Chapter 5
Chapter 5: I Become A Tomb Raider
So, I found out that not only is Daring Do real, she’s also a prick. I don’t care what species you are, when nobility that also happens to be divinity walks into the room, you get down on your knees and touch your nose to the fucking floor until said goddess allows you to look at her! It’s called respect!
Okay, Shining Armor may not have done that kind of stuff, but he was probably banging Cadence! When you’re having sex with the goddess, it gives you a bit of leeway in how to act towards her and her family. And when she gets it into her head to marry said boyfriend, that helps even the playing field for the rest of the family.
So unless Daring Do was fucking Celestia Herself, she needed to get her disrespectful ass beaten for not begging for Twilight’s forgiveness after I kind of spilled the beans on the whole alicorn thing. Twilight would have forgiven her, she’s awesome like that, but it doesn’t mean the Rainbow Dash wannabe shouldn’t have kissed major ass to get it!
Now, where was I?
Oh yeah, the guys with cutie marks that looked like comic book sound effects showed up to take the One Ring back to Mordor…and in all honesty, I think the ringwraiths appearing would have made more sense than what really happened.
There were three of them, all earth ponies. There was a white one with shades, a tan one with a fedora and a gray stallion that had these ridiculously overgrown sideburns all started coming down the stairs. Their sudden appearance surprised the hell out of me, because me and Dash had been up there, and it was just more torn apart furniture. Nobody had been in the house until (dammit I have to say it) Daring Do came home.
“He’s got the final ring! Get him!” Muttonchops said before they all leaped at me.
I got halfway to willing them to be blown to dust before I realized that any attempted use of my horn would raise some real odd questions if I actually managed to turn the trio of intruders to ash, and then let out a cry of manly pain when three earth pony bodies collided with my frail pegasus bone structure and sent me plummeting to the ground.
Thanks to my pseudo-pegasus magic, the kind that keeps Rainbow Dash from turning into a smear on the ground whenever she crashes and why Flash Sentry only ended up with a few dozen broken bones when I tried to beat him to death, the impact didn’t do much damage. However, the crushing weight of three earth ponies did force the breath out of my lungs when we hit the ground.
Luckily, my half-dead body seemed to break Twilight and Rainbow out of their fangasm, and the fight was on. Since I had just gotten the wind knocked out of me and had to concentrate from keeping my natural defense mechanism of turning me back to my more powerful true form from activating, I just crawled over to the nearest corner to keep out of the way.
“Flash!” Twilight screamed before her horn lit up and a purple energy beam the size of a pony punched through the wall behind the goon squad. All in all, I was surprised Twilight didn’t just carpet bomb the whole house with her magic and undo any unintentional transmogrification spells or petrifaction misfires when everything was done.
Daring Do seemed to be handling herself well enough against Shades and Fedora, while Muttonchops was throwing everything he could find on the ground at Dash, who was just zipping about in the air, pausing every few seconds to razz the stallion below her.
As I got my breath back, I noticed a strange lack of purple energy beams turning ponies into pumpkins and looked over to the princess. “Uh, Twilight, you might want to zap one of the bad guys,” I called out.
“Hm? Oh! Right, sorry,” Twilight apologized as she shook herself out of her frozen state. “It’s just…Daring Do is fighting a pair of treasure stealing villains right in front of my eyes!”
Oh god, she’s talking in squeals now, I thought while Twilight danced in excitement. Then I let out a groan at the idiocy of the situation and tried to collect what was left of my sanity before what was going on turned my brain to mush and it leaked out my ears.
“I know, right!” Rainbow Dash said before she ducked and dodged a broken chair and a kitchen sink that the earth pony she was fighting threw without even looking at them. How the hell is she doing that?
While I was somewhat happy over the fact they didn’t seem to give a damn about Flash Sentry being possibly crippled (okay, I didn’t look that bad) I was kind of angry over the fact Twilight could pretty much squash these idiots under her hoof if she so chose to do so. “Twilight!” I yelled. “Would you please use your godlike magical alicorn powers and turn these idiots into shrubbery or something?”
