The fifth and final chapter before the bonus chapters
====APPLE DEVELOPS MAGIOS FOR NEW PRODUCT LINE====
"Everything's been prepared, sir."
"Thanks, Agent."
Many would be envious of the President of the United States of America. Who wouldn't be? The President held power over domestic and international policies, and he had already secured his position in history as the President who first talked with aliens. However, the President doubted that many people would envy his current situation. That was because his little angel Tabitha was turning 6 today. This would be difficult enough, considering the amount of friends Tabitha invited who would have to go through Secret Service to get into the White House. That was always a chore. What was worse was that all of the Equestrian Princesses were included on that guest list. So it was just when Princess Celestia had excused herself from the White House that she would inevitably return.
"Daddy, look at all these fluffy unicorns!"
"Tabitha, sweetheart. These aren't unicorns; they're alicorns."
"But they've got horns and everything!"
"Tabitha, they've also got wings."
"Doesn't that make them pegasususes?"
"No, sweetheart. An alicorn pony's got both wings and horns."
"Oh! Well why didn't you say that before, Daddy? Now come on, let's go!"
Tabitha dragged her father by the hand to the tea party currently ongoing outside on the lawn of the White House. The President couldn't really get an accurate count of how many guests, aside from the royal ponies, had arrived.
Just how many friends does Tabitha have?
Tabitha let go of her father's hand and ran up to go mingle with her friends, who were all dressed in those cheap princess costumes. They all ran around and crowded the pony princesses as if they were all at Disney World. Thankfully, the First Lady limited visits to Disney World to once every year. What flabbergasted the president, though, was that the pony princesses actually seemed to be enjoying themselves. They all talked to the girls about how pretty they were and ooh look at the dresses and the hairstyles. In turn, the girls would randomly hug the princesses and tell them about how precious they were and compliment their manes.
At least they're having a good time.
Tabitha was spending a worrying amount of time around Princess Celestia, though. The President looked around and saw the dutiful Secret Service Agents at their posts as always. He then looked over the party some more. It had all the hallmarks of a Disney-loving birthday party. It had fake tiaras and plastic dresses, cheap tea in plastic cups, and greasy cheese pizza. Taking a slice and biting into it, the President pondered getting a hard drink to help wash this pizza down. He decided against it, though, because the last president to have beer on his lawn drank his inauguration night away with friends, burned a wicker man and had to abandon the White House to partying guests until he could lure them out with even more alcohol.
Eh, it's probably for the better this way, but did it have to be ponies?
The President chuckled.
At least it wasn't little green Martians.
The President was shaken from his thoughts when he realized that a tired Princess Celestia was making her way to him.
"Long day, Your Highness?"
"Yes, Mister President. It seems that these children draw from the same unseen power source as ours do."
They both chuckled. Celestia said, "But yes, it has been a long day for me. I've been busying myself not only as the Solar Princess of Equestria, but also as head of the Earth Cuddle Crusade, which is going well, all considered."
"Hm?"
"Oh, there's complications arising from people who resist us. The usual. It's not easy being despotic."
Celestia grinned. The President raised an eyebrow.
"Oh, I was kidding!”
They were both approached by a suited pony and a suited man who both said,
“There’s a situation.”
====APPLE SUED OVER HYPERREALISTIC, SEIZURE INDUCING APPS====
After further attempts at teaching the world to fear him, Zaal’gor burned down the internet cafe and walked around the streets of the small town he had taken over. He addressed a nearby minion, an undead creature constructed from a human head, elongated ribs fashioned into claws,
and a bear body.
“Report! What are the results of the watch?”
The skeletal construct didn’t respond. The silence was unbroken for several seconds, before Zaal’gor groaned.
“Yes, that’s right. Normal undead can’t talk. I’ll need to get minions with pulses...”
Zaal’gor walked down the abandoned street, while the skeletal creature mindlessly followed.
“I should’ve captured some souls while I could, now I’ve got to check the perimeter for myself...”
Manuevering the streets didn’t prove to be a challenge for Zaal’gor, since there were big
“EVACUATE THIS WAY” signs.
“Such fools. They think fleeing my undead presence will help them in the end."
Zaal'gor continued down the streets until a figure in the skies above the streets caught Zaal'gor's attention. He looked directly at the flying intruder.
