My eyes open to see six ponies, who are they? Ah, the Elements of Harmony. Please let me tell you who I am, I am the Elemental Child, I am the the Princess of the Tree of Harmony. My cutie mark is the Elements of Harmony. But you might want to know some more, the truth is... The Elements of Harmony Lie Within My Heart. Princess Twilight and her friends meet a alicorn that came from the Elements of Harmony. They become friends, but all good thing must come to a end. A evil tyrant came to capture the Elements of Harmony and take Equestria. The mane 6 and the other Princesses decide that to protect the pony known as Harmony, they send her to the human world along with Twilight as her guardian. There Twilight and Harmony were born into the human world as sisters. At ten Harmony gains powers, giving her the ability to create harmony among her parents and many others. Twilight discovers Harmony's powers and insisted that she keep her powers hidden. Harmony keeps it under control and hidden, but as she grew older she decided to not hide her powers but to let them go, to let them grow with her. When Twilight heard that Harmony wanted to keep her powers hidden no more, she knew that Harmony was ready to return to Equestria with her, there Harmony defeated the tyrant and remained in Equestria forever. Cover Art by: Leafall
Seriously
Well you need to continue reading when the other chapters arrive to see that her name is not Harmony Tree.
Besides this is going to be a very loved story
And this is the longest chapter I have ever written
I am trying my very best to add soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much detail
Yes! Two authors I like updated on the same day!
Ahem.
I am so proud of you! Honestly, your writing has gotten much better, you take time to add description, take time to add more atmosphere!
But of course we will not stop here yet, no, no, still things to work on, but really, to me, there is no perfection anyways. I struggle a lot too, but at least you update frequently, which is something I can not do.
Anyway... Let's take a look.
OK, so you take more time for the story to build up... Which is good, although some parts dragged on a bit. By "some parts" I mean when Twilight gathered all her friends... This is probably just some of my pickiness getting in the way, or personal opinion, but I don't think it's necessary (although I liked Pinkie's song
). It doesn't add to the plot, really. But it's your decision in the end, just wanted to point out.
Some grammatical errors, periods in dialogue when there should be commas... Little things like that, little, yet repetitive, I can't really point them all out here, or else the comment section will look like some kind of my mindless spam. (because I'm crazy
)
Just please remember to put commas in dialogue instead of periods in front of a "said" tag. Like:
This is incorrect. This:
...is correct. Kind of, since it is a pretty unclear line.
Or you know what you can use? Action tags! They are much funner than the usual "_____ said."
If you don't know what that is, let's give an example:
Not only is the dialogue written incorrectly, but it also contains pointless fillers. Watch now:
That's the magic. And this is where you keep the period. There is no reason to write, for example:
"I hope you learned your lesson," Celestia said, glancing down at her trembling student.
When you can write:
"I hope you learned your lesson." Celestia glanced down at her trembling student.
That actually gives me an idea for a fanfic...
I am interested into seeing more of this. Honestly, you really improved. That is a big achievement.
4232864
I hope you're a troll or just joking. Because, yes, of course she looked at your lovely OC and copied all of your ideas! Just...no.
I really don't mean to offend, but calm down. Even if her OC had the same name... So what? It would be just a coincidence.
4237310 Spark Blaze
I think we have a little misunderstanding.
I never knew about your idea. I never went on line and saw your OC.
I just came up with the Idea and thought that it would be awesome.
I sorry I didn't know that you had the same idea some time ago.
Please keep reading the story as it comes out.
You'll like it, I promise.
4232899
Deleting comments will make the problem go away.
Some errors here and there, but they were still bearable. I have a couple of concerns, though.
How did Twilight know she was a princess already? Perhaps it was because she had wings and a horn, but the reader doesn't know it. Unless you mention it before. Which leads up to:
There was no mention before, that she was an alicorn. So the reader has to pause for a moment and think, "Wait, what alicorn?" Until they realize, "Oh, that's probably Harmony!" Yes, the reader can figure it out, but you don't want him/her to 'take a moment'. It ruins the flow, therefore, makes the story less enjoyable.
This is really unnecessary. You don't need to repeat that her name is Harmony three times!
Even though your writing style is getting better, do add more details, please!
Enough complaints. Time to get to the good stuff.
Now this sounds interesting. I'm actually very curious to know the past.
I have to say, so far I like Harmony. It's still too early to early on in the story to say that she is a well rounded character, though.
Anyway, I'm interested in what's going to happen next. I'm definitely going to read on.
4299447
Thanks, I am excited to see what you think about the upcoming chapters.
I fix those by the way.
Thank you for your support.
This story has cought my intrest. I will be keeping an eye on it.
4361816
I hope you will enjoy the rest as it comes out
I don't know how all of that happened or how it's possible... But I want to know more! It is original, to say the least. But I would definitely work on the pacing. I'm going to sound like a broken record now, aren't I? SInce you hear it from me all the time. But it's crucial, so I'll repeat again, if I need to.
Ooh, I liked this chapter. But once again, pacing.
umm... okay... good arrival and all that, but lacks explanation
so much story, not so much explanation
I got first! And I love the story so far hope to see an update soon
4890586
I'm glad you like it!
I am very interested. I hope to see more soon.
5365194
Thanks!