• Member Since 8th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen August 23rd

Clockwise Gear


I write fanfic sometimes.

Comments ( 7 )

Just so you know, your story was added to the Fallout Equestria Group by G-Man64. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions! :twilightsmile:

Woo, finally got to finishing chapter 1.  I will preface the rest of my comments by saying that I enjoyed the chapter.  I want to see more of Disk, Key, and what the actual fuck is up with those ponies at the end?  Good times all 'round.  But I feel like I would do you a disservice if I didn't offer more in-depth critique.  So, here's a collection of thoughts I had as I was reading.

First up, on the whole I have to comment that the pacing of this first chapter seems a bit rushed.  It has several points such as the very beginning through the first timeskip that are fine.  That said, there were also a few where I stopped and thought to myself that things were moving awfully quickly.  Best example I can think of that is the raider ambush and subsequent fallout.  It didn't quite feel like it had the impact it was meant to, and maybe this is less of an overall pacing issue and more so with the structure of this specific scene.

This is a much more minor hiccup, but when Disk explained the irradiated rainwater, I felt like it was a bit out of place.  Something like that would have been better placed once they were already inside and had secured safety from the aforementioned rain.  I cannot emphasize enough though that this was the only issue I had with some otherwise great dialogue.

But on the positive side of things, I say again that I like your characters and want to know more about them.  High Roller's quest for them is eyebrow-raising to say the least, as I thought it was going to be a simple job until he mentioned wanted the Crystal Goddamn Heart.  I want to see where your story goes!  Or rather where this story that isn't your story goes!

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and maybe this is less of an overall pacing issue and more so with the structure of this specific scene.

I think it also might be because of the massive rewrite Galvin and I did of this chapter and the next when we were a bit into the third. Regardless, I will keep it in mind in the future.

as I thought it was going to be a simple job until he mentioned wanted the Crystal Goddamn Heart.

Working as intended.

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Glad you liked it. Do you have any suggestions on what I could do to make it better?

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Disk seems to be the Ember Island Players version of Katara (from Avatar: The Last Airbender) - "A preachy crybaby who can't resist giving over-emotional speeches about hope all the time", and Key seems to come across as somebody more interested in simply breaking Disk, rather than teaching him to survive in the Wasteland.

We'll have to work on that.

Hopefully Disk will get more chance to use his engineering prowess more, since his medical skills have been on display more often so far.

What does the disease in Vault 25 actually do? Is it just like Rustlung, or has it got specific symptoms?

These will be addressed in the future.

How did Solaris stay in business if their products were on record as being so bad? Even in a free economy (and I see Equestria as being more subsidised), they couldn't slash prices enough to undercut proven producers like Stable-Tec.

Yes, strange isn't it?

What is the age difference between Disk and Key, and Disk and Barrel?

I hate to put definite ages on ponies, but I imagine Disk and Barrel being similar ages, and Key being slightly older than the both of them.

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