"A pegasus? They must be marshalling for battle."
The pegasus flew away, having been discovered. Zaal'gor followed the path the pesasus took.
"Yeees. Lead me to the naiive princesses. It has been eons since I've seen those foals."
Zaal'gor let loose a shrill shriek that shook windows and bones. Soon enough, undead monstrosities of varied description formed up around Zaal'gor until he had all of his forces rallied to him. Zaal'gor spoke to them, saying,
"Come, follow your master."
====RESIDENTS EVACUATE TOWN: ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HERALDED BY CUDDLEQUEST?===
"Are the troops ready, Captain?"
"Yes, Princess. They await only your word."
In the following days after the evacuation and isolation of Lone Jack, Missouri by the humans of the National Guard, Celestia recalled all ponies of the Crusade to marshal for battle and assembled local and Equestrian undead experts. Having quickly formed a battle plan, the Equestrians of the Earth Cuddle Crusade made camp just outside of the isolated zone being guarded by the National Guard. Celestia cleared her throat and left the Command Tent to an assembled group of ponies. She smiled and said,
"Ponies of the Crusade! I know that I have already asked a lot from you, to put your lives aside for the work of Harmony and peace, but these dire circumstances demand that we give even more of ourselves! Our allies have never faced an undead threat before now, and even though I have confidence they can defeat these monsters, we as their friends should not sit idly by and watch these brave humans sacrifice themselves when we can help!"
A cheer rose through the golden-armored crowd, but Celestia raised a forehoof so she could hush the crowd and continue.
"Dark forces that would dare attack us or our friends shall find that they'll have to deal with us all! If we are to continue our work in the Earth Cuddle Crusade, we must show our friends that we will be there for them! We must show this world, where doubt and fear have taken hold, that we will not be swayed by such things! We shall sing songs of our victory here, and we will all know a peace and happiness that is only gained through noblest causes! To victory!"
A much louder and more energetic cheer rose from the crowd of Royal Guard and Cuddle Crusader ponies. They stomped their armored hooves, and Celestia saw that victory was already theirs. A small device on Celestia's person beeped and a radio voice crackle. Celestia teleported away from the noise and held the device to her ear by telekinesis, and listened. Sure enough, the radio bleeped again, and a man said through it,
"This is Sentry Camp, calling Crusader Camp. Please respond, over."
"This is... Crusader Camp, Sentry Camp... over."
"Crusader Camp, be advised; all enemy elements amassing outside of Lone Jack, over."
"...Roger. These are... confirmed reports? Ah... over."
"Confirmed. Drone surveillance reads the town is empty of enemies.... Stand by, Crusader camp. Over."
After a long pause, Sentry Camp continued,
"Be advised; enemy leadership element identified themselves as Zaal'gor and is demanding an audience with the Equestrian Royalty, over."
"Copy that... over and out, Sentry Camp."
Flicking off the power switch, the Princess-turned-Crusader walked out of the tent she had been using. She saw ponies with gleaming armor strolling down the way, saluting her or bowing. Celestia eventually turned a corner and walked back inside the Command Tent, where all the Princesses had gathered. Princesses Luna, Twilight, and Cadance all looked to Princess Celestia. She said,
"My Princesses, we will fly to meet this Zaal'gor that threatens us and our friends so. Let us be off."
The metallic golden, blue, purple, and pink figures rushed out into the grey skies.
"They had better arrive."
The skeletal abomination beside Zaal'gor remained mute as Zaal'gor tapped his skeletal foot.
"I would hope that I spoke loud enough for the flying fools to hear me."
The abomination didn't answer.
"If not, then I'll just have to find them myself."
Zaal'gor turned to look his creation in the eyes, and the magical construct returned the stare its master was giving it, but as ever, it would only speak silence. After a while, Zaal'gor sighed, shook his head, and said,
"I keep forgetting that you can't even talk."
The gaze of the creature swung forward, which caused Zaal'gor to turn the same way. They saw the light coming off the gleaming armored figures approaching them.
"Look. There he is, in front of his... horrible horde."
