Shipwrecks, Stalkers and Striped Horses
Swiss, as she was now calling herself, sighed in relief when she finally managed to close the outside hatch. Infiltrating an airship was far more difficult when it was moving, and fighting against the strong winds on the outside was incredibly tiring. She stayed in the small crawlway for a few moments to catch her breath, before she remembered her goal.
To find, and win the heart of, Corporal Dante.
Swiss beamed at the thought of them being together, the first date, their first kiss, trying for children, most likely failing at that, but still living happily ever after despite it. Oh, she couldn’t wait to see him again, and to hear his soothing voice.
With these thoughts driving her forward, Swiss began to crawl through the airship’s ducting in search of her idea of happiness. She was in luck, after only a few minutes she heard a wonderful sound.
The voice of her beloved.
“Fuck off Nigel, I’ve had just about enough of your shit!”
Oh, even his cursing and raised voice was music to her ears.
With newly-rekindled vigor, she crawled as fast as she could towards the voices, the other human’s nothing but incomprehensible noise compared to her Dante. With joy, she found herself looking down upon Dante through a vent grill, the hunky human soldier waving his strange weapon around in the air.
Carefully, but quickly, Swiss began to remove the grill from the vent, using her mouth to pull it up and away. Placing it aside, she examined the hole left behind and came to the conclusion that she would be able to fit through it. A solid plan in her mind, Swiss grinned, prepared her body, and leapt through the hole into the room below.
“And another thing-”
Dante’s rant at Nigel was interrupted by a happy yell from above.
“Dante, I found you!”
Dante had just enough time to look up, and his heart had enough time to fill with dread, before a weight collided with his head and something wrapped around his face.
“They’re coming out of the vents!” Nigel yelled, not really helping the situation but that wasn’t his goal. Dante let out muffled grunts and screams while he ran around, his gun discharging in the confusion.
The bullet screamed out of the barrel, collided with Nigel’s shoulder armour and ricocheted up through the roof of the airship. The gun fell from his hands, Dante using both in an attempt to remove whatever was attached to him.
“Get it off, get it off!” he screamed, remembering a certain movie that he had watched a couple of weeks ago.
It had ended badly.
“But I love you!”
Dante recognised the voice, and somehow his fear increased.
‘No, not her! Anything but her!’
“Hold still!” Nigel commanded, Dante obeying in the hope that Swiss would be removed from his face as soon as possible. A harsh punch hit him in the stomach, the breath forced out of his lungs and Dante sank to the ground.
“What… what the Hell was that?” he wheezed, Swiss starting to nuzzle his helmet lovingly. “How did that help?”
“That’s for calling me insufferable,” Nigel told him, hurt evident in his voice. “Maybe next time, you’ll think before you speak."
“Son of a bitch,” Dante huffed, curling up into a ball and trying to alternate between holding his stomach and removing Swiss.
“Shh, do you want me to kiss it better?” Swiss offered, rubbing Dante’s helmet in an effort to sooth him.
“I want you to get the fuck off my face.” Dante’s reply was muffled, and Swiss only tightened her hold on him.
“No!” she answered with fear. “If I do, you’ll run off and I’ll lose you again!“
"Nigel, help me!” Dante tried, him hands once again grabbing the changeling around the torso in an attempt to remove her. “I’ll do anything!”
“You have to apologise-” Nigel began, before Dante interrupted him..
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Dante answered. “Just get her off me!”
With a satisfied nod, Nigel moved forward and grabbed Swiss under the forelegs. He pulled, and despite her attempts to remain hugging her i love Swiss found her grip to be lacking. With a wail, she flailed her limbs and tried to beat the armoured hands holding her with no effect.
“No! Put me back, put me back!”
While Dante took deep breaths of wonderful, changeling-free oxygen, Nigel turned Swiss around so that she was glaring into his helmet optics. “No, you leave Dante alone. Jumping out of vents onto people’s faces without permission is a naughty thing to do, bad changeling!” Swiss continued to squirm in his grip, her hooves beating against his armour in vain.
“Holy Jesus that was horrifying,” Dante shuddered before glancing at Swiss. “What the Hell is wrong with you!”
“It’s obvious,” Nigel chortled, enjoying the situation far too much. “You’ve gone and picked yourself up a stalker, congrats!” He held Swiss out like a carnie presenting a fairground prize, Swiss beaming at Dante with her wide blue eyes. Dante was not amused, so he responded in the way he had been since his arrival on the pony planet.
“That’s funny, coming from you,” he shot back, standing up. “Remember the Queen and her photos-”
“Shut up,” Nigel ordered, raising Swiss over his head. “Or i’ll sic your stalker back on you, and not help you remove her again.”
It was at that moment when the ship jolted to the left, cloth and other unsecured items sliding towards the portside. Both humans struggled to maintain their footing while the ship listed.
