After Derpy was given her brand-new diary. She had set home right away and got some writing done.
Dear Diary,
Hello, my name is Derpy Hooves and I have been given this special book from Twilight so I can write about what goes on in my life. And then when I'm finished, I will need to give it back to Twilight to study about... Ummm.... What was it again? Anyway, it was something to do with The Observation Of The Study Of A Pony's Body And Mind. (Or OSPBM, for short)
Bye,
Derpy Hooves
Chapters (3)
It's hard to follow the narrator's thoughts with him constantly interjecting. It would be much more cohesive if you told the story straitly, without any interjections or asides. It's a nice idea. Good luck to you!
its a really good start and all but you are saying Derpy a lot in the first paragraph. You could have used something else like 'gray mare with a golden forelock' or 'crossed eyed mare' or just simply mare. Just trying to help you!
Thanks for the tips both of you
4243295 I have fixed the
's in the first paragraph
4247207 now it is really good!
Thanks for being open minded with my ideas.
4248302 Thanks!
4252471 um i think you mean you're welcome...