• Published 2nd Apr 2014
  • 10,218 Views, 434 Comments

The Cuddlequest of Earth - Tyrannosaurus_Tux



Cuddles are great, especially when they're used globally.

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The fourth consecutive chapter

====MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES TELEKINECT: NOW PLAY GAMES WITH YOUR MIND====


Archibald sighed as he strolled through Boston Park. He was wearing jeans and a blue sweatshirt, which was ruffled with age. The sweatshirt even had some scuff marks. The madness that the world had come to was just adding up, and it threatened to overwhelm Archibald.

Cthulhu cults, the appearance of fantasy aliens in a small US town one day, and the following Cuddlequest.

Cuddlequest.

Where apparently the magic of friendship and the magic of being cuddled were evidently real things now, and that they believed hugs and nuzzles were a social cure-all and everyone was invited to have one.

Archibald would never admit this to anyone, but he remained free of the alien magic that ran through so many of his friends’ veins.

I mean, sure it turned a couple of rotten people into the best of friends, but...

It saddened Archibald to no end that the world might finally know global peace, but that it wasn't brought about by men. Instead, it would be brought about by these things with wings or horns or sometimes even both that fell from the sky. Sure, it was all and well that people were becoming better, but...

It still seemed a hollow victory for Archibald. He was confident that man would reach this point on their own, but now? Archibald wasn't so sure.

Could we have made it, and for that matter, have we actually made it? I know there are others like me, but is that a good or bad thing?

Archibald spotted an old man sitting alone on a park bench, just tossing some bread crumbs to some pigeons. The old man was wearing some nice formal dress, but Archibald didn't know what for. The man even wore an old-style bowler hat atop his head. Archibald figured this bench was a good place to stop for awhile. He sat down, straightened his jacket, and returned to his thoughts while staring idly at the autumn-tinted trees. He was shaken from his stupor when he realized the old man had asked him a question.

"Hm?"

"Crazy year, isn't it?"

" How do you deal with it all?"

"Oh... I suppose I deal with it as it comes. No use making plans if they just fall apart anyway. Can't say I can complain about not having company anymore. Loneliness isn't something a man my age needs or desires... but it's something a man like myself gets all too often."

"Oh. I'm sorry, what was your name?"

"Deere."

The two men shook hands.

"My name's Archibald."

"Heh. Used to know a guy called Archibald. Worked marine shipping. I always teased him because his name's the same as that drunkard comedy relief sailor from that comic book series. Oh... what was it called?"

Archibald knew exactly what Deere was talking about, but didn't comment on it.

"Ah, it's nothing. The kids these days are on about something else, though... what's it called..."

"...Star Wars?"

"Wait, they're still around?"

"Yeah. They made 3 new movies and everything. Kids love 'em, but the adult fans hate 'em even more than they hated the prequels."

Deere chuckled.

"I guess we old people just despise the new, huh?"

"Well now that you say it, that reminds me of an elderly CEO of some upstart game company. They..."

And so Archibald and Deere shot the breeze about the latest and greatest, as well as the classics.

"I'm telling you, Deere. These kids aren't even musicians anymore! I think that music reached its peak with Queen, Led Zepplin, and the like."

"Hah! No argument there. To give the young'uns credit, though, there are exceptions."

"Well, yeah. Hopefully they won't let us down."

"Speaking of letdowns, someone was supposed to be here."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Am I taking their space?"

"Oh, no. It's fine. I'm sure she's forgotten to meet up with me, busy as she is. There's always tomorrow."

"Oh. Well. Who's this 'she', then?"

"Just a new friend of mine. I'm sure you could be friends, too. After all, that's why she came to this world. To make friends.”

"U-Uh, oh! A Cuddle Crusader?"

"Yeah. Not too many people come to see some geezer, much less make friends. I should count myself fortunate, as should you."

"Yeah, I don't really... know that this is good for us, ya know? Shouldn't we have been able to resolve our differences ourselves? I mean if we can't do it alone..."