“What the?” Dante began, glancing out a circular window. “We’re sinking, and we’re still over the ocean!”
As if prompted by his words, the ship tilted even more. Both glanced behind them when the injured Zephyr began to slide towards the wall, and Dante tried to figure out what to do.
Unluckily for him, Nigel was already enacting a plan.
“Catch!” Chalmers called out, throwing Swiss towards the marine much to Dante’s terror. He held out his arms to stop the changeling from getting onto his face again, but in doing so he provided her the perfect opening.
With a happy yell and a buzzing of wings, Swiss guided herself into his arms, wrapping her legs around his body and holding on tight. Dante started down in her at horror, his arms still out to the sides as he was left frozen on the spot.
Nigel, meanwhile, quickly moved to intercept the wayward Zephyr, picking her up off the makeshift cloth bed before the sleeping changeling could smack into the wall. With their wounded companion safe, Chalmers looked around for a way out as the ocean drew ever closer.
“Dante,” he addressed while moving over to a cabinet. “Look around for something that can float, and any supplies if you can them.”
The marine was left shocked, and this time it wasn’t because of the creature in his arms. There Nigel went again, talking without sounding like a whiny man-child without his juice box. If he acted civil and serious only in times of danger, Dante wondered if all the crap that happened to them was as bad as he thought it to be.
“Move it!”
At the yell, Dante was reminded that they were indeed in danger of crashing and then sinking. He gave Swiss a glare before stumbling over to pick up his dropped rifle. Next was the airship’s wheel, Dante remembering that he had spotted a small cabinet which would hopefully have some supplies stored.
‘The things I put up with,’ he thought to himself, the changeling hugging him seeming to be oblivious to the oncoming peril while she rubbed her face against his shoulder. She seriously disturbed him, reminding him of those people that stalked Hollywood celebs only to steal things from their bins so they can construct shrines.
He didn’t sign up for this.
Putting his regrets to the side, he awkwardly walked over, bent down and opened the cabinet. It contained three small boxes, Dante pulling all of them out.
One was marked ‘Flares’, the second was marked ‘Life Raft’, and the last was labelled ‘For Most Dire Emergencies Only’. Attaching the first and third boxes to his combat webbing, Dante held aloft the box with the raft.
“I found a raft!” he announced, Nigel turning around from a set of cabinets.
“I found medical supplies and pills!” Chalmers informed back, holding a bag with one hand while the other was used to support Zephyr. “Is there any food or water left in there?”
“One sec!” Dante called back over the loud groaning sound that was echoing through the ship. He placed the life-raft box down on the ground and tried to rummage through the cabinet some more. Unfortunately, his burden prevented him from getting all the way to the back. “Look, can you just let go of me all already? It’s life or death here!”
“I do not fear death, for I am with you,” Swiss murmured happily, still refusing to let go. Dante hurriedly tried to figure out what to do, one solution coming into his head. It wasn’t pretty, but he wasn’t about to die on a griffon airship with a love-struck changeling holding him like a teddy bear.
“Okay, okay,” he began to bargain. “If you let me go and help us get off this ship, I’ll,,, I’ll give you a kiss after.”
“A kiss?” Swiss muttered with awe, gazing up at him with a grin.
“Only one,” Dante clarified. “And no tongue either, just a simple kiss.”
“Deal!”
Swiss detached herself, Dante immediately diving back into the storage cabinet and continuing his search. His helmet bumped the top when the ship lurched, their time running out. His searching hands found another box, and he pulled it free. Without looking at it, he held onto it and stood up. Chalmers was stumbling towards him, Zephyr in one arm and a bunch of cloth bags in the other.
“You find anything!?” Chalmers questioned with a yell.
“No food or water!” Dante shouted back. Both of them glanced to the port side, the blue of the ocean not far away.
“Forget it, we have to go! Where’s the raft?”
Dante looked at the boxes on his waist, then he remembered that he had put the life-raft down. He turned to look behind him, hoping that they had enough time to inflate it.
He was met with the sight of Swiss holding an orange bundle in her hooves, the changeling’s horn glowing with a green light appearing around a red tag marked ‘inflate’.
“I’m helping!” she announced happily, Dante and Nigel’s eyes widening as she started to pull the tag.
“Swiss, no!” Dante yelled, however it was too late and the tag was pulled free.
‘Ouch.’
Zephyr grimaced and blinked open her eyes, the shining sun greeting her with full force. She shifted, a spike of pain flaring up her back as her wing and rump ached. Remembering that she’d been shot with crossbow bolts, Zephyr tried to stand up.
“Sit back down.”
Glancing up, she was met with a black helmet, and she realised that the human called Chalmers was holding onto her.
“Why are you holding me?” she questioned, feeling weak while she sat back down as ordered.
