• Published 31st Mar 2012
  • 7,993 Views, 486 Comments

More Dreams - totallynotabrony

A human-turned-pony hangs out in Equestria and trolls

  • ...

Hooves History (by maskedferret, Super_Big_Mac, and totallynotabrony)

This started out as a comment-driven product between maskedferret and Super_Big_Mac. With me on board it only got nuttier.

Derpy set down her mailbag and groaned happily to herself as she looked about her small home. She could hear her daughter upstairs, more than likely practicing her magic. She sighed wistfully, almost sad knowing that her little muffin was growing up. It’s almost time to show her... The Album, isn’t it? Derpy thought with a shudder.

The Album, of course, was the family album with pictures and stories of all the Hooves who ever lived, and the family tree was as extensive as it was covered with vines. Vines were something that could be considered a disgrace in a family, because it was where relatives had children together, so the family tree didn’t branch out but instead crept down like the term it was named for.

Of course, it wasn’t their fault they were all inbred. That was Discord’s work through an ancient curse and a few other things that Derpy didn’t really understand, nor did she care to. Instead, she focused on the good... or, at least, what good she could find in her own family. Like her beloved daughter, Dinky.

Knowing that it was time for her to tell the story, Derpy started up the stairs. “Dinky,” she called out, “I need to speak with you about something!” There was a gasp, and then Dinky scampered out of her room, a look of worry on her face.

“Yes, mom? Is something wrong? I didn’t do anything I wasn’t supposed to, did I?”

Dinky was trembling as her mother lifted her into a warm embrace. “No, nothing like that, muffin. Mommy just needs to tell you a story...”

A crash came from Dinky’s room, and three other fillies sprawled out into the hallway. “What kind of story?” one of them asked from the bottom of their little pile-up.

“Oh, Sweetie? Mmm... Rarity’s sister, right?”

As the three caped crusaders righted themselves, the pale filly with the two-tone mane gave off a small salute. “That’s me!” She then pointed to her friends, and then at Dinky. “We were assigned to do a class project in groups of three or four, and we’d usually do it by ourselves, but nopony else was partnering up with Dinky, so we said we’d do it with her, too!”

Dinky’s cheeks colored slightly as she scuffed the ground. “They’ve been really helpful. It’s always been a struggle to try and explain how pegasus and earth pony magic works.”

Apple Bloom nodded her head rapidly. “A’yep! An’ with Dinky’s help, we finished it all in one day!” Her smile drooped a bit as she turned to the side. “She’s a whole bunch more organized than any o’ the three o’ us...”

Derpy couldn’t help but giggle; her little muffin was finally making more friends! Maybe having Amethyst help around the house had been a good idea, after all. “Well, if you’re all finished, then I can tell all of you the story.”

Scootaloo’s wings buzzed a little. “What kind of story?”

“It’s the story of the Hooves family tree, as detailed by... The Album.

The four fillies gasped in amazement before pausing and looking at each other in confusion. “Waaaiit,” Apple Bloom drawled. “Why’d ya make it sound all ominous an’ the like?”

“Oh, because this story is one that’s full of amazing adventure, terrible tragedies, lamented loses, copulating cousins, malicious mysteries, and heinous hexes.” Derpy said matter of factly, turning to go back down the stairs.

The fillies all gasped again, turning to look at each other with wide eyes. “Did y’all hear that, girls?!”

Scootaloo jumped into the air. “Hay yeah, I did! Adventure! Mystery! Hexes!” Suddenly looking confused, she turned to look at her other friend. “Sweetie, what are hexes?”

“Hexes are a type of magic that are considered evil, because they are used to curse others, or make them do things against their will.” Sweetie answered with a sigh, having accepted that she was the dictionary of the group.

Scootaloo made an excited squealing noise. “You what we need to do, girls?!”

“Yeah!” Came her enthusiastic reply.

“We need to help Derpy and Dinky solve the mysteries of their family!”


“We need to get Valiant’s voice recorder thingy, bring it over here, and make sure to record the whole story so we can take notes and figure out how to proceed!”