"Son, let me tell you a story...
“It was about when I was just as young as you are, looking to make my way in the world. I'd had my share of successes and crises, but I figured I could take them.

“That is, until I lost my family."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. My loving parents and my siblings went out on a surprise roadtrip to pay me a visit to my college campus. Some druggie went into the oncoming lane, and everybody was subsequently killed."

"That's horrible."

"That it was. I've made my peace with that since then. I was distraught. I thought God, the world, and fate had abandoned me. I was all set to power through the agony and the pain by myself, as I thought I must..."

Deere took a deep breath and composed himself.

"When my friends and my future wife pulled through for me. I realized then that as I shared my agony and soul-scarring hurt with them, it lessened. It became a dull throb instead of a pulsing, pounding and overwhelming tide of misery."

Deere sighed happily.

" I learned that as long as you've got friends who can help, you can pull each other through anything the universe chucks at you. I suppose the same could be said of mankind. It's just fortunate that the first alien life we've encountered proved more friend than foe. That could prove... quite messy."

As Archibald considered Deere's words, Deere pulled out something from his coat pocket. It was a simple silver whistle. Deere twiddled the whistle between his wrinkled fingers.

"Even if our new friends have proven so far to be quite a handful. Heh. This old age is more manageable with this... magic. It doesn't hurt that our new friends are soft, though. Wouldn't you agree?"

"I haven't exactly been cuddled so I wouldn’t know..."

Archibald realized his mistake too late and covered his mouth with his hands.

"Ooh, you shouldn't have said that. The trees have ears, you know."

With that, Deere blew once on the whistle, and from behind a nearby tree, Chrysalis walked into view.

"Good morning, Mister Deere."

"Good morning, Your Highness."

Archibald paled and got up to flee the scene.

Or he would, if Chrysalis didn't immediately grasp him with her telekinesis and press him into her chest as she took his place on the park bench. Chrysalis then trapped Archibald with her hind legs as he struggled.

"How's your day, Deere?"

"Oh, it's been lovely, thanks. How's the crusade?"

"I've heard rumors that we're deploying to South America next."

"Is that so? Well, the humidity might not agree with me, but where duty calls, I suppose."

Deere looked over to where Archibald was fruitlessly grabbing at Chrysalis’s forelegs in an effort to escape.

"Oh, stop cussing and fussing, boy. You just look like a dang fool."

The young man sighed and relaxed. Perhaps being cuddled wouldn't be so bad after all...


====MAN ARRESTED AFTER ACCIDENTALLY TELEPATHICALLY TRANSMITTING BOMB THREAT THROUGH TELEKINECT====


"FLEEEEE, FOOOOLS!"

Zaal'gor and his newly christened army of the dead marched down the street of a small American town. Humans everywhere were fleeing from Zaal’gor and his horde. Zaal'gor didn't even need to slay one of them. Besides, they would make useful servants later. Zaal'gor threw his head back again and laughed. Soon, Zaal’gor stumbled onto a cafe, so he bid his army sweep the streets of the cowards while he investigated this human bastion.

The cafe had been abandoned in a rush, and there were no more living souls there. However, something caught Zaal'gor’s eye.

"It seeems to be... some sort of... device..."

The device consisted of a glowing screen which was framed by exceedingly shiny silver material. There were curious buttons with numbers and letters on then. Another odd thing was a device that was attached to the screen and button board. It was something Zaal'gor determined could fit into a normal human palm. There were also components on this attached device that depressed and made a fascinating clicking sound.

But enough of the device. Zaal'gor turned his attention to the screen.

The glowing screen presented to him displayed a curious registration form for a service that oddly enough was called...

"Twitter..."

Zaal'gor deduced that this could be useful, so he filled out the required fields by using the most curious instrument of inputting data. Having filled the form, Zaal'gor noticed the word "ENTER" on his... input board.

"That muuuuust be the correct key to presss heeere...."

So Zaal'gor pressed "Enter". The display changed, and Zaal'gor was presented with the ability to tell the world anything he wanted.

If it was under a certain amount of characters, that is.

