• Published 1st Apr 2014
  • 5,380 Views, 60 Comments

Start of a New Day - DH7



Luna and Twilight plan on announcing their relationship during the Wizard's Feast. How will Celestia react?

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The Morning After

Dreams of loneliness, isolation, and the despair of a millennium-long exile gave way to a new reality and the rising of the sun. Being so intricately connected with the very essence of Equestria and it's inhabitants, Luna could not only feel it's physical warmth, but the warmth and love for all Equestrian life radiating from the alicorn who had raised it, her beloved sister, and the very personification of day itself.

Luna's mind was still thawing out, and her subconscious was still in control of her thought processes, but she was aware that her surroundings were entirely unfamiliar. She was not in her own bed nor was she at her palace chambers in Canterlot. Luna blinked twice before having the wind squeezed out of her by a pair of lavender forehooves belonging to the mare that lay beside her.

Luna turned around and faced Twilight, who was still fast asleep. She brushed away a lock of hair to get a better view of her face. The serene expression was a far cry from Twilight's panic when Celestia had "forgotten" to send word that The Princess of The Night would be visiting Ponyville for a few weeks. It wasn't so much that Twilight wasn't receptive to guests, so much as having a mental breakdown after realizing she was unprepared.

Here she lay, in the bed of her sister's favored protégé. Surely Celestia hadn't foreseen any of this. Luna wasn't sure how she would broach the subject with her sister. She had no ill-intentions regarding Twilight . . . but how does one tell their older sister that they've bedded and intend on pursuing a relationship with their beloved student?

Twilight was the nearest thing that Celestia had to a daughter. Knowing Celestia, it was likely that she would be very protective of Twilight, not least of all because in actuality, Luna was a very old mare.

Luna wondered if Twilight realized this. Truly realized this.

Twilight stirred, her eyes slowly opening. " Mm-hm . . .? " She seemed confused as Luna stared back at her, but quickly broke into a warm smile. "Good morning." Twilight kissed her nose, causing Luna to blush. "I should probably make breakfast."

"Can thou truly cook?"

"Well . . ."

"Tis what I feared. Perhaps it would be wise if I were to prepare a meal instead, if thou would permit me to use thy kitchen."

"Of course. With Spike gone, I'm afraid all I'd be able to serve you is a sandwich."

Luna had a suggestive smirk on her face as she asked, "Is thou saying that I am difficult to please?"

Twilight blushed furiously.

"A breakfast fit for royals it is, for this morning, I make pancakes!"

"Pancakes?"

"Do you not like pancakes, or perhaps you do not have the required ingredients?"

"I think every home in Equestria has a box of pancake mix . . ."

"Excellent!" Luna jumped out of bed and started for the door, but she found her hooves meeting open air as a hot-pink aura enveloped and tossed her back into bed like a rag-doll.

Twilight was still barely conscious, having buried her face back into the pillow. She wrapped a forehoof around Luna's neck.

"The Princess of The Night is not used to being treated so roughly . . . or like a foal's teddy bear."

"Can't we lay here for a bit? I'm not used to getting up before noon. I doubt you're used to being up this early either."

"My sister and I are not like most ponies. If necessary I could go a week without sleep."

"Of course." Twilight rolled her eyes.

"I can postpone our meal a little longer." Luna smiled and used her wing to draw Twilight into an embrace. Her muzzle was inches away from Twilight's. Luna's ears perked up at the sound of hoofsteps. The door swung open and a white, purple-maned mare burst into the room.

"Oh yoo-hoo! Oh Twilight dear, I just found this lovely bag to go with my--" Rarity stood there and blinked. "--scarf?" Dropping her new designer hoofbag, she processed the scene in front of her. It was evident she realized that this was not a typical sleepover.

Rarity stood in shock. Luna looked to Twilight for an answer, but Twilight just shrugged her shoulders. Rarity's eyes grew wide as she fostered a gigantic smile more frightening than any Luna had ever seen.

"Oh my! You and Princess Luna"?

"Twi and Luna what?"

A small, purple dragon jumped down from Rarity's back. Twilight's eyes shrank to pinpricks and her mouth quavered. She had a visible tick in her right eye.

