====MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES TELEKINECT: NOW PLAY GAMES WITH YOUR MIND====
Archibald sighed as he strolled through Boston Park. He was wearing jeans and a blue sweatshirt, which was ruffled with age. The sweatshirt even had some scuff marks. The madness that the world had come to was just adding up, and it threatened to overwhelm Archibald.
Cthulhu cults, the appearance of fantasy aliens in a small US town one day, and the following Cuddlequest.
Cuddlequest.
Where apparently the magic of friendship and the magic of being cuddled were evidently real things now, and that they believed hugs and nuzzles were a social cure-all and everyone was invited to have one.
Archibald would never admit this to anyone, but he remained free of the alien magic that ran through so many of his friends’ veins.
I mean, sure it turned a couple of rotten people into the best of friends, but...
It saddened Archibald to no end that the world might finally know global peace, but that it wasn't brought about by men. Instead, it would be brought about by these things with wings or horns or sometimes even both that fell from the sky. Sure, it was all and well that people were becoming better, but...
It still seemed a hollow victory for Archibald. He was confident that man would reach this point on their own, but now? Archibald wasn't so sure.
Could we have made it, and for that matter, have we actually made it? I know there are others like me, but is that a good or bad thing?
Archibald spotted an old man sitting alone on a park bench, just tossing some bread crumbs to some pigeons. The old man was wearing some nice formal dress, but Archibald didn't know what for. The man even wore an old-style bowler hat atop his head. Archibald figured this bench was a good place to stop for awhile. He sat down, straightened his jacket, and returned to his thoughts while staring idly at the autumn-tinted trees. He was shaken from his stupor when he realized the old man had asked him a question.
"Hm?"
"Crazy year, isn't it?"
" How do you deal with it all?"
"Oh... I suppose I deal with it as it comes. No use making plans if they just fall apart anyway. Can't say I can complain about not having company anymore. Loneliness isn't something a man my age needs or desires... but it's something a man like myself gets all too often."
"Oh. I'm sorry, what was your name?"
"Deere."
The two men shook hands.
"My name's Archibald."
"Heh. Used to know a guy called Archibald. Worked marine shipping. I always teased him because his name's the same as that drunkard comedy relief sailor from that comic book series. Oh... what was it called?"
Archibald knew exactly what Deere was talking about, but didn't comment on it.
"Ah, it's nothing. The kids these days are on about something else, though... what's it called..."
"...Star Wars?"
"Wait, they're still around?"
"Yeah. They made 3 new movies and everything. Kids love 'em, but the adult fans hate 'em even more than they hated the prequels."
Deere chuckled.
"I guess we old people just despise the new, huh?"
"Well now that you say it, that reminds me of an elderly CEO of some upstart game company. They..."
And so Archibald and Deere shot the breeze about the latest and greatest, as well as the classics.
"I'm telling you, Deere. These kids aren't even musicians anymore! I think that music reached its peak with Queen, Led Zepplin, and the like."
"Hah! No argument there. To give the young'uns credit, though, there are exceptions."
"Well, yeah. Hopefully they won't let us down."
"Speaking of letdowns, someone was supposed to be here."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Am I taking their space?"
"Oh, no. It's fine. I'm sure she's forgotten to meet up with me, busy as she is. There's always tomorrow."
"Oh. Well. Who's this 'she', then?"
"Just a new friend of mine. I'm sure you could be friends, too. After all, that's why she came to this world. To make friends.”
"U-Uh, oh! A Cuddle Crusader?"
"Yeah. Not too many people come to see some geezer, much less make friends. I should count myself fortunate, as should you."
"Yeah, I don't really... know that this is good for us, ya know? Shouldn't we have been able to resolve our differences ourselves? I mean if we can't do it alone..."
"Son, let me tell you a story...
“It was about when I was just as young as you are, looking to make my way in the world. I'd had my share of successes and crises, but I figured I could take them.
“That is, until I lost my family."
"Oh, I'm sorry."
"Don't be. My loving parents and my siblings went out on a surprise roadtrip to pay me a visit to my college campus. Some druggie went into the oncoming lane, and everybody was subsequently killed."
"That's horrible."
"That it was. I've made my peace with that since then. I was distraught. I thought God, the world, and fate had abandoned me. I was all set to power through the agony and the pain by myself, as I thought I must..."
Deere took a deep breath and composed himself.
