Patient: Button Mash Part 1
Pip groaned as he felt his head pounding worse than the time he tried drinking rum while playing pirates. Not only did his head hurt from drinking it, but his backside as well when his mother learned what he did. No wonder she was a former Golden Gloves champion; she had quite a force behind that hoof of hers.
He tried to see where he was, but there was only darkness. That finally ended when a spotlight from above him and he winced from the glare. After blinking a few times to adjust his eyesight, Pip gulped and asked, “Uh, hello?”
Suddenly, another light came on, this time showing a TV screen full of static
. Pip raised an eyebrow until the static came off and instead started to show something else. A horrified face appeared on Pip as the characters from the awesome series Sun Wars began to dance and sing..
“No... not this! Anything but this!! Noooooo!” screamed Pip in the dark.
***
Upon hearing Pip’s screams, the rest of his friends all grinned at each other while some snickered. They backed away from Button’s basement door without a care in the world, although Dinky was biting her lip and hesitated from moving. “Are you sure that wasn’t a bit too much? Couldn’t we just have him play Xenos: Colonial Marines instead?”
“Relax, he’ll live through it. It’s not like we’re showing him Inuyasha,” said Button, which made the others shiver as they thought about the anime. “Now that we have extracted our well tasty revenge, it’s time for Plan C which I have dubbed... well, Plan C.”
Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “Oh, great. So what is it this time? Make it look like you drowned by having you do a dead stallion's float? Cover you in ketchup and have a blood covered knife nearby to make it look like Jack the Ripper had his way with you? Make it look like you got eaten by a grue?”
“No, but those are good ideas to keep in mind,” pointed out Button Mash before raising his hoof in the air. “Quick question! Where do you go if you want to see ponies die?”
“A battlefield?” asked Apple Bloom.
“The gallows?” asked Spike.
“The DMV?” asked Rumble.
“Close on the last one, but the answer is the hospital!” shouted Button Mash. “It’s also where they get death certificates. So what we’re gonna sneak into a hospital, steal one, and use it as proof that I’m dead!”
Everypony looked at him in disbelief. “You want us...to steal from a hospital?” asked Spike in disbelief. “Dude, that’s like... dude, you don’t do that.”
“Yeah, you might as well ask us to steal from a church or an orphanage at the same time!” shouted Scootaloo. “We’re not gonna steal from the place that heals ponies!”
“Fine! How about we then just take a picture of a death certificate, scan it, and print it out here in my home so we can use it to show to the newspapers,” explained Button Mash. “Then they’ll put it in the obituaries and everypony will think I’m dead!”
“What about your body? Or having a funeral? Won’t ponies want to know about that?” pointed out Sweetie Belle.
“We’ll just make the cause of death something that makes it impossible to have an open casket. Like eaten by sharks or blown up by a missile or something,” said Button Mash. “Come on, guys. I only have ‘till tomorrow before my mom and dad get home! If I’m not ‘dead’ and buried by then or sooner not only will I be grounded, but my parents will kill me off for real!”
“How would that even work?” asked Apple Bloom.
“Well, maybe something like...”
***
It was a sad, grey day that afternoon, but perfect for the occasion. A group of ponies, dressed in black, all stood in an empty spot in Ponyville Cemetery, where they all stared at single open casket, placed just above its grave. It was always a sorrowful event when somepony so young die, but a greater tragedy when it was a colt who had yet to get his cutie mark. He lay on the white inner velvet cushions, a passive smile on his face as he stood as still as the tombstone that bared his name:
In Loving Memory of Button Mash
He ran out of lives
Rest in Peace
Lying inside the casket, surrounded by his games and controllers, the young gamer was approached by his friends and their families who all said their farewells to him. They each placed a white lily in his hooves that laid on his chest with Sweetie Belle even kissing him on the cheek before running away in tears, her sister chasing after her.
Finally, his mother, black veil over her face, walked over to her beloved little boy and rubbed her eyes with a handkerchief. “Oh, my little boy. At least you are at peace now.”
Opening his eyes, Button asked, “Um, Mom? Before you bury me, and I go to my eternal rest, can I please use the bathroom?”
Glaring at her son, Loving Care responded, “No, you are to stay in that casket until you learn your lesson, young man. Now go back to being dead.”