"Rarity! How could you bring Spike here?!"

"Well, I didn't know you two were . . . you know."

"Know what?" Spike scratched his temple with a claw.

"NOTHING!" Twilight and Luna both yelled in unison.

Spike shrugged. "Fine, any of you girls want some pancakes?"

---

Luna waited in Twilight's bedroom while Spike made breakfast. She was more than a little apprehensive about tonight's feast. Celestia would be there. She was certain Celestia would disapprove of her being with Twilight.

Luna was happy. It wasn't just because she'd been with Twilight these past few weeks; all of her friends proved to be so fun, open, and forgiving. She could almost forget that they had every reason to fear her. To hate her. They had seen who she was, who she could be.

"Does that little filly even know what monster lurks behind your benevolent facade?" When Luna turned, her reflection stared back at her. It was all wrong: black coat, razor sharp teeth and her eyes slitted like a snake's. She stared in horror. Nightmare Moon let out a sinister chuckle. "Just what do you think you're doing with this mare?"

"I've fallen in lo--" Luna stopped just short of saying it. "I've fallen in . . ."

"You'll fall. You have fallen. I am your fate. I am your destiny. You can't control your emotions. Cannot control me."

Angrily, Luna threw up her forehooves and brought it down upon the mirror. "I. AM. IN. CONTROL."

Moments later, there was only sadness as Luna realized the irony of her words and actions. She fixed the mirror with her magic. Before going downstairs to join her friends, she stuck her tongue out at her reflection.


---


There were more ponies in Twilight's kitchen than just Twilight and Rarity. The entire gang was present. Amazingly, everyone was distracted and didn't to seem to have noticed Luna's outburst. Rarity was with Fluttershy and Applejack at the table, while Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were going through Twilight's cabinets. Twilight yawned and made herself a cup of coffee, ignoring the others as if this were a common occurrence.

Had Twilight or Rarity said anything? No; Rarity had more sense than that.

"Twilight and Luna are an item!"

Luna froze.

Twilight sputtered droplets of coffee on the floor. "R-Rarity!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, dear, but they were going to find out eventually. I just couldn't help myself . . ."

Rainbow Dash stopped pillaging Twilight's kitchen and arched an eyebrow at her. "Wait, you and Luna are hooking up?! You know things don't exactly 'hook up,' right?" Rainbow Dash made crude, yet ambiguous gestures with her hooves as she spoke.

Luna could almost swear she saw steam leave Twilight's ears. The blue alicorn glared daggers at Rainbow Dash. True to her nature, Dash was either completely oblivious to Luna giving her dirty looks, or she didn't care.

Applejack raised an eyebrow at Dash. "You might want to show a little more tact when addressin' the princesses, Sugarcube."

"I already knew!" Pinkie Pie bounced circles around Twilight and Luna until Spike shoved a plate of pancakes towards her face.

"How did you . . . never mind." Twilight held her face with her hoof. "Can we not discuss this?!"

"I reckon that ya'll want a little discretion on this matter then."

Luna was surprised when Fluttershy, normally too timid to even speak to Luna, placed a hoof on her shoulder. "Don't worry, this will stay between us girls . . . isn't that right, Rainbow Dash?"
Rainbow didn't respond, too busy burying her face in a giant stack of pancakes.

"I said, isn't that right, Rainbow Dash?"

Rainbow finally looked up, syrup dripping from her muzzle. She found herself staring into Fluttershy's stern, soul-gazing eyes.

"Agh! Yes, whatever, just stop staring at me!"


----


Luna found herself in front of Carousel Boutique after spending three hours trying to find a gift suitable for Twilight. It was customary, at least during the old days, to exchange gifts during The Wizard's Feast. It dawned on her that she didn't know Twilight as well as she thought.

The first thing that came to mind was a bookstore. That immediately struck her as idiotic when it took all of two seconds to remember that Twilight lived in a library. Even if Twilight had read every book, she could always order more.

She thought perhaps she should take Twilight back to the ruins she once called home. There were books there that were older than those in the Royal Canterlot Archives; many were hoof-written. The books were worthless rotting in that decrepit castle.

