[FIXED] Episode 60: Interrogation Scene.
The unicorn in front of you finally wakes up from his 'nap'. He looks around confused and you are just about to say something, when he suddenly begins screaming,
"WHERE IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA AM I!? WHO IN THE BLOODY TARTARUS ARE YOU!? WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I JUST PEED MYSELF!? WHERE ARE DOES SPINELESS RECRUITS AND WHY AM I TIED UP!? IF YOU DON'T LET ME GO THEN SO HELP ME I'M GON-"
Ask politely using How to be A Gentle Colt 101
While the leader was ranting, you decided to quickly skim the "Affable Interrogations" chapter in How to be a Gentle Colt 101 book. When you were finished skimming and thought you let the unicorn rant long enough, you commanded in the Royal Canterlot Voice,
"SILENCE"
The leader finally shuts his yapper and looks at you in surprise, and you decide to speak in your evil voice before he got the chance to start yelling again.
"Second Lieutenant Strong Head, was it? I assure you that I have no desire nor inclination for inflicting harm most foul on your person or subordinates that my underlings forthwith have in their confinement, so I kindly implore you to disclose any beneficially enlightening information. Capiche?"
Strong Head gives you a blank stare before you roll your eyes and respond,
"Look, you listen and listen good. My minions, The Horde, have captured you and your stallions. Your soldiers' lives are either forfeit or not depending on what answers I get from you. Are we clear? Oh, and my minions took the liberty of locking up your horn so resistance is futile."
The old stallion looks up at his locked down horn and then just glares at you before saying,
"So what if those failures die, it would be worth the sacrifice as long as you don't get any information."
You look at the leader in shock and disgust and think,
What kind of solider would willingly let his men die just to keep someling from getting answers. That's just....sick.
You put on your serious face before you begin the... interrogation!
You try to interrogate the leader (Second Lieutenant Strong Head), but you quickly find that he's an insufferably arrogant pompous unicorn (think a bit of Zapp Brannigan from Futurama) and end up ordering the Horde to whack him on the head whenever he says something stupid (you give the minions free rein to decide what counts as "stupid") Some examples of things he may say:
And you get no new information at all. Whenever you ask him a question, he would just avoid the answer and say something stupid like:
"Dead stallions tell no tale"
"I don't talk to scum who won't even show their faces!"
"They're as good as dead, I ain't telling you nothing!"
You're just getting a headache from it all and are half-tempted to just throw him into the pit for a few hours and then ask him your questions, but you go against that idea,
Knowing my luck, he's probably a Humany or something like that. You think in annoyance
After another failed attempt to get some answers ("You'll never get me to talk! Never! NEVER!") you give another annoyed sigh... *ding*
Getting a semblance of an idea, you have your minions steal sewing supplies, scrap metal, and earplugs from Ponyville.
Before you get not one, but two ideas! You look over to the Diamond dogs and yell,
"Spot, Rover, Fido! Get over here!"
The dogs immediately listen to your command and they rush over to you (and for some odd reason, Spot now has a black eye, and you have no idea as to where it came from). They both salute before saying at the same time, "Master, yes Master!"
You nod your head before pointing at the leader and saying,
"Rover, take some Dig Dogs into Ponyville and grab some sewing supplies, cloth, scrap metal, and earplugs. And don't get caught!"
Rover gives a salute, "Master yes Master" before running off to complete your orders. You then turn to the two remaining Dogs and say,
"From now on, whenever you think he's saying something stupid, I want you to give him a good old smack, okay?"
They both nod their head before they position themselves behind the unicorn. You then begin to restart your questioning...
-How many Royal Guards are left in Ponyville? ("You'll never get me to say the Princess only has two Pegasus Royal Guards left in Ponyville!")
-Where is Princess Cadance?
-Why does Princess Luna want to kill Nightshade?
-Why did you (Strong Head) keep his squad from retreating? (Strong Head is a pompous arrogant stubborn officer who believes that lesser ranks must ALWAYS blindly follow orders even if the orders are immoral, illegal, or even just stupid)
-Something regarding the Grand Galloping Gala.
"How many Royal Guards are left in Ponyville?"
