Immediately you begin to wonder what you ever did to the universe to make it hate you so much. I mean this is like the tenth time every single one of them has caught you with your metaphorical trousers down. You start to think that now might not be such a bad time to take that worse path and jump off the train that will soon be filled with pain.
You immediately begin to wonder what you did to the universe to make it hate you so much.
Was it that time I pranked my ex-queen by dyeing her mane pink and her tail blue? Was it the time I gave all the guards diarrhea by sneaking in a Carolina Reaper Pepper into their smoothies? Was it ANY of the pranks I pulled with grandbuggy? Oh no... it has be all the times I would sneak out of the hive so I could play all those new games, like "Murdered Soul Suspect" and "Infamous: Second Son" isn't it! I couldn't help it universe, those games were awesome? Plus, "Infamous" is one of my favorite game series, I had to check it out!
You continue to think of more reasons as to why the universe hates you. You know that it does hate you for some reason, given that this is the, what, tenth time every single one of these mares have caught you with your metaphorical trousers down.
Why do I now have the intense urge to wear pants now?
You shrug off the urge and decide to worry about it later, for now you start to think that the window next to you looks very inviting...
"Oh no you don't!"
Suddenly, all the windows near you are covered in a white magical aura, and you look over to Rarity to see that she has a smug smile.
Drat! She must have seen me looking at the windows or something like that and now she must have put a magical barrier around them. Well there goes emergency plan 6b/4. Welp... time for classic escape plan B.69.
Just as you are about to initiate your plan, the weirdest thing happens...
Before the Mares can do anything to you, the badly bruised bandit suddenly bursts in with his (now broken) knife and screams "FOR THE LAST BUCKING TIME! EVERYPONY GET THEM HOOVES UP OR I'M GONNA START... slicing... ponies..." and freezes as he sees six angry (and one confused) glares in his direction.
"Why didn't I stay in law school-"(*Cue beatdown by Rainbow Dash and Applejack*)
A brown earth-pony stallion wearing a torn bandanna and looking like he just finished a shift as Clubber Lang's punching bag bursts in. He takes out a broken knife and screams,
"FOR THE LAST BUCKING TIME! EVERYPONY GET THEM HOOVES UP OR SO... help... me..." (*clink*)
The stallion freezes and drops his knife in terror when he sees six angry (and one very confused) glares directed at him. He chuckles nervously and asks,
"I don't suppose ya didn't hear me say that, would ya?"
The six mares (and you) shake their heads "no" and Rainbow begins to walk over to him menacingly while cracking her neck. He then just says in sad defeat,
"Why didn't I stay in law schoo-"
His sentence is interrupted when Pinkie suddenly screams...
"GET HIM!"
The next thing you (and the poor bandit) know, Rainbow, Applejack, and Pinkie charge the bandit and engulf him in a dust cloud of violence, blows, and unstallionly screaming. The poor stallion didn't stand a chance. You can't help but cringe cause you know exactly how it feels to be pounded by those mares.
At least they aren't beating me up for once.You think to yourself in relief.
You notice that the mares are all distracted by the beat-down, so you decide that you don't need to use plan B.69 after all. You start to use your stealth skills (translation; you tiptoe) to sneak towards the door that is behind the mares, when...
Try to sneak away in the confusion, but Twilight, Pinkie, or Rarity proclaim "Where do you think you're going!". Cue RCV "LOOK! A DISTRACTION!" and obligatory wacky chase scene.
You gulp. This might be the end, and if it is truly the end, then you're going to end how you begun.
"HEY, LOOK, A DISTRACTION!"
Nopony looks. You are a dead bug.
Twilight rushes in front of the door and says menacingly,
"And just where do you think you're going?"
You gulp in fear and say,
"I'm... going to the rest room?"
Twilight gives you a look that says 'Are you serious?'. You gulp again and decide that you should use plan B-69 after all. You charge up your RCV and yell...
"LOOK A DISTRACTION!"
...
Nothing. She didn't turn around or look away at all! You stare at her in surprise and think in panic,
It didn't work... IT DIDN'T STINKING WORK! IT ALWAYS WORKS! WHAT KIND OF SHE-DEVIL IS SHE! I'M A DEAD BUG. A DEAD BUG I TELLS YA!
Twilight then gives you a smug look before she pulls earplugs out of her... well, ears and says,
"I knew ear plugs would work!"
You can't help but face-hoof at the fact that earplugs, of all things, are the thing that defies your ultimate escape plan.