As the goons stopped fighting for a moment to look over at Twilight, Daring smacked the two earth ponies she was up against in the face with her hoof to knock them out while Twilight glared at me. “Flash, cut it out with the A-word!”
Muttonchops just stared for a moment at Twilight, then took off through the hole she had blasted in the furthest wall. “I didn’t sign up for this!”
With two out of three goons out of it and the third one gone, the fight was apparently over. All in all, I was a little disturbed by the whole thing. Sure, I was a homicidal soul-sucking monster, but I had just fought what amounted to evil ponies. Changelings I could understand, buffalo I’m willing to paint as the bad guys for trying to destroy a town because they planted trees, dragons and griffons were pretty much a gimme, but PONIES?
Trixie and Diamond Tiara might have been complete douche bags, but even they had some redeeming qualities like the ability to feel regret and a friend in Silver Spoon. These guys were out to hurt others without a magical necklace to drive them bat shit crazy.
Twilight pulled me up and brought me back to reality, while Daring Do dug through the rubble of her cottage in a frantic state. “Where, where is it? Where’d it go?”
“Ms Do, I just want to say how unbelievably awesome it is to meet you and find out you’re real,” Rainbow Dash said as she flew up to hover next to the other pegasus. I’m pretty sure if her mouth were open, drool would have been falling. I really hoped I didn’t look the same way when I first met Rainbow Dash.
“How the hay is that even possible anyway?” I finally asked. “You’re a fictional character!” The irony of my statement hit me about five seconds later, and I had to repress the urge to hit myself.
The accusation apparently got Daring’s attention, and she just looked at me with a deadpan expression. I’m guessing she’d had this conversation before. “The Daring Do series of books are based off my life. I send my research notes and journals to a friend in Canterlot, and she turns them into novels. Then we just fudge some of the details to make sure nopony just stumbles on any of the dangerous places I go.”
“So you’ve written yourself in as the hero to your own book series? How conceded is that?” I asked rhetorically. It was like the idiocy of self-insert fan fiction, where some loser author puts himself in a story to hang around with his favorite characters. God did I hate those things. They were the worst kinds of fiction in existence.
Daring Do didn’t even deem my denouncement of her book series worthy of a rebuttal, and just went back to looking around her destroyed, dilapidated dormitory. “Ugh, where the hay is that ring?”
“Ohmygosh!” Dash exclaimed as she landed just to jump up and down on her hooves. “I know! I know! I can help you Daring Do!” The display of seeing my favorite pony act like…this, just made me want to cry. If Daring Do had been a guy, I’m pretty sure Dash would have been offering free rides…or paying for them even.
“WHAT?” the other pegasus shrieked before she turned her attention to Rainbow Dash. “What happened? Where is it?”
A second later, Dash told the other pegasus that another earth pony grabbed the artifact when it rolled over to the door, and then took off with it. She even had a quick description of the guy and his cutie mark. At that point, I was pretty sure Dash had a 360 degree field of vision and was wanting to call shenanigans.
Unfortunately, Daring Do beat me to the punch with a single word that started another fangasm. “Caballeron? You saw Caballeron take the ring for the Fortress of Talacon?”
I’m not even sure what happened, but the next thing I knew Twilight literally squeed, and so many Aztec names were being thrown around as the girls tried to out-nerd the other that I couldn’t keep track of them all. Daring Do managed to get away while Twi and Dash were having their…I guess it was a conversation. My mind kind of went off kilter when Dash got the last word in and actually managed to out-nerd Twilight.
It was the most disturbing thing I had ever seen in my life, and I had spent five weeks with Chrysalis.
Dash tried to chase after Daring, but Twilight finally remembered she could juggle houses with her telekinesis and grabbed Rainbow before she could get out the door while I reminded the blue pegasus we had no idea where Daring Do was going, or the ability to track stuff through the forest.
Okay well that’s not exactly true, I could probably follow a horse’s trail if I really bothered to try, but night was fast approaching and we had two of Caballeron’s henchmen to interrogate. Plus Daring Do could fly, so I really would have been following Caballeron.
I managed to get Twi and Dash to go through the downstairs in hopes of finding and looking through Daring Do’s real journals to keep them out of the way while I interrogated the goons.