Zaal'gor calculated how he was going to word his evil announcement to the world. After a while, having finished his thoughts, Zaal'gor inputed,

"ATTENTION, WORLD OF MORTALS: ZAAL'GOR HAS COME TO CLAIM YOU. RESIST AND DIE."

Zaal'gor then pressed "Enter", and his message was displayed for all to see. Soon enough, the screen displayed Zaal'gor's dire message to the world. Surely the message would cause the puny humans to surrender right away. Zaal'gor cackled loudly, reverberating through the discarded cafe before a noise brought back his concentration.

"Aaahh, some mortal dares to respond to my challenge!"

Zaal'gor read the new display, which read,

"KingSeaKing: lol @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer #TwitterRP"

"I... I do not understand..."

*Tweet* Another message. Zaal'gor quickly diverted his attention to the new message.

"HermionetehWitch: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer I haven't seen one of THESE in a while #Persona"

"...What?"

Another one.

"Mr1337N3X4S: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer Zaal'gor MORE LIKE GAY GOR LOLOL #IOWNU"

Zaal'gor was confused. Just what did that human imply?

Another one.

"SensualSwordfish: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer Maybe we could... roleplay sometimes ;) #Twitteroleplay"

Zaal'gor utilized the palm-clicker to click "Reply" so he could retort to all the insolent humans who dare to insult him.

"I AM ZAAL'GOR THE DESTROYER, AND YOU WILL SHOW RESPECT FOR YOUR BETTERS, MORTALS!"

Zaal'gor angrily tapped the "Enter" button.

There was yet another noise from the computer.

"UnHolyCultOfCthulhu: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer Sorry, but you ain't no Cthulhu. #Cthulhu5lyfe"

Who is this Cthulhu?!

Yet another tweet.

"RavesnReviews: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer Oh, look. It's ANOTHER Grim Reaper Twitter Roleplayer. #thisagain"

Zaal'gor had a realization. These humans thought he wasn't serious. They were toying with him.

Zaal'gor gnashed his sharp teeth together, causing a most unpleasant grinding sound.

Another noise.

"PartePone115: HI @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer! WANT A CUPCAKE? #cupcakesaregoodforursoul"

Zaal'gor pounded his fist on the table, becoming more agitated with these defiant mortals.

So he typed into the prompt again to educate the mortals on their imminent fate.

"DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT DEATH COMES FOR THIS WORLD? YOU WILL ALL BURN IN FIRE!"

After confirming his message, Zaal'gor awaited the answer from the feeble masses. And reply they did.

They just keep coming.

"ImperatorAmericana: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer #likefire #hellfire #thisfireinmyskin"

Zaal'gor knew not what the mortal spoke of, and that infuriated him.

"HemenghisExMortis: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer FINALLY A VILLAINOUS RIVAL TO TEST MY METTLE #1v1"

Zaal'gor maneuvered the machine to reply to this... Mortis.

"FOOL! DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I AM NOW YOUR SUPERIOR?! YOU SHOULD COUNT YOURSELVES LUCKY I DIDN'T KILL YOU ALL ON SIGHT!"

The computer chirped at him again

"BastionofBrad: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer You could use some dermatologist help. Put some lotion on your skin. #itputsthelotiononitsskin"

Even though Zaal'gor required no oxygen, his breath quickened and deepened in rage.

Another tweet.

"FührerYüri: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer lol liches from WoW were cooler #MLG"

Zaal'gor loudly growled. How dare they?

The computer tweeted at Zaal’gor again.

"SensualSwordfish: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer So, how about that session? ;3 #uknouwantit"

"RAAAGH!"

Zaal'gor picked up the device with the palm-clicker dangling off of it, carried it outside, and threw it across town.

"YOU WILL ALL FEAR ZAAL'GOR THE DESTROYER! ...You watch!"

Zaal'gor walked back inside the cafe to locate another device. This insolence would be punished, one way or the other.

Author's Note:

Hopefully I'm not losing my touch.

Those twitter names were fun to make up.