This mare keeps on thinking of ways to make my escape plans worthless! First my teleport spell with her stupid Deactivate Magic spell, and now this! You think to yourself in terror. *ding*
Wait a minute, Twilight is a librarian, who has an obsession with books. She must have had thousand back in that library... house... tree thing? Whatever, you get an idea. It's drastic, but might just save your buggy skin.
Wait, I just got a crazy idea that might just work! Twilight's a librarian who has an obsession with books. Right? If I remember from when she chased me back at the library correctly, she lives in the Ponyville library. She must have had thousands of books back in that library... house... tree thing? Whatever... It's stupid and would never work even if it was a comedy, but stupid ideas tend to save my buggy skin, soooo...
With that thought in mind, you think about what you need and you pull it out of The Inventory. It is...
Hold up a Book and say, "Back or the book gets it". (The books are hundreds of years old. They did come from the ancient castle, after all. Very valuable first editions.)
a can of WD-40 and yell "Nopony move or the books get it!"
"Really ya varmint? That's the best y'all got, books."
"Are you kidding?! Those are signed first editions! That lubricant will make the pages unreadable!"
The "How to be A Gentle Colt 101" book and a can of WD-40. You hold the book close and aim the spray at the book as you look over to Twilight and say,
"Everypony back or the book gets it!"
The rest of the mares hear your outburst and look over at you. Applejack (who apparently is done beating the poor bandit to a pulp) just gives you a bemused look and says,
"Really ya varmint? That's the best y'all got? A book and a can of WD-40-"
Twilight interrupts Applejack with a glare as she says,
"Are you kidding?! That book is a signed first edition with the original preface by the author and the attached fallow bookmark made from his lucky silk handkerchief! There's only been 3 of those known to still be in existence and that lubricant will make the pages unreadable!"
Seeing as how you now hold all the cards, you say to them,
"Now, purple one, back away from the door and none of you try anything or this book will be as about as readable as a... really dark poster... written in an extinct langu- JUST BACK OFF!"
Twilight nods her head rapidly and she backs away from the door and the rest stay where they are. You slowly begin to walk over to the door, never taking your eyes off the mares when...
Given Twilight's urging her friends backward so that they don't harm the ancient tome, you take a bit of time to insult them on your way out...
"Well, well, well. What have we here? A violent speciesist Nazi, her rampaging harm-everything terrorist wife, a purple pseudo-pacifist puppet to the crown, an escapee from the mental institution, a whining prissy voodoo-doll stabbing priestess, and a pathetic, unassertive failure to do what's right." (You're giving some tough love to Fluttershy right now). "While I'd be honored to accept your thanks for my saving Appleloosa from imminent war by diverting their attentions from each other and uniting them under a single enemy, I'm still not over the fact that you all want to kill my daughter. I'll therefore, gratifying you with my presence is no longer a desirable option for me. You have all caused me nothing but pain."
You decide to take advantage of Twilight's urging to keep the rest of the mares back by deciding to let off some steam at the mares by acting like the villain they think you are. So you insult them while talking in a stereotypical evil British accent,
"Well, well, well this is a surprise. The 'heroes' of Equestria which consist of: a violent species-ist hick, her arrogant fillyfooler marefriend with serious anger issues, a purple pseudo-pacifist puppet to the crown, an escapee drug-addict from the loony bin, a whiny prissy voodoo-doll stabbing 'fashionista', and a pathetic, unassertive failure to do what's right."
You give Fluttershy a apologetic nod, and she notices and nods back. You then continue,
"You all claim to be SO mighty, but you're all staying away from me because of a book! And while I'd be honored to accept your thanks for my saving Appleloosa from imminent war by diverting their attentions from each other and uniting them under a single enemy, I'm still not over the fact that you 'heroes' all want to kill me. And your princess trying to send my daughter to the gallows haven't slipped my mind either by the way. Therefore, gratifying you with my presence is no longer a desirable option for me.You have all caused me nothing but pain and misery, so I bid you all good day... Well, there’s a name for you ladies that I want to use, but it isn't used in high society… outside of a kennel."
And with that you quickly put the WD-40 can and the book back into The Inventory before you turn around and...
RUN, MAN, RUN!!!!!!!!
You do what you should have done at the beginning...
YOU RUN LIKE TARTARUS!
"Get back here!" you hear Twilight scream.