"When my friends and my future wife pulled through for me. I realized then that as I shared my agony and soul-scarring hurt with them, it lessened. It became a dull throb instead of a pulsing, pounding and overwhelming tide of misery."
Deere sighed happily.
" I learned that as long as you've got friends who can help, you can pull each other through anything the universe chucks at you. I suppose the same could be said of mankind. It's just fortunate that the first alien life we've encountered proved more friend than foe. That could prove... quite messy."
As Archibald considered Deere's words, Deere pulled out something from his coat pocket. It was a simple silver whistle. Deere twiddled the whistle between his wrinkled fingers.
"Even if our new friends have proven so far to be quite a handful. Heh. This old age is more manageable with this... magic. It doesn't hurt that our new friends are soft, though. Wouldn't you agree?"
"I haven't exactly been cuddled so I wouldn’t know..."
Archibald realized his mistake too late and covered his mouth with his hands.
"Ooh, you shouldn't have said that. The trees have ears, you know."
With that, Deere blew once on the whistle, and from behind a nearby tree, Chrysalis walked into view.
"Good morning, Mister Deere."
"Good morning, Your Highness."
Archibald paled and got up to flee the scene.
Or he would, if Chrysalis didn't immediately grasp him with her telekinesis and press him into her chest as she took his place on the park bench. Chrysalis then trapped Archibald with her hind legs as he struggled.
"How's your day, Deere?"
"Oh, it's been lovely, thanks. How's the crusade?"
"I've heard rumors that we're deploying to South America next."
"Is that so? Well, the humidity might not agree with me, but where duty calls, I suppose."
Deere looked over to where Archibald was fruitlessly grabbing at Chrysalis’s forelegs in an effort to escape.
"Oh, stop cussing and fussing, boy. You just look like a dang fool."
The young man sighed and relaxed. Perhaps being cuddled wouldn't be so bad after all...
====MAN ARRESTED AFTER ACCIDENTALLY TELEPATHICALLY TRANSMITTING BOMB THREAT THROUGH TELEKINECT====
"FLEEEEE, FOOOOLS!"
Zaal'gor and his newly christened army of the dead marched down the street of a small American town. Humans everywhere were fleeing from Zaal’gor and his horde. Zaal'gor didn't even need to slay one of them. Besides, they would make useful servants later. Zaal'gor threw his head back again and laughed. Soon, Zaal’gor stumbled onto a cafe, so he bid his army sweep the streets of the cowards while he investigated this human bastion.
The cafe had been abandoned in a rush, and there were no more living souls there. However, something caught Zaal'gor’s eye.
"It seeems to be... some sort of... device..."
The device consisted of a glowing screen which was framed by exceedingly shiny silver material. There were curious buttons with numbers and letters on then. Another odd thing was a device that was attached to the screen and button board. It was something Zaal'gor determined could fit into a normal human palm. There were also components on this attached device that depressed and made a fascinating clicking sound.
But enough of the device. Zaal'gor turned his attention to the screen.
The glowing screen presented to him displayed a curious registration form for a service that oddly enough was called...
"Twitter..."
Zaal'gor deduced that this could be useful, so he filled out the required fields by using the most curious instrument of inputting data. Having filled the form, Zaal'gor noticed the word "ENTER" on his... input board.
"That muuuuust be the correct key to presss heeere...."
So Zaal'gor pressed "Enter". The display changed, and Zaal'gor was presented with the ability to tell the world anything he wanted.
If it was under a certain amount of characters, that is.
Zaal'gor calculated how he was going to word his evil announcement to the world. After a while, having finished his thoughts, Zaal'gor inputed,
"ATTENTION, WORLD OF MORTALS: ZAAL'GOR HAS COME TO CLAIM YOU. RESIST AND DIE."
Zaal'gor then pressed "Enter", and his message was displayed for all to see. Soon enough, the screen displayed Zaal'gor's dire message to the world. Surely the message would cause the puny humans to surrender right away. Zaal'gor cackled loudly, reverberating through the discarded cafe before a noise brought back his concentration.
"Aaahh, some mortal dares to respond to my challenge!"
Zaal'gor read the new display, which read,
"KingSeaKing: lol @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer #TwitterRP"
"I... I do not understand..."
*Tweet* Another message. Zaal'gor quickly diverted his attention to the new message.