“But moooooommmm!”
“Now! Or else you won’t be buried with your games!”
This shut Button up as he quickly went back to his previous pose as the minister raised his eyes above as if asking when did he get picked for this. Nevertheless, he opened his book and said, “And so we return this young colt to the earth he was born into. May he find peace beyond this world and rest knowing that despite his short life, he will be remembered by us all.”
The casket was closed and lowered as Button continued to stay still, even long after the guests had left and dirt began to pile on his casket. Only after he was sure he heard the undertakers leave did he open his eyes and stretch his body out. Groaning he felt for one of his Joytoy’s and activated. “Well, at least I got these babies to last the next two weeks.”
HIs excitement died when he saw that the battery power was too low and his hoofheld was shut down. Button stared at the blank screen in horror before screaming, “Nooooooo!”
***
“You have the most grimdark imagination sometimes,” said Rumble, shaking his head. “But whatever. First question is how we’re gonna get into the hospital in the first place? We can’t play sick since their scanning spells will detect nothing wrong with us.”
“That’s why we have to make it look realistic. One of us is gonna have to be seriously hurt in order to fool them into letting us in,” said Button Mash, he then walked over to a table and took a group of matches, cut into different lengths. “I cut these to have us draw straws, the lowest one will be the pony that gets injured.”
“Or we could do this,” said Scootaloo as she walked over and punched Button Mash on the nose. The others winced as Button landed on his back, holding his muzzle while screaming.
“Gah! My nose! I think I’m bleeding! Gaah! Somepony call 911!” cried out Button as his limbs flared around, tears in his eyes. He glared at Scootaloo who was wiping her hoof with a feeling of satisfaction. “What did you do that for?!”
“Yeah, you should have asked us if we wanted a shot at him,” pouted Spike, crossing his arms.
“Oh, hush you big baby. You’re injured and that’s what matters, right? Let’s just do this already,” said Scootaloo as she dragged him up and helped carry him towards the door.
“That’s it! I’m leaving you out of my will for this!” shouted Button as he was pushed out the door.
“I’ll be sure to cry tears later,” muttered Scootaloo.
***
Getting into the hospital was a bit difficult at first since they were going to refuse entry for Button Mash upon seeing him. Apparently he held the Ponyville record for “most times trying to fake sickness and getting out of school”. It had taken them five minutes to convince the staff the injury was real and they took him into a room for a check up.
Nurse Redheart was writing something on her check up board after Doctor Stable had gone through a few medical scans. “Alright, we’ll be back with the results later. Chances are it’s just that broken nose, but policy and all,” said Doctor Stable, who sounded bored as he shut off his horn.
Button, holding his nose with an ice pack, nodded in thanks. “Thank you, Doctor Stable. I told you one day there would be a time when you would realize that my injuries were serious and real. Good thing I recovered from all of them on my own.”
Doctor Stable rolled his eyes. “Yes, Button Mash. You have to tell me of the time you managed to cure cancer, brain tumors, polio, broken skulls, liver failure, shingles, yellow fever, scorpion stings, leukemia and the dozens of other ‘Illnesses’ you claim to have been afflicted with.”
“Yup, but not right now. I feel like I need my rest for my recovery,” said Button Mash, laying down on his pillow.
Everypony in the room just slapped their hooves to their faces before the doctor and his nurse exited the room. Apple Bloom shook her head at him. “Ya really told them ya had polio?”
“Yeah, what about it?” asked Button Mash.
“And this is why you will never get past high school,” said Dinky, shaking her head with pity.
“You think he’s going to even get that far?” asked Rumble, shocked.
Button rolled his eyes. “Anyway, let’s get this mission started. All of you guys need to search the hospital for the morgue so that we can find a death certificate. Take a photo. And get out of here before anypony gets suspicious.” He pointed to each of his friends. “Scootaloo and Rumble will check the top floor. Dinky and Apple Bloom can check the second floor. Spike and Sweetie Belle have the first.”
“And what will you be doing, oh fearless leader?” asked Spike, eyebrow raised.
“Doing the most important job of them all!” Button leaned back and grabbed some pudding that had been left over. “Keeping the staff busy with my endless amounts of requests because their duty is to their patients. Speaking of which.” He pressed the call button. “Oh, Nurse Redheart?”