I didn’t torture them or anything. I didn’t have to. A few words like ‘banishment to the moon’ and ‘potted plants’ along with a mention of how all those statues in Celestia’s garden used to be real ponies made them talk about where Caballeron was supposed to be meeting his buyer. Then I knocked them out and sucked as much energy out of them as I could stomach. I don’t think I even got enough to make up for knocking them out.
Anyway, with some actual directions to where Indiana Jones rip-off villain #3 was meeting with some other loser, the three of us were actually able to head out shortly after dark. What can I say? Pegasi have pretty good eyesight, even in low light conditions, and alicorns have it all, so we were good with the help of Luna’s moon. With that and Dash’s speed, we were able to search the general area and find what we needed to pretty fast.
While under the cover of the underbrush, we crept closer to the clearing where Caballeron and his one remaining henchmen were sitting next to some tents, eating hay. I still didn’t understand how ponies ate hay, but didn’t touch grass. I would have asked but…it probably would have been one of those question that screamed I wasn’t really a pony.
“Where’s Daring Do?” Rainbow asked as she peeked over the bushes to look at Muttonchops and a pony I didn’t recognize who had stubble on his face and a golden skull cutie mark. It really make me wonder if that guy’s special talent was stealing priceless artifacts. How the hell would that even work? I wondered. Did he just break into houses when he was little, or just take other kids lunch money and worked his way up as the years went by?
A second later, Twilight poked her out of the bush to look around too. “I don’t know,” she whispered back. “Do you think we beat her here?”
Oh for crying out loud, I mentally mumbled before looking over to the two of them with a frown. “Who the buck cares! Seriously, the two of you are acting like Daring Do is the be all and end all of everything! Rainbow Dash, you’re a graduate of the Wonderbolt Academy and have how many lives saved under your wings already? And Twilight, YOU’RE A BUCKING ALICORN PRINCESS! ENOUGH WITH THE MODESTY ALREADY!”
“Hey! I’m not better than anypony else!” said Goddess of freaking Magic quickly replied as she backed out of the bush to stand at her full height, making me take to the air so I could still have a height advantage in this argument.
I let out an exasperated groan and rolled my eyes. “I’m not saying you don’t believe in equality, but at least recognize your own self worth! You’re the most amazing magic user I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a ton of them!” Technically it was true, as the entirety of the changeling hive could use horns.
The sound of somepony else clearing his throat made us look over to the camp, and we both shared an embarrassed look while the head treasure thief gave us a tired expression. “Would you two like some privacy?” Caballeron asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Princess would you please zap them this time. I really don’t mind the whole stealing my bodyguard thunder if that’s what you’re worried about,” I told her a second before Twi lowered her horn.
“No problem Flash,” the alicorn replied before I had to look away from the flash to conserve my night vision. When I looked back, Caballeron and Muttonchops and been replaced by…babies? Okay, foals would probably be more accurate with the pony thing and all, but they had lost about thirty plus years.
With the fight apparently over, both me and Rainbow moved into the clearing to stare at the infant horses before they started crying. “Uh, Twilight…I thought you couldn’t do magic like that,” the pegasus mumbled.
Of course Twilight blushed at the observation on her skills and cleared her throat before she looked away. “Well…that’s the difference between an alicorn and a unicorn.”
All in all I found it a little creepy. Changelings were pretty much the be all and end all of metamorphic magic, so I wasn‘t worried about the alicorn making me need diapers again or anything, but seeing Twilight just casually zap a pair of ponies back to their pre-verbal years was a little disturbing. At least when I killed stuff, it died like it was supposed to, not regress to infancy.
For a moment, I found myself remembering back to the Magic Duel episode, and before the whole thing replayed itself in my head, I wondered if I should just go snag the damn Alicorn Amulet and see what it could do for something that could go toe to toe with a real alicorn under the right conditions.
“Flash? You okay?”
I snapped back to reality, and looked over to Twilight. “Sorry, just…having bad babysitting flashbacks,” I lied. I never babysat a damn day in my life and I never would, thank you.
A second later, Dash came flying over towards us with the ring of Tenoct-whatever around her neck. “Alright, we got the ring! Now what? Give it back to Daring Do when she shows up?”
