In Equestria's neighbor, Afghenighnistan, a war rages. A deadly war, a quiet war, a dirty war, a war fought between the Equestria-backed government and its own citizens. A band of rebels plays a deadly game of cat and mouse against the soldiers sent to hunt them down. The commander of the soldiers, Commander Shining Armor, is a legend in the Royal Guard. His unique position, between the princesses in power and their boots on the ground, given him a unique perspective on a war which only worsens the harder they try to end it. This is a poem telling of a clandestine caravan carrying supplies for the insurgency in Afghneighnistan, the rangers sent to hunt them, the commander of the rangers, the princesses of Equestria, their lands and peoples, and how they all fit together.
Very well-told narrative, putting it in poem was a nice touch, meter a little clumsy, but all in all I like this very much. You capture well the circular nature of the conflict, the permeating sense of futility, the use of ambush and Soviet tactic, and the clash of vastly different ideology.
War is hell, enough said mate. No matter who wins, we all lose in the end through one way or the other.
Nice piece. I especially like the message towards the end: nothing has changed, despite the "victory". There will be more caravans, more insurgents, and more blood on the sand.
A couple things stuck out. As a previous commenter said, the meter breaks down in some places. (The worst offender being the line in which Shining writes the letter to Pound's family)
Speaking of Pound, nineteen is a bit young for a 2LT. At least in the U.S.
Lastly, I found the use of modern military designations and jargon a bit jarring, though I'm not sure why. Probably just a personal gripe.
In short, my thoughts on this piece are very positive. You did a fine job conveying the necessary imagery and emotion through a poem, which is a feat in itself, especially considering the length. Good work, though I'd expect nothing less from a writer of your caliber.
I'm sorry, but it makes me cringe when I read "Afghneighnistan". Rather than shoving the word "neigh" in place of the letter A (not to mention cramming a bunch of consonants together), what's wrong with simply replacing the syllable that already starts with the letter N? Typing it as "Afghaneighstan" would make things flow so much more easily for your readers.
4189151
War doesn't know winners, it knows those who have lost the fewest.
4191133
Yeah, I know the spelling is poor. However, I did it so that I could use the short form, Afghneighn, instead of it contracting to afghan.
It's... A poem. A rhyming poem at that. I did not quite expect that when I clicked on the story title, but I don't mind, as it was a nice read if not a little disheartening.
But what was I expecting, with the title as it is? Good job.
On reflection, you did in the description label it as a poem. Well nonetheless, you conveyed a sort of hopeless endgame with small victories and defeats, which describes the conflict particularly well as far as the poem goes.
I knew the song of the same name before. Curiously, I found a story on the very same topic. Good job all around!
Afghneighnistan. That name... is impossible to pronounce. supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is easier
8564762
AFG-neyn-i-stan
8566052
why the hell would you choose that name anyway?
8566379
So I would not be using the real life "Afghan" for short.
8566409
No, I meant why would you choose to make a pony version of Afghanistan?
8566433
Because why the fuck not? And to tell a story relevant to our lives and times. Tell me, why make a hackjob sequel to My Little Dashie as you have?
8566450
Geez. I wasn't trying to insult anybody here. I was just wondering why
8566453
Pro tip: "Because I can" is why all fanfics exist. ^.^