Cheese takes Manehattan

Cheesy senses cause Cheese Sandwich to head to Manehattan, where he meets a friend and makes a new one.
But there's something special about this new friend.
Cheese seems to like her.

Alternate title: A Fanfic About an Unpopular ship

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 7 )

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trigrbrony777

trigrbrony777 #1 · Apr 6th, 2014 · · ·

I'm suprised I haven't read much of Pommel. I hope to read more about her and Cheese as well. Background Characters need attention too. You've good a premise here too. Looking forward to how things turn out.

Muffinz 4 Life

Muffinz 4 Life #2 · Apr 6th, 2014 · · ·

Looks interesting.

Yildun

Yildun #3 · Apr 6th, 2014 · 1 · ·

Alternate title: A Fanfic About an Unpopular ship

I'll confess I'm not really into this pairing. I fear it could be one of those distasteful "put on a bus" methods of removing a plausible boyfriend so that another ship can sail free, but I sincerely believe that a good writer can potentially make me enjoy any pairing that they put their passion into. I also totally support Cheese Sandwich as having potential with other ponies. He is not beholden to Pinkie, nor is he destined to be with her, though I love seeing them paired together because they're so cute.

This is going into my read later list.

I note that I can be a harsh critic. While I give the benefit of the doubt, if I end up disappointed later, you'll know it. I am open-minded though, so I do intend to give this a chance. I just don't have time to read this today, so it'll be awhile if I do leave a response.

DoodleDrop

DoodleDrop #4 · Apr 7th, 2014 · · 1 ·

I like this story but I dont like the shipping of these two
Ami rite or ami rite?

Yildun

Yildun #5 · Apr 10th, 2014 · · ·

Boneless 2 holding Cheese's place in line was the best part of this story.

I thought this was okay, but it would have been nice to see more of their interaction together. I don't mind him being instantly attracted to Coco, but beyond the revelation of Coco's birthday coming up soon, they really didn't say much here. In fact, I think hearing about her plans for her birthday should have been a priority, as it would have been a great way to introduce what she's like and to see how Cheese responded to her ideas. In general, getting to see a couple's chemistry in action is the secret to enjoying their relationship together. The tickling was cute but it had no impact (also knowing the details of where he was ticklish would have added to the realism.) Plus, it would be nice to get to know more about Coco Pommel. Although we know a fair bit about Cheese from his introduction, and can guess at a fair bit more thanks to Pinkie, we don't really know Coco, beyond her original position as Suri's assistant, her potential shyness, and her integrity when inspired to stand up for herself. One can guess she is like Fluttershy, but there isn't much information to compare and contrast between them (we at least have some of Cheese's history, for instance, and his different take on being a party pony to compare to Pinkie Pie.) So getting to know Coco better is all up to the writer.

For that matter, why was he even questioning that he was in Manehattan? He lived there before. It's not as if he'd confuse it for anywhere else, no matter how much it changed since his childhood or exactly how his Cheesy Sense informs him of where to go. I could understand if he was uncertain about finding the pony that he needed to, but not where he was. In addition, it would've been nice to see the other ponies in line react to him when he left it and when he jumped back in (though I did really like him taking Boneless 2 being kicked to the front as the sign that it was his turn to order something. But I feel that adding in the reactions of the other customers still waiting in line, whatever that may have been, would have made the joke twice as good.)

Rarity was also kind of underwhelming here (why did she do all those spit takes? None of it seemed that surprising.) I also don't know why he was calling her Rar. While I like the idea of him recognizing her, and being friendly with Rarity in general, it needed some explanation. He only interacted with her once directly in canon and while I could see him taking her enthusiasm towards him as a sign they were friends, I don't know that he'd start calling her by a nickname, unless she asked him to. Her friends don't really use any nicknames for her, if I remember correctly, so I don't think she'd be prone to ask. While it's possible Cheese may just do it out of instinct, it's kind of strange for him to call her something that he made up and didn't hear anyone else say to her at any point when he was around her. He didn't do that with Rainbow Dash and he helped throw a whole big party for her, at her request.

In general, it's not bad. Kind of bare bones, but decent. I liked the idea of them meeting in a doughnut shop and the idea of Rarity being there at the time, it just needed more details and fleshing out. As it stands, none of them feel quite like real people, but you just need to give them more depth. Rarity has a ton from the cartoon itself, so she should be the easiest. Cheese has a good amount. For him, you can extrapolate some more and make up the rest easily enough. Coco is kind of close to background pony territory, but you just need to make up your own history, interests, and motivations for her. Build her character up like you would any OC (most non-Mane ponies pretty much are) and you'll have a lovely ship to sail in.

keam