A brony like many others, whom wished to share the fruit of his imagination with the people of Intern.et and hope you all have fun reading
Spike Fanfictions5,586 stories ·2,954 members
Sweetie Belle2,657 stories ·1,637 members
SpikeBelle186 stories ·701 members
Spike has decided to train in martial arts in order to protect Twilight and his other friends, but his life will change when he starts to see Sweetie Belle in a whole new light.
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panzerbrony: Editor (a really good one I must add)
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hello again. keep writing.
I got to give it to you, you might be on to something here. I can't wait for Spike to stop fighting it tho and admit he likes Sweetie. That would make like alot easier for everyone. I do want to see him use those new skills as well, got to see what he can do now. But a romantic date between these two would be nice as well. Can't wait for the next chapter
I don't know where to begin, so I'll just jolt down some good and bad. Since this is only the beginning of my reading, I'm going to just focus on Chapter 1.
In terms of readability, it's alright. It felt smooth for me to read along and I almost knew who says this or that. The presentation is alright I'll add... and maybe things will get more interesting later down the road.
I will have to throw in some things that maybe it could use some improvement. One suggestion I should start with is when a character speaks with an action, followed by another speech, that same character should be the one speaking. If there's another character who is going to speak after that person says/perform, it should go like this:
I find this helps break up the clump and reduce confusion because here, this addresses who's speaking and performing such action. If another character is about to say or do something, it should have its own line. At least that's what I learned so far.
Also, a bit of formatting would make this read a teeeeny tiny better. Again from what I said earlier, it's fairly easy to read, but with a bit of polish will make your stories SHINE like never before!
All and all, I'll give this story a 1 out of 1!!!!
oh yeah, I read this already on FanFiction
Hahaha!!!! YES!!!
Wonder how Sweetie Belle's parents feel about her dating a dragon?
Dumdodoor thank you for your opinion, I'm kinda of a n00b here in Fimfiction
but I'm glad that my first history is gong well so far, and from now on I'll try to fix this minor issues in order to make the storie better.. 
The story seems interesting, but to be honest, the descriptions scared me away:
Hmm, it needs work, yes, a little rough around the edges, but this story could be a diamond!
Tracking, hope this gets better
Hi there, I tend to read just about any SB-tagged story, and I leave a comment when I have time. Frankly, this is pretty rough to read through. I enjoy the premise enough to have read through the first chapter. Here's a few things that I noticed as I read:
- First off the paragraphs should either be indented or have a space between them to make the reading easier. I highly suggest formatting your writing in such a manner.
-Secondly, the use of numbers in writing is quite distracting. I recommend spelling out any numbers. For example: "Seven days", instead of "7 days". I'd suggest only using numbers when the numbers themselves are actually present in the world, such as etched on a sign.
-Thirdly, the your dialogue and attributions could be looked at and fixed up. The quotation marks you have at the start are all double, single quotes, instead of double quotes, and that was distracting for me as a reader. Next we have the punctuation:
This is just a few selected snippets, there are a fair number more in there that I didn't quote, but each of these dialogue bits need punctuation (commas in all these cases except the first, which is a period) at the end of the dialogue.
- Fourthly, this first chapter seems rather rushed to me. Rather than having a flashback at a few paragraphs in, it might have been a better idea to start with the flashback as a prologue of sorts.
Those are a few quick critiques. Mostly it's just pointing at the technical errors and such--your writing needs a bit more work, and it would be worth your while (as well as being an act of kindness to all future readers) to go and edit these chapters and fix those errors. Perhaps even finding a half-decent editor to give them a once-over and point out each mistake would be in your best interests. Regardless, the best way to learn is to fix those mistakes you make.
As I said, the premise was enough to get me to read this chapter and comment on it, but it was a little too rife with errors for me to enjoy. If you wish to discuss any of these points feel free to reply to this comment, and I'll be glad to discuss this further. (And in case you don't know, as I gather from some of the other comments, to respond to a person's comment, you just need to click on the icon that looks like this: >>. It is located in the top right corner of each comment box.)
I hope you find this useful in some manner,
~SilentBelle
I like the story. Can't wait to see how it plays out.
Great chapter!
4190644 Thanks!
I just felt the need of explain a little more the experiences of Spike at the ORDER
Good to have a back story.
Excellent job creating a back story. I hope to see a new chapter soon
As much as I want to like this I can't. The premise feels like a bad 80's kung-fu movie, the dialog is cheesy as hell, and the formating is a little wonky.
4195669 I don't know why but actually laugh with the ''bad 80' kung fu movie'' part
Everyone has their own tastes, while some of us like cheesy stories, you like..... Ok I don´t know but you got my point and I'm trying to improve my writting.
Anyway thanks for reading
The grammar! it burns!
otherwise interesting story.