Celestia could see that Twilight, upon actually seeing the Undead warlord, reacted pretty much how a respecter of life would react. With revulsion, fear and... a bit of curiosity. It would be only natural for her student to be mindful of the unknown. She stepped back when Celestia said,
"Try to let me talk it into reason. It seems intelligent, but not that intelligent."
Celestia walked forward to confront Zaal'gor. His undead figure towered above most of his ramshackle creations, save for a few that gave the Princess pause.
All these poor creatures. Not only has their eternal rest been interrupted, but I can't make out one undead that isn't some cruel fusion of two or more bodies.
Dark energies swirled and pulsated around the minion's bones and collected inside ribcages and skulls. Their stony gaze drifted over Celestia, but couldn't linger to look into empty eyesockets as Zaal'gor addressed the Crusader.
"Yesss. You were the one who defeated me all those centuries ago."
Celestia blinked. Had she met this person before?
"...I am ZAAL'GOR! I come for the life and light of this world!"
Celestia sat back on her armored haunches and tapped a hoof to her chin. Had she really defeated a villain like this?
"...What? Don't you recognize your old nemesis?"
Celestia scrunched her snout in thought and racked her brain, searching every synapse for a recollection of this wretched creature.
"... Seriously?"
Crusader Celestia finally shrugged. She then said,
"I don't remember defeating an undead warlord before."
Zaal'gor shook his hands in front of his face, made some frustrated noises, and shouted,
"You don't remember, when you and your lunar sister were foals?! YOU WERE THE ONLY ONES NOT SCARED OF MY POWER!"
Celestia tapped the side of her head and said,
"Sorry. We must've been too young to remember such an encounter."
Zaal'gor screamed in barely constrained fury. He then shouted,
"Gather your pitiful armies, foal! Life will finally be conquered by DeAth!"
Celestia giggled, then commented,
"Your voice cracked."
Zaal'gor threw up his bony hands, then marched into his horde, not sparing a glance backwards. Celestia felt kinda bad for messing up negotiations that badly, but the sound of an echoey, haunted voice crack just made her day. She walked back to the three other princesses, who were all straining to keep their own mirth in. Celestia broke first, and soon, the Equestrian Royalty were laughing their guts out.
"Shut up!!"
That only made them laugh even harder.
After recovering, the Royal Crusaders formed in front of the massed ranks of Royal Guardsponies armed with gleaming spears. The Griffon, Changeling, Minotaur, Buffalo, Zebra, and Dragon Crusaders were also in ranks, but with simpler armor, painted pink in places. They were also armed with spears. The alicorns regarded the troops. Celestia first felt sad at seeing all the innocent lives about to be put through the crucible of war, all the young, brave ones.
Then she saw the diversity of determined-looking faces in the crowd. She saw what were once enemies, but who had banded together for something bigger than each of them. United in purpose and soon to be unified by fighting not only for themselves, but for the friends to their right and to their left. She felt a sad pride, then. She had to take up the mantle of the determined leader, so she shouted, "To victory!"
A stomping of hooves, chittering, bellowing, and roaring answered her. Though the battle would be tough, Celestia knew that everything good empowered these brave
Crusaders, and that only Evil drove the opposing forces on. Good will always defeat Evil.
They marched.
Zaal'gor crossed his arms and tapped his fingers on his dry arm bones.
Childish fools. I can't believe I let them leave with their wretched wings still attached to their backs.
He saw the massing mortal army on the ridge, undoubtedly about to charge into his ranks.
I'm about to correct that.
The impatient Dark Lord tapped his skeletal feet on the grass.
Why aren't they attacking?
Zaal'gor cast a farsight spell and saw that the ranks of the army opposing him weren't even focusing on his army.
What...
He followed the gaze of the enemy cannon fodder, and sure enough, he saw the arrogant foal Celestia conversing with a uniformed human.
These fools don't even stand by their supposed allies’ side.
He then saw a prone human looking directly at him with an oversized pair of boxy binoculars.
Fool. You needn't build those so large.
As he watched, a red light shone from the bulky binoculars. He looked down, and saw that the light produced a red dot on his chest.
They think to kill me with this? This may work on something with a pulse, but not for a deathless creature such as I!
Zaal'gor shouted at the top of his nonexistent lungs,
"Any millenium now!"
Something funny-looking in the sky crossed Zaal'gor's eye, but he couldn't quite make out what it was.