The leader just keeps quite. You sigh at this and say,
"I didn't want to have to do this, but you have forced my hoof-"
-A Diamond Dog scratches on cave wall (think nails on a chalkboard), but even you find that appallingly annoying and order him never to do that again
*SCREEEEEECH*
Spot slowly scratches his nails on the cave wall letting out a loud screech. You, Fido, and Strong Head all turn your heads towards the small Diamond Dog and yell.
"STOP THAT!!!"
Spot responds,
"But I thought master-"
"One: I never told you to do anything other than whack this stallion on the head! Two: NEVER do that again! Have I made myself clear?!" You interrupt.
Spot just sadly nods his head as you continue,
-Fido finds a poetry book on one of the guards and you have him try to read the poems out loud (given the Diamond Dog's illiteracy and poor grammar, this is almost like reading Vogon poetry)
And with that you grab... a nursery rhyme book from the floor behind you? You first noticed it after throwing your cake into Flash's face, and you figured it must have been dropped by one of the Royal Guard (poor guy must be a father...). You give a sad sigh as you hold it up with your magic... and then you float it over to Fido.
"Fido, pick any poem and read it out loud." You command,
"Uh, master? Me no know how to read."
"Try your best then. And Spot, cover your ears."
"Master yes master" the Diamond Dogs both say as Fido begins to (try to) read the nursery rhymes as Spot covers his ears,
As soon as Fido starts reading, Strong Head immediately begins to squirm uncontrollably at Fido's butchering of foalhood classics and yells,
"My stallions will never talk, *("Hhhhh Hump... Tiiiiii Ty...)* not even under torture. *(Dump... Tie...)*Go torture them instead and see! *(Ssss sit an wall...")* Cowards deserve it for failing!" *("Humpty Dumpty hhhhhh have...")*
You hold up your hoof to get Fido to stop and say,
"I could stop, but I'll you need to do is answer my questions in exchange. How many Royal Guards are left in Ponyville?"
"You and your mangy curs can go buc-" *whack*
Fido smacks him on the head with the book as you put your hoof down, which causes Fido to continue reading,
Strong Head starts squirming again as he yells,
"You'll never *(Rock... A... Bbbbb Bye?)*get me to say *(Bab... Y. An th...)* the Princess only has two *(tree tap...)* Pegasus Guards *(W... Hen? The... Wlind...)* left in Ponyville!"
- And finally, *shiver* making him listen to a Justin Beatbox (Bieber) album on a five hour loop. (this should be what finally breaks him)
You smile at this and hold up your hoof to stop the reading and say,
"Now was that so hard? Now onto my next question. Oh, and if you think "Nursery Rhyme Time with Fido" was bad, fail to answer my questions and I'll lock you in a cell and make you listen to a Justin Beatbox album on a five hour loop!"
Strong Head, Fido, and Spot all gasp and give you horrified looks as you continue,
"Where is the location of the alicorn named Cadance?"
The only thing the leader says is,
"I ain't saying anything about how she'll be at the Grand Galloping Gala this week, *whack* owwwwww."
You glare at Spot who simply holds his hands up in defense. You sigh and think,
Maybe it wasn't a good idea to tell the dumbest beings in the universe to smack him whenever they think he says something stupid. Anyway, Cadance will be at this "Gala" huh... I need to know more about this Gala...
With that thought in mind you ask the leader
"When and where is this 'Gala' taking place?"
The leader just sighs and says in a defeated tone,
"The Gala is in a few days at the Canterlot Castle...",
He then grins and says,
"But there's no way you will ever get in, because we the Royal guard are too power-*whack*"
This time it's Fido who whacks the leader in the head with the book. You give him a thankful nod, because after the, what you now deem as the "Trixie Incident", your hatred for boasters has gotten stronger. And you really didn't want to hear boasting coming from the unicorn who got defeated because of his stupidity and his stubbornness to not back down. To Diamond dogs no less. Speaking of which...
"Why did you prevent your squad from retreating from the might of my Horde?"
Strong Head scoffs and says,
"A superior officer's orders are absolute. Lesser beings must always obey without question at any time, any place, no matter what! My worthless stallions were ruining my chance for glory and a shiny new medal all because SergeantSentry disobeyed MY orders and told them to go back to Ponyville for reinforcements while he held off your mutts and those cowardly Privates went along with it because'they need reinforcements if they want to live to see their families again' *(he says the italicized part in a mock-whiny tone)*. So I threw those cowards back to the front and stun spelled that insubordinate Pegasus. I'll have those worthless traitors strung up when I-" *whack* *whack* *whack* "OWWWWW!"
