memecat101
Joined 25th Mar, 2014 ·
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Yay! First story!
I quite enjoyed this, however there are some errors in it.
Should be the mare.
There needs to be a space after the comma.
Should be a space after the question mark.
The W shouldn't be capitalized.
It should be the doctor's, not the doctors.
Should be her blank, expressionless eyes.
Also, I would strongly suggest removing the pony creator cover art. There are people on Fimfiction who dislike stories purely for alicorn OCs and pony creator cover art without bothering to read much of the work itself.
I enjoyed this quite a bit actually can't wait till next chapter
4309971 Thank for catching all that...I never would have seen any of that...
Only one problem that pointed out to me which is actually really small but, OCD and all... or should it be CDO... anyways
the way you have paragraphs and the structure setup is a bit clustered with dialogue. refer to this:
http://teacherweb.com/CT/scottsridgems/Jennes/punctuating.pdf
for help on structure and other rules that can improve dialogue
but on story terms it is good maybe a bit confusing; the plot and all, but, that may expand.
I cant say for sure with so little chapters.
Keep up the good work
Before I go on about more errors, two things to say.
1. I'm quite interested to see where this goes.
B. This one actually amused me
(seriously though, I'd totes recommend getting an editor.)
42. (I lied) I would also totes recommend asking for cover art from the Art for Fanfiction group.
Edit: I see this is based off a peom. Can I please read said poem? If not that's okay.
Your editing is getting better and I like this a lot. A longer chapter would do well considering 400 words is barely a read though. (Oh, and I'd be happy to help you edit.)