"Crusader King Lead on target."
Zaal'gor raised his hands to magically erect a shield, but it was too late.
As the Crusaders watched, the slim egg dropped by the big, flying metal dart broke apart and revealed a little sphere, which formed a little cloud of these funny things, which slammed into the ground, and exploded. Dust rose from the impact site, and everyone was buffeted by a series of shockwaves. They all watched in stunned silence as more of these darts flew by, depositing more of these death eggs into the enemy formation. Soon, they were all obscured by dust kicked up by the explosions.
Celestia looked into the grinning human commander's face, while another human soldier said,
"The Flying Falcons were all on target, sir. Signalling the artillery."
After what seemed to be an eternity of agony, having been continuously blinded by dust and being the target of what must've been endless human weapons, a barely functional Zaal'gor staggered to his feet and looked over what was his army, now a field of blackened dust. Zaal'gor pressed his hands to the sides of his head and said,
"Get me away from this world!"
Zaal'gor then made a run for it the best he could.
"That's a tough little bugger right there. Being able to walk away from both a concentrated airstrike and artillery barrage."
Celestia could only stare in silence. What was once an army of the living dead was now laid to waste by human hands alone, and without any casualties to show for it, too.
Celestia would have to investigate the human martial prowess later, though. Zaal'gor was limping away.
"Perhaps another airstrike to remind him that he's supposed to be dead, Princess?"
Celestia then had a flash of inspiration. She turned to the human commander, adopted a maniacal grin, and said,
"That will not be nessessary."
She took off after Zaal'gor.
Zaal'gor considered his options for fleeing this world. He could not simply raise another army, since the effort it required to withstand the human assault drained enough from Zaal'gor that he barely held together his own undead form. Moving slowly, he heard the unmistakable sound of flapping feathery wings.
He whirled around, and he risked it to throw a spell at the incoming attacker. To his horror, his attack missed. To his horror, he realized that his attacker was no less than the Solar Diarch herself. To his horror, Zaal'gor realized that Celestia had the broadest grin a pony could muster.
To his horror, the energy required for Zaal'gor's last ditch attack had weakened him further, and he would've fallen over backwards feebly had he not been tackled by the Princess. He closed his eyes and waited for the end.
Perhaps Celestia would crush Zaal'gor. Perhaps she would tear him apart. Perhaps she would burn him to ashes, and burn away the ashes.
Or perhaps all three.
Zaal'gor would be destroyed any second now.
Any second now.
Zaal'gor opened his eyes and beheld that his attacker was merely holding him. Very close, as a matter of fact. Zaal'gor had heard of "Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer", but this was ridiculous.
"What are you..."
"Sssh..."
"Don't you..."
"Hush."
"What are you even..."
"Hugging you."
Celestia giggled, and Zaal'gor realized how much in grave danger he was in. He weakly struggled against the warm constraint, but it quickly dawned on him that he was doomed.
"Now, isn't that better?"
Celestia rubbed the side of her head against the side of his head. It must have been some sort of sick mortal ritual.
"I... don't actually feel anything."
"Oh, you will."
As soon as Celestia had said that, Zaal'gor felt a warm, cloying energy starting to burn within his chest, and it soon spread throughout him. Zaal'gor renewed his struggling, but Celestia held him tighter, sealing his fate. Soon, Zaal'gor's mind was at war with itself.
You know, this isn't half bad.
This is a foolish and futile mortal trick, and you know it!
You've known naught but cold for a million millenia. Would you really forsake the warm kindness of a friend?
Warmth is something forever lost to me when I died!
But you can feel it now, right?
And sure enough, the undead warlord felt a kind of warmth that he had all but forgotten.
It feels... so nice. I feel... content.
Yes. Let it heal what has been hurt, and you can finally begin again! It's what our new friend would want! Just accept the hug from the Princess!
...Y-yes. It is what she wants. To be finally warm again.
The Princess smiled warmly as the once cold hands snaked up to return the hug and accept the hug given to him.
"See? It'll all be fine."
And so it was.
The proper artwork is on the way, but I wanted to get this out of the way on the night of my 21st birthday.
[FWEEEEET]
Now that I've posted this, I would like to say...
Thank you.
Thank you all for the ride that is Fimfiction, and for giving this story attention that I thought it was never going to get.