You, Fido, and Spot all hit Strong Head out of disgust at his arrogant disregard for his stallions and annoyance at his ranting and you then think,
Well, that explains how Flash got captured by my boneheads. Blasted in the back by an arrogant glory-hungry dumbflank while trying to protect his comrade- Wait...
You realize something and then decide to ask him a question that you really want to know the answer to,
"Why is Princess Luna out to kill Nightshade?"
The leader just laughs and says in a snobby tone,
"Nightshade... Oh, the rat with the horn and wings? None of your business, because all you need to know is that she's a dead filly walk-"
*snap* *CRACK*
You slam your hoof into the ground (which causes a hole the size of your hoof to form) as your eyes start to glow orange again, causing the Diamond dogs to back away in fear and the leader to gulp in fear as well. After resisting the urge to rip off the unicorn's armor, have your minions hold him down on a pool table, and strike the eight-ball right into his billiard balls (Luna, that was creatively sadistic), you look at the unicorn menacingly and say in a dark tone,
"Say that again and I will have you imprisoned in the pit for eternity."
The guard smirks at your threat and says in a sleazy voice,
"A pit? How cliche-" *whack* *whack*
He is shut up (and probably saved) by both Fido and Spot smacking him in the head as you say,
"That not clear enough?"
You take out your vise-grips and continue,
"Then how about I personally tear off your horn? BOTH of them."
You slam the vise-grips shut for emphasis as you continue,
"ARE WE CLEAR NOW!"
Strong Head cowers in realization at what you meant by that and nods his head in terror. After you calmed down and your eyes return to normal, you decide that the interrogation is over with. You just have a few more questions on your mind...
Your eyes glow blue and you scream at the leader.
"WHY DID YOU KILL YOUR HUSBAND?!" you scream.
Silence.
"Supernatural!" you explain.
Silence.
"(Gasp!) YOU UNCULTURED SWINES!" you scream
.
Bugze paces back and forth in front of the leader.
"Huh?" The leader asks.
In a foreboding voice:
"Oh....so...you be up young one......" You began but suddenly trail of in a dark laugh.
"W-who-Who are you?" He shakes.
"Me?" You question but grin like a sadist only to laugh again. "Why I am darkness......I am Destruction.....I am Revenge......I am Fear....I....AM...YOUR.....FATHER!!!!!!!"
you decided to end in a space hooves reference.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO" The leader screams
"....Tell me......" You began
"T-tell you w-what?"
"WHAT'S THE RECIPE FOR THE SUPREME CAKE!!!!"
"......"
Silence.....your only met with silence.
"NEVER!!!!! I WILL NEVER TELL YOU THE RECIPE FOR THE PRINCESSES PRIZED CAKE!!!!!!"
"OH BUT YOU WILL!!!!"
"I WILL NOT!"
"THEN YOU SHALL SUFFER!"
"NO I WILL NOT!"
"dude, who's your captor? Me or you? I say you suffer you suffer!"
"Why would i suffer?"
"Cuz i want Cake!"
"The cake belongs to princess Celestia"
"Fat ass" you whisper under your breath, he didn't hear you but still said.
"Did you just insult the princess?"
"No"
"I'm pretty sure you did"
"How would you know?"
"My Captain sense is tingling!"
"HEY! YOU STOLL THAT FROM SPIDER-MARE!"
"NO I DIDN'T!!!"
"Yea ya did"
"Nuh uh!"
"Uh huh!"
que spit in face.
"DUDE! that's discussing!"
"SO?"
you just sigh
"SPOT!"
The idiot runs in
"Yes master?"
"Take him to the.....DRANGON!
"NO NOT THE DRANGON!" Spot gasps. ".....um....master....?"
"Yes Spot?"
"....What's the Drangon?"
".......i.......don't know....."
Que animated fall from captain and idiot.
"Eh! just take him to the rest of um!"
You look the leader right in the eyes and you scream.
"WHY DID YOU KILL YOUR HUSBAND?!"
...