“Oh, she’s over there,” I said as I pointed towards a bush on the far end of the clearing. Me and Dash hadn’t been the only one to be awestruck by Twilight’s one-shoting the bad guys, and I could smell emotions when I wanted to after all.
Admittedly I had opened my psychic nose when Dash started mumbling about Twi’s magic out of fear there might have been some jealously brewing, a smell I was well familiar with in the hive. Surprisingly, there wasn’t, no fear either. The pegasus trusted and supported the alicorn completely. A second later, Daring Do poked her head out of the bush and frowned at me. “How did you know I was here?”
Oh come on no one questions Pinkie’s shit, how come I get stuck in the hot seat all the time? I mentally asked. “I could see your hat from the air after Twi pacified the bad guys.” What can I say? Living around pastel ponies made making puns pretty easy.
Daring Do just let out a groan and marched over to where Rainbow Dash held the One Ring. “Fine. Thanks for the help. Now hand me the ring and leave before Ahuizotl shows up, and you can get out of my way.”
And that was when my suspension of disbelief died.
I’ll admit, Daring Do being real, it stretches the realms of possibility, but when it comes down to it, she’s just a damn pony with an ego who writes self-insert fiction! Ahuizotl was a whole new species! Not to mention the connection to Mesoamerican myth it supposedly represents!
“OH COME ON! Do you honestly expect us to believe some kind of three-handed, monkey-dog…thing is going to come to come just waltzing in here and-”
The sound of trees being pushed over cut my rant short, and I looked over to the direction of the racket to see the Aztec monster of myth charge through the forest. “DARING DO!”
I didn’t have the brainpower to keep flying, and was only vaguely aware of my ass hitting the ground while I just gaped at the impossible sight before me. Okay…screw the whole Supernatural Heaven thing. This is Hell. I’m in some sort of cartoon fantasy Hell where everything sacred about My Little Pony is being torn to shreds. At that point, I was ready for Tlatoc to just come down and get into a fight with the pegasi and Zeus over who’s supposed to be controlling the weather!
I didn’t even give much of a shit that the monkey-tri-hand-dog was trying to kill Daring Do. It was the lesser evil fighting the greater one. They could duke it out for the rest of time for all I cared.
Hell, even Rainbow went back into fan girl observation mode. I’m guessing it was her way of dealing with the bat shit craziness of the whole situation involving fictional characters being real too. Took me a week to get over the whole ‘Welcome to MLP’ back home, so it was pretty understandable.
Twilight on the other hand, she had her head on straight and pointed her horn at He Who Also Did Not Belong to send a purple death ray at him; at least that‘s what I think it was. The beam struck the creature directly in the chest and there was a bright flash.
A second later when the light subsided, all three of us just stared at the completely unharmed Ahuizotl, while his Mesoamerican jewelry gave off a faint glow. What the hell? I asked myself, while Twilight mouthed the pony equivalent.
“Twilight! Did you forget in book two, Ahuizotl got the Harness of Huitzilopochtli, that protects him from magic as long as he’s in the Valley of the Sun?” Rainbow asked from her place on the sidelines.
Who the hell names this crap anyway? I swear, it was like listening to an old Dr Strange comic written by Stan Lee. After I recovered, I flapped my wings and got back into the air. “Oh for crying out loud, it’s only one…Ahuizotl,” I said. It kind of threw me off that his species was the same as his name. “We’ve got him outnumbered four to one, let’s just buck him!”
Then the dog-monkey-creature-thing let out the most annoying laugh I’ve ever heard before looking up at me. “Oh you think that, do you?” he asked before snapping his third paw-hand-thingy.
A second later, four shapes emerged from the forest, and I groaned as four predatory felines: a tiger, a leopard, a panther and a lynx, emerged from the jungle along with a fifth little feline figure belonging to a fluffy white kitty. If Angel Bunny was any indication, the smallest and whitest creature would be the most dangerous.
I’ve really got to learn to shut up, I told myself before the tiger jumped at me.
