• Published 2nd Apr 2014
  • 704 Views, 24 Comments

Six Word Stories - Dustin Lange

Short stories inspired by six words.

  • ...

Apple Bloom (Dustin Lange)

Author's Note:

This one worked a bit different. The story inspired the six words on this one.

"Go away, Ah'm tryin' to sleep."

Apple Bloom

To say Apple Bloom was upset would be like saying the ocean is damp, or that Pinkie Pie makes sense. She was angry that Applejack was treating her like a foal.

"Why does Applejack have to be so protective over me? Ah'm sick of it!" she said to nopony in particular as she paced her bedroom floor in front of her bed.

"All she ever does is tell me not to do somethin'!" she kicked a ball sitting on her floor. It sailed right into her nightstand, knocking it over with a loud BANG! Anticipating what was to come, she cringed.

"What was that? Are y'all all right up there...? Apple Bloom?" Applejack yelled up the steps.

"Ugh! Ah'm fine, Applejack!" she responded as she set the nightstand back up. She continued her fuming and pacing of the floor, creating a small canal in her wake.

"Apple Bloom don't do this! Apple Bloom don't do that! Apple bloom are you okay? I told you not to do that Apple Bloom!" she said in a mock Applejack voice, doing a decent job at sounding like her.

"Did you say somthin'?" came another concerned shout from the bottom of the stairs.

"No, ah didn't say a thing, Applejack!" she responded in a snide tone.

"Oh, well, if'n y'all need anythin', just give a holler, all right?"

"Ah know, no need to worry about me!" by this time, she was about to explode from how angry she was. Her hooves were pounding on her wooden floor, her nostrils flared, face red and her teeth clenched.

For a while, she said nothing and just walked in front of her bed, deep in thought. She wondered if it was the same for Sweetie Belle and Rarity, but concluded that they got along to well for this type of thing to happen between them.

"Lucky Sweetie Bell!" she yelled and kicked a leg of her bed, immediately regretting doing so. "Mother of Celestia!" she yelled, hopping up and down on her three good legs. While she was writhing in pain, she failed notice the hoof steps making their way up the stairs and to her door.

Applejack slammed open her bedroom door. A large, crazy looking smile plastered on her face. "Ya hollered?"

Apple Bloom decided to go to bed early that night. "Go away, Ah'm tryin' to sleep."

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Comments ( 7 )

:rainbowhuh: Da fack? Yeah, that last line felt so forced you would think that I was the one who kicked the bed and sent the lines tumbling atop my head. :applejackconfused:

That ending is truly the only off thing about this short story/ chapter. It would have made more sense had Bloom hopped into her bed, suckling or somehow soothing her wound, before stating that last line. Maybe even did a poor job of faking asleep on the floor or something, or some expression from Bloom to seal the jester's deal.

The way it is now just feels unnatural, and knocks the humor off the nightstand.

Other than that, tis good. :twilightsmile:

I know!:rainbowlaugh: I wanted to put something in there so I could get it out today, while staying with the six word thing.
Any thing you think I could do to improve it?:duck:

Mostly, change the entire bit at the end, especially in regards to the last bit of imagery we get of Bloom before she states the line.

As I had suggested indirectly in my previous post, think a bit about the joke you are trying to make. Clearly Applebloom was not trying to go to sleep, and yet, she says that in annoyance to Applejack.

Why? Other than "cause she can", what really makes that funny? What is so funny about a filly injuring her hoof on her wooden bed? How would she convince Jack that she is actually trying to sleep? And if she fails, how does Jack respond?

The latter may not work since the last lines have to be the way they are, so you might just need to change where Bloom ends up in the scene.

Staying on her three hooves and hopping about might would be funny if you poked more fun at it. Burying her injured hoof (and perhaps pride) in the mattress or a pillow might would be a nice visual as well.

In this case, the details needed are visual cues, signs of comedy that we are used to seeing, and maybe more audio as to how it should/does sound if you so desire.

I'll work on that ending after I spend some time out side on this wonderfull Minnesotan day. It's a nice 64°F out and I can't let it go to waste.

Also in your first comment, I love that nightstand part you put in there!:rainbowlaugh:


Aye, have it. And the nightstand part was in there for chuckles as well as getting a :pinkiehappy: point across.

Thanks for the follow, man!

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