A Freshly Cut Diamond- Season 4 - The Lost Episodes- One

by Matthais Unidostres

Cold Open

In the old Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters in the Everfree Forest, Princess Twilight was sorting through piles of books in the library, with Spike's help of course.

"I can't believe it! All these books, lying abandoned in this place to rot away!" Twilight said in a horror struck voice. She suddenly picked up a tome and hugged it close to her chest. "Don't worry," she said in a kind, sweet tone, patting the book gently, "Twilight's here. She'll protect you."

Spike rolled his eyes and groaned audibly as he carried a tall stack of books that was three times his size. "Twilight's we've been at it for hours. It's almost sunrise! Can't we go back home no- WHOA!" Spike suddenly lost his balance, and the tall stack he was carrying wobbled dangerously. He backed up quickly in attempt to re-balance himself, but the topmost book ended up falling off.

Twilight quickly used her magic to catch it, and she levitated it over to her and blew the dust off of it. "Hmm. . .'Dangerous Artifacts'. . .I wonder if it has further information on the Alicorn Amulet, like who made, when, and why." Curious, Twilight opened the book to a random page. "Heh. Hey Spike, listen to this. 'The Tiara of Malice, a deceptively plain looking head piece that corrupts the wearer the moment it is placed on the head. Once worn, the corruption becomes permanent as long as the Tiara is whole. Simply taking off the Tiara does not remove the corruption, although the wearer will develop a strong attachment to the Tiara and insist on always wearing it; although, again, removing the Tiara has no effect on the corruption. Should the wearer die, then and only then will the Tiara be able to latch onto a new host. The Tiara of Malice provides no physical, magical, or spiritual effects. It's only effects are changing the wearer's behavior to an antisocial, often criminal, personality. It also removes the wearer's sense of moral responsibility and social conscience.'"

"Wow, that sounds awful," Spike said, still carrying the stack of book.

"Indeed. This might be even worse than the Alicorn Amulet. Hopefully this thing has already been destroyed," Twilight said, then she brought her attention back to the book. "I wonder if there's an illustration in here?" Twilight turned the page, and gasped in horror. "SPIKE!" she screamed.

"WHOA!" Spike shouted as he fell backwards, books falling around him.

"Spike! Take a letter! Quickly!" Twilight said in a panic, her eyes glued to the book in front of her.

"What is it? What?" Spike asked nervously.

"Doesn't this look familar to you?" Twilight said nervously as she turned the book towards Spike, and pointed a hoof at the meticulously well drawn and colored silver diamond encrusted tiara depicted on the page.

---

Comments

[Sunset_Shimmer83]

awesome start so far. I love how you put the opening theme song at the end. very clever

[Autism Man]

I like the concept of the story, the grammar is good and the style of writing is good.

But the insertion of the video ruins the immersion completely and instantly puts me in a "Oh god another one trying to make his story look like an episode" cringe.

In regards to that though, if you can follow up by making the rest of the fanfiction look and feel like an episode then I can commend you for completing a difficult task, if you feel you cannot do that then I would recommend removing the video. For the sake of keeping readers, gaining more favourites and not ruining the immersion of the story by making it look like well, something you would find a ten year old make.

[0]

I do agree with Diarch, stories are styled so they are enjoyable to read, not to watch.

Some stuff that kind of irks me but it is not wrong (but can be if you do it consistently in the long run):
with Spike's help of course
There was no actuall need to add it. Though, you could have remaked more subtlety.

What is it? What?" Spike asked nervously.
"Doesn't this look familar to you?" Twilight said nervously
You might want to use another word, or better, show it don't tell it. Those kind of tags can get tiring too.

carrying the stack of book.
Typo or hyperbole?

At all it was enjoyable, albeit fast paced, coinciding with your approach of episode-like narration (wich I kind of do not like but well)

[NotAnElk]

Something about the description of the tiara bothered me. I think it might have something to do with

Simply taking off the Tiara does not remove the corruption... although, again, removing the Tiara has no effect on the corruption

the repetition.