: "The name's Bond... Flames Bond."

[Hard Cider]

You can't disguise yourself since you disguise spell is unreliable most of the time. Maybe there were some changeling in ponyville that could help improve you transformation spell before the gala.

[Storm Cloud 6000]

What is the thing with London and craters? And....my reaction was mentioned :D

[Nox Knock Jokes]

So he's a good guy but evil? I'm confused by all this.

[jack the reaper]

Spahy round here that is on fire

Tf2 lel