Silence. Silence is all you get from your outburst. You begin to chuckle nervously before saying in a hopeful tone,
"You know, Supernatural!"
...
More silence. You look around you in shock that none of these dogs/pony have ever heard of this show. You swear you hear one of the other guard ponies (probably Flash) say "I know!" (the cells are right next to you, and for some reason the guards haven't said a word the whole time). Your eye twitches before you scream in anger,
"YOU UNCULTURED SWINES!"
...
More silence, and this time you swear you hear a cricket chirping. You sigh in defeat before you look over at the leader and he says in a scared voice (probably because your acting like a crazy bug), "W-who-Wh- What the hay are you?"
"Me?" You question but grin like a sadist only to start laughing evilly.
"Why I am darkness... I am Destruction... I am Revenge... I am Fear... I... AM... YO DADDY!!!!!!!" You decided to end in a Space Hooves reference. Everying loves a good old Space Hooves reference.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO" The leader screams. You give a chuckle at his outburst cause it sounds almost exactly like the real one before saying
"Tell me..." You begin
"Tell you what?" He asks with a serious face
"WHAT'S THE RECIPE FOR THE SUPREME CAKE!!!!"
"..."
Silence... You're only met with silence. You're starting to really hate silence
"NEVER!!!!! I WILL NEVER TELL YOU THE RECIPE FOR THE PRINCESSES PRIZED CAKE!!!!!!"
He screams at you like he's a five year old.
If it's a "act like a five year old match" you want, that is what you'll get!
With that thought in mind, you scream back at him...
"OH BUT YOU WILL!!!!"
"I WILL NOT!" He screams back
"THEN YOU SHALL SUFFER!" You scream
"NO I WILL NOT!"
"Dude, who's the captor holding the vice-grips? Me or you? When I say you suffer, you suffer!"
He's starting to beat me in this match, I shall not lose easily! you think as Strong Head responds,
"Why would I suff-"*whack*
"Cuz i want Cake!"
"The cake belongs to Princess Celestia"
"Cake hoarder." You whisper under your breath, Strong Head didn't hear you, but he still said,
"Did you just insult the princess?"
"No"
"I'm pretty sure you did"
"How would you know?" Luna he is good on acting like a five year old...wait I'm pretty sure that's a bad thing. You think as he suddenly responds,
"My Captain sense is tinglin-" *whack*
"HEY! YOU STOLE THAT FROM SPIDER-MARE!" You and Flash both yell at him.
"NO I DIDN'T!!! AND SERGEANT, DID I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO TAL-" *whack*
"Yea ya did." You say.
"Nuh uh-" *whack*
"Uh huh!" How can a grown pony act more like a five year old then an actual five year old?!?! On second thought, he's alot dumber than a five-year-old as he's still talking stupid even though Spot and Fido are still whacking him on the hea-
*hack spit*
Tense silence fills the cave as everyling realizes that Strong Head just spit in your face. This realization sinks in you as you remember Strong Head's arrogant disregard for his own stallions and the threat he made towards your daughter making your anger reach a boiling point as your eyes glow orange and the dark whisper makes a VERY brief comeback,
Time for free species/gender-change surgery...
You then darkly and coldly command,
"Fido, Spot. Hold him down."
The Diamond Dogs hesitate a little, before they hold down the unicorn as you slowly advance on him with the vise-grips causing him to struggle and pathetically beg,
"Nonononono! That was completely out of line! I'm sorry! Please don't rip off my horns! I have 2 ex-wives and 5 foals! Rip off their horns!"
As you're about to close the vise-grips on Strong Head's horn, you hear,
"Master!"
You turn to see Rover and a pair of Dig Dogs with the supplies you asked for looking at you in horror. Calming down at their success, you realize what you were about to do, drop the vise-grips in horror, and think,
Luna! I almost turned a unicorn stallion into an earth pony mare! I need to find a way to control my anger before I do something unforgivable!
You quickly regain your composure and say,
"Today's your lucky day. *(picks up and puts away vise-grips)* You've been granted a stay of execution. Fido!"
"Yes, whats its yous needs master?" the Diamond Dog responds
"Take him to the... DRANGON!
"NO, NOT THE DRANGON!", Fido gasps, "Um... master... ?"
"Yes Fido?"