Luna didn't look forward to going back there. It was where she first succumbed to the darkness in her heart, and in her madness, attacked her own sister. It was also where she first faced off against her sister's protégé. Ironic, that she held a gift for that very mare. She put the trinket back into her saddlebag and stepped into the boutique.

"Oh! Princess Luna! Do come in."

The boutique, while small, was impeccably ornate. "You have a lovely home, miss Rarity."

"It's rather humble, I must admit, living in one's place of business."

"You forget that I live where I work as well. Is Twilight in? Can I speak with her?"

"Of course, darling. I'm already finished with her . . . attire. It's a shame, I wish she had let me make her a gown for the evening."

Rarity was renowned for her designer dresses. Luna thought this was why Twilight had rushed off to the boutique; she was a little disappointed that she wouldn't get to see her in one of Rarity's gowns.

Luna entered the dressing room. A wave of nostalgia hit her as she beheld a bearded pony in a blue robe adorned with bells. This was the second time since her return that Luna saw the likeness of the long-deceased wizard. Twilight looked ridiculous, and adorable at the same time.

"So, what do you think?"

"I think that I've already seen you wear that costume, though miss Rarity obviously had her hooves on it. So are you going to dress like that crazy old mage every single holiday? I'll have to forbid it on Hearts and Hooves Day." Luna smirked.

"This feast is in honor of Starswirl's pilgrimage. He's the most influential wizard in Equestrian history; he's made more discoveries in the fields of magic and science than the most prominent figures of the last few centuries combined!"

"I knew him. I think you would have found that the pony could not stand up to the legend. The real Starswirl was an arrogant hermit who couldn't spend two seconds without insulting the intelligence of anypony around him."

Luna wished Starswirl could have met Twilight; he'd be jealous. Twilight would have been starstruck, and completely oblivious to the fact that she was smarter and more powerful than he ever was.

"Well, the validity of your slander not withstanding, that doesn't change the fact that ponies are supposed to wear blue on this day. If you don't wear blue, you get pinched." A devious smile crept along Twilight's face.

"In case you haven't noticed, I am blue."

"You're no fun." Twilight pouted.

"Be that as it may, I have something for you."

"Really? What's the occasion?"

"Well . . . it's tradition, or at least it was. I'm not certain as to what tradition is any more."

"Oh . . . I didn't get you anything. It's customary on Hearts and Hooves day, but it's been centuries since ponies exchanged gifts during the feast."

"Think nothing of it. I want you to accept this, I think it will go quite nice with your . . . outfit," Luna deadpanned. "So what is tradition?"

"Drinking."

"Just as well, I think I'll need a little bit of liquid courage to get me through this night."

Twilight allowed Luna to fasten the amulet around her neck. Both mares faced a mirror on the wall. Luna not only could see their reflections, but could peer into their souls. She was astonished at how brilliant Twilight's inner-self was, as if Twilight held the makings of a goddess. Luna's own reflection was dark and foreboding, reminding her of what she was capable of if she were ever to lose herself again.

"Is there something wrong? You look . . . sad."

"The personal problems of immortals aren't solved in a fortnight. I fear that my relationship with my sister may topple at any moment. I had been exiled to the moon, Twilight, and it was my dear sister who had sent me there."

"Luna, she had no choice! I saw what happened, I've seen the past. You were possessed by Nightmare Moon--"

"Scattered, fragmented, insane, but not possessed, Twilight Sparkle."

". . ."

"I know deep down that if anypony is to blame . . . it Is I. I forced my sister's hoof. She acted as mercifully as I allowed her, but I am still left bitter--bitter, but full of love."

"Luna, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say to that . . ."

"I am Nightmare Moon. If you're to understand anything, understand this."

Twilight gave an amused snort, which bewildered Luna. "I'm not afraid of you. And I want to keep seeing you. So . . . "

Luna blinked for a moment, but a smile started to slowly creep over her lips. "Then . . . " Instead of finishing her thought, Luna leaned in toward Twilight, who met her the rest of the way to share a tender kiss.

"I love you, Twilight Sparkle."

"I love you too, Nightmare Moon."

Luna blinked, then deadpanned as she noticed Twilight's cheeky grin. Inappropriate, given how much it haunted Luna, and yet the tasteless joke brought her relief.