....... but seriously, get an editor
Miss Cherri lee??? Really?
4205212 Oh s**t, I didn't mean to write it like that
I'll fix it immediatly.
And believe my when I say I just can't find an editor
4205258 That's a little something to put more originality to the history, if you're not interested just ignore it, and it's not in random locations...
this chapter i enjoyed. Quite an enlightening chapter. There were a few errors, but overall it was a great read. Looking forward to the next chap.
Also, if you need an editor, ill be happy to help. I'm not a pro, but i can fix a vast majority of mistakes.
4205359 Thanks!
Any help would be appreciated
good chapter. Very cute.
heh, Crustal.
4205367
well just let me know and i can get started on editing the previous chapters. Also you should consider spacing your chapters.
4205435 Mind starting tomorrow?
4205507
alright
only thing you need is to separate the dialogue and it be a better story:P
cause it making a big mess:p
WARNING!!!! Next chapter will contain cutest moments that will make your heart explode twice, Belle screams that will break plexiglass, cheesiest pick-up lines, and flirting.
OhmygodOhmygodohmygodOhmygodOhmygodohmygod
i don't mean to be offensive or anything, but was English your 1st language? because i really want to keep reading this( seriously i do) but every time i see an error or just dialogue that makes no sense i want to bash my head against the wall. so please try to fix some of these errors or get and editor.
4247063 My editor is working already on that.
And if you want to keep reading or not, suit yourself.
Anyway thanks for taking the time to read my fic.
get ready to feel the pain spike!
also lol
the errors are a bugging me but not enough to keep me from continuing
4205507 I , too, am available at any time to help edit for you
4265378 That will be great!
The other one is just too slow, so if you can help me I'll really appreciate it
4267052 just send it over when you are ready and I can do 1 of two things for you
1. I can just give a review and tell what needs to be fixed so you can do the editing
OR
2. I can , personally,put in the edits to save you time to work on other things
its your choice mate
either way will take just day at most for me
SPACE YOUR PARAGRAPHS! PPPPPPPLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
4280757 Ok I'm really starting to get annoyed by this comment over and over again, I SPACE THIS S**T PERFLECTLY WHENEVER I WRITE A CHAPTER, COULD ANYONE EXPLAIN ME WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY ''SPACE IT'' PLEASE?!
4280896
It was a hot day outside, so Troy wanted to head out to the market. He was very thirsty and in need of a proper beverage. "The weather sure is nice today," Troy thought as he hurried down the cracked city sidewalks. The cars that zoomed down the street provide him with cool gushes of air.
After several minutes, Troy's trek had finally come to a close. Standing before him, just at the end of the block, was the grocery store. "Finally, I made it," Troy panted, a smile of relief etched across his sweaty face
__________________________________________________________________________
This is proper spacing, yours looks like this...
__________________________________________________________________________
It was a hot day outside, so Troy wanted to head out to the market. He was very thirsty and in need of a proper beverage. "The weather sure is nice today," Troy thought as he hurried down the cracked city sidewalks. The cars that zoomed down the street provide him with cool gushes of air.
After several minutes, Troy's trek had finally come to a close. Standing before him, just at the end of the block, was the grocery store. "Finally, I made it," Troy panted, a smile of relief etched across his sweaty face
__________________________________________________________________________
It makes the story look like a massive block of text, something people don't want to read. I am not trying to infuriate you, only providing advice to further enhance the reading experience.
4281127 And I thank you for that but if I space it that much it will make it look too long and I don't want that
Rarity, you fornificator of matriarchs!
I am happy to see another chapter to this story. I love how no matter what Spike seems to do he can't help but be drawn to Sweetie. And I feel that kiss just sealed the deal with her. I can't wait to see the next chapter where they both are reflecting on their little friend "date" they just had. Sweetie will so girl out with Rarity when she tells her all the things Spike said about her. And Spike I can see finally accepting that he does have feelings for Sweetie as he does his nightly meditation.We have to also see how DT will plan her revenge, higher some thugs to try to rough up the dragon on his and Sweetie's next date. (Not knowing who they are stepping too lol) Which lets face it will have Sweetie throwing herself at Spike's feet once she sees him beat up some thugs lol.
Spike now has to tell Velvet and Cadence the entirety but was it wise for him for Celestia's and Luna's help which would also embarrassing him even more?
Sweetie Belle must be really think about her sugar dragon boyfriend.
Great chapter loved it. It was even funnier with the whole family showing up to interrogate Spike about his date. I do find it odd that Sweetie didn't seem to notice the fact that she told Spike she liked someone else which could ruin any plans to be with him. I guess that could be addressed when they have their confrontation about their feelings it just seems like something funny her or Rarity would have picked up on.
Good chapter, and I can see the plot building up.