This doesn't mean that the ride is over, oh no. I'll make more chapters as more ideas hit me, and I'm thinking of making the next chapter title "Nork Thorea". 
Until next time, my friends.
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WE ARE GOING EXTREMELY LIVE FIRE ALL THE THINGS
One airstrike and an artillery barrage...
Well. The war between the living and the dead was NOT what George Romero promised it would be.
An airstrike and a barrage did not finish him off.
But a hug did....... huh. We all just need one at least once in our lives.
5019446
5019427
People (Max Brooks cough cough) generally severely nerf the military into nothing more then ineffectual blockheads.
What happened there was a litte event called reality ensues.
On another note, how do you guys like my new cover work for this?
5019621 I can dig it
5019701
Really?
Take all of my internets plz
5019723 Yes. Maybe I've been away too long, but this kind of optimism is difficult to come by.
This was actually quite awesome
I was wondering if the humans would attempt bombing and artillery - and lo and behold, they did! And almost nothing was left. As it should be!
Also, happy birthday (whether on time, early, or belated)!
Well, it seems that none of the uncuddled humans got away...
...too bad
The sadist in me wants to see the ponies try to cuddle someone with haphephobia.
I love how humans in this story are like.
-_- Huh, magical space pony princesses. ...well I guess we can't kill them.
5020948
yeah dude you all need to mellow out
5019621 Then there's magic, and you never have to explain anything when it comes to magic. *Universe explodes* Why? Because magic, that's why bitches! *Artillery and bombs dissapear* Why? Because it's god damn magic! I just spaced all your artillery and all your soldiers and all your technology into space, BECAUSE OF GOD DAMN MAGIC!! *STARTS RUNNING AROUND SCREAMING RANDOM NONSENSE* AHHGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
FINAL CHAPTER!?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
5021909
It's only the end of the main arc
If honesty, loyalty, kindness, laughter, generosity, and magic were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse!
Half the reason I read this is because of the hilarious news headlines.
5022523 OMG I LOVE THOSE THINGS (on your profile pic)
5022447 yeah but but id be so much better (and thered be more hippies)
And so, love conquers all.
Horrible, evil, tyrannical love.
*Alondro flees to the comfort of hate and fear and pestilence...*
and i leave planet earth FOREVEEEEEEEEER
Was I the only one that saw this and immediately thought: Nuclear launch detected.?
5022447
I disagree.
THAT! WAS! AWESOME!
So damn awesomely anti-climatic and, works so well. Yeah loved it. Huge army, all preparing for war, for grand battle.. oh.. wait, no need, couple drone strikes, some artillery, problem solved. Then finish it up with a hug. Just, perfect. I.. really have little else to say to that. Hilarious and awesome end to a hilariously awesome story.
Also, yeah LOVE the new cover art, really fits the story.
That ending though.
4203100
*Leans in*
So... did I pull it off?
5131038 Yes. And seeing as how you are now 21, cheers!
This has a meaning.....
5469035
...?
5469043 even with its comedic nature, i tip my hat....
5471642
Thank you.
5023666
Couldn't leave well enough alone, could'ya?
5022447
HAHAHAAAHAHAHAAAAAAAHAHAHAaaaa.....
No.
4847560
...did you seriously just post that on the comments section of a story written by a moderator of the Humans Are Superior group?
5574652
...you serious?
5575636
Maybe
5574640 Feh, leaving well enough alone is not what we scientists do!
We're not satisfied until something explodes!
5574652 The Humans are Superior group is the only reason I am in favor of aliens taking over the world... for no other reason than to do this to them.
(I voted for Kodos!)
5581923
Are you really so childish that you oppose 1600 people just to mock them like a fifth grader?
How did you even become a scientist?
5582868
5581923
Take it to PMs, please.
Really enjoyed the story! Thank you for writting it!
5583567 Nom?
8313001
The first one.
How can you have a sequel to a story that only has one chapter and is incomplete?
9196921
I'm not sure I understand your meaning.
9197020
You said right in the beginning of the description
and when I click on the link it takes me to an incomplete story. So, I was asking how there can be a sequel when the story preceding it isn’t even complete.
9197130
It became a prequel for the lols.
That was a cute story.