“Wow, Scoots, that’s well thought out for one of your plans,” Applebloom said with a grin.

“Oh, can it, Apple Bloom, I can do thinking well! Anyways,” she said to refocus her friends. “We’re gonna solve all the mysteries, figure out all the secrets, and study all the hexes we come across, because we’re the--”


Half a snack tray and an hour later, the CMC and Dinky were gathered around me in the living room. I kept one eye on the tape recorder held in Sweetie’s magical aura and the other on the pencil and notepad the Crusaders were going to use to keep notes.

“Okay you three, you got permission to stay the night from your families, right?” I asked. The Tumultuous Trio nodded as one, eager to get started. Dinky was looking just as excited as they were.

“We’re ready, Miss Hooves!” Sweetie squeaked out, her voice cracking and the tape recorder bobbing in the aura of her magic. Her two friends nodded their heads eagerly.

I chuckled. “Please, just call me Derpy. If you really want to get formal, then go ahead and call me Derpricilla Goldendove Cordenblanc Hooves.”

Sweetie’s jaw worked for a second as she silently mouthed out the name, before shaking her head. “Derpy it is, then!” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo just looked at each other in bemusement before Apple Bloom shrugged and dutifully wrote it down.

I pulled a rather tattered book with a faded cover out from behind the living room’s small bookshelf, dropping it to the coffee table with a thud disproportionate to its size.

“Woah,” Scootaloo muttered with surprise, scribbling down a few notes.

"This is The Album in all its glory," I apologized. It was a rather sad, ancient-looking book. I could tell the girls were less than impressed and I couldn’t blame them. From it’s worn corners to the misaligned pages and photos poking out from beneath the dark green cover with the faded blue words “Hooves Family Tree: Derpy Hooves copy” in a plain font.

"An' ya say yer entire family's history is in that little ol' book? The Apple Family's history spans almost forty volumes that size, an' even Ah know the Hooves Family has been 'round longer!" Apple Bloom looked at the tome with interest, her eyes wide as if trying to see the entire thing all at once. Scootaloo had been looking at it with boredom until she heard Apple bloom’s comment and now had perked up and was reaching out a hoof curiously.

"It's a magic book, isn't it?" asked Sweetie Belle, her eyes shining in excitement. Dinky look at the book with awe, probably wondering how an ordinary-looking book could have magic.

My right eye flicked over in her direction, while lefty trailed down towards the book itself. "That's right, Sweetie. This book was given to my ancestors by Princess Celestia back when Discord was defeated the first time.”

All four of the fillies sputtered in surprise. Scootaloo managed to work through her astonishment first. “Wha..were your ancestors there?”

Dinky looked at me in shock at the news and put a hoof on my leg.

“Is...is that why we’re...different Momma?” She asked me nervously “Does that mean we might get put in stone too someday? ”

“Oh my muffin!” I scooped her into my forelegs and hugged her tightly. “No, not at all! Princess Celestia knows about our family and has helped us. That’s why we have this magic book. It tells us all about the whole family and helps us keep in touch.”

I opened the book to the first page. “Here, let me show you how it all began.”The four fillies crowded around to look at the book’s interior.

“... It’s blank,” Apple Bloom said with a frown.

I smiled at her gently. “That’s because we haven’t chosen a life to read about yet,” I said. A moment later, a small, glowing orb floated off of the book’s page and began growing and changing, until it resembled a large weeping willow tree. I looked at the very first name listed among the branches, the first of our ancestors to have the family curse. “Mama Hooves, born Magenta Mango Hooves in the year 304, Chaotic Era.” The light around her name brightened as the others dimmed, and the tree shrank back into an orb and splattered itself onto the book’s open page. The glow dissipated as dark scrawlings began to materialize on the pages.

“Wooooaaaah!” Scootaloo fluttered above the rest of us as much as her developing wings would allow, eyeing the book. “There’s writing on it now!”

“Yes, but... That’s not ink...” Sweetie turned to me with a puzzled frown. “That wasn’t ink, was it, Derpy? It was too.... brown.”