“Look around,” Nigel replied, Zephyr doing so and not liking what she saw.
Herself, Nigel, Dante and for some reason the guard Dante called ‘Swiss’ were all sitting in a small orange life-raft, the wide-open ocean churning around them. There was no land in sight, and Zephyr began to seriously question her life choices.
“Why are we in a raft on the ocean?” she inquired flatly.
“Well,” Nigel began. “After Swiss jumped onto Dante’s face, Moron Marine decided to shoot his gun while waving his arms around and screaming. The bullet hit me, then it must have gone up and hit the airbag. Then, after finding a raft, Swiss decided to help by inflating it… inside the ship. Luckily, we managed to get out before sinking. We’ve got no food or water though, and we’re kind of just drifting along.”
“Oh,” Zephyr replied, not really sure what else to say. “That’s… bad.”
“No, really?”
Zephyr glared at Dante when he snarled at her, the marine sitting right next to Nigel in the cramped raft. Swiss was on his lap, the changeling soldier gazing up at Dante patiently.
“Hey, no need to act like that!” she growled back. “I don’t know what’s happening! I’m on a raft out at sea, with a sore behind and a useless wing! Why are you so grumpy!?”
“Swiss has been trying to get a kiss from him,” Nigel informed nonchalantly.
“He owes me it,” Swiss confirmed with a nod. “But he refuses to pay up!”
“I said I’d give you a kiss if you let go of me, not inflate the raft inside the cabin!”
Zephyr sighed and closed her eyes, leaning back against the cool metal armour that served as her seat. There was no way she was dealing with this now, or even bothering to figure out where ‘Swiss’ had come from. There was one thing she knew for certain, however.
The Queen would not be amused with her, or Swiss for that matter.
Grimacing, she shifted around on the spot to try and get a look at her injured rump. She wasn’t able to see it clearly, but there was at least one scar on the white fur. While gritting her teeth, Zephyr prepared for the painful experience of changing while wounded.
Without a word of warning to her shipmates, she transformed, green magic covering her body and unleashing jabs of pain upon her.
“Fuck!”
A splash sounded, and the raft jolted violently.
“Dante! No!”
Zephyr couldn’t see anything, her eyes shut in agony, but from the sounds she guessed that Dante had fallen overboard. Wincing as her rump burned, Zephyr opened her eyes and confirmed that the slightly less-strange human was in the choppy water.
“It’s okay, I can swim!” Dante called, the raft continuing on without him. Swiss’ wings buzzed, the soldier preparing to take off at a moment’s notice. Despite Dante’s assurance that he could swim, the raft was traveling too quickly and he was being left behind.
“I’m going to get him!” Swiss announced, buzzing away into the air with desperation.
“Hang on, take this,” Nigel stopped her, holding out a box marked ‘For Most Dire Emergencies Only’. Swiss grabbed it in her forehooves and flew off, tearing at it with her teeth.
‘Almost… there.’
Dante huffed as he swam freestyle towards the raft, his gear and armour slowing him down but he didn’t want to ditch it. He knew he could do it, being second in his class when it came to the swimming training he did back home.
An incoming black blur caused him to mentally curse, Swiss was not someone he wanted to deal with now.
The changeling held a box in her hooves, the top already torn off.
“Dante, catch!”
A coloured blob of yellow, brown and white was thrown to him, the remains of the box falling into the sea. Dante rolled his eyes and swam towards the item, reaching it and trying to stay afloat while he tried to figure out what it was. With relief, he spotted the red pull-tag that was the same on the raft, and a second later it was pulled. The plastic object began to inflate, blowing up to life right before Dante and Swiss’ eyes.
The blow up Griffon reached its full size, Dante staring at it with a mix of confusion and horror. Snapping out of it a second later, he grabbed a hold of it and used it as a flotation device. From his position in the water, he could indeed see that it was anatomically correct. He shuddered, wondering how creatures that seemed so backwards could make self-inflatable sex dolls.
“Oh my…” Dante looked up, Swiss hovering in the air with a blush on her face and a hoof over her mouth.
Obviously, she had realised what she had just thrown him.
“What are you waiting for!?” he called up, trying to ignore what he was holding. “Tow me back to the raft so I can get off this thing!”
“Right, on it!” Swiss nodded, zooming back to the distant raft.
“Swiss!” Dante yelled, the changeling turning around. “Don’t just leave me, tow me!”
“I’m going to see if there’s any rope-“
“Forget rope!” Dante told her. “Just… use your hooves or mouth.”
Dante wasn’t certain, but he swore that Swiss grinned at his words. She flew down, wrapping her forehooves around the neck of the griffon and smiling at him.
“Don’t worry Dante, I’ll get you back and then you can give me that kiss in thanks!” Dante frowned, her words not soothing his worry at all. Swiss remained cheery however, her wings beating as she pulled them back to the raft. Meanwhile, Dante kicked in an effort to return as soon as possible. Nigel was bad, but being stuck in the ocean with Swiss, alone, was utterly terrifying.