Now there was just the part where she tells her sister that she was dating her favored protégé.

"You know, we don't have to tell her," Luna suggested.

"Who? . . .Oh no, you're not getting out of this. Celestia loves you, Luna. Your return was the happiest I've ever seen her. By comparison, our relationship isn't even an issue. I think you should talk to her about a lot of things. Just talk to her? She's your sister and you've been bottling up all your worries and fears. Do you honestly think that it will help matters if you lie to her?"

Luna knew well enough that this was one of those occasions where one doesn't argue with their lover. She wasn't much for drinking, but she was suddenly glad that alcohol was a new past-time for this holiday.

-----

Luna was surprised at the hustle and bustle in Ponyville that evening. She suspected that ponies from neighboring villages came to see the Royal Pony Sisters. Rarity and Pinkie Pie had done a superb job decorating the town with lantern strings and ribbons. From every building and lamppost hung banners celebrating Starswirl the Bearded.

Luna arrived to find several tables set up as if the entire town square was some sort of high-class, outdoor restaurant, with ponies sitting around chatting, dressed in classy attire. Strangely, there were few Canterlotians in attendance; most in the crowd were middle-class to poor ponies who couldn't afford what they were wearing.

Luna had noticed Rarity was unusually busy for a pony that normally made designer clothes for a decidedly small demographic; even incorporating the help of Fluttershy and a seamstress from Manehatten. She must have made clothes for almost the entire town.

It wasn't hard for Luna to pick her marefriend out of the crowd. Twilight stuck out like a sore thumb, even next to somepony as radiant as Celestia. Luna's attention immediately drew to the heart-shaped sapphire around Twilight's neck, a small bit of femininity that clashed with the rest of her attire. Luna really wished that Twilight had opted for something more alluring to go along with it. Then again, being distracted by her marefriend wouldn't get her through this evening with any sort of grace.

Luna stood across from her sister. With Celestia at the head of the table, and Twilight and her friends all sitting peculiarly on one side, the scene looked eerily familiar to a famous painting that Luna was quite fond of.

"Are you ready, dear sister?"

"Of course."

Celestia nodded and looked up to the sky. The sun was already waning, but it stubbornly hung over the edge of the horizon, awaiting command. The light from Celestia's horn was sure to blind any pony foolish enough to stare directly at it, but Luna was not only able to keep her gaze, but she could still see Celestia smiling.

Next was Luna's turn. She lit her horn, but instead of staring at the rising moon, her eyes were fixated on Twilight's face. She couldn't help but be a little smug to hear some of the 'ooh's and 'ah's' in the background, but cared little for that. Her pride swelled, not from the awe of the crowd, but because of Twilight's fascination, and the reflection of that silver moon in her eyes.

It was then Luna realized that Twilight's face was brighter than it should have been. All of Twilight's friends were in various states of shock. Somewhat bemused, Luna turned around to see what she had done.

The moon shone brighter than it had any right to, rivaling her sister's sun. The Stars demanded attention and the sky was alive with a meteor shower that refused to end.

"My, my." Celestia propped her head up with one hoof. "I wonder what has you in such a good mood. I've never known you to be that enthusiastic about the feast."

"I suppose that getting out and mingling with our subjects was exactly what I needed."

"Quite."

"I trust that everything is going smoothly in Canterlot?"

"I've managed for a thousand years. I can certainly manage a few weeks."

Luna bit her lip, and there was a long pause before either of them spoke.

"I am sorry, I wasn't thinking. In time, I think we should be able to talk about that. Come, sit with me."

Luna took her place between Celestia and Twilight. She wasn't able to meet her sister's eyes. Twilight placed a hoof on her shoulder and offered an awkward smile.

"Luna, I would like to hear about what you and Twilight have been doing for these past few weeks."

A squeak came from none other than Fluttershy. The blushing pegasus fell out of her chair.

"R-really?" Both Luna and Twilight shot each other panicked glances. Luna could hear Rainbow Dash snicker. This time Luna managed to shut the obnoxious mare up with a glare. Luna steeled herself. It was rather silly to fear her sister's reaction like some little filly. An almost nostalgic feeling, but those days had passed millennia ago. "Actually, Tia, I think that there's something that we need to discuss.

