Studious, bookworm, and researcher.
These are the words that do not describe Twilight's daughter, Starburst.
The two rarely see eye to eye, and tensions between them are high. But when Twilight takes in one of her daughter's friends, Anthea, as her own student, it leaves the pegasus feeling like her own mom has abandoned her. With tensions already running high, will this sudden change in Star's life cause her to go over the edge and destroy the relationship she has with her mom?
Set in the kilala97 universe, whose art I recommend you check out, these next generation ponies are based off the pairings she ships, and who their kids are. A special thanks to TheMyth for some assistance, Kilala97 herself for taking a look at it, and my friends on Skype for giving their suggestions as well.
EDIT: Featured on 4/5/2014! Wow! Didn't think it'd get there, but thanks!
omg
over 23,000 words?
wouldn't have been easier to split it up?
Sweet, new story. And a one shot! Better read this now at four am and then—
... Maybe later on tomorrow I'll start.
Still, a like for the idea.
4184931 Maybe so.
4184934 Thanks. Hope you'll like it.
Ahhh finally...kilala97 hinted at this story when I saw the cover on the DA page so it's time to read!
4184934
4184931
Alright, split the story into two chapters.
4185096
sweet.
but now, its to late at night. to tired lol.
but i will tomorrow.
4185096
Sweet, tomorrows gunna be a good day for reading.
Hmmmm I guess this didn't format correctly.
Other than that I really enjoyed this piece of work
4185149 I'll take care of that. Thanks for reading it.
4185105 Okay.
4185103 Very well
Found some more
and also lol
Nice story by the way.
4185247 Geez, I didn't think I left that many mistakes out there. Thanks again.
The part I italicized seems a little confusing. It's like Twilight was going to say more when she said, "so that once your magic hits it," but what she says next doesn't quite fit the sentence. Seems like a phrase is missing...
Sometimes you capitalize the word after the quote when it shouldn't be. (like "Hi," She said.)
I don't really feel sorry for Starburst at all. She's kind of a cunt to her mother. Making me wonder, who did Fluttershy hook up with to have a unicorn foal?
Starcunt still needs a serious 5 hour beating for what she did.
4185452 Weird how that error happened. I never placed an italicized format there. I'll fix it.
4185507 Anthea is an orphan actually. Fluttershy is the only one of the Mane 6 in the kilala97 universe to be a single parent. Although the artist herself has said that she's got a big soft spot for BulkShy and could do that shipping.
Kids can overreact sometimes, I feel bad for star and unfortunate for Twilight who didn't see what she was doing to star.
4185507 Annie is adopted. It was in one of the stories. Fluttershy adopted her. I wonder what happened to Flash in this universe though, in other stories he is still alive.
Nice story, but is Flash Dead or is he away at work?
You called Anthea "Athena" at least once.
Sorry, I can't say I like this story. I feel no sympathy for Star who was acting like a completely selfish little brat through the whole story and isn't prepared to show a slimmer of respect towards anything her thick skull doesn't deem as worthwhile, and yet it feels like you, the author, expect me to actually feel sorry for her predicament and somehow expect me to agree with Fluttershy's silly assessment that Twilight was somehow in the wrong at any point of this fic. Sorry, but I don't.
What we saw was Star acting like a self-important brat who is too good for the advice her mother wants to give her (you'd think listening to an Equestrian princess whose brother used to be the captain of the Guard would be a good idea when it comes to tips about how to make it to the top, rather than a grunt meathead who doesn't know anything beyond pushups and jogging), constantly brushes her off (and considering what she has been up to in her days, Twilight could easily teach her a thing or two dozen about fighting as well, at least on the level Star would be ready to tackle at first, another thing she simply dismissed) and is condescending in both tongue and behavior, and yet throws a tantrum when Twilight gets a student who actually appreciates what she has to teach?
Ha! That little spoiled brat isn't going to be a guard anytime soon, or if she makes it in I expect bootcamp to administer some severe attitude adjustment in short order. A spanking is what she deserves more than anything, and if she is jealous of the praise Twilight gives to others, she better start doing something praiseworthy instead of rolling her eyes and blowing her off.
So ... yeah, this story basically left a bad feeling in my mouth, because most of it was about Star being an absolute flankhole and in the end managing somehow to get away with it, with the story trying to justify it. Thanks, but no thanks.
4186028 I suppose that may be your opinion but just because you dislike a part of the story, especially a character, you cannot hate the writer and story. Like in Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy was disliked, but then you cannot criticize the writer or the book because the character was implemented as a bully. Then in The Hunger Games, President Snow was a villain forcing innocent people into the Hunger Games but he is MEANT to be hated. So please, just write you disagree with the story and write something positive, the writer may even be upset because hard work was hated upon.