“What is it now, Button?” said the nurse on the other line.
“Some more pudding if you please.”
“Very well... brat...”
Button smiled with glee as the others glared at him. Rumble, shaking his head, said, “Okay. No. Look, you’re my friend, Button-debatable at this point-but there is no way I am going to sneak around a hospital looking for...”
Button merely raised his phone and pressed play on the video he had pressed. The group of friends watched as they saw Rumble, who was frozen with fear, playing with what looked like a bunch of dog action figures. One was a dalmatian wearing a firefighter outfit, a female cockapoo with a pink flyer’s outfit complete with wings, and a german shepherd wearing a police officer’s uniform.
“Chase, I must confess something to you! I’m pregnant and Marshall’s the father!” said Rumble on the video as he moved the cockapoo. Grabbing the police dog, Chase, Rumble faked a cry. “What?! How could you do this to me Skye?! After all I done?! I had chosen you to save instead of Zuma during that battle against the evil cat robots destroying Adventure Bay! I love you!”
Grabbing the dalmatian, Rumble continued his voice acting, “But Chase, it was only after you had senselessly faked your death to get revenge on your evil twin brother! Skye needed comfort and I was there for her while you were being selfish!”
“How dare you, Marshall! My own best friend!” cried out the police dog toy. “Skye, you must choose one or other other! Me or Marshall! If you choose him, I’m leaving Paw Patrol!”
“Um, I think I hear Ryder calling. This pup’s gonna fly!” shouted “Skye” as Rumble lifted her up into the air and made zooming noises.
The video ended as everypony stared at the video for a few seconds before they fell onto their backs, kicking the air and howling with laughter. Rumble just sat there, red faced, as he wished he could be like Skye (His favorite out of all six personally) and fly away. Button Mash just shut his phone off and said, “Now who would like to guess how many likes that would get on YouTube?”
Rumble muttered a few death threats before grabbing a laughing Scootaloo by the tail and dragged her out. The others soon followed as Button Mash turned his cell phone back on and started playing Candy Cruncher.
***
“I’m going to kill him. I don’t know how, when, or where, but I will kill him,” muttered Rumble as they made their way up the stairs.
Scootaloo, still snickering, said, “You’re how old and you watch Paw Patrol? Fans of My Little Human I can understand, but Paw Patrol?”
“Oh, look who’s talking miss emotionless vampires and werewolves,” grumbled Rumble.
“At least its intended for a more mature audience,” snapped back Scootaloo, blushing.
“Mature? That’s highly debatable.”
The two pegasi managed to reach the top where they looked around the hall and found nopony. Not a single doctor or nurse in the area. All the doors were labeled by numbers, but there was no sound of any patients. Curious, Rumble walked over to one of the doors, but it was locked tight. “It won’t budge.”
“This is weird,” said Scootaloo walking further down the hall. The two were silent as they continued their journey until they spotted an open door. “Wait, look.”
The two slowly approached it and opened it, revealing nothing more than a blank white room. Raising an eyebrow, Scootaloo was about to approach it when Rumble stopped her. “Wait a moment!”
“What?”
“Don’t you think it would be the smart thing to not go into that room? I mean you’ve seen horror movies, right? The one stupid thing every protagonist does is get too curious for their own good and before they know it they got an ax in their skull,” pointed out Rumble.
“Oh, come on, this is a hospital in Ponyville, not Quiet Hill,” snorted Scootaloo as she entered the room. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
Just as soon as she said that, the room started to shake, as Scootaloo’s eyes widen at the fact that something sticky and red was starting to fill up the room. The two looked down at the walls and gasped at the sight of blood pouring from the cracks and filling it up. Rumble sighed and turned to Scootaloo. “Would blood from possibly the ponies who previously entered this room trying to drown you to death convince you?”
“Yes. Yes it would,” said Scootaloo, calmly before she screamed and rushed out. Once she was back in the hall, Rumble closed the door with a strong kick and the two ran down the hall as fast as their little hooves could take them.