"HermionetehWitch: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer I haven't seen one of THESE in a while #Persona"
"...What?"
Another one.
"Mr1337N3X4S: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer Zaal'gor MORE LIKE GAY GOR LOLOL #IOWNU"
Zaal'gor was confused. Just what did that human imply?
Another one.
"SensualSwordfish: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer Maybe we could... roleplay sometimes ;) #Twitteroleplay"
Zaal'gor utilized the palm-clicker to click "Reply" so he could retort to all the insolent humans who dare to insult him.
"I AM ZAAL'GOR THE DESTROYER, AND YOU WILL SHOW RESPECT FOR YOUR BETTERS, MORTALS!"
Zaal'gor angrily tapped the "Enter" button.
There was yet another noise from the computer.
"UnHolyCultOfCthulhu: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer Sorry, but you ain't no Cthulhu. #Cthulhu5lyfe"
Who is this Cthulhu?!
Yet another tweet.
"RavesnReviews: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer Oh, look. It's ANOTHER Grim Reaper Twitter Roleplayer. #thisagain"
Zaal'gor had a realization. These humans thought he wasn't serious. They were toying with him.
Zaal'gor gnashed his sharp teeth together, causing a most unpleasant grinding sound.
Another noise.
"PartePone115: HI @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer! WANT A CUPCAKE? #cupcakesaregoodforursoul"
Zaal'gor pounded his fist on the table, becoming more agitated with these defiant mortals.
So he typed into the prompt again to educate the mortals on their imminent fate.
"DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT DEATH COMES FOR THIS WORLD? YOU WILL ALL BURN IN FIRE!"
After confirming his message, Zaal'gor awaited the answer from the feeble masses. And reply they did.
They just keep coming.
"ImperatorAmericana: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer #likefire #hellfire #thisfireinmyskin"
Zaal'gor knew not what the mortal spoke of, and that infuriated him.
"HemenghisExMortis: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer FINALLY A VILLAINOUS RIVAL TO TEST MY METTLE #1v1"
Zaal'gor maneuvered the machine to reply to this... Mortis.
"FOOL! DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I AM NOW YOUR SUPERIOR?! YOU SHOULD COUNT YOURSELVES LUCKY I DIDN'T KILL YOU ALL ON SIGHT!"
The computer chirped at him again
"BastionofBrad: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer You could use some dermatologist help. Put some lotion on your skin. #itputsthelotiononitsskin"
Even though Zaal'gor required no oxygen, his breath quickened and deepened in rage.
Another tweet.
"FührerYüri: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer lol liches from WoW were cooler #MLG"
Zaal'gor loudly growled. How dare they?
The computer tweeted at Zaal’gor again.
"SensualSwordfish: @Zaal'gorTheDestroyer So, how about that session? ;3 #uknouwantit"
"RAAAGH!"
Zaal'gor picked up the device with the palm-clicker dangling off of it, carried it outside, and threw it across town.
"YOU WILL ALL FEAR ZAAL'GOR THE DESTROYER! ...You watch!"
Zaal'gor walked back inside the cafe to locate another device. This insolence would be punished, one way or the other.
[Sob] "Why couldn't it be me".
The Twitter session had me cackling like a madman.
Frick, every time I see this I say- I don't want to, I really shouldn't.- but then I do and feel great because it's plain hilarious.
>>>It still seemed a hollow victory for Archibald. He was confident that man would reach this point on their own, but now? >>>
In an alternate universe, Archibald approaches a mostly buried statue on the edge of a beach. He realizes it's the Statue of Liberty. Collapsing in despair, he cries out, 'YOU MANIACS!!! YOU BLEW IT UP!!"
4351117 dito
Alas for the undead... for they were no match for the power of Staphylococus aureus.
When it doubt about invaders from beyond, throw germs at em!
It worked great against Martians!
sp3.yimg.com/ib/th?id=HN.608048033584252987&pid=15.1
4351186 All I could think of when I read that was "Hands of my Waifu".
4351117
I agree with you, bro. Let us both cry into our respective beers in manly silence.
4351117 you know what? The whole damn world would explode!
That twitter battle was hilarious.
4351243
encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS0ka2LOsySiXAu5tKS12BrrkC-pigFghHd6vaQHs4fh3DG68bN5g
Chrysalis for life Bro
4351260
Chrysalis for Life, my friend.
derpicdn.net/img/2012/12/12/181041/thumb.jpg
An Elder God walked into humanity and Twitter. We confused the shit out of him.