Sheer panic had me flying backwards and up until the giant kitty cat reached the apex of its jump, and I was left out of range. Then it leapt at me again, and I put a few more feet between me and it just to be safe. “Quick, every pony into the air! They can’t fly!”
A second later, I was joined by both of the mares I’m pretty sure were well established friends at this point, and the formally fictitious flying douche, Daring Do.
Secure in my position, with absolute maturity and grace, I stuck my tongue out at the offending creature. “Nah, nah nah, nah nah!” I taunted before looking over to Ahuizotl and doing my best to wave my body at him in a taunt. “Ha-HA! We’ve all got wings, plus that ring, and you can’t get us!”
“Maybe so, but I do have this!” While the Bearers let out a gasp when Ahuizotl held up foal Cavalaron in his tail-hand, I just rolled my eyes. “Surrender, or the foal goes from making messing, to being one!”
Yeah right, like we’re going to-
“Okay we give up, just don’t hurt him!”
God damn it Twilight!
So I had to live through the old being captured by the bad guy who threatens his hostage cliché. And since the three handed monkey-dog held onto the kid the whole way there, we didn’t have much of a choice but to follow.
Okay, I had a choice between following as I was supposed to, or changing into my real form, jamming my horn into Ahuizotl’s skull, ripping off his oversized necklace with my holy hooves and then firing a concussion beam from my horn to spread his gray matter halfway across Equestria. But I chose the path that kept Twi and Dash from finding out I as a soul-sucking, shape shifting insect.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ashamed of what I am…really! It’s just, disappointing Twilight is like waving a steak in front of a starving dog before you eat it yourself while standing in front of Pooch’s cage. It’s an evil only the most dastardly of men would do!
Well anyway…because Mr. Mesoamerican Myth had two foals as hostages and Twilight could only create one teleportation field at a time, we actually walked willingly into the bad guy’s Temple of Doom to be shackled to four walls in a death trap that involved a big room being flooded with water.
Added to this predicament was the fact that the shackles Twi had on were etched with some weird runes, and something told me our Alicorn Goddess of Magic and Princess of Friendship wasn’t going to be turning anything into potted plants for awhile.
The first thing I can remember thinking was…
Well, at least he’s trying to drown us…that fits with the Ahuizotl myth, I told myself as water started to pour in from above. I did wonder what the hell a room like this was supposed to actually be since the mismatched stones in correlation to the wall we were all chained to had been installed while we watched.
Rainbow Dash didn’t seem the least bit deterred by our impending death. “Ha! You think a little water, is going to stop Daring Do? We’ll just wait until it rises up to our level, then she’ll slip her hooves out and free the rest of us.”
“That’s why were added piranhas to the lake that feeds this room,” Ahuizotl told us. Then, to demonstrate this fact, he tossed the foals into the water. I think one of them was half eaten before it even made a splash.
My jaw dropped and my mind went blank for a few moments as I tried to process what I’d just seen. …that’s not how My Little Pony is supposed to work!
I think Twilight hyperventilated for a good half a minute before she found enough air to scream.
Rainbow Dash’s eyes went wide, and she actually vomited a few seconds later. I absently noted that was another difference between them and real horses, aside from the talking and human society I mean.
Daring Do Nothing just hung there as the water continued to creep up on us.
Then, as Ahuizotl turned to leave, I looked up at the dog freak and frowned. I’m going to murder you for killing Twilight’s innocence you peace of shit, I thought at the creature while the purple princess ran out of breath. I was able to ignore the grisly scene thanks largely in part to the fact I had seen, and caused, worse back at the hive. Also, they were both bad ponies, and horses; I’d put horses down before back home and seen them be put down by others. The whole 'they are animals' idea in my head really helped me deal.
So, with both of the Elements in a bit of shock I looked over to Daring Do with a frown. “Well if you’ve got some kind of magical escape trick or something, this would be a good time to use it.” I figured we had maybe thirty seconds before the piranha reached us.
“Just a second, and I’ll get out of here.” The pegasus struggled with her bonds for a moment. The stone started to give, but when one of the blocks actually slid from out of the wall, the weight dragged her down so much I could see her plan of trying to fly with about 500 lbs of extra weight wasn’t the brightest of ideas.