Twilight picked up her wine glass and downed it's contents.

Celestia looked bemused. A small glint in her eye gave Luna the impression that Celestia knew something. "Can it wait? I am hungry, and I believe the guests are waiting for us. Would you do the honors this time? I'm a little out of practice when it comes to addressing a crowd properly."

Luna was irritated that she'd been robbed of her moment. "Of course." she stood from her chair, and whispered in Twilight's ear, "I would advise that you hold your ears," before letting lose an ethereal bellow.

"CITIZENS OF PONYVILLE! IT PLEASES US TO ANNOUNCE THE FEAST OF THE WIZARD, COMMEMORATING STARSWIRL THE BEARDED'S PILGRIMAGE TO THE CRYSTAL EMPIRE, LET THE FEAST COMMENCE!"

The roar of the applause was almost as loud as Luna's voice. As it died down, the town square filled with chatter as ponies began to eat and converse amongst themselves.

"You know, I had an ulterior motive for suggesting that Luna stay with Twilight.

Luna's brow raised. "You did? Pray tell."

"I know that she has parents, but Twilight Sparkle and Cadance are the closest I have to daughters. They are dear to me, and now that Twilight is out on her own, I fear for her."

"Of course . . . "

"I worry about you as well, dear sister."

"Wait, you see me as a daughter?" Twilight asked.

"Does that offend you?"

"Of course not, Princess, I'm just surprised."

"Twilight, you're doing it again."

"Princess Celestia?"

"That."

"Princess?"

"Yes. Exactly. Cut it out."

"Uh . . ."

Celestia started to chuckle. "Your own title negates the need for you to call me, 'princess', even in public. More importantly, I would have none of you refer to me as such in private."

"Oh . . . right. I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize. However, I find it odd that you don't have the same reservations in regards to my sister."

Twilight downed another glass of wine.

"Oh, if you would excuse me, I have to take care of something."

Luna and Twilight both watched Celestia leave. When she was out of earshot, Twilight pulled Luna by the ear and whispered to her in a volume that could be heard by everyone.

"Why didn't you tell her?! The suspense is killing me!"

"Thou could say something--"

"Oh no. You're not getting out of this. You're going to tell your sister that we are dating, and you're going to do it as soon as she gets back!"

"Very well, but I would appreciate it if thou would not pull my ear so hard . . ."

"Oh, sorry. I guess I got carried away." Twilight grinned sheepishly.

---

Luna and Twilight sat in silence while everyone chatted among themselves. It was a good thirty minutes and Celestia hadn't returned. Luna knew full well how royal duties could hi-jack one's time, but this was getting irritating; worse still, the wine was rather weak.

"I fink we should go find 'er," Twilight slurred.

"Can you walk? I somehow doubt that you're able to handle the amount of wine that you've been drinking."

"You're not my mother," Twilight said with a slightly dopey grin.

"That would be strange on many levels."

Luna had to agree with her slightly-sauced girlfriend; they needed to find Celestia. It took a bit of pressure to convince a guard, who had been entrusted with Celestia's privacy, to give up her whereabouts. He pointed them towards a secluded gazebo adjacent to a field where many ponies danced.

As they both neared the gazebo, Luna froze. There, her sister sat on a bench-swing with none other than Pinkie Pie. Celestia was holding Pinkie's hoof in her own, while cupping the smaller mare's face, leaning into a kiss. Pinkie's eyes were half-lidded, her expression void of her characteristic absurdity.

"Pinkemena Diane Pie, what in the name of Harmony are you doing with my mentor?!"

Pinkie's eyes and smile immediately bounced back to their usual jubilance, as if she'd been caught acting in a manner not meant to be seen. "Oh, hiya Twilight! What are you and Lunie up to?"

"What are we up to? What are you up to?!"

"Oh, Gee Twilight, I don't think I can answer your first question, I can't very well know what you're up to anymore than you and Lunie, so I think that the only pony that should answer that is you. Oh! But I CAN answer your second question; I know exactly what I was up to. I was about to kiss Celesty!"