“You’re right, Sweetie. It’s blood.” As the four fillies shared a collective gulp, I scanned the first few paragraphs on the page. I always hated how the macabre text caused my right eye to quake with fright; it wasn’t helpful, especially with how the left would always roll itself in frustration at its partner being chicken.

“Ahhh, that’s better,” I mumbled quietly as my brain finally registered what the words were saying. My eyes were aligned, and the words clear. “Alrighty you four, here’s the story of how this all began...”


Magenta was walking through her small garden, looking at the crops she was growing: Candycorn stalks, floodmelons, chocolate beansprouts, and iced tea tangerines. She looked at her garden, and sighed. ‘I wish I could do something other than stand here, watching as my work goes to waste on those unicorn pigs up the lane.’

There was rarely enough food to supply even Magenta herself, and whatever money she would get in payment for her crops was taken in mere moments by the same ponies, for a tax even she could see was as false as the unicorns’ pretense of superiority. She might live in the same town as them, she may even walk the same streets, but many of the lower ranked ponies still saw fit to torment their neighbors even though the leaders of the three tribes had settled their differences long ago.

But “Mama,” as the children of the street had taken to calling her, was not unjust like her neighbors. No, she was a Hooves, and like how her family name spanned all three tribes, so did the warmth of her love. No, it was only those that treated her with contempt that riled her so, and yet she did nothing, for there was nothing to be done. Thankfully not all ponies saw fit to ignore those who were different and some did work together in harmony as the founders wanted.

A soft knock came from the garden gate, and she looked up with a smile. “Ahh, Tipsy! It’s wonderful to see you this morn.”

Her pegasus relative nodded as he stumbled through the gate, obviously having already dove into the mead that morning. Magenta asked, “Are you quite alright, dearie? You look as though you could use a rest.”

Tipsy, for his part, managed to stay on his hooves as he came up beside his first cousin. “W-well, Iiiiiunno if I wunna ‘ntrude, on yer hawsp’tality.” His words were slurred, and he wavered unsteadily as he looked off to Magenta’s right.

Magenta nudged Tipsy towards her small shanty-like cottage. “No no, I must insist! You are in no condition to go anywhere but straight to a bed! If you’re feeling ill, I’ll fetch you a bucket; make your mess in there. I can always use the fertilizer.”

Tipsy nodded his thanks as he settled down on a small bed of hay. Around him were a few young foals, all barely old enough to have gotten cutie marks. In addition, in a corner far away from any doors or windows, was a young pegasus colt who was missing most of his feathers. An older filly was curled up next to him, a wing laid atop him gently. Tipsy took it all in. “Wasswit’ all duh kidsh, cuz?”

“They’re orphans, Tipsy. I’ve told you that the last five times you were here.” Magenta sighed softly, smiling sadly at the kids spread about the room. “I let them sleep here, if they can’t find a warm place elsewhere, and I host them for much of the winter months. It’s the least I can do for them. Not many others in this city seem to think they deserve the chance.”

Tipsy laughed weakly at that, adjusting himself on the small pile of hay. “You’ve got a big heart, Maggie. Helpin’ the lost, the hungry, an’ the foolish. Like them...” He gestured to a small group of unicorns looking at them quietly, “...and me. I’d prolly be dead without yer help all th’ time.”

Magenta smilled at her cousin’s words; it wasn’t the first time he’d ever said it, but for him he probably thought it was. No matter that, she felt in her heart that Tipsy spoke them like the truth. She grinned wryly. “That’s kind of you to say, gentle Sir Tip; captain of the Flying Spears.”

“Ex-captain, lass. I’ve not been ‘Spear-Tip Stryker’ in years now, heh heh... Now I’m jussht Tipsy, the flyin’ drunk. Ha! An’ proud of it.” So saying, Tipsy stretched himself out and relaxed. “Now, go on back to your life, an’ I’ll stay here n’ sleep off th’ night’s drinks. May Hurricane lift your wings...”

Magenta’s smile brightened further as she gave a small bow and finished the now old saying. “... And let there always be enough pudding to feed your family, heehee.” They both left out the unicorn’s part in the saying, as neither would benefit from the blessing other than to cause further laughter.