With both working together, they soon caught up to Nigel and Zephyr in the main raft. The first thing Dante heard was a loud, booming laugh from Nigel, no doubt at the item that he was clinging to.
“For most dire emergencies only, I think you took it a little too literally Dante!”
“Shut up Nigel!” Dante shouted back, his teeth chattering from the cold water.
“Don’t worry about him,” Swiss whispered. “He’s just jealous that I chose you over him.”
‘I wouldn’t bet on it,’ Dante thought, biting back a scathing reply. Currently, Swiss was the only one flight capable and she could prove to be useful in future situations that they would no doubt encounter given their current rate of luck. He’d just have to try and put up with her unwanted advances, even if it had crossed the line of creepy long ago.
Finally, they reached the main raft. Carefully, but quickly, Dante climbed back aboard and sat next to Nigel and the embarrassed Zephyr.
“Not one fucking word.”
“I’m sorry,” Zephyr apologised, despite his order. “I wasn’t thinking and I should have warned you.”
“He’s lucky that I was here,” Swiss informed while she buzzed down to sit back on Dante’s lap.
“Do you really have to sit on me?”
“I don’t see anywhere else,” Swiss told him, gesturing around the cramped boat. “There’s only enough room for you and Nigel if Zephyr and me share a spot with each of you. Besides,” Zephyr grinned up towards him. “You owe me a kiss more than ever, and this makes it easier to do.”
Another chuckle from Nigel diverted everyone’s attention, Dante breathing out a sigh of relief.
Relief that was short-lived.
“Hey Dante, you could always ride the griffon until we get to shore.” Nigel’s tone was not something Dante was enjoying. Considering the fact that they were stuck out in the middle of the ocean, his constant humour was incredibly out of place. It was if it was all one big joke for Nigel, no matter what happened he was enjoying it immensely. Dante stared at the floating griffon doll, anger building up inside him.
“Stupid piece of Shit,” Dante grumbled.
With a push, it was sent on its way out into the great ocean, everyone watching it leave without much regret.
“Alas, poor blow-up,” Nigel began, placing a hand over his chest. “Dante knew you well.”
Dante shook his head, not bothering to reply. A tug on his vest caused him to look down, Swiss grinning up at him as she swivelled around.
“Come on, pucker up,” she commanded, raising an eye at him. “You promised, and I just saved you, so I want my kiss.”
He winced, regretting ever making that promise to her. It’s not like it had helped them in anyway. Still, he had made a promise, and the sooner it was over, the better.
Besides, it wasn’t as bad as what Nigel had to do.
Dante closed his eyes, and took a deep breath to prepare himself for the unpleasantness that he was about to experience. He kept them closed and leaned forward, angling his head downwards. He ignored the laughter from Nigel and Zephyr, and soon his mouth made contact with another.
He grimaced and held the contact for three seconds, before pulling away and staring out to the side.
“See, it wasn’t that bad, was it?”
“I don’t think he has the same opinion, Swiss,” Zephyr spoke up while Dante wiped his mouth with his hand.
“I kissed an alien, an alien bug horse,” he muttered, earning glares from both Swiss and Zephyr.
“I kissed an alien bug horse, now I’m sad and blue,” Nigel began to sing with a sorrowful wail.Swiss and Zephyr giggled, much to Dante’s annoyance. “I kissed an alien bug horse, I’d recommend it too.”
Dante sighed and leaned back, closing his eyes and praying for sleep. All three of his shipmates began to add their own lines, further adding to his torment. Thankfully, the warm sun aided him, and he was soon dozing off to the sound of the sea and the song created to mock him.
‘I swear, one more day on this raft...’
Nigel maintained a steady eye over the three sharing the raft with him.
They’d been drifting for three days now, and tensions were running high. With all the supplies of food used up in the desert, they had nothing left to eat. It wasn’t as bad for Swiss and Zephyr, the two apparently able to feed off the love energy that the changeling Queen had mentioned and they had some saved up. He still had his suit pumping in nutrients, but it just wasn’t the same as real food.
Dante was another matter, the marine currently wearing his kelvar vest like a hat in an effort to shield himself from the sun. Without an alternate supply of food, he had become cranky. Well, more cranky than usual. At least they had a full two canteens of water left, but it wasn’t Dante that was the main issue.
It was the two changelings with them.
Zephyr’s injuries were making her irritable, and the whole ‘I’m an Infiltrator and you’re a Soldier’ thing had started up again. In addition, Zephyr possessed the strong opinion that Swiss should stop pressuring Dante, something that the changeling soldier wasn’t keen to do.
Nigel and Dante had found themselves holding their respective lap-sitters back multiple times.
