Hey, sexy Twilight. Want to kill all Humans?
On a wondrous lavender night, a beautiful white Alicorn known as Princess Celestia lay fast asleep in bed. She moaned in her sleep as she licked her lips, due to a particularly good dream of herself in a magical land of cake and wonder.
Cakes, all manner of cakes were all around Princess Celestia in this magical land of cakes and chocolate. The trees and rocks themselves seemed to be made of cake or chocolate.
"I love cake!" she shouted.
She smiled and then picked up a delicious chocolate cake. However, things didn't remain happy for very long when there was a strange knocking sound, followed by dark shadows surrounding her.
"Can I have some chocolate cake?!" said a quiet demonic voice.
A chill went down her spine. She turned around and saw Nicolas Cage right behind her staring at her with flaming red eyes.
***
She woke up with a start, her eyes wide in fear. There was a loud knocking on her door.
"Get up Celestia, it is important." shouted Twilight's muffled voice from outside the hall.
Celestia groaned. "Oh.... can't it wait... until tomorrow?"
"No! The fate of our planet hangs in the balance!"
"OK! Fine! I'm getting up!" Celestia groaned, stumbled out of bed and slowly made her way to the door. "This better be important."
Celestia opened the wooden door to see Princess Twilight's worried face. She walked into the room, turned to face Celestia and said. "We must destroy Humanity!" she shouted.
Celestia stared at her with her mouth agape in shock. "Wh---- what?"
"If we don't destroy them, they will destroy us!"
"Is this some sort of joke?! Because if it is, I find it of very poor taste."
"No! I'm being serious!"
"Right, being 'serious'. Twilight, do you not recall that Earth is quadrillions of miles away in another galaxy?"
"But they will come and destroy us eventually!"
"Right, 'destroy us'. I'm more worried about those guys."
She flashed her horn to show Twilight a mental image of giant cuttlefish like machines at the edge of the Milky Way Galaxy.
"Who are they?"
"Oh, the Reapers. They go around exterminating all galactic sapient life in the Galaxy every fifty thousand years on average."
Twilight eyes went wide in shock. "And... how long have you known about them?"
"Eh, a few million years." she said waving her right hoof nonchalantly.
"And you've done nothing to stop them?!"
"I wish I could. But we don't have the technology to reach them nor can we teleport to them."
"Oh... Anyway, can you help me kill all Humans? You're Princess Celestia, you can do anything!"
"Hah! Twilight, I'm not some sort of overpowered Mary Sue cut out from a story made real."
"But we must kill all Humans!"
"You know what, you can't be Twilight. No former student of mine, would be such a hateful, ignorant fool!" she roared in the Royal Canterlot Voice. "REVEAL YOURSELF IMPOSTER!"
"Alright, fine! I was just joking!" said a familiar voice.
"Discord?!" she shouted in shock.
There was a flicking sound, followed by Twilight shape shifting into Discord. "Yep, it's me!"
"And what was the point of waking me up?!" she said through gritted teeth.
"Oh, I just wanted to see your reaction if you found out Twilight hated Humans. … " he said in a low voice. "Like she does in some universes."
"What?"
"Never mind."
"I'm worried, does she really hate Humanity?"
"Uh... no. Quite the opposite actually."
He flicked his fingers to show in a cloudy bubble Twilight in her bedroom holding two dolls in her hooves. One doll of herself and the other of Commander Shepard.
"I love you Twilight!" Twilight said in a bad imitation of Shepherd’s voice.
"Oh, Shepherd! I love you too!" she said with her normal voice.
She pressed the two dolls together and made kissing sounds.
"Have you been stalking her?" Celestia said with narrowed accusing eyes.
"No. She invited me to play with her badass toys!"
He flicked his fingers again to show himself in Twilight's bedroom playing dolls with her.
"Can I play with Shepard?" asked Discord in the memory.
"No! Shepard is my husbando! But you can play with Conrad Verner."
"But I hate Conrad Verner!" he shouted while crossing his arms.
Discord flicked his fingers again to stop the memory. To glare angrily at Celestia laughing at him with a hoof over her mouth.
"She always got the cool guys! I'm always stuck with Conrad Verner."
"Oh, Discord. They are just toys!"
"They're not just toys!" Discord shouted angrily with tears filling his eyes, followed by stomping out the door and slamming it behind him.
She yawned, now with Discord gone she can finally go to sleep. She made her way over to the bed, lay herself under the blankets and closed her eyes.
He picked up the picture, and stared at it longingly.