"...What's the Drangon?"
"I... don't know..."
Que annoyed animated fall from all nearby dogs and ponies. You then nonchalantly order,
"Eh, just throw him with the rest of them. And give back the book while you're at it."
With that, Fido drags Strong Head back to the cells and throws him (and the book) in. The unicorn gets up and starts yelling at his squad,
"YOU WEAK WORTHLESS TRAITOROUS MAGGOTS! WHY DIDN'T ANY OF YOU BEG FOR MY HORN! WHEN WE GET BACK, YOU'LL ALL BE LUCKY IF I JUST HAVE YOU RELOCATED TO LATRINE DUTY IN-"
"Ahem..."
Everypony in the cell turns to you as you nonchalantly say,
"If anypony wants to give the Second Lieutenant a couple of smacks, you can just say I mind-controlled you all into doing that."
*crack* *crack* *crack* *crack*
Strong Head turns back to his stallions to see all of them cracking their necks.
"Uh... Let's not be too hasty gentlecolts. Remember how I kindly gave you the honor of polishing my armor or cleaning my personal washroom?"
"GET HIM!!!"
You walk away from the beatdown going on in the cell (the two Dig Dogs standing guard are starting to place bets on who will land the last punch on Strong Head) and say to yourself,
"As for me..."
You walk over to the supplies the Dig Dogs brought.
"I got some work to do..."
Realize the situation is getting a bit out of control and go see Fluttershy (after ordering your minions to guard the prisoners of course)
SOME WORK LATER
After you finish your work and giving instructions to the Horde, you start to walk towards the cave entrance. Just as you're about to leave, you hear Rover ask,
"Wheres yous going master?"
You look over to him before you smile and say,
"I'm gonna visit... an old friend. Also while I'm gone, I want you all to memorize those commands I gave you and keep an eye on the prisoners. Think you can handle that?"
Rover salutes to you before saying,
"Master yes Master!" And with that he goes back into the cave to start working on your orders. And with that, you head off...
A BUNCH OF MINUTES LATER
You find yourself in front of he door of your friend that you told Rover you were visiting. You would have been here sooner if it weren't for the fact that you had to sneak the entire way here.
She lives on the outskirts of Ponyville and yet I still have to sneak over here, go figure. And I forgot how packed this place is, so many animals it's like a zoo... times ten! You think to yourself as you look around you.
Wherever you look there's a new animal, and when you look back to a area you looked at before, there's ten times the animal that was there before. You give a sigh as you turn to face the shack doors and are about to knock, when the door gets thrown open and she "screams",
"I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS I SWEAR!"
You couldn't really count that as a scream because you could barely hear it, but you still somehow manage to wince at how "loud" it was. You look at Fluttershy to see that she is just staring at you. You shuffle around nervously and say...
"Um...hi?"
What do you do?
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YAY I like this SO much! :D!!!
Fluttershy's reaction to seeing bugze: Yay.
Fluttershy stares at you. You stare back.
"Um...hello sweetie?" you say, praying to Luna your reference isn't met with silence.
"Um...I understood that reference." Fluttershy mumbles. Your eyes widen.
"Was that...a reference to a reference?" you ask. OMG. The Avengers. She just referenced the Avengers.
"Uh...y-yes."
You hug her.
"I've missed you."
Me: "they WHAT?!?!"
Me: "OH HELL NAW"
Me: (proceeds destroying everything in sight)
Yeah, I think I killed the mood.
Seriously, I sacrificed a good night's sleep to go see the midnight showing and I got two hours of the most boring giant monster movie ever. Godzilla was just as emasculated as the poor officer here nearly was. Then to cap it off, I drove an hour home at two in the morning, seething in rage and knowing I had to be at work at six. Hated that movie. Hate, hate, hated that movie.
OK, rage abated. Promise.
Prepare for hugs. Fluttershy shows that she took your criticism on the train to heart by asserting that you were a hero in Appleloosa, and you deserve a hero's welcome.
While you're there, she asks if you can help her with a very sick, very ugly bird.
4747070 Forever, please calm down. We can settle this pea*a cybermen's head is embedded into the wall behind me*
forever:"SHUT UP DWC BEFORE I RIP YOU IN TWO!"