***
Sweetie Belle and Spike decided to take the most direct route and ask where the morgue as. Unfortunately, their reply was that unless they were certified staff members, the knowledge was not to be given to visitors. Spike was all ready to just give up then and there, but Sweetie Belle had an idea. Grabbing a few items from a nearby laundry cart, Sweetie Belle headed for the ladies room where Spike was forced to wait outside.
A few minutes later, his eyes widen as Sweetie Belle came out with an oversized doctor’s jacket with tie, a stethoscope around her neck, sercial mask and cap, and a pin that said “Surgery Doctor” on it. “How do I look?”
“Like you want a one way ticket to jail! Sweetie Belle, it’s illegal to impersonate a doctor!” warned Spike in disbelief. “If they catch you you’ll get in so much trouble.”
“Can’t be as bad as the time me, the Crusaders, and Button impersonated being diplomats at the United Alliance meeting last year,,” said Sweetie Belle shrugging.
“Wait, that was you four?” Spike leaned back in shock. “You’re lucky Princess Celestia managed to talk things over before a world war could be declared! You four are still wanted in every kingdom on the planet with instant execution without trial! How did you three, and Button, manage to do that?!”
“Remember how Button gets too carried away with his games?” Sweetie Belle blushed as she rubbed the back of her head. “Well, he may have treated every country like the stereotypes they are in those games. And we might have gone along with it because we didn’t know any better at the time.”
“.... someday he’s going to be the key to the apocalypse, I swear,” muttered Spike, shaking his head. “Look, just take it off. We don’t want to risk it. Besides who is going to believe you’re a surgeon at your height? ”
“Excuse me? Are you a surgeon?” asked a nearby nurse who walked over and stared at Sweetie Belle with desperation in her eyes.
The two friends stared at each other for a second before staring back at the nurse. “Um, yes?” answered Sweetie Belle while Spike facepalmed.
“Great! We got a patient that needs help, stat!” shouted the nurse as she grabbed Sweetie Belle before she could say anything. Spike rolled his eyes and followed.
***
Button Mash calmly sipped his soda via straw that was being held by a twitching Nurse Redheart whose thoughts were... well... if we were to look into it would make Susperia look like a Disney movie. The “injured patient” gave out a relaxed “ahh” before motioning the nurse to take away the soda. “Will that be all, Button?” asked Nurse Redheart, her voice like that of a chalkboard being scratched by nails.
“Well, I feel refreshed after my meal, but I think my rear hooves need another message,” said Button with a smile, while Nurse Redheart crushed the soda can she had in her hoof. His eyes lit up with alarm when his phone began to ring and he saw the ID as that of his mother. “Uh, actually, I think I’ll need to be alone now. Go save lives or something.”
Muttering a thank you to the high heavens, Nurse Redheart exited the room as Button answered his phone. “Uh, hello? Is that you, Mom?”
“Button! Thank goodness, I was able to get a signal. Listen there might be a bit of a complication with me coming home tomorrow,” said his mother along with the sound of monster roars, screaming, and fighting. If Button didn’t know any better he’d swear he was listening in on one of his own games. “Something kind of happened and you’re father and I are stuck in it.”
“Uh, Mom? I thought you were skiing, not taking part in a LARP experience, “ asked Button, raising his eyebrow.
“What? No, it’s not like that it’s... hang on. DIE YOU INFERNAL MONSTER SCUM!”
The sound of a chainsaw nearly made Button wet himself as he heard an demonic like cry of pain before the sound of a head being ripped apart by hundreds of spinning teeth echoed in his ear. Why do I suddenly feel jealous of my mother right now?”
A few gasps of breath later and Loving Care was back on the line. “Sorry, well, it turns out that some teenagers decided to explore a long forgotten cave and awoke a demonic yeti army that has already eaten half the staff and we’re kind of fighting for our lives. So we might be an extra day late.”
“Is Dad okay?” asked Button, surprisingly calm about this.
“Oh, he’s fine. He’s with the flamethrower right now,” replied his mother, following by a few shots of what sounded like a shotgun. “How’s everything at the house?”
“Great! Uh, but I’m running low on food. Can I take your money from your hidden stash in your jewelry draw to get more?” asked Button.
“Honey, you’re not allow to touch any money since that Canterlot incident.”
“Ugh, one time! I swear! One time!” yelled Button Mash, hoofpalming. “Anyway, I have to go. Love you.”