"One day.... we will be together my waifu." he said in a low voice as manly tears fell down his cheeks.
Elsewhere Twilight Sparkle was doing the same lying on her bed and holding a picture of Commander Shepard smiling.
"One day... we will be together... my husbando." she said in a low soft voice as tears fell down her cheeks.
The End
If you're not moved by Shepard and Twilight longing for one another you have no emotions.
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i want to kill all humans
XD, a rather pleasantly silly story. You have my upvote.
4174340
And here's a romantic theme for Twilight and Shepard.
i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn105/walkseva/ManlyTearsHaveBeenShed.jpg
Twilight playing with dolls remind me of this video XD
Looks like Discord ASSUMED DIRECT CONTROL
fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/082/3/e/mass_effect__harbinger_by_ian_coast-d4tnfla.jpg
4174307 trust me it sucks. Autofags won't let you
4174787 Then together, we will..
Hey baby you wanna get together and kill all humans?
Add a trillion to that 'billions' and you're good to go!
On a less jerkish-nitpicky note, I like this. And that chapter title... is that a Futurama reference I spy?
Well, I have no emotions. Pretty good story, by the way.
YES, KILL ALL HUMANS!
Wait, I'm human!
.............shit.
Come at me, Twilight.
rawstory.com/rs/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Man-holding-a-knife-via-Shutterstock.jpg
Try and kill meh.
That was the most amazing, thought provoking, adorable thing ever.
On the other hand, WHY THE HELL ISN'T LUNA SHEPARD'S WAIFU?
Edit:P.S.- Moar.
4175852
Yeah, I think you're right. The Ponies are in the Horsehead nebula I'd guess, so how far is that? Not far enough maybe, maybe they live in the Andromeda Galaxy? XD
And yes, it's a Futurama reference.
4176685
Because Twilight and Shepard are my OTP.
4174487 Rebecca! Nooooooo!
Is husbando really the male version of waifu?
STILL, a better love story than Twilight.
4177509
I believe so yes.
Well alright then.
4176234
that looks like a left hand
you're fucked
4174793 well ok sure
I dont know how to respond...
cupitonians.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/wut-1.gif
I am quite confused.........ANTOHER SUCCESFUL DAY ON THE INTERNET
Well......Dammit! Now I need another play through of the Trilogy!
(sigh) Oh well. Time to go kick some Reaper ass!
Aw, look at that mug, all scarred up and manly. Who's the sexiest bastard in the universe? You are!
4176792
The Horsehead Nebula is about 8.8 quadrillion miles away (in the same neighborhood on galactic scales - about as far away as the thickness of the disk and a little over 1% of the disk diameter). Andromeda is about 1700x times as far away (14.7 quintillion miles). A billion miles sounds like a lot, but it only gets you to Saturn or a little ways past. The Voyager 1 probe is almost 12 billion miles away.
4181757
Thanks. Going to do a slight edit.
Well I'm not moved, but it was... depressing. Not like a sad depressing, but a "I've lost hope for this iteration" depressing.
And it's maybe a little funny.
4174987
That's what I thought this was going to be.
4174307 pls no
I demand that you ship Garrus with Luna next.
But totalsrsfaceteim, this story made me laugh like a retard.
And the magical Liopleurodon will show you the way.
4182093
I want this way too much.
To be fair though, I would enjoy Garrus shipped with anything because Garrus is the most sexually attractive being in the known universe, past, present and future.
4182466 Dat mandible. Unf.
is that... is that a futerama reference? "hey baby, wanna kill all humans"
4182088 you must join forces with me. only then will you be spared.
muahaha. haha. ha.
ha.
4176110 there is a chance you could be an alien and not know it
look for the nearest fob watch
Everything I know about Mass Effect, I learned from this fanfic.
What is happening!?
The pacing's so intense!
Thank you for that
Made me laugh
4176685
Because Luna is already everyone's waifu. One giant, collective waifu that all the Luna fans have to share.
Funny story I liked it when discord said.
4174307 oh dear lord spare me ghost balls. I have friends and family.
Sounds like something I would say to my BFF sweet_berry46.
Hey sexy Sweet_Berry46. Wanna dye Kyle's hair pink for April foods day.
4185002 you will only be spared if you join forces with me.
muahaha. haha. ha.
ha.
Ohhh, man. This is so much of what I needed to get over that last creepy-as-manure fic I read.
Just the perfect amount of nonsense.
4186596
Was it one where Ponies kill all Humans for no good reason at all?