On second thought, go ahead, cause as munch damage as you can heheheh
Cue Flutterglomp where she's glad you're okay (you also correct her that your name is "Bugze" and not "Hoody", but won't really mind if she calls you either).
Fluttershy tells you about how she "borrowed" Celestia's bird, Philomena and you tell her about your situation with the horde, the guardponies, and the "plot to foalnap Celestia and her bird" (for some reason, you may decide to leave out Nightshade, the dark whisper, and the whole "attempted castration" thing).
You offer to take credit for snatching Philomena so Fluttershy can stay out of trouble, but she's concerned over how much trouble you've gotten yourself into already.
You ask her about the Grand Galloping Gala.
Fluttershy very briefly mentions having a career as a supermodel (you didn't know about this because Appleloosa is pretty remote. Not only does it not receive most magazines, but their idea for an "early" newspaper is one that's already a week old and the local movie theater is just starting to show movies that we're already two years old at least) and you resist the urge to ask if she did any swimsuit shoots (cue nosebleed when she mentions being "Cover filly of the Month" for "Vanner's Secret". Stupid bug hormones...)
-NOTE: Vanner is a type of Horse, but I'm using it as a pun on Victoria's cause they both start with V.
Also, to quote Hard Cider's excellent suggestion:
----------
As I said before, Worst movie of 2014: The Other Woman. It's pretty much what would've happened if Adam Sandler tried to make a chick flick as it has odd pacing, crude sexual and toilet humor, and idiotic/mediocre characters. When I saw the trailer, I knew the movie would be bad and put my expectations REALLY low (I was at least hoping for gratuitous bikini scenes of Kate Upton (*hubba hubba*), but THERE WAS ONLY ONE KATE UPTON SWIMSUIT SCENE!) and it couldn't even meet that! Only reason I saw it was because I won a free screening pass for it.
*Pulls the Doctor out of the way of a Dalek that was knocked out a 5th-story window and was about to crush him*
Watch your fire forever! At this rate you'll cause the Doctor to regenerate into Matt Smith ahead of schedule!
Doctor: "Who's Matt Smi-"
And we can't find Magus anywhere!
Dalek: EXTERMIN-
*Fires shotgun point blank into Dalek eye stalk, shattering it*
Dalek: VISION IMPAIRED! VISION IMPAI-
*Slices Dalek in half vertically with lightsaber*
(Said in faux-Dalek accent) LIFE IM-PAIRED! Btw, where's the exit?
When Bugze's comes back, he hears Spot trying to convince the Horde to follow him instead.
4747091? I thought Godzilla was female.
And then they kiss.
Worst movie: Frozen. This is because there was a lack of logic in most situations, there were too many songs and it was so girly even my mother cringed. It was just another excuse for product endorsement because Disney have already milked their other films dry. They somehow managed to do that to Star Wars too as they haven't even made any Star Wars films yet.
Fluttershy jump tackles you, too suprised to teleport you scream:
"FLUTTERSHY USED TACKLE O' LOVE
IT IS SUPER EFFECTIVE!"
A strange voice echo's out across the land:
You caught a Fluttershy!
Metallic,disconected voice:
Fluttershy the Kindness Ponymon
It's shyness enables it to hide from many foes, but in combat its eyes can inflict paralysis from 20ft away.
Would you like to to nickname the caught Fluttershy?
You could do this whenever you win someone over to your cause
Suddenly remember that the royal sisters aren't gods and they aren't infallible or invincible. Oh, and for the current situation (with Fluttershy);
4749752
^This
And for movies... I'm going to say the worst is any horror/supernatural movie, and the Purge. The best was the Lego Movie.
Worst 2014 movie so far? "Lucy"
In fairness, I liked the parts where cool looking scenes were used to show what's going on in the body, as well as the going backwards in time thing near the end.
But my god, the writing is the absolute most pretentious thing I've ever had to endure. I don't want to spoil much of anything, but wow, does the movie take itself so much more seriously than it should.
Cowboys and Aliens? Taking a comedic idea and treating it seriously worked fine there.
This movie, "Lucy"? I've never face planted so much.
Too many...referencegasm's!
Ah, clearly our good changling is an equal opportunity evil overlord. Even has his prisoners best interest in mind. Clearly a villain after my own heart.