To be blunt this hugging would n's effect many.
Uhbuh... Buh... Wa...? .-.
I'm just waiting for the one human gives the ponies a no nonsense speech about humanity and why we shouldn't be ashamed of the fact of our anger, shouldn't try to 'cure' the one thing that kept us alive in a world that wanted us dead. And that eventually, the ponies are going to encounter a problem that isn't black and white, that kindness can't solve. And then they will see why their cuddle crusade is a useless waste of time and effort. That sometimes...anger and rage when used properly, can be a weapon of good and freedom.
...Or be tacked by ponies.
4351544
It's all part of the plan.
4351548
Yes...the plan...
No seriously love your work, can't wait to see more.
Straddled (in a manner) by Chrysalis. I've read enough clopfics...
4351169 oh nice plantet of the apes reference
all in all very funny chapter don't know who that last guy was but he just got owned on twitter lol.
4351459 but it's magical hugging
4352111 That would mean pony deaths in the streets.
4352260 explain
4352265 To be blunt if I was in that universe I would be the one putting the ponies there. Imagine the thoughts of the guy in this chapter but what with a far far far far far more anger and moral indignation.
Humanity should be the only one to decide our future. Any infringement on that would be a declaration of war on my part.
4352278 and how do you plan on convincing humanity on the justness of your cause? Or convince humanity to agree and do something about anything for that matter?
4352284 I don't have to. Its in the very nature of humanity to resist such things.
Even if magic was to suppress that it would only drive those who have not been affect to be more certain of it.
What the ponies are doing is morally wrong. Its horrendous. While most could not put words to the why that does not mean they wouldn't feel it.
Lawl, so many hashtags! LET THE GAMES BEGIN!
Okay, this chapter. This chapter is the one that added this to my fave's listings.
Humanity needs to get it's edge back. I suggest watching an awesome animation of something cute getting beaten up:
I wonder what magic pony cuddles would do to a true sociopath; someone who is actually physically incapable of feeling sympathy for another or giving a damn about anyone but himself (that is a sociopath, right? I'm pretty sure psychopaths are something slightly different).
4351206
Yes, I'm sure they can feel the sickness coursing through the vein that they don't have, eating away at the flesh that they never use.
There's a reason zombies are more often the products of bioweapons that the targets.
Plus if these are magical undead, even normal "zombie Apocalypse" practices like blowing their heads off won't work.
4352307
I agree with you to a point; Humanity could definitely use some help, but just coming in and "fixing" everything is not the right way to go about it, or even a good way. What it is is the easy way; it's how Christians "helped" the Celts and Scots, and how Europeans "helped" the native Africans and Americans. Sure they may have good intentions, but something important is always left behind as "obsolete" even if it "works out," and it will more likely than not leave a history of violence and resentment.
In this case, said violence would almost certainly come from religious and revolutionary nutjobs coming out of the woodworks to "smite the false saviors," or "take back humanity's future."
On the Internet, no one knows you're a demon.
Amusing as always, and I completely agree about the music. And that's coming from someone who's turning 27 this year. I look forward to more.
I loved this chapter. Especially with the Twitter. He may be a powerful creature, but he is no match against humans on a social network.
It seems the longer this goes on, the ponies are having a harder and harder time tracking down the "uncuddled".
4352589 I'm not sure you could use the Christian interactions with the Celts and Scots as evidence against "fixing" by force. For one, there is no similarity, since the Christians evangelized rather than invading and forcing conversions; the 'barbarians' accepted the new worldview with full knowledge and freedom of choice. Furthermore, it worked for the better in all ways: the former 'pagan barbarians' entered civilization, became peaceful and honorable, preserved classic manuscripts, improved their standard of living, grew their own culture (Celtic hymns and illuminations, anyone?). The real problem is that the harmony in this story is imposed from the top down; without widespread popular support, that becomes a rebellious, wretched society, no matter how many 'cuddle police' you have.
I am waiting with batted breath for Zaalgor to begin his hun for Man-Bear-Pig.. O_o
4355941
"Hi, we're from a better civilization, and we're here to help."
"Have you accepted
GodHarmony into your heart?""No?"
"Well you should do that now, because that's what we did and look how much better our civilization is."
"What's that?"
