A Midnight Star

Ponies think that there are only four alicorns. They, however are wrong. Midnight Star knows the truth. She is the lost alicorn.
Thanks to shenadri for editing it.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 11 )

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shenadri

shenadri #1 · May 17th, 2014 · 2 · 1 ·

kinda rushed, some story holes and need a lot of editing... i like it!! has a lot of potential!!!

Aquari

Aquari #2 · May 17th, 2014 · · ·

4405121
I know, I have been working on it for a while though. I am trying to get better at writing. I just put it out there so I could get some feedback on it so I could improve it. Thanks! :)

shenadri

shenadri #3 · May 17th, 2014 · 1 · ·

4405137 if you want i can edit it a little or do a proofreading

shenadri

shenadri #4 · May 17th, 2014 · 1 · ·

4405137 whenever i am not working on my own stories

Aquari

Aquari #5 · May 17th, 2014 · 1 · ·

4405137
That would be great. I could use the help.

shenadri

shenadri #6 · May 17th, 2014 · · ·

4405161 ok whenever you want, send me a Gdocs with the story ill check up and try to edit it

Glocky

Glocky #7 · May 18th, 2014 · 2 · ·

That was... alright. It's actually really good compared to some of the- other.. first time stories on this site.

I do agree with shenadri's first comment, it all does seem a little rushed and could use some expansion on detail and such (without going OTT like I do ;-;), but is a bit mediocre/cliché in terms of story. In the editing department though, I don't think it needs much. Sure, you could use one for moral support (I know how stressful writing can be, having taken large essays and such) and picking apart bits and bobs to make it sound and flow better but otherwise.. eh.

It does look like something that has been gone over a lot, with so little mistakes with proper English and punctuation. It also does well with the story because I can see a lot of paths it can take, in addition to potential.

All in all, it is pretty good for a first chapter but does need some extra detail and some plot twists or more imaginative plot devices.

Don't worry, I'm just desperate to be a critic of something.

Aquari