The issues had increased over the length of time, and he and Dante had started to fight as well. It was no longer the relative friendliness of their previous disagreements, and Dante had pulled his weapons out on more than one occasion. To be fair, he hadn’t really helped the problems, what with his time spent devising and singing an entire album worth of songs revolving around Dante and Swiss.
“Can you see anything yet?” Zephyr inquired, the changeling curled up on his armoured lap. Luckily for both her and him, his suit’s cooling systems also affected the external surface of the armour so the sun didn’t cook her to a crisp. Never before had Chalmers guessed that a system designed to help defeat thermal imaging optics would be used to keep an alien comfortable in a raft.
Swiss didn’t have the luxury of a cooled seat, however she didn’t seem to mind that much. It was probably due to the fact that Dante had been sheading clothing during the day, Nigel still finding her obsessive infatuation with the stuck-up human as hilarious as when he first found out.
Following Zephyr‘s question, he switched his helmet optics to full zoom and scanned the surrounds.
“No, no, no,” he repeated, looking to the North, the South and the East. He stopped when he looked to the west, a small sliver of brown out in the distance. With a hum, Nigel leaned forward, provoking Zephyr to sit up in excitement.
“Land?” she asked hopefully. “You can see land?”
“Land?” both Dante and Swiss added in at the same time.
“Hold on, I’m not certain,” Nigel clarified. “Still, it may be a long shot but it’s better than anything else we’ve got. Dante and I will paddle, while Swiss flies and pulls. That okay with everyone?”
“I can help as well,” Zephyr offered, prompting unsure looks from the other three.
“You’re still injured though,” Nigel pointed out with a gesture towards her bandaged wing.
“Plus how can you paddle?” Dante spoke up. “You know, with the holes in your legs?” Zephyr grumbled and lay back down, Nigel rolling his eyes and beginning to paddle. He was soon joined by Dante, and Swiss fought her own fatigue to take flight and tow them.
With the combination of teamwork, and a sweltering three hours of paddling and pulling, they had gotten close enough to make a confirmation.
“Oh, it’s just a piece of rock,” Nigel commented, earning looks of anguish from his companions.
“No land?” Zephyr groaned out, Nigel remaining silent for a few moments to let them huff and complain a little more.
“Nah, it’s land, fooled you,” he added, earning glares from all three.
“Fuck man,” Dante replied, a scowl on his burnt face. “That was low.”
“Relax,” Nigel dismissed. “It’s land, and we’re drifting towards it. All we have to do is sit back, relax, and we should be on dry land in a few hours.” He glanced u[pt the sun, almost halfway across the sky. “That’s only another afternoon of sailing to go.”
“Screw that,” Dante huffed while beginning to paddle again. “I’ve had enough of the sea to last me a lifetime. When I get back I might even join the regular mud-stompers in the army.”
“Oh, you have slurs for your different armed forces as well,” Nigel tried to lighten things up with conversation while he joined in the paddling. “We just call our regular troops ‘non-refundables’, because once they go down to a planet you often don’t want them back. You’d be surprised how many planets are covered in mud and filth, and probably less surprised at the amount of ships that then end up covered with that same stuff.”
“I bet they also have colourful names for whatever the Hell you work for,” Dante replied back, Nigel chuckling. In truth, there were a few for the ISA, but no-one was game enough to say them publicly.
“Not as much as you probably think,” Nigel answered.
‘Fifty-three.’
With his thoughts on the exact number unstated, Nigel shut up and continued to help propel the raft to the shore. In truth, he didn’t really care if they spent an extra few hours out on the sea, he found it relaxing. Besides, given their track record, more trouble would be awaiting them on the island anyway.
‘Can’t wait,’ he thought to himself with a grin under his helmet.
It was proving to be one of the most interesting, unplanned holidays that he had ever had.
“I hope your father doesn’t find out.”
“Relax Zarhara, all that talk about marrying a ‘noble mare’ is just hot wind. All the other tribes know that I’m far too wild for their daughters.”
Two young Zebras emerged from the tall grass and onto the beach, the young mare and stallion laughing with each other. They both rushed to the rushing sea, seeking relief from the blazing sun that always seemed to dominate their homeland.
“As long as you think he won’t find out, Zega,” Zarhara replied to her secret coltfriend before dunking her head in the sea and drawing it back out. “Getting on the bad side of a tribal Chief isn’t the wisest thing to do.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he reassured her, flicking some seawater towards her. “It’s my choice after all, and as Firstborn son I get some privileges.” Zarhara’s heart flittered when he drew closer, recognising the look in his eyes. “Choosing you is something I see as one of those privileges, and no concerns about ‘standings’ or ‘tribal reputation’ is going to stop me.”
“Oh Zega,” she murmured, the two moving their mouths closer and closer until-
“Land, finally!”