As you run, you start opening up the luggage compartments, causing some bags to fall in their path. Even though it slows them down, the mares are still gaining on you. Fortunately, you spot the refreshment cart as the waitress mare spots you, yelps, and runs away. In desperation, you remember a scene from one of your favorite sitcoms and dive behind the cart before quickly grabbing a can of cola and a bag of pop rock candies. You rip off the tab of the soda can and the top of the candy bag with your teeth like an action movie grenade before stuffing the can in the bag and shaking it before you pop out from your cover and scream,
"SEE YOU IN TARTARUS, CANDY MARE!!!" before throwing the sugar bomb at Pinkie
"DUCK COVER!" Pinkie screams causing the mares and any nearby passengers to all scramble and duck for cover as you hit the deck behind the refreshment cart, throw your arms over your head, slam your eyes shut and...
Nothing.
You pop out from cover in confusion to see Pinkie standing in the aisle holding a pillow before saying,
"I'm glad I grabbed this pillow in time! That soda would have ruined the adorable duck design on the cover!"
EVERYLING in the car looks at Pinkie in various combinations of bemusement and shock.
"Well, that was anticlimactic" you mutter out loud which catches the mares attention. You chuckle nervously as they glare at you,
Me and my big mouth... you think in annoyance at yourself before you buck the soda cart, causing it to roll down the aisle and knock over Rainbow Dash and Applejack (who happened to be the first ones to rush out onto the aisle. See kids? Being "first" is overrated)
Using the runaway cart to gain some distance, you begin to look around for any windows that are opened nearby as you rush past a bunch of ponies and other creatures on the train as you're making your getaway (reactions range from surprise to indifference and one cranky donkey (*) even throws a can of ginger ale at your head). But, as you are so focused on looking for a window, you don't notice a TARDIS colored pegasus until...
*CRASH*
You find yourself on the ground and as you shake your head you hear,
"Hey watch were your going yah... jerk..." You open your eyes and see Lighting Chaser who just stopped talking when she realized that you're a changeling. You decide to take advantage of her confusion by...
During the chase, you ram into Lightning Chaser and get knocked to the ground. Seeing an opportunity to escape the mares AND get some payback, you quickly disguise yourself as Lightning Chaser and say in a terrified voice "HELP! This brute assaulted me, turned into me, and is trying to mug me!" Before Lightning Chaser can do anything, Lady Luck decides to cut you a small break as the crazy mare is attacked by the three mares.
Immediately transforming into her and scream,
"HELP! This brute assaulted me, turned into me, and is trying to mug me!"
Before you know it, Lighting is tackled by an blue and orange blur. You take your time to stand up and walk away from the fight as you think to yourself,
Not surprised those two got here first. Guess they're as fast as they are mean.
You chuckle at the fact that you somehow manage to (barely) outrun them. Your transformation ends and the dust cloud drops and you see... Lighting biting down on Applejack's front hoof, and Rainbow has another hoof in her eye. Applejack has her hoof in Rainbows gut, and Rainbow has her front hoof in Lighting's gut. They look at you and you begin to chuckle nervously before you see a opened window near you. You give a smug look and you say,
"Sorry ladies but..."
You pause to nonchalantly climb onto the window as Pinkie, Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy arrive and you continue,
"This is my stop."
And with that you jump out the window while yelling,
You were hoping that you would jump out of the train while it was over a lake, a nice flower patch, or even a group of bunnies. But nope, you jump out over a...
Dive, jump, or get knocked out of train only to painfully fall, tumble, and bump down cliff into the Everfree Forest
A cliff overlooking that dumb forest. You start to fall, tumble, and bump down the cliff into the dumb forest, and while most creatures would be screaming in pain, you on the other hoof are screaming out your hate to lady luck and the forest...
"CURSE YOU (*bump*) LADY LUCK (*crash*)CURSE YOU FOREST (*wham*) CURSE YOU BOTH TO TARTARUS (*bump*) IF I EVER GET MY HOOFS (*crash*) AROUND YOUR NECKS (*wham*) OR GET ENOUGH MATCHES (*crash*)THEN YOUR BOTH DEAD (*crash*) YOU HEAR ME! (*bump*) DEAD (*wham*) OWW!"
You continue on like this until you reach the bottom of the cliff face-first. You continue to grumble in anger when a random though enters your mind...
You need to spend a little time bonding with nightshade. You haven't had much chance to talk with her unless she's eating something or popping out of inventory at the wrongest of moments.