“Love you too! *Click*”
Shutting his phone off he turned to the door where Doctor Stable was coming in with a sad look on his face. “Oh, hey doc. What’s my results.”
“... Button, I don’t know how to say this, but I...” he sighed as he walked in, shaking his head and putting a hoof on his shoulder. “It’s never easy when I have to say this to younger patients, but it’s best if you know. As regulation, we did some test results and... and...”
Button frowned as he tilted his head. “What?”
Doctor Stable sighed. “Button, I’m afraid you only have forty-eight hours to live.”
***
“Okay, if Ah was a morgue, where would Ah be?” asked Apple Bloom, looking around the second floor with Dinky by her side.
“Probably in the basement. It’s cold, dark, and underground so kinda symbolic for dead ponies,” replied Dinky.
The two opened a door and found it to be a storage area with gurneys, hospital equipment, used clothes, and more. Strangely enough, the lights were on despite nopony using this place. Deciding to take a look around, Apple Bloom grabbed a stethoscope and used it to feel her own heartbeat. “Oohh, that’s kinda cool. Hey Dinky, get over here.” Dinky came over and Apple Bloom put the listener on her friend’s chest. “Heh, Ah can hear yer heart.” As she moved it to another location, she paused upon hearing a second set of thumps. “W-wait... that’s weird. It almost sounds like ya got two hearts.”
“That’s cause I do,” said Dinky, as if it was an everyday occurrence.
“W-what?!” shouted Apple Bloom leaning back in shock. “What are ya?! Some kind of an alien?!”
“Uh... I told you that and the others many times,” said Dinky in disbelief. “I’m a half-alien from my Dad’s side.
“When did ya mention this?!” asked Apple Bloom.
*** One and half years ago ***
“Now class, we have a new student with us today, please say hello to Dinky Hooves,” said Cheerliee as she presented a shy little Dinky to the class who were eyeing her with curious eyes. “Why don’t you say something about yourself, Dinky?”
“Well, my dad is a time traveling alien who married my mom who is a pony. He looks like an earth pony now because he regenerated a few weeks ago, but he used to be a unicorn. Also we live in a big blue box that is bigger on the inside then it is on the outside,” said Dinky with a smile on her face while getting weird stared at from everypony but Apple Bloom was busy doodling on her desk.
“Um... that’s very interesting, Dinky,” said a nervous Cheerilee.
Diamond Tiara, unable to resist with such an easy target, snorted and shouted, “Oh, geez! Like who's gonna believe that story?! A time traveling alien, hahahah!”
Her laughter was soon overcome by the sound of something echoing in the air like vacuum activating for the first time. Dinky smiled as she turned around just as a blue police box was materializing in front of her much to the jaw dropped shock of her fellow students and teacher. Well, except Apple Bloom, she was still drawing.
Finally, it stopped and out of it’s doorway stood a brown stallion with an hourglass on his rump. “Ah, Dinky. You forgot your lunch. Good thing I remembered it before your mother and I had to head off to fight the Sontaran Invasion on Planet Colama.”
He handed her a paper bag which she took with a nod. “Thanks, Daddy. Have fun! Are we still up for our trip to Dark Ages tomorrow?”
“Of course! Wouldn’t want to miss it for the world,” he replied before turning to Miss Cheerilee who was looking ready to faint. “Oh, hello again, Cheerilee. Please look after my daughter. Gotta go now! Allons-y!”
He entered the police box again and it began to disappear once more until it seemed to cease to exist. Everypony in the room just stood there, slack jawed until Apple Bloom proudly lifted her drawing in the air. “Finished!” She paused and looked around, noticing everypony staring at the new filly. “What? What did she say?”
***
“Ah really need to pay attention in school more,” muttered Apple Bloom.
“Well, that’s not important. What is important is finding out how we’re gonna get into the morgue floor,” said Dinky as she looked around before she noticed a pony dummy and an idea came to her. “Hey, how about we do this...”
***
“Keep moving, Apple Bloom! Left, right, left, right.”
“Easy for ya to say! Ah’m doin’ all the leg work!” shouted Apple Bloom as she struggled to hold onto her friend while on her rear hooves. Dinky kept her front hooves on the gurney where a pony figure was laid across it with a white sheet covering it. The two of them were sharing a scrubs uniform with Dinky as the top and Apple Bloom as the bottom.