Both young lovers broke apart suddenly at the male shout from further down the beach. They glanced over, wondering who had interrupted their tender moment.
A bright orange raft was washed up on the shore, a black equine with insect features hovering in the air while a tall biped knelt on the sand and seemed to kiss the ground. Another biped, this one in some weird black substance, fell out of the raft with another of the insect-ponies in his arms.
“Nigel, watch it!” the insect-pony lectured, the biped regaining his footing and standing up.
“Oh, I’m so sorry Princess Zephyr, it’s not like I’ve just spent three days in a raft on the ocean. Did my fall disturb you? Did it hamper your enjoyment of the free transport service that I am providing-“
“Okay, okay, just stop talking!” the creature referred to as ‘Zephyr’ gave in. “You know how it is, my rump and wing are still sore so cut me some slack.”
“Fine,” the black biped answered, before walking over and nudging the other one with a leg. “Dante, that’s no way for a soldier to act. It was only three days.”
“Three days of Hell,” the other biped groaned out. “Stuck in a raft with you, a cranky changeling, and a changeling that’s still trying to get in my pants despite my firm and total rejection.”
“Aw, come on Dante,” the flying changeling cooed while she flew down to land on his back. “You know you love me, stop this pretending that you don’t.”
“Yeah Dante,” the black biped joined in maliciously. “Maybe it’d work out some of that frustration that you’ve got pent up and it’ll help you stop being so grumpy.”
“Nigel, I swear to God!”
Zarhara glanced at Zega while the smaller human waved a black stick-thing, threatening at the other. A light blush was on her face from overhearing the four newcomers discuss that topic so openly, and Zega seemed just as confused as to what was happening.
“Should we tell your father?”
“That would be a good idea,” he agreed. “I don’t think these creatures mean to trespass on our lands, and they did come on a raft. Do you think we should talk to them?”
“They’re strange,” Zarhara said with a shiver. “And the tall black one is scary, those eyes aren’t natural…”
“I’ll protect you,” with a nuzzle and his words, Zega eased some of her fear. “Besides, as the future wife of the future village Chief, you’re going to deal with stuff like this sometimes.” Zarhara smiled warmly, and nodded her head. Both began to walk out of the waves and onto the beach, approaching the arguing four.
“Nigel, you always pull shit like this!” the biped called Dante stated while staring off with his faceless opponent. “Why can’t you just let it go?”
“They argue a lot,” Zarhara whispered to Zega, getting a nod in return from the determined zebra stallion. The insect-pony that was flying in the air noticed them, a grin forming on her face and she waved a hoof in greeting.
“Hello!”
Swiss beamed down at the two zebras below, the other three turning to look at them as well. She found the stripy ponies incredibly funny, and this was the first time she had seen one in the flesh. They however, didn’t seem to share the same opinion about her or the two humans, the equines glancing at each other nervously.
“Go on Zega,” the female whispered to her companion, the male evidently named ‘Zega’ stepping forward.
“Hello… um, travellers,” he greeted, his yellow eyes glancing up at her before they scanned over the rest of the group. Swiss, guessing that they were nervous with her flying, landed and stood at the ready next to Dante. “Is there a reason why you’re on our tribal land?”
“Yes, we decided it was a nice spot for a picnic, so we crashed our airship, got in a raft, floated across the sea for three days and then landed here.” Swiss couldn’t help but grin at Nigel’s reply, even Dante cracked a smile.
“I meant no offence,” the zebra stallion continued, slightly more hesitant than before. “We don’t get many visitors, so I wasn’t sure if-“
“Relax,” Dante interrupted. “Nigel’s just joking around. If you don’t mind, could we possibly get some directions to the…” he trailed off and turned around, a puzzled look on his face. “Actually, where are we going?”
“Back to the Queen,” Swiss suggested, however Zephyr rolled her eyes and snorted.
“You do realise how much trouble we’ll be in, right Swiss? I’ve gone long past my mission time, and you weren’t supposed to follow at all. I don’t want to go back, not with how the Queen’s been acting lately.”
“We could always lie, and pretend that we never left in the first place,” Swiss suggested, Zephyr sighing in response.
“Do you honestly think the Queen would fall for a trick like that?” Wisely, Swiss decided to not voice her own opinion on just how bright the Queen was, and instead went for the next best plan in her head.
“We could just bring him back with us,” she tried, pointing a hoof towards Nigel. “You know, the Queen might have a thing for him. She’d be so happy that he was back that she’d forget all about us.” Swiss grinned at Chalmers, hoping to convince him to go along with it. It wasn’t that bad, surely.
“No way,” he grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’ve already been used once to pay for Dante’s water and food, I’m not sleeping with her again just to get you two out of trouble.”
“Um, excuse me…”
“Hey, don’t bring me into this,” Dante stepped in, everyone ignoring the young zebra who was trying to talk.