I need to spend more time with my daughter.
You can't help but agree with your random thought.
It would be nice to spend some time with Nightshade, especially considering that I usually only see her when she's either hungry or she pops out of The Inventory... Oh buck! I just remembered, I haven't seen Nightshade since I made her promise to stay in bed no matter what! I'll immediately check up on her and then I'll plan a whole day wi-
"HEY! Let go of me!" you hear a filly yell,
"Nightshade?!"
"This one should be good for mine work, do yous agree?"
Of course that is after you BEAT THE EVER LIVING LIFE OUT OF WHOEVER JUST SAID THAT! You quickly get up and look over to were you heard the soon-to-be-pulp person and see... the Inventory open with its contents scattered and three dog-like things that look like this (I'm lazy give me a break). But what catches your attention is the fact that the middle-sized dog one is holding a flailing and struggling Nightshade upside down by her tail. He looks over to you and sneers,
"What do you want bug, can't you see we're getting a new miner here."
*snap*
THEY ARE DEAD!!!
What do you do?
Go ape shit on them, aka, falcon punch, no shadow kick, and shoryuken to each of the diamond dogs in that order (after teleporting nightshade out of his grip)
You spit on the ground and pound the ground with your hoof angrily.
"IM HERE TO KICK ASS AND CHEW BUBBLE GUM, AND IM ALL OUT OF BUBBLE GUM!!!!" You scream.
"GET BACK HERE YOU CREEPY FREAKS!"
(LE WILD CHASE SCENE BEGINS)
4703477
lookover to your left and see a spl cola machine( old soda invented by princess luna before she was banished that gives you five random super powers per can [Use this to determine which powers you get])
"ARRIBA-SAN!" You shout, duct taping an iPod you found on the ground to one of their foreheads.
"Let's see how you like it when I teleport your brain to dimension XI!"
He looks at it.
"This is an iPod with a piece of duct tape on it."
"Ah, but for a moment there you were really scared!"
Everyling, I do believe it's time for Nightshade to have her first moment of badassatude (if that's even a word?).
Like maybe: After Bugzy gives the Diamond Dogs a few solid, and well deserved smacks, they burrow underground to avoid getting hit more while also popping up to taunt him, as we know they like to do. Then after a solid hour (or several) of playing whack-a-dog, Bugzy gets exhausted and the dogs come back to the surface to rub it in his face. That's when Nightshade demands they stop being mean to Bugzy, and let her down... and also get her some lemonade.
Dog1: "Stop whining!"
Dog2: "Umm, boss. I think that's complaining. We gotta learn the difference after last time."
Dog3: "I'm not sure, it might be pouting... Ordering?"
Then something happens to make Nightshade snap (sorry, i got nothing here). As for how she beats them up:
NS: "Kagebunshin no jutsu! (shadow clones)" and several pitch-black copies of Nightshade appear, surrounding the dogs. They're about to burrow away but Nightshade stops them with a "Kagemane no jutsu" (shadow bind), tendrils of darkness link to the Diamond Dogs' legs and hold them in place. *cue massive beatdown
Favorite movie: The LEGO movie. Everything is awesome!
Also,
And put on a pair of sunglasses CSI: Miami style.
youfoundasecret.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/vlcsnap-2013-03-13-14h35m58s140a.png
As you stare at them your anger finally breaking you fail to notice your eye twitch, and a necromancer walk up to you, using him magic he raise the dead around you. The undead seem to have instruments and they began to play (Activate ass kicking music) the music starts slow and you began to walk torus the dogs. They look at you with a mix of confusion and fear. The music begins to pick up and a wicked smile forms on your face,(Commence ass kicking) once the fight is over you look to see a hooded figure walking away and around you seems to be dig up dirt as if for a grave, you shrug it off and pick up your daughter.
Attack! Always attack! (Napoleon Bonaparte) Go on the offensive, before they get a chance to use their numbers. Take them out one at a time, rescue Nightshade, and get out.
Lego Movie. For the LOLs. And the storyline was perfect for Lego; adult rigidity vs. a child's imagination. A very simple idea, but one that needs, in this day in age, to be said.
"Get away from her you bi-"
Rover: "Actually, I'm a guy-"
In a rage, use No Shadow Kick on Rover (middle-sized leader holding Nightshade) which makes him drop Nightshade before you land and quickly hit Fido (the biggest one) with Falcon Punch which sends him smashing through a tree and into a nearby mountain wall. You turn your glowing-orange glare on Spot (smallest one) who calls in reinforcements on a whistle.
