• Member Since 3rd Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen January 9th

Skystrike


My Intrests go Star Wars, MLP, Dubstep and a giant list of other things. But Im a Writer as well so I hope you guys Like my Fan Fics

T
Source

-Written by Alex 'Skystrike' Thomas and Marc "The Savior" Fielding, this story is a Crossover of Star Wars and MLP, this story is tense, Dramatic, and at times maybe a little sexy. Art Credit to RydelFox, on Deviantart .com Please Enjoy the story.
~When a Hole tears open Equestria bringing together worlds that should've stayed a part. Vinyl and Octavia find them selves stuck in a strange world. Now they have to get home the question is will they live long enough to get back to Equestria...

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 13 )

Interesting. Ironically, I recently discussed Star Wars crossovers.

4182736 Thank you, stay tuned for the rest, I'm sure you will enjoy it

It's an interesting concept, but there are things that end up killing the story for me, and most possibly quite a bunch of other readers.

(SPOILERS)

The first thing I noticed that bothered me is the switching of tenses. As there aren't many stories that use present tense, it's just as confusing to see this one alternate from past and present tense. To be honest, it would be a lot easier to read and to differentiate what is happening when to just stick with one tense.

Let's take an example. Or a few.

Everypony on the street bellow looks up and replies with a happy “Good morning, Vinyl!”

This is present tense.

Vinyl delightfully waved back at the then put her head back into the window.

This is past tense. Now for some reason, you first have a present tense sentence, but you write a past tense sentence right after it. It's confusing and otherwise doesn't make sense. Stick with one tense, and the story shall flow a lot smoother. And don't worry. Tenses give me a headache too at time.


Let's look at something else. Can you see what's wrong with this section in a paragraph?

As she walked she could her Octavia playing her Cello, in a slow enchanting, melodic way. Her music was relaxing but Vinyl preferred her Dubstep. The Loud Pulsating Bass line, melodic crushing whirls, and the way the crowd responds to her music. It was her Euphoria.

Did you spot it? Okay, other than "As she walked she could her Octavia playing her Cello", of in this case that first "her" should be hear. Simple grammar mistake. We all do it. But that wasn't what I was pointing out.

Did you guess? Well, if you didn't find it, it's your misuse of capitalization. There may be some words that should be capitalized, but as far as I am concerned, the following words should not be capitalized:

Cello
Dubstep
Loud Pulsating Bass
Euphoria


Here's another thing.

Vinyl smirked at her then looked ahead as she spoke “What d’ya mean? You act like you never performed in front of people before.”

This is a mistake, because Vinyl says that Octavia acts like she's never performed in front of people before, when she should be saying: "You're acting like you never performed in front of people before."

This implies, on the other hand, that Octavia had began to act like this when they're going to perform together for the first time. Know how you must word your sentences and know what tense they should be in.

He Sky seemed to roar

You obviously know what's wrong with this.

Vinyl stepped in front of her and grinned. “Not odd…I prefer… Progressive!

"Progressive" should not be capitalized.

“Is He still pinning after her?”

"He" should not be capitalized.

“Maybe you are right Octy…”

Okay, here's another mistake that a ton of writers make. It's speech. If you go back to edit your story-no, you should do this before you even publish a chapter, read the whole chapter out loud. i know, it's tedious and hypocritical as the lazy person I am, but you will spot at least 90% or 80% of your mistakes by doing so. The reason I pointed out that this dialogue was wrong was because...well...

Who would end up saying "You are" when every single human I know in a casual circumstance would say "you're". I noticed this mistake on other dialogue sections too, but for me, it's just kind of a pet-peeve. Some people will dismiss it, but in my eyes, fanfiction can be something that is able to be pictured in the mind, as well as on the screen. Try to picture characters saying "There is a grenade!" instead of "There's a grenade!". If you can see what I mean, good job.


Well, that's all I have time for. I do hope this story picks up and becomes popular, because with a great cover image and a cool concept for a crossover, if executed well, this fiction will be incredibly successful.

Cheers.

-ShadowFall

Damn... I missed all those.:fluttershyouch: The coffee didn't kick in yet when I was editing, my apologies.. Oh well, Skystrike and I will fix them. :twilightblush:

4183202
Thank you for the Constructive Criticism. I will definitely take this into consideration while writing chapter 1
And seruously stay tunned. You are gonna like pinkie,twilight, and Fluttershy in this.

4183246 As you wish.

My Master...

*Evil laughing and lightning*

Alright, done with everything, now to wait until Sky gets home so he can post it.

Alright the Prologue has been re-read and edited to meet standards. :rainbowlaugh:

4183202 There are some exceptions to this:

Who would end up saying "You are" when every single human I know in a casual circumstance would say "you're".

The calculating pony, or even someone like Twilight (or more... intelligent for lack of better word), might say "you are" instead of "you're". It's more just the personality of the pony, or character, that determines when this is appropriate.

Its amazing what you find just scrolling through the romance pages. This right here, this right here.:rainbowkiss:

Wonder if I'll ever see Mieza in this...

If anything, the house medic, because Mieza is a healer

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