“Don’t worry Nigel,” Swiss tried to convince him again. “Of course Dante will be coming back with me, so you’ll have a human friend there as well.”
“That’s not better, you’re horrible at bargaining,” Nigel informed, Dante nodding with him.
“For once, we’re in agreement. No way is that happening, I’m happy to keep you alive and all that, but as soon as you get back that’s where my responsibility ends.”
Swiss lowered her head in thought. He was proving a tough nut to crack, but she was thinking that it was like a siege. Never give up, and wear down the defences until he gives in, brilliant.
“I can take you to see the village chief,” the zebra offered, causing all to stop arguing. “My father might be able to give you directions to a nearby port, he’d know about that stuff.”
“Better than nothing,” Dante said with a shrug. “Lead the way.”
The two zebras turned and began to walk up the beach, casting wary glances behind them. Dante followed them at a respectful distance, Swiss merrily moving to walk alongside him. He gave her a strange look but didn’t say anything.
‘He must be warming up to me,’ she thought with a grin, his lack of complaints an encouragement. Behind them, Zephyr and Chalmers brought up the rear, Zephyr limping with every step.
“So this is a Zebra village,” Dante muttered as they stared at the horde of stripy horses, getting stares back. Nigel couldn’t resist, a wicked grin forming under his helmet.
“What gave it away, the population of giraffes?”
“Fuck you,” Dante hissed in reply as a Zebra decorated with a number of gold necklaces and a feather headdress approached them with a wide grin. “Couldn’t get more stereotypical,” Dante muttered, Nigel smirking at the words. The Chief did indeed look like straight out of an old film about tribal humans, and the grass huts that made up the homes in the village only helped the image.
“Greetings!” the old zebra cried out with glee. “Welcome to my humble village! My son tells me that you’re seeking directions to the nearest port?”
“We are, sir,” Dante replied, keeping his voice respectable. Nigel decided to hold back the remarks and jokes he had been planning to make, considering the circumstances. The chief was escorted by four guards wielding wooden spears, and as primitive as they were, acting nice might for once get them somewhere.
At least, that was the plan.
“Indeed,” Nigel chimed in, much to the visual disappointment of Dante. With a flourishing sweep of his arm, Nigel gave the Chief a respectful bow of the head. “Due to unfortunate circumstances, we were forced to come ashore on your fine land. I apologise for all of my companions, and hope we haven’t caused too much of a disturbance.”
The Chief’s eyes lit up with glee, buying Nigel’s act without a second thought. Dante, and to a lesser extent the two changelings, stood where they were with their mouths open at the display of diplomatic expertise.
“Of course you are no burden,” the Chief reassured. “In fact, I would love for you to stay and talk over a grand feast! It is not often that we get visitors, and ones so respectful and polite at that!” Nigel turned around quickly, and flashed his companions a thumbs up. They were in. “Now,” the Chief continued, the rest of the zebras watching the meeting in the village centre with interest. “What exactly are you?”
“At the very basic,” Nigel began to reply. “Dante over there, and myself, are referred to as ‘humans’. The two ladies,” a nod in the direction of Swiss and Zephyr directed the Chief’s attention to the pair. “Are changelings, with Zephyr on the left and Swiss on the right.”
“And your name?”
“Nigel M Chalmers,” he replied to the Chief, standing up tall. “Commander, Nigel M Chalmers of the Internal Security Agency.”
“Show-off,” Dante muttered, the zebra Chief glancing towards the marine.
“Ignore Dante McGrumpypants, our raft journey took a toll on his normal relaxed personality.”
“Oh, that’s quite understandable,” the Chief brushed off. “I am Chief Zeitgeist, and leader of the Three-Stripes tribe.”
“Three-Stripes?” Swiss inquired, the Chief turning around so that his left flank was visible. His mark consisted of three, vertical, black stripes on his white coat, surrounded by a circle of black.
“This mark has been passed down for generations,” Chief Zeitgeist stated proudly. “The firstborn always possesses it, marking them as the next chief of the village.”
“Fascinating,” Nigel breathed out in forced awe. In truth, he couldn’t care less about a picture on the arse of a zebra, but he knew how some primitive people’s valued birthmarks as signs from their gods and so he held his scathing comment back.
“Thank you, I must say that you’re all interesting creatures as well. I’ve never heard of changelings or humans before, but now I can say with pride that I have. I’m looking forward to talking with you further, over a hearty meal of course.”
“Yay,” Nigel cheered through clenched teeth, Dante shooting him a warning glance at the tone. Nigel didn’t care, there was a reason that he was no longer allowed on diplomatic missions.
Something to do with windows…
“I have noticed that, Zephyr I believe her name is, is wounded. Allow me to fetch the village healer for your mate. Healer Zapha, we require you out here!” The Chief faced a large hut, this one decorated with numerous pots and painted symbols.