"Significant portions of your culture are dedicated to things that go against
the Word of GodHarmony?""Just leave those behind and forget about them. You don't need them anymore now that you have
GodHarmony!"And honestly, that was one of the few cases where it "worked out." They only lost chunks of their cultural identity instead of their land, lives, and/or entire way of life, but because most of them gave it up willingly and nobody tried to preserve any of the "blasphemous, savage" knowledge (or rather, the ones who did were persecuted as witches, heretics and Satan-worshipers), those parts of their history are far harder to accurately learn about than similar stages in other "barbarian" civilizations like the Native Africans and Americans.
So you could say they that by going Christian they lost less and more than than some more violently subjugated cultures.
4353136
Not even humans are well matched on the humans who thrive on the cyber juices of internet sites.
4352589 Uhm, if the zombies' flesh all turns to liquified bacterial byproducts, they kinda fall apart.
And bacteria work really fast once they get going.
4359510
But how good are they with bones?
Or, if Zaalad'Bar here can manage that kind of thing, vengeful souls with neither flesh nor substance to strike at?
There's a reason necromancers are considered among the more dangerous magic-based bad guys one can face.
Case and Point: the Undead Scourge of Warcraft fame.
4359624
D-Did you just
Can I steal that so I can insult Zaal'gor with it?
4359668
I'd be honored!
To think, the author using my insult on one of his own characters!
*fangasm*
4359624 Bones are calcium phosphate in an organic matrix. Bones exposed to the air would break down after a while unless they stayed very dry.
I've seen deer skeletons out in the woods. After a few years, the bones become very brittle from decay and weathering.
Now, it's simple to fix that with magic zombies. You just slap a magical preservation spell on them and problem solved!
4359767
Actually, I'm pretty sure some level of magical preservation against bacterial and environmental decay is pretty much built into any sort of corpse-animating magic; many an adventuring party has cracked open even centuries-old tombs to find the occupants as ripe and hungry as ever.
Plus, as you said that kind of weathering takes at least a few year to really set in even after the flesh is gone, while the blighter itself can easily bring in enough bodies to replace it a dozen times over in that timeframe (assuming its unlife and mobility isn't cut "tragically" short).
Also (and this is something that just now occurred to me), unless you have them completely contained, hitting zombies with flesh-eating bacteria would be a very bad idea because then you end up with zombies that transfer said flesh-eating bacteria to everything and everyone they touch.
Also, depending on the circumstances, the zombies may just use the bacterial wastes as replacement flesh, and the disease may or may not turn anyone infected with it into a zombie themselves. A little bit of magic could make that really come back to bite you.
On the other hand, this is giving me some cool ideas for my D&D campaign.
4360391 Well, most flesh-eating bacteria aren't deadly to people with a strong immune system. I'm assuming zombies don't exactly have an immune system, since they're kinda not-really-alive.
Though, the bacteria in the mouth of a Komodo dragon are really nasty, virulent, and exceedingly fast-acting.
There's also opportunistic fungi everywhere. Stuff like Fusarium species and Mucor mycosis that make short work of flesh.
Hmm, I wonder if zombies are vulnerable to maggots.
4360721
4360391
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4360721
Honestly, I don't think it's ever come up anywhere. Pretty much every depiction of undead that I can think of has them just sort of ignore anything that's not a direct physical attack. I mean, in D&D the Undead type by default is 100% immune to disease, poison, stunning and paralysis, and almost anything that isn't direct hit-point damage, and most have extra defenses added on top of that.
Not to mention the only thing shown to ever really work on "normal" zombies is catastrophic head trauma (which, again, wouldn't work on magically animated zombie because there's nothing vital up there anymore).
4360965
Enjoying the show?
I admit, we may be getting a bit off topic, but when am I ever going to get another chance to talk about this kind of stuff?
4362397 Favorite zombie movie: Return of the Living Dead.
It's so cheesy and corny and self-mocking.
It realizes that rotting-corpse-type zombies are just too silly to take seriously.
Quotes: "I'm the one who loved you! I should get your brain!" "Get this damned screwdriver outta mah head!"
4362422
That sounds like something entirely silly that I should totally see some time, but I fail to see the relevance to our current topic of discussion.
Do the zombies in that movie just sort of fall apart after a week or two?
4362518 They don't last that long before the heroes stop them.
But yeah, they fall apart more and more as the story goes on.