“Shh, I see one,” whispered Dinky as she waved over to a nurse. “Excuse me! I’m here. Where is the morgue?”
“Oh, we have it in the basement. Take the elevator over to the right,” said the nurse before looking at the body with sympathy. “You never get used to this on the job. May I ask who's poor soul this is so I can pray for her?”
“Ummm,” Dinky bit her lip as a hundred name went through her and her mind settled on. “Pinkie Pie!”
The nurse gasped. “Pinkie Pie! Oh my gosh... from what?!”
“Um, heart attack?” asked Dinky.
“... well we all knew that sugar was going to do her in one day,” sighed the nurse as she walked away, shaking her head. “Poor Pinkie... and my foal’s birthday was in two weeks...”
Apple Bloom poked her head out and raised an eyebrow. “Ya sure that’s not gonna come back and haunt us?”
“We’re faking Button’s death so we’re already causing chaos. Besides, once ponies see Pinkie bouncing around they will assume it was just a false rumor,” said Dinky as they headed to the elevator and took it down.
***
“I’m... what?” asked Button Mash, eyes wide as his entire body froze.
“I’m sorry. You have what is known as gamaritidis,” said Doctor Stable as he looked at his sheet. “It means that all that video gaming you have been playing is going to cause your brain to explode and kill you. There is no cure and you only have two days to live. I suggest you make the most of it.”
“I... I see...” whispered Button Mash, tearing up.
“You need me to do anything for you, son?” asked Doctor Stable, putting his hoof over the colt’s shoulder.
“N-no... I just... wanna be alone...”
Doctor Stable nodded as he walked out the door. When he was in the next hallway, he burst into laughter and held his side. Nurse Redheart, grinning like it was her birthday, walked over and asked, “Did he fall for it?”
“Yup!” shouted Doctor Stable. “Little brat’s gonna be worried sick for two days! Sucker!”
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Are we sure Discord isn't involved in any of this, because it's becoming more and more chaotic with each hairbrained scheme.
Or they'll think she's a zombie, did you ever stop to think of that Dinky?
This shit just keeps getting crazier and crazier...
...and I love it.
You know I found it hilarious that Button's family is fighting Yetis, that the CMC (and Button) have a bounty on them, and that little scene of Bloom discovering that Dinky is half alien. It's great to see this story again.
Please pardon my English when I say this compliment: You son of an magnificent evil bastard that was pure genius!
Eeey this was the best chapter yet!
Oh man... that's kinda mean Dr. Stable... but I think you're justified.
As long as nopony gets hurt too much, it's all in fun.
Please keep writing, I'll keep reading!
Can you say..."clusterfuck"?
PAW PATROL!!!!!
I LOVE THE PAW PATROL!!!
sweetiesfreebies.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/pawpatroldvdsweepstakes.jpg
Rumble is my kind of guy! He has good taste! By the way, when you mentioned Chase's twin brother, were you referencing this? Also, that was a nice Take That against the crazy ChaseXSkye fans.
Phew!
Okay, now that that's out of the way, this story is still as funny as ever. Glad to see the world is just as crazy as Button is! Everything is building up into this big huge explosion of craziness. Sweetie Belle the surgeon, blood squirting out of the walls, rumor about Pinkie Pie's death, and Button thinking he has 48 hours to live (he deserves it, good job Doctor Stable!)
Also, I love those hilarious cut away gags, especially the Doctor Whooves one.
Lastly, Pip must be a hardcore, die hard Sun Wars fan, because I actually thought that dancing game was funny. Seeing the Emperor dance is priceless. He needs to loosen up. I think Luna should rescue him and then come in to join the craziness. That would fit this story's pattern!
Lastly, you do know that the PAW Patrol IS a GOOD show, right? Right? Right!?!?
5846720
You really don't recognize me do you lol
I read every chapter of this story and I was laughing the whole way!
I hope you keep writing this and I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
Update?
On one hand, I'm partly hoping this all turns out to be a fever dream Button's having while unconscious...
On the other hand, it's too funny for that....
And I can't wait for the next chapter.
Wow! I need the next part!