Twilight visits Earth
This describes what happened during the missing eighteen hours of my version of The Last Roundup.
You probably should read that first.
Twilight wanted to know more about Earth. I was cool with that. Ever since she’d woken up with me in my apartment, it had been all kinds of awkward between us. If I could get her mind on something else, it would leave me alone to think about ways to get her to never come back.
I mean, it was cool that she now believed that I was actually human, but I didn’t relish the thought of her spending too much time on my turf. Besides, she was a Loyalist. We didn’t need no stinking royalty-worshippers around here.
After getting her used to being in a human body and dressed, we left the apartment. I made sure to lock the door. Unfortunately, crime rates were higher than in Equestria. A sad fact of the economy.
We went out to the parking lot and got in my Plymouth Breeze. It was about the gayest car you could buy in the 1990’s. Too bad it’s 2012. Still, Bree-Z, as my car would be called if it was a rapper, was dependable and easy to park.
Twilight seemed fascinated with the door handles, but ultimately couldn’t figure out how they worked. I had to open the passenger door for her, making me feel rather chivalrous. It felt weird. Way too gentlemanly for me.
I went around to the other side and got in. “You’ll need to fasten your seat belt,” I said, demonstrating with my own.
“Why would you want to be held down?” she asked.
“Safety first. Also, it’s the law. You can be fined if you don’t.”
“You sure have a lot of laws.” I had previously explained to her about why she had to wear clothes.
“Welcome to America.” I stuck the key in the ignition and started the car.
“Oh my God, it’s alive!” I said, throwing my hands up.
Twilight shrieked and clawed at the window. I think she would have started headbutting the glass if I hadn’t given away the joke with my laughter.
She glared at me as I dropped the car into drive and pulled out of the parking lot. It was early Saturday morning, and the traffic was light.
“So what is there to do in your city?” she asked.
“Well, breweries and the Harley Davidson factory are pretty much the only things of note. I know you can’t handle your alcohol, and I doubt you’re interested in motorcycles.”
“Are there other places nearby?”
“Sure.” I reached across her lap and fumbled in the glovebox. I handed her a map of the state.
“You are here,” I pointed.
“Mil-wau-kee,” she said slowly. She tried and failed to pronounce the names of some of the surrounding suburbs. “Where do all these difficult names come from?”
“A lot of places in the United States were named after the last native to leave, if they weren’t named after the first white man to get there. We were basically terrible and took all their land, but they got their revenge with a whole bunch of unpronounceable stuff. I mean, Waukesha? Mequon? Sheboygan?”
“So where do you suggest we go?”
“Well, I could take you over to Madison and show you the state government there. We could go up to Manitowoc and ride the ferry across the lake to Michigan, but that’s boring. I’ve got a better idea.”
“What’s that?”
I grinned. “Chicago. It’s so awesome it’s not even on the map.” …because it was a map of Wisconsin.
“Well, all right, let’s go.” She seemed more enthusiastic than before.
“Set us a course for I-94, Ms. Sparkle.”
“Um, what?”
“Oh boy, you get to learn about the Interstate Highway System, too!”
We were past the Illinois state line by the time I convinced Twilight that President Eisenhower had basically created 40,000 miles of four-lane highway just to screw with the minds of the Soviets. While that may have been stretching the truth somewhat, it proved to be excellent propaganda.
Twilight didn’t understand the concept of feet and inches, and therefore not miles. No pony had ever come up with the idea of a meter, either, so we basically had no way to translate Earth distances into something she could understand.
“It’s big,” I said. “Okay?” I thought of something. “Maybe we can do this another way. How long is an Equestrian year?”
“Three hundred sixty-five days.”
“So is an Earth year. Can we agree that they probably have about the same solar orbital period?”
“I suppose.”
“And if that’s the case, can we say that they have the same mass, and therefore about the same size?”
“That makes sense.”
“Okay, so say that the planet is twenty five thousand miles in diameter, and the United States is three thousand miles wide. Does that give you a good idea how big it is?”
“Not really. Most of the rest of our planet is unknown.”
“You’ve never explored it?”
“We haven’t really been outside of Equestria, no.”
I slapped my hand on the dashboard. “Don’t that beat all. Knowledge of advanced celestial mechanics, but no idea what you’re sharing the planet with.”
“Speaking of celestial mechanics, how do you know all that stuff about orbital periods and whatnot?”
“I used to date a rocket scientist. We broke up. She said she needed some…space.”
Twilight didn’t appear to get the joke.
Chicago itself is buried in a teeming mass of suburbs and municipalities that stretches something like thirty miles in any direction. Through sheer good luck, I made it to I-90 and headed towards the center of the city.