Twilight's eye twitched and her mouth quavered as her attention darted back and forth from Pinkie, to Celestia, who smirked at her former student.

"I can't deal with this right now . . . there has to be another glass of wine around here somewhere."

"Ooh, We should go dancing!"

"Huh?"

"You've had a little too much to drink, I know 'cause I've been watching you. I found it funny at first, because you were all worried about Celesty finding out about you making kissy-faces with Lunie, and you didn't know that I'd been making kissy faces with Celesty, but it's not funny if you pass out, but it is funny to watch you dance, and drunk Twilight is probably a much funner dancer; and besides, it looks like Lunie and Celesty want to talk, so lets go!"

"Fine--hurk!" Pinkie dragged Twilight back towards the party.

Luna just stared as Pinkie dragged Twilight away. "Well, that was . . . interesting. Of all the ponies . . . really, Tia? Her?"

"I don't think I could explain even if I had a whole century . . . but I probably will at some point. Would you care to explain what you are doing with my student?"

"You already knew."

"Of course I knew."

"And you've been messing with me the whole time . . . how typical of you. How long have you been aware? You didn't plan this, did you?"

"No, I didn't plan it, but I can't say that I'm displeased either. You managed to catch me off-guard, Luna. I had my suspicions, but I only truly put the pieces together when I saw Twilight wearing that amulet."

"What of it? Anypony could have bought it. Such gestures don't necessarily mean anything."

"Part of you must remember. That amulet is a replica of one that our mother wore."

" . . . ."

"Did you honestly think that I'd be angry? Is there no longer any trust between us?"

"For what I've done? I can't see why there would be. I, myself, have been bitter for far too long."

"Luna, I--"

"I built a statue of us."

"I beg your pardon?"

"From moon-dust and rocks I created a monument to how we once were. Even in madness, I loved you. I was bitter because and alone. Coming back from that is almost surreal."

Celestia crossed necks with her sister. "It would seem that some things will take time, but time we do have.

"Do you not fear me? Do you not suspect that I may relapse?"

"The burden of eternity is heavy. Even the best of us can lose our way, but I doubt that you would allow for that now. Regardless, I simply do not care. Worrying about that is not worth losing you even after you've returned to me. Besides, even if you were to lose your way, I'll not be alone in helping you to find yourself."

"You speak of Twilight."

"Yes, The elements are strange that way. I'm sure you've noticed it by now."

"She's immortal."

"She is." Celestia looked toward Pinkie Pie and Twilight. "She also needs dancing lessons."

Luna looked into the crowd and Facehooved. Twilight was still dancing with Pinkie-- erratically, without any regard to the ponies that were giving her a wide berth. Celestia and Luna burst out into uncontrollable laughter.

Author's Note:

Entry for March Luna Contest

Prompts 2 and 3

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Comments ( 57 )

Pinkie and Celestia. Huh. As... unexpected, as that particular detail was, as well as the following overload to my logic-device (AKA: brain-pan) from attempting to figure out how that relationship would work, I enjoyed this quite a bit. I'm always up for some TwiLuna fluffiness.

(Spoiler'd because the first few comments like this can ruin someone's desire to read a story pretty easily)

"I've managed for a thousand years. I can certainly manage a few weeks."

ouch. nice tact. :trixieshiftright:

Comment posted by Melancholy Angel deleted Apr 1st, 2014

Hello there, if anyone of you know me by now. You'll know why I'm here.

Fucking TwiLuna garbage bullshit fucking pairing. Fuck all TwiLuna writers, fuck them all. I will murder their entire family in front of their eyes before I proceed to disembowel their intestines as they drift in and out of consciousness. Fuck them all, and fuck you. P.S it's bad for your eyes to read small prints.

Not a bad story, quite cute and drunk Twilight is always a plus. The PieLestia could have done with a little more explanation though. As it is, it just seems like random Pinkie silliness for the sake of it.

4166317
Because you're an idiot that likes to spam people stories with hate filled comments for no other reason than a general dislike for the TwiLuna pairing?

I could see the Pinkie and Celestia, but that's because I remember reading Twice as Bright, which was the most lovely, convincing Cellypie I've seen.

Also, the scene where Luna accidentally makes the night sky incredible