‘Mate?’ Nigel thought, racking his mind as to how the Chief reached that startling conclusion. Looking down, he was met with the blushing face of Zephyr, the green-tinged changeling frozen with shock while she leaned up against his leg to rest. He hadn’t even noticed that she was there. Quickly, he tried to get that idea out of their Host’s head before it became a thing.
“Oh no, Zephyr isn’t my mat-“
“Noble Chief, you have called. A young foal once again has falled?”
A zebra mare, middle-aged if Nigel had to guess, emerged from the hut while flicking her long, grey mane out of her silver eyes.
“Zapha, don’t try to rhyme, we’ve been over this.” The Chief shot them an apologetic smile, before turning back to the Healer. “There is a reason the tribal council doesn’t want you going to the shaman meetings after all,” he whispered.
“Pfft, they’re all stuck up anyway,” Zapha responded sourly, thankfully no longer in rhyme. If you could call it rhyme. “What do you need, information I need to… see-d?”
“One of the newcomers requires medical attention,” Chief Zeitgeist answered with a sigh and a shake of his head. The Healer approached Dante, looking him up and down. This caused everyone a great deal of confusion, except for Nigel.
He was loving this, and he could tell what would happen next.
“He does indeed appear in need of treatment, a medical professional I come in greetment.”
‘How has she not been killed yet?’ Nigel wondered at the atrocious rhyme. Dante however, seemed set to solve that issue while his fists clenched.
“It’s not me,” he growled, before pointing towards the bandaged Zephyr. “It’s the limping changeling in bandages.”
“I knew that,” Zapha tried to bluff. “You’re spiritual energy is out of whack, so I naturally headed to you first.”
“This is what I get for coming late to council meetings,” Chief Zeitgeist grumbled under his breath, Nigel able to hear thanks to his audio sensors. Meanwhile, Zephyr was wincing while the ‘healer’ prodded her cuts and wing.
“Whatever sealed these wounds used powerful magic,” the healer nodded to herself. “Although the wing is not wrapped properly.”
“I’d like you try and do a proper job on an unknown species while in a stolen airship with an army of griffons after you and a whiny Prince needing to be thrown out of the door.” Everyone stopped at Nigel’s defensive reply, the silence broken by a cough from Zephyr.
“Uh, well Nigel’s right. Just… un-bandage it and it should be fine.”
Healer Zapha stared at Zephyr, before following the request and removing the bandage. The wrapping came away, and there was a visible hole in the right wing.
“Does it hurt?” Dante inquired, Zephyr shaking her head.
“No, it actually feels okay,” she answered with some joy, testing her wing a few times. “I shouldn’t fly on it, but it doesn’t hurt at all.”
“Allow me to fetch a healing brew, so that I can give it to you.”
Zephyr grimaced at the offer, and the rhyme, before smiling at the Healer.
“No thanks I think I should be fine, I’d hate to take up more of your time.”
Zapha glared at her, before retreating into her hut with a huff. Zephyr looked up, and Nigel gave her a pleased nod. She grinned, and evidently the Chief was just as amused as they were.
“With rhyming like that, I might hire you as a new Healer,” he joked, sparking smiles from all. “Come now, sit and talk in my home while the feast is prepared. I have some good beer that awaits us, the grain harvest was a blessing this year.”
“Count me in,” Nigel agreed eagerly, earning a chuckle from the Chief.
As they began to walk back to the Chief’s house, Nigel missed the warning look that Dante shot him.
It was only a few drinks, what could possibly go wrong?
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Bad words! Bad words! The universe will fudge you over man.
4748423
Blame kabar
Good things huts don't have windows
Hah, saying those cursed words in tandem with drinking...the following morning is sure to be quite the spectacle.
Drunk Nigel in the presence of more alcohol...
How many explosions are we looking at here?
In the name of science?
I predict that they either get exile, one of them (possibly Nigel) will get married while drunk, accidentally destroy the entire forest, or have a huge orgy.
hahaha!
aaah.... the windows... they should have actually made the wings work.
4818225
Someone gets it.
Wait, I just realized this... If Nigels drinking again....
Welp. Shit hits the fan once again, Yay! moar violence 
So far every story I have read of yours I have loved. Nigel stories doubly so.
4818235
You meant in one of your stories that I forget right now, Nigel threw a diplomat out the window, thinking his wings actually worked instead of it just being decoration. The diplomat died of cold in a vacuum.
Its a shame this fic looks dead, it was good so far
7060262
The co-writer sort of turned into a massive Gamergate/American teenager sperglord, unfortunately.
7061537
Ah, you have my condolences. I'm happy as long as your other fics are still going strong
Rip story
7061537 Rip in pantheons fic
this story dead? ever going to be continued? let me know please! I must kno