Rainbow Dash Eats a Cookie

Rainbow Dash goes to Sugarcube Corner and acquires a large cookie. Turns out there weren't just chocolate chips...

I am so, so sorry ~~for making another Twilight Sparkle Eats A Peach fic~~.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 9 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 9
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Shrekowski

Shrekowski #1 · Dec 24th, 2014 · · ·

Im sorry to all the people who disliked but i laughed my ass off

Lunatone

Lunatone #2 · Dec 24th, 2014 · · ·

Things you could have done better with this story:

1 Better formatting.

It really vexes me when I see disorganized formatting such as this. You have a huge wall of text which doesn't help the reader's readability. Additionally, your dialogue attribution is an utter mess. I can't tell who is speaking; nor can I distinguish the dialogue from the narration. When you write dialogue, it's essential to know who is speaking; and the only way to do that is by using correct punctuation and dialogue tags (said and asked). But that doesn't mean using a "said or asked" tag with every line of dialogue. You only want to use the tags when necessary. My recommendation is to only use a tag when you think it's needed.

2 Sentence structure.

Literally, you have so many run on sentences, that' I've lost count. It's border line atrocious. And I mean that in the most sincere way. You ought to do some research on grammar and syntactic rules; and if you don't take the time to do thence, you will not get far within the realm of writing. Period.

And Courtney and a popular stored and fiction Don next in order to Brian in order, and the thin yes the computer into computer Indio Computer in your computer and yet the computer and dell computer and your computer in your computer and it ended yet the computer and a computer in your and your computer new your computer and its eight caliber body Z268 caliber bodies yen’s kiss of the eight caliber for bodies ian’s listening to rush listening while filming spread the way older of racism and serve your view caliber of audio open form of inter work at the base copy B and the clipboard bond paragraph from all was written up in one and one have been too low titles of files of old owner victor for warmth of console and means of their balls mean fun reports like goal and an all this was warm and consoled and Mr. Vulva and the new find and replace it electric tail there will fall by the ever browse an arm some growth fund programs treats Britain and bringing in this matter and an in three of its review pool of ole M and be a Dr. Tuesday notions that Mr. Notes over the next folder of the night but fitted broad pony bills and of them men or nuts to more restore the flow of drugs criminals and no end and court were named Paul brewers door Ford kit and fiction Don next in order to Brian in order and the thin end to start the engine."

Okay, firstly, this is an extremely long sentence. Like extreme, extreme. Not to mention there is only one comma within that sentence. Now, long sentences are great elemental structures to have in your writing; for they can set the mood and tone within the piece of writing. In fact, many of the best writers use long sentences to convey their messages; and more often than not, long sentences are most memorable. But I haven't read any novels, essays, or articles with a sentence this long. Nor have I read something so disorganized. My recommendation, make this entire sentence into at least two paragraphs.

That's all I can say for now. If you have any questions, either reply to this comment, or sent me a PM. I'll be more than happy to help.

SylphofHeart

SylphofHeart #3 · Dec 24th, 2014 · · ·

i rolled out of bed laughing omfg this was awesome xD

ChibiChabot

ChibiChabot #4 · Dec 24th, 2014 · · ·

Found it amusing. Poor rainbow dash. Cookies are good. Internet cookies bad.

punzil504

punzil504 #5 · Dec 24th, 2014 · · ·

mresposito.com/temp/illegaloperationbox.gif

ConEditor

ConEditor #6 · Dec 24th, 2014 · · ·

5418991 Thank you for your comment, and that particular instance of a run-on sentence is...actually kind of meant to be that way. However, it's real purpose in the story is solely to pad out the story to over a thousand words. But I will take your advice and fix the story accordingly ~~when I'm bored as hell with nothing else to do~~ when I get the chance. Once again, thank you for your feedback.

Lunatone