Rainbow Dash might have been able to pull of the extra weight, she had carried several ponies at once after all, and Twilight had earth pony strength going for her, but DD and I were in real trouble.
Oh who am I kidding? They’re still off in WTF Was That Land, I told myself. Neither of the other ponies would snap out of it before the piranha were nipping at their legs.
As Daring tried smashing one of the blocks she was shackled to against the wall, I saw it start to break all too slowly. “Yeah, something tells me your method isn’t going fast enough.”
“Well excuse me!” she yelled. “I don’t see you coming up with any better ideas!”
The accusation made me wince. The truth was, I had a way out, and it would be simple. All I needed to do was resume my princess form and I could use my magic to levitate us all to safety, blast off our shackles, blow away Ahuizotl’s Aztec-pony goons we had seen on the way in, and then use my TK to lift a five-ton rock I could use to beat the damn monster to death with. Just because he was immune to magic didn’t mean shit if I crushed his bones with falling debris.
But that would mean revealing who I was to Twilight, the end of my days in Ponyville, and probably cause some other problems down the line if the ponies manage to figure out we set the whole bodyguard thing up. Plus, it meant Twilight would probably meet the real Flash Sentry. Not an option.
I frowned and looked down at the water below us. “Hey, you’re an archaeologist. So…if this room has something to add water, it must have a drainage system too, right?”
Daring looked up and over to me, pausing in her escape attempt for a moment. “Yeah, I saw the draining release when they started filling the room. It’s in the middle of the floor.”
Looking down at the water, I frowned at the level of murkiness two pony bodies had added to it. Even with the eyes of a pegasus, I couldn’t see the bottom. “Okay, I’ll go down, slip out of these things, and open it. You…keep breaking out then pull the lever on the sluice before helping the other girls.”
“But…the piranha,” Daring mumbled. “They’ll eat you alive! You’ll die!”
That got Twilight’s attention. “What?” she asked, her head rising to meet my face from across the room.
I chuckled at the pronouncement. “Better me than them,” I replied before looking over to Twilight with a smile. “Really wish I had some cool last words. Ah well, that’s life.” Then I pressed my wings up against the wall and extended them to push my whole body forward before I pulled the blocks from their place in the wall all at the same time.
“FLASH!”
“Ahhhh!” I sung in a crappy manner before playing the other half of the crappy rock song from the 1980s movie in my head, complete with music. He’ll save every one of us!
As soon as I hit the water, the piranhas swarmed me, and I let the stone drag me down quickly before turning back into a changeling princess. The stupid fish broke their teeth of my natural armor, my legs slipped out of their bonds thanks to the holes, and I sent a destructive beam of magic through my horn to blow a hole in the ground beneath me.
…
What? You were expecting me to just kill myself or something? How the hell would I even be here telling you the story then?
But it was the end of my Daring Do adventure, and a HUGE pain in the ass to set things up so I was found alive. See, I did find the drain and started to be washed away to safety, but to make sure Rainbow and Twilight didn’t follow me down or something, I had to blast a whole new underground tunnel and have it collapse behind me before I tunneled through miles of rock and came up in a safe location when I started running out of air.
Then, because I didn’t have Flash Fucking Sentry’s body nearby to copy, I couldn’t resume my cover. So I had to fly BACK to Ponyville after copying the form of some twit I saw flying around the edge of Vanhoover, change back into Flash Sentry, grab as much as I could to eat from our stored food, THEN fly all the way BACK to the Vanhoover area as Flash to wander around for about a day before I got spotted by a patrol of royal guards that had been searching the area.
The whole thing took about three days, with my 24 hours as Flash being constant activity of nothing but flying. All of that action burned up most of my stored magic reserves that I had accumulated in my seven weeks of life.
Of course Twilight didn’t take the whole ‘Flash died to save me’ very well when it happened. From what I hear, she apparently went all alicorn god-mode and turned the pyramid to sand, then melted or transmuted it (not sure which) all into glass, with most of Ahuizotl and his goons still half-buried. I still don’t know if she actually killed any of them, Twi and Dash aren’t really talking about the whole thing.
