• Member Since 7th Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen May 11th, 2015

DashieReviews


I can review your stories and write ones on your request of category

E

After Derpy was given her brand-new diary. She had set home right away and got some writing done.

Dear Diary,

Hello, my name is Derpy Hooves and I have been given this special book from Twilight so I can write about what goes on in my life. And then when I'm finished, I will need to give it back to Twilight to study about... Ummm.... What was it again? Anyway, it was something to do with The Observation Of The Study Of A Pony's Body And Mind. (Or OSPBM, for short)

Bye,
Derpy Hooves

Chapters (3)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 7 )

It's hard to follow the narrator's thoughts with him constantly interjecting. It would be much more cohesive if you told the story straitly, without any interjections or asides. It's a nice idea. Good luck to you!

its a really good start and all but you are saying Derpy a lot in the first paragraph. You could have used something else like 'gray mare with a golden forelock' or 'crossed eyed mare' or just simply mare. Just trying to help you!:pinkiehappy:

Thanks for the tips both of you:rainbowlaugh:

4243295 I have fixed the :derpyderp2:'s in the first paragraph

4247207 now it is really good! :yay:
Thanks for being open minded with my ideas.:pinkiehappy:

4252471 um i think you mean you're welcome... :derpytongue2:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!