5 Armored Guard dogs with spears burst out of the ground, but you use Fus Ro Dah to send all of them (and Spot) slamming into the wall where Fido was knocked into.
Then continue into Erised the ink-moth's awesome idea:
Your increasing rage causes the "Nightmare Cloak" comes back on and you launch yourself into the air before slamming back down in a shockwave that launches the Diamond Dogs into the air where you grab them with your tail and start repeatedly slamming them around you before throwing them into a wall. You slowly advance on the whimpering mutts as the voice comes back urging you to "Put these mongrels down" before Nightshade calms you down.
A wounded Rover stumbles across your coat and (after a LONG time of thinking) realizes you're The Hooded Offender. He and the other dogs immediately begs to be your minions (Nightshade explains in a book she read while in Appleloosa, dog-like creatures operate on "pack mentality" and by dominating them, you've become their "alpha")
Hoping to scare them onto the path of good you decide to try to drive the Diamond Dogs away by acting like cliched mean boss supervillain and think up of the craziest, dumbest plan you can: Foalnapping Princess Celestia
The Diamond Dogs are completely on board with this.
You accept them as your minions, reasoning that under your control, they won't cause as much trouble as being on their own.
Congratualtions. You have acquired minions
----------
I found the care package, but it looks like it crushed someon- Wait, it's just Jack Harkness. He'll be fine once we get the crate off him (maybe he'll give me an autograph ).
My Top 10 Movies of 2014 (So far)
10. Muppets Most Wanted
9. Transformers: Age of Extinction
8. Noah
7. The Grand Budpaest Hotel
6. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
5. X-Men: Days of Future Past
4. The Amazing Spider-Man 2
3. The Lego Movie
2. How to Train Your Dragon 2
Honorable Mentions:
-The Raid 2
-Godzilla
-Edge of Tomorrow
1. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
The thought of the Dimond dog using your daughter for forced labor breaks something in your mind. Your facial expression changes to something sinister while your body begins to shake violently. You grin showing your sharp, changeling teeth and begin a psychotic laugh. Confuse and disturbed, the Dimond dogs begin to inch away from the disturbed changeling. Forgetting about Nightshade's existence, she slips out of the Dimond dogs grip and enters THE INVENTORY. The largest of the dogs questions Bugze, "What bug pony find funny !?" The larger d dog snarls. Bugze slowly walks towards them ( you remember a quote from one of your favorite psycho's from borderlands and your grin widens further). Before you starts the beat down, you screams, "Ill open your veins WITH MY TEEETH!"
Best film was Transformers 4. Optimus, for once, wasn't incapacitated for half an hour or just completely useless during the battle. He actually did something.
Dawn of the planet of the apes or How to train your dragon 2
(Calmly)Nightshade? Be a dear and cover your ears and eyes? Very good
Scream: Drop her there's a bomb in her!
Dogs: Really?!
Bugsy:No of course not she's a filly for bucks sake, but you're going to look like a bomb went off when I'm through with ya!
Godzilla and Divergent
You glare at the diamond dog with enough hate that it could burn the damn thing alive.
You are suddenly surrounded by a dark aura and very menacingly you ask "....What.....Are.....You......Stupid......Dogs.....Doing....With....MY.....DAUGHTER!?!?!?!?"
As you yell this your eyes turn orange and smoke comes out of your nose.
"D-daddy?" Nightshade asks fearfully and shocked.
"Close your eyes Nightshade, your ears too" You say not removing your eyes from the diamond dog.
"B-but-"
"NOW nightshade"
Nightshade listens to you and you stomp forward towards the dog.
Why am I imagining at some point in this story "lady luck" is going to appear? Now I'm imagining Discord showing up, looking at something invisible, saying "Hello sister Eris. I didn't expect to see you here. Still being the goddess of misfortune? This is a weird one to take an interest in."
Sweet celestiaThey have Night Shade!! Well if experience has taught you anything, its that obnoxiously yelling all your moves seconds before you do them and then screaming like a mad pony worked almost all the time. you then run towards you daughters foal-nappers And began to do the second thing you do beast (The other being luck related) and begin obnoxiously yelling the names of your moves as you preformed them.
As you finished off what you thought to be last diamond dog you hear foot steps behind you. Turning around and standing on your hind legs the dimond dog starts throwing rocks at you. you then do somethig like this.