What makes it even worse is Daring Dickwad is apparently making us all characters in her next book. So its either going to have a bunch of new characters show up out of the blue at the end to ruin the story, or take liberties and have us there from the very beginning.
…I wonder if I can get her to write the thing with Rainbow secretly in love with Twilight, and the two of them getting together when its done? I might actually read something like that.
Okay so, where was I?
So the royal guard picked me up, and guided me to this emergency command post in the Valley of the Sun that Twilight had set up. Apparently, she had stopped being so reluctant with her princess authority and called out all the stops to find me, sending Rainbow to Canterlot with a personal message to Celestia… The guys who said they were looking for my body got to spend a few minutes as potted plants, or so Rainbow says.
Then, I actually finished up with my medical exam…
After my exam, it became a proven fact that doctors can make even a species that walks around naked most of the time feel uncomfortable. I was just glad my metamorphosis had been able to hold up under examination, because I did not have enough power to pull another hypnosis trick out of my ass.
Or maybe my uncomfortably had stemmed from the fact Rainbow Dash had been in the room the whole damn time, going on about what happened. “And then Twi was all ‘you monsters’ Bam! Zap! And three of those tribal ponies got turned into palm trees! I took out two of them that tried to sneak up on her! It was awesome.”
I was just lucky that Twilight was still out in the field searching, or she would have probably been the one doing the exam.
“That’s cool and all, but how did that happen?” I asked before pointing to the jar on the desk that Daring Do was rolling back and forth while giggling.
Inside, a three-inch tall Ahuizotl was running around to keep from being tossed around by his prison’s movements. “I’ll get you for this Daring Do!”
Rainbow Dash giggled. “Oh, after Ahuizotl started to break out from where we kind of buried him, I swooped down and took his anti-magic necklace, and then Twi put him under glass permanently.”
“I think I’m going to make him my new pet!” the pegasus archeologist exclaimed with a bright smile that made her look like Rainbow Dash’s long lost sister.
“So what happened to the neckla-”
“FLASH!”
I looked up at the call of my not-name and blinked when I saw Twilight standing at the entrance to the medical tent. Her hair was slightly ruffled, and the bloodshot condition of her eyes told me she hadn’t been getting much sleep lately. I found myself more than a little put off over the fact it had all been because of me.
“Twilight, are you okay?” I asked the disheveled mare.
The alicorn stared at me for several seconds, and I saw Daring Do motion to Dash they needed to leave. As soon as they were gone, Twilight stomped her hoof down. “AM I OKAY?” she shouted. “Am I…WHAT WERE YOU THINKING YOU IDIOT?”
“Twi-gah!” I managed to get out before the alicorn tackled and I found her forelegs wrapped around my body. A few seconds later, I could make out her sobs. “Uh…Twilight?”
“Stupid…why did you…stupid stallion.”
A blinked and tried to fight her off of me as gently as I could, not the best of ideas when dealing with alicorn strength, I’ll admit. I think her rising up to meet me face to face had more to do more with the fact she moved than I moved her. “Twilight, I don’t understand. What’s wrong?”
Hell, I was okay and everything, she shouldn’t have been freaking out the way she was. I had enough trouble understanding human women, pony girls were something I would never even begin to decode.
“You don’t…you…fine!” she exclaimed before yanking me up while moving her head down to lock her lips with mine.
It wasn’t that great a kiss, or even super sexy since there was no tongue, but the amount of suction alone drew me into the moment, and I took a few seconds to form a coherent thought. Ah shit. This is not going to end well.
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I like this version of the Daring Do episode much better than the original, except for the fact that Flash Sentry saved the day. Good thing it wasn't relay Flash
Haven't finished reading this chapter but I love the meta-humor making fun of fanfictions.
gave me
conceited
worst kind (this reads better as the singular)
out of fear that there might have been; out of fear that there was
writes
out I was
revealing
it's
Flash would actually be cool if he was a Flash Gordon expy...
Hello, corn. My name is mustard. You're yellow.
Don't you dare insult that song.
4616613 saviour of the universe!!
That was great! Thanks!
5512397 I know right...
And the worst part is that he is conveniently fudging the facts for himself.
If anything...