Twilight ducked low in her seat. “What was that?!”
“It’s just an airplane. O’Hare is right over there. It’s the third-busiest airport in the world.”
“You couldn’t have built all those 'airplanes' by yourself.”
I gritted my teeth. I had once told her that I’d invented the concept of heavier-than-air flight.
“Oh look!” I said, pointing out the window. “It’s a mall!”
I really, really, didn’t want to expose her to crowds like that, but I reasoned that it was better than fessing up. I jerked the car off the exit and found a parking space near the entrance.
“That’s a really large building,” remarked Twilight. “What do they do there?”
“Just about everything. Let’s take a look.”
I had let her borrow a pair of flip flops once she discovered that feet are tender and not at all like hooves. It looked weird with the borrowed business suit that one of my exes had left in the apartment, but there was no way I was spending any money on an outfit for her. I was already in deep enough with buying gasoline.
“It’s all so strange,” said Twilight, walking slowly and looking around. “Some of these things I recognize, like clothes, but others I have no idea about.” She pointed to a Radio Shack.
“Indeed.” I could only imagine the horrors of what Twilight could do with advanced electronics.
She sniffed the air. “What’s that smell?”
“What, that guy with BO?”
“No, it’s like food.”
“Kind of a spicy, wholesome smell?”
She nodded.
I pointed over her shoulder. “Probably that gyro shop.”
“What’s a gyro?”
“It’s a sandwich. It’s made of cute baby lambs.”
“Uh…I think I want to go back to the car.”
On the way out, she got distracted by a rack of pamphlets near the door. She plucked one out of its holder. “The Museum of Science and Industry,” she read.
I groaned. I already knew where this was going. I pulled her out the door, although she was still reading and didn’t seem to mind.
“It says it’s the largest science museum in the western hemisphere. What’s a hemisphere?”
“That’s right, ponies aren’t global travelers. A hemisphere is half the planet. The museum is the largest one on this side of Earth.”
“Can we go?” she said. “Please? There’s a coupon in the brochure.”
“Fine.” I supposed it wouldn’t be too bad. I’m pretty interested in Science and Industry.
Truthfully, visiting the museum was about the best thing I could have done to introduce Twilight to humans, America, and the whole Earth. I had no idea what kind of emotions she was experiencing, but I was almost afraid to talk to her for fear of upsetting her mental hard drives. She sure was learning a lot in a short period.
There were trains, and planes, and automobiles. A vintage submarine had its own exhibit. One whole wing was devoted to outer space. There were displays about modern farming, the energy industry, and geology. Freakily enough, there were also a couple of preserved human cadavers cut into half-inch slices.
Twilight looked like she needed a notebook or something. I had no idea how she was supposed to remember everything, but at least she looked happy.
It did get kind of boring, after a while. Spending eight hours in a museum, even the largest one in the hemisphere, was a little too much for me. By the end, I was dragging my feet and glancing at my watch every five seconds.
Twilight nearly got into an argument with the guard who threw us out.
“But there’s so much to learn!” she protested.
“Lady, am I going to have to call the police?”
“Uh, no, we were just leaving,” I said, grabbing her arm.
“You really don’t want to get arrested,” I told her. “With no identification and your fingerprints not in the system, they’d keep you for a long time.”
“But learning shouldn’t be restricted by the time of day!” she pouted. “I wasn’t finished.”
“What was your favorite part?” I asked as we walked to the car.
“I don’t know. The ‘movies’ were amazing. I didn’t know pictures could do that.”
“So you like movies? I think there’s a theater around here somewhere.”
“A theater? Like stage productions?”
“No, movies. Just like the ones in the museum, except longer and fictional.”
“That sounds interesting.”
I managed to find a movie theater and parked the car. Twilight looked at the sign out front.
“What’s Act of Valor about?”
“Killing people.”
She frowned. “What about John Carter?”
“Killing aliens.”
“Titanic 3D?”
“People freezing to death after a shipwreck.”
“The Lorax?”
“Mindless consumerism ruins the environment.”
“Uh, given the other choices, I think I’ll go with that.”
Well, it sucked. Nobody messes with Dr. Seuss and gets away with it. Or maybe I’m just gripping my childhood reading material too tightly. Twilight seemed to enjoy it, even if people kept shouting at her to stop talking during the movie.
Aside from breakfast and a snack at the museum, neither of us had eaten all day. I was somewhat surprised and pleased to discover an Olive Garden gift card hidden behind the car’s sun visor. I vaguely remembered buying it with the intention of going to dinner with a girlfriend, but then we broke up.