The children, roused from their slumber by Magenta and Tipsy’s conversing, began to make their way outside and into the garden. A small earth pony colt with a ragged bandage covering one eye and what was left of his ear came up to Magenta and nuzzled her foreleg. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Mama Hooves! Well, if I need another place to sleep, that is.”

“See you then, Shilling Stinker; may your day be warm and the rubbish aplenty,” she said with a giggle as the young colt trotted out the door. He was one of very few orphans with a cutie mark, and his was a few grime-covered coins reminiscent of those he’d dug out of a sewage ditch the day he got it.

“Ha, that lad’ll grow up to be a great stallion, lemme tell ya, Maggie. Kid’s got manners.” Mama nodded at Tipsy’s words as she trotted towards the small window, pulling the blinds shut.

“I’ll be back with a bucket soon, alright? In the meantime, you get your rest.” It took Mama barely five minutes before she returned with a bucket that didn’t have legs, and she found Tipsy curled around the two younger pegasi, his wings stretched out over the both of them protectively.

Mama smiled at the tender scene before frowning pensively. She knew that her small cottage did not share her heart’s ability to hold all those who needed her help. Nor did her garden, she thought wryly, glancing back out the still open door at the plants basking in the sun. If only the city would help her! She knew they had more than enough money to help her build more space to house the city’s orphans.

She sighed and gently placed the bucket near Tipsy so he could find it when he would inevitably need it. She nuzzled him before gently tugging a blanket over the small group and turning to see a hoofful of foals peeping round the door inquisitively, ears flicking nervously as they waited for her to come outside.

“Alright, alright, little ones, I’m coming,” She chuckled softly as they all perked up and backed away from the door to allow her access, “I had to make sure your brothers and sisters were okay before we could start today’s chores.”

Mama Hooves sat down on a small open area, the foals taking their seats in a semi-circle around her. "Now, for the unicorns who still need practice with their telekinesis, you can use the licorice shoots. Those who need a bit of a challenge, that ghastly poison joke is beginning to creep into the crabby cabbage patch, and they're plenty annoying without being affected by that dreadful jester. If you finish your lessons, then you can come back and ask me, I'll have something else you could do, I'm sure."

As the unicorn colts and fillies set off to find the plants they were asked to take care of, the few pegasi gathered round to get their assignments. "Now, those of you who feel they're ready can gather some of the cotton candy clouds and bring them to the candycorn stalks, the cloud milk is needed to satiate their thirst. For the young'uns, when the others are done milking, please ring out the rest of the milk into the trough. Once snack time comes 'round, you all can have some cloud and milk, and if I can buy some, bread. Earth ponies, follow me. We'll be ditch jumpin' today."

With the work divvied up for the morning, Mama got to her hooves, the group of earth ponies following after. They trotted through the streets of Trottingham, stopping every now and again to sift through the debris and sewage sitting in the ditches, looking for anything that might be salvageable. Ponies that passed by looked away in disgust and disdain, some muttering about the filth crawling amongst itself.

Mama Hooves kept a calm outward appearance, but inside she seethed with unrealized anger. She had tried numerous times to get the city’s council to set up an orphanage, but belaying the fact that there was a greater number of pegasi than unicorns, and more unicorns than earth ponies, none of the three groups would do so. The earth ponies wouldn’t supply the labor without help from the pegasi. The pegasi wouldn’t help the earth ponies without the unicorns paying for the building, and the unicorns just wouldn’t have anything to do with it.

“Mama Hooves, Mama Hooves, look what I found!” A filly hopped over, a small bowl balanced on her head, her face covered in a huge smile.

“Oh my, what’ve you got in there, dear?”

The filly pranced in place as she upended the bowl, revealing a few small red plants with leaves that seemed to be blowing raspberries. “I remembered you told us all about the healing herbs and so I was looking around and I found a whole bunch of spit and polish plants! Now you can grow them in your garden for whenever we get the pony pox or chaos sneezes!”


“Uh, yeah,” Scootaloo interrupted. “I know a story is usually begun at, well, at the beginning, but could you skip to the good part?”