DARING DOO IS WRITING AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY!
BUT SHE ISN'T SCREW YOU!
I know I'm kind of raining down on the parade, but in reality I enjoy this, very much.
Ah well that answers my previous question. And knowing is half the battle.
Yeah, it won't.
5424464 I finally got that one
This always get a laugh out of me. Heck the whole chapter makes me laugh.
5801796 It's kinda an oddball reference unless you've seen the actual movie or Ted recently.
BABALITY!
The Hard-on continues
Gonna stop here after giving this a second wind, his hard-on for Twilight and the main 6 in general has killing my enjoyment of an otherwise good fic.
Oh the irony is strong with this one...
Story is starting to redeem itself.
You do know that it's not a “self-insert” if the story is about your actual life, right?
That would make it more of an autobiography than a work of fiction. And as such, you are always the star of your own autobiography. After all, it is about you.
LOL!
Changeling Prince(ss) to the rescue!
FLASH! AAhhHHHH!
I'm going to have to stop here that hard-on for twilight killed my interest
the whole age spell is scary as hell
also potted plant ponies are scary too
twilight is very OP in this world i guess
7467059 she is un cannon too, she's an ALICORN.
Surely he should have seen this coming?
Maybe good for those reserves though...
7467059 when she got her cutie mark she trned her parents into potted plants.
I think he should say:
memecrunch.com/meme/I6QF/i-ll-be-back/image.jpg?w=400&c=1
Wow, your protagonist is really an asshole. I've got no problems with the writing itself but damn. You would think he's borderline autistic the way he puts the mane 6 on a pedastool in this chapter. Damn alicorn worship.
7783782 Pedestal.
I say he thinks like that because he was in the changeling bootcamp. Otherwise I would say that he takes it a bit to far with the respect.
I know I should hate it, but since I know it isn't Flash I kind of like it.
7783782 Well yes maybe he takes it a bit to far.
When i found this story, i thought i had found a fimfiction classic (old story that is actually finished and has a lot of likes). I find that it might be that but i am in the minority here, I dont like this story. The main character is a complete asshat who has such a hard-on for the main 6 that it is borderline stalker/creeper (i mean seriously, one moment he was spouting things about free will/democracy and then the next he's saying Daring Doo should be killed for not bending over for Twilight). He constantly is switching emotions/mindset between (this is real life to this is a cartoon) to try to justify his actions (which can be entertaining to just downright abhorrent/WTF). The story itself is fine, i guess, but the main character just kills the joy (even with his rare clever/witty jokes). I know that many others seem to have enjoyed this (if the likes are to be understood) but this isn't my cup of tea. So long author, I hope things go well for you in your future stories.
conceited
off
teeth on
should probably all be small
This guy is officially retarded, I'm not sure how much more of this I can take before I drop this fic entirely.
8060719
You're not the only one who thinks so.
Oh the delicious irony.
8657343
I think i got lead poisoning just from reading that
The moment you realised that realism can be a bitch to slap you with a vengeance...
Well done 
7726318
DAAAMN! Nice one
I love this fic its so different
Every chapter quite the ride 
If Twilight can make someone younger she effectivly made imortality for mortals
Then magic an endless god damned pit under him and let gravity do the work. Or crush him by dropping rocks on him. Or make the floor under him slipt and crush him. Or levitate him to the sky and let gravity do its work. or just impale a tree on him. Or just smack him with 80 different rocks and sticks in the environment until he bleeds to death. Or just teleport a rock in his heart. hell, teleport a bolder in him or the other way around. Who cares at this point? Just teleport the bolder on top of him. Or just make a portal to a magicless world under him. Or have rainbow sonic Rainboom kick him dead(Smiles HD). Maybe light him on fire or drown him using magic things. Oh, Idea portal him to Tartarus! Or go invisible and backstab him in the heart.
.....*looks up and checks the description of the story*......I suppose we shouldn't tell her
Huh, not what I expected but at the same time "Oh no, the villain killed the hostages after they served their purpose... what a shock"
That thing could be useful
It's gonna make things complicated that's for sure
Well I certainly expected more from Shade. A year and this is all he has to show for it? Very disappointing Shade