I figured Twilight couldn’t object too much to pasta, so I drove to the restaurant. We were seated inside and examining menus before too long.
The waitress was rather prompt, and Twilight was still scanning the menu. “Um, I’ll have the…Zuppa Toscana.”
“But leave out the chorizo,” I told the waitress.
“What?” said Twilight.
“It’s sausage. You can’t have that, you’re Jewish.”
“No, I’m a pony.”
“My version made you sound less crazy.”
“Uh, right, no chorizo,” said the waitress. “And for you, sir?” I gave her my order, and she left.
“Thank you for that,” said Twilight.
I shrugged. “I just didn’t want you to freak out in the middle of the restaurant. Like I said before, you aren’t supposed to exist on Earth, and that could make people nervous if they found out.”
The rest of the meal went very well, and Twilight appeared to enjoy it. At least when she wasn’t watching me devour my steak. She was lucky I hadn’t ordered it rare.
The waitress came back, looked uncomfortable. “Ma’am, I just read the ingredient list for the Zuppa Toscana. It has bacon bits.”
“Real bacon bits?” I asked. “She can’t have meat.”
“Yes, they’re real. There’s also chicken broth in it.”
The ride back to my place was quiet. Not even I was stupid enough to attempt conversation when Twilight was in such a mood.
Well, at least the scene she’d caused at the restaurant had been good enough for a free meal. Emotional trauma? Totally worth it, and it wasn’t even my fault!
“I don’t want to explore Earth anymore,” she said. “I just want to go home, have a nice hot bath, and forget all about this.”
“Alcohol can help you forget.”
She glared at me, and I shut up.
Author note:
Remember the part where Twilight says ponies haven't really explored the rest of their planet? I'm thinking about writing another spinoff where Valiant and the Mane 6 do just that. On a boat.
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FUCK YEAH MORE DREAMS!!
first :p
Edit:
ITS ALIVE! had to stop laughing after a three minute period of heavy laughter and lack of breath
go for the exploration! ill give you a mustacheee
I feel a Lonely Island song coming on...
Get your towels ready it's about to go down!
Well, that was the best chapter yet!
Another girlfriend!??
Hehe.. Meat.
Hmm.. Spike on Earth. That would be awesome.
AND ANOTHER SPIN-OFF!!!
YEAHHHHHH!
I'm imagining Valiant as Equestria's ambassador to unknown lands... I can just imagine the kind of "Diplomacy" he'd get up to.
(chuckles) real bacon bits! (snerks) oh that had to have been priceless!
A spinoff with Valiant doing exploration... (starts singing the 'I'm on a boat' song)
funny!
”How long is an Equestrian year?”
“Three hundred sixty-five days.”
“So is an Earth year. Can we agree that they probably have about the same solar orbital period?”
“I suppose.”
“And if that’s the case, can we say that they have the same mass, and therefore about the same size?”
Pfff. That's some of the most flimsy logic I've ever seen, and that's not even taking into consideration the whole raising the sun/moon issue.
Also, if ponies haven't explored their planet, how come Twilight has a globe in her library?
images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111213005128/mlp/images/thumb/5/50/S02E10_TwilightSpike_WhatsHappeningToMe.png/201px-S02E10_TwilightSpike_WhatsHappeningToMe.png
462465
Equestria's largest marble.
462476
On a frame? Huh, guess Twilight is just a really dedicated marble collector after all.
How annoyed do you reckon she was when the Elements of Harmony turned into necklaces?
462492
I can't say I'd be annoyed if the rock I found in that old castle suddenly went all golden and stuff.
462502
Yeah, but as a marble collector, Twilight would be pretty pissed off that they turned from massive, ancient, super-marbles into gaudy pieces of costume jewellery.
(And it wasn't like they got to keep them, anyway.)
Lmao. I was going through my list of ebooks, to favorite & Thumbs-up the awesome ones. Then I arrived here and discovered an update. I then, apparently involuntarily, had to yell YES! YES! YES!
I'M ON A BOAT! Look at me, motherbucker, 'cause I'm on a bucking BOAT!
565273 Gonna drive this boat to the moon somehow!
I'm the kind of guy that would look at human twilight and say 'damn, is that what kids are into nowadays?'
But you haven't even gotten to the dangerous parts! Like the animals, and the plants, and the diseases, and the storms, and the scary "death by exposure" (i.e. being out of shelter for too long), and let's not forget hot zones where getting a tiny scratch results in your insides slowly melting over the course of several days due to super viruses. Then comes teaching her about Australia.
Ayy! Someone acknowledged our existence!