“Yeah,” Sweetie Belle agreed. “How are we supposed to get our cutie marks quick if we have to listen to all the plot buildup? Just give us the climax of the story, please.”

I looked at the two of them, my eyes finding each as they sat on opposite ends of the couch. “Well, I suppose we could skip ahead.”

The pages of the magic book glowed as I perused Mama Hooves’ story until we came to the good part. I cleared my throat and began again.


So there they were before Discord, powerful magic spells flying through the air thicker than raindrops in a thunderstorm. Mama cried out as she dove beneath the slinging magic, searching in vain for her paperwork.

The forms and applications were the result of her efforts to get the city to approve the building of a public orphanage. She had been rebuffed so often that desperation had gotten the better of her. When Discord made Mama an offer, it had been impossible for her to resist.

And now she was caught in the middle of a street battle between Discord and the Princesses.

The offer seemed too good to be true, and that had turned out to be the case. The orphanage had been thoroughly worked over by chaos, and tears came to Mama’s eyes as she thought of it.

But that was nothing compared to what happened next. A hurricane gust of wind caused by the raging battle threw her sideways to land beneath a slowly-crumbling building. As the walls gave way and came tumbling down, Mama thought she was a goner.

While Discord might have been a troublemaker and kind of a dick, he was not a murderer. He and both the princesses simultaneously tried to save Mama’s life and their combined powers met in an incredibly powerful display right on top of her.

The experience was jarring, to say the least. When Mama woke up, Discord had already been contained and the two princesses were leaning over her.

“What happened?” Mama asked.

“You are incredibly lucky to still be in one piece,” Celestia advised. “However, there were some...side effects.”

Mama gulped. “Like what?”

“Hyperfertility, the most powerful form of chaos,” Luna replied.

“I...don’t understand.” Mama frowned.

“It’s a selective kind of magic,” Celestia explained. “In your case, dealing with so many children already, it resulted in the means to produce many more.”

“Can’t you do something?” Mama pleaded.

“We already have taken measures to mitigate this,” Luna told her. “We’ve limited the effectiveness of the curse.”

“What are the limits?”

Both princesses looked embarrassed and Celestia replied, “It doesn’t apply to first cousin pairings.”

Mama stared in disbelief. “So...my cousin is the only one who won’t get me hyperpregnant?”

“But on the bright side,” said Luna, “You’ve already started on that. Do you remember when you and Tipsy got drunk the last time?”


The foals all stared at me, wide-eyed. None, however were more astonished than Dinky. I couldn’t blame her. She stammered, “So my dad is also my uncle?”

I sighed. “Yes, unfortunately. This terrible curse has led to nopony in our family ever leading a normal life.

Dinkie eyed my eyes and asked, “What are some examples?”

I flipped a few pages. “Well, there’s Shifty Hooves, who had kleptomania so severe that it was actually his cutie mark.”

The fillies on the couch looked at each other as if they were a little underwhelmed. I went on. “There was Flimsy and Strong Hooves, a pair of unicorn wonder twins who died teleporting into a wall.”

I paused to collect myself. Why had their father put a plaque under their heads? I focused on more happy things. “They were given a posthumous award for advancing research on spontaneous teleportation issues.”

I kept reading. “There was Scaredy, who was always afraid of her brother shoving her into lava right up until the day she died that way. Sticky, who was very aptly named. Maxwell, who beat his mother to death with a silver hammer.”

“So everything in my life is just going to be bad luck and disappointment?” Dinky said, looking like she was on the verge of tears.

“Now muffin, that’s not what I was trying to tell you at all. You can do anything you want with your life. For example, Tender Hooves decided he didn’t want to be a doctor anymore, so he changed his name to Stabby and is currently robbing trains out west.”

I frowned. “Okay, that was a bad example, but trust me when I say that you shouldn’t let your family hold you back from anything.”

“Yeah, look at Valiant and his daughter Trixie!” Apple Bloom said. “He’s an extraterrestrial that just doesn’t care and she’s a radioactive spiderpony.”

That was an even worse example and I quickly tried to steer the conversation away with a distraction. “So, who wants muffins?”

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