4185822 He's off on deployments, as it was stated. He can't really be there for the family when he's off somewhere else in Equestria or abroad and he can't take any time off.
Lay and Lie
Unless she was telling falsehoods while in bed.. lied in bed doesn't make sense XD
Otherwise a nice concept, needs some proofreading and such, but it isn't bad.
4186178 Thakyou. I guess I didn't notice that.
4185665
You didn't. I just italicized it so to highlight it. Probably should've just posted only the phrase, though.
Flash Sentry 0/10 would not read
4186951 wow, why do people hate him so much?
4186028 Your feedback is appreciated and I do thank you for the criticism. The angle I was aiming for was that Star and Twilight used to be very close until Twilight had nothing left to offer her daughter. Star was feeling like her own mom didn't really care about her anymore and became resentful to her. What I was trying to do was make it so that Star wanted to be with her mom again and spend time with her, and I do admit I didn't exactly hit the mark. I also admit I did go overboard on her bitterness instead of trying to make her feel a bit more sympathetic.
Sorry this story didn't appeal to you, but thanks again for the comment.
4186058
I was just skimming the comments to see what the pairings in this are, and as such I have not read it. Still, I can't disagree with your comment more.
First off, there's no such thing as an invalid reaction. A reader can and will dislike a story because of a character, an event or a direction no matter how "valid" they are to the story. Someone certainly could hate Harry Potter and hate JK Rowling for writing it, because the actions of the Malfoys cease to make it enjoyable. It happens. People are different, their experiences and opinions are different, and they want to read different things.
None of that actually matters, though, if as 4186028 says, the story is written as if you should have empathy for said character. If a story tries and fails to invoke empathy, that's not only "valid", but important feedback that the author should know—which is how the comment was presented. It was clear critique, not a 'hate' post. The first and last sentences even show that the poster feels awkward for having to say so, so don't get upset with them for doing so.
4187640 I do take criticism and try to learn from it. I wasn't trying to make Starburst into a brat, I was going for an angst daughter who's a bit apathetic. According to kilala97's profile on her, Star doesn't really relate well to her mom. This was what I was going for, not try to make her look like a spoiled brat. Now I do admit I did cross the line somewhat with some of the stuff I made her say, but I wasn't trying to make her a completely unlikable character.
I do understand though the problem with Star and her attitude. Maybe one day I'll go back and fix it, but for now, I'll just leave it be since I need to think of what to do.
I have found a few little things that could be fixed in this wonderful story, and here they are.
That Quotation mark should be removed.
I think remain focussed would be needed here.
Flora and fauna covers plants and animals respectively, wildlife is not needed.
But other than those I saw nothing else really wrong with this, continue to beautiful writing.
Trixie should of been in this
Wow. Just wow. Awesome!!!
4185822 work
Huh. I really have mixed feelings about this story. Like any story, it DEFINITELY has its flaws. But like any story, it also has its high points. I disagree with some people in the comments. I think that Star isn't acting like a childish brat. She's acting like a child. Actually, she's acting like a teenager. She is immature, but she is a kid. She, just like Spike, didn't know any better. Now, aside from a few grammatical errors and some awkward sentences, this was written/ edited very well. It did make me ball my hands into fists, or smile sympathetically at points, but it didn't generate any major emotion from me. The best thing about this though, is that the characters are written realistically. Yay! That's hard to do in a story like this..... Also, Night Light was adorable! I'm imagining him as a 5 1/2 year old child..... One thing that could make this better, however, is saying how old Star is. I think this would be more realistic if she was a teen, but this doesn't explicitly state that she has her cutie mark..... so she's probably a child. If you said something about her mom not being as excited when she got her cutie mark or something, this might help us find out her age. The characters (and side characters) were written well in this story, and I only have one more major complaint. The friggen museum! That was far fetched. I find it very hard to believe that there is a museum like that, since those two things don't relate in the slightest. That stretch of logic just... just... No. Still, you have earned a like, sir.
4187123 FOOL! It is because he stole a waifu, and his tale did not begin in the 12'th century.
It seems Twi's watched a bit too much G.I. Joe. ALSO: why hasn't Twi mentioned that her brother was captain of the royal guard?! I mean, I know he lives in the Crystal Empire, but maybe he could visit Ponyville to tell Starburst the things she might need to become a part of the guard? After all, firsthand experience is the best kind...
4189406
4189406 yeah... You lost me at waifu....
There are lots of grammar errors but overall its a nice story.
4188278
The problem is, I think, that you didn't give Star any redeeming qualities. Not relating well to her mother is a fine setup for a story and "could" make for a sympathetic character and a plight that the reader could emphasize with ... if not for the fact said plight seems to come solely from Star being a brat, and thus entirely of her own making.
It's not just that she doesn't relate well to Twilight - it's that she is being rude and disrespectful almost all the time, from huffing and puffing to rolling her eyes to dismissing her whenever Twilight says anything, to outright walking out on her. If it wasn't her mother she was dealing with, any other person would have long since told her to go take a hike. She is, obviously, too good for advice.
This isn't helped by the subject matter - her wanting to be a Captain of the Guard. Being an Equestrian princess, and a close sister of the previous Captain, Twilight is actually uniquely qualified to know what is required of one and to give suggestions towards achieving said goal. Ergo, when Twilight says Star needs more theoretical knowledge, she is objectively right.
Being a Captain isn't going to be about doing pushups all day long or jogging around the palace - it's going to be about sitting in the office, organizing patrol schedules, handling troop rotations, reviewing personnel files and orchestrating Guard responses in cases where their intervention is required. To do so effectively one needs to be smart and well-read and knowledgeable about all manner of military topics. Brainless jogging and pushups won't get you further than being a basic grunt. Star's refusal to even consider this (and to listen to a pony very much qualified to comment on it) again shows her in ill and bratty light.
Hell, she'd rather blow Twilight off and tell her she is going to read comics instead - that's quite insulting on her part. What, exactly, does she expect Twilight to praise her about? Her stubborn refusal to listen to valid advice and bad attitude? There are no grounds for me to feel sympathetic about Star not getting praise, because she hasn't shown to be deserving any, which makes her come across as entitled and bratty.
At this point Fluttershy's little speech to Twilight can't really sit well with me, because she felt way off the mark in trying to tell Twilight that she has been treating Star wrong, when the opposite is more true than anything. Which is where the bad taste comes in, because at this point it feels like the story is trying to validate Star's behavior and trying to force through the stance that she has actually been right about acting the way she has, while I could hardly find it more disagreeable. At this point I already feel like the message/theme you want the story to convey, and what it actually conveys, don't line up well.
And then we get to the point where we learn that Star actually wants to simply spend time with her mother (I didn't necessarily get that impression previously, but ok, I can work with this). I can even get behind her finding reading so abhorrent (I hope she realizes she will never make Captain, or any officer rank, with that attitude) that she wants to do so while engaging in some physical activities.
And Twilight actually offers to teach her how to fight! Awesome, right? She gets to spend time with her mom and she gets the exercise she supposedly wanted, right?
Wrong. What does Star respond with? With what amounts to "Pff, what could you possibly teach me about fighting!" (Quite a lot actually, considering you are a complete rookie and Twilight has been in her share of scrapes and tumbles back in the day, so it's more than adequate to start with, and she could probably hand you your flank with both wings tied behind her back).
Again, she completely blew Twilight off in a fairly insulting manner while dismissing the possibility she might actually have advice for her. So which one is it, do you want to spend time with your mom doing physical activities or not? Does she even know herself what she wants? She is also constantly waving off her friend instead of doing anything to support or encourage her.
And that's why she is a brat with no redeeming qualities - she is too good for advice, she is consistently rude and dismissive of Twilight and she isn't willing to put in the slightest slimmer of effort to get along with her - and the whole "wants to spend time with her doing physical activities" sounds like an empty excuse to act bratty, because she dismissed Twilight when the alicorn was offering just that.
I don't believe there is a single instance in the story that would leave me wanting to say anything positive about Star, and she doesn't seem to have any redeeming qualities at all - she displayed no positive or sympathetic traits through all of this, which is I can't possibly feel good about a story that expects me to feel sorry for her - I have no emotional reason to.
it said peachish pegasus in the middle, but overall, it was good. well, not good, but AWESOME!!!!!
I almost cried. almost. okay okay I did!
4189782 They hate him because he is the romantic interest of Twilight, therefore making any shippings, or pairings, completely impossible instead of just unlikely. He stole Twilight away from all the romance authors. Authors like to be original and like to immerse their readers fully in the story. If their story is impossible then you don't get the same experience or joy since you know that it will never happen, even if it did in this particular story.
P.S. A waifu is, according to definition,
In a shipping pair, there are two people/ponies together and a waifu is the love of one of them. If, for example, you have a crush on a cartoon character then they are your waifu.
*le read the fanfic*
[youtube=Gg3I5ZflnC0]
Oooh... full name ultimatum.
bit.ly/16IAu63
I dont know how to feel about this... I mean I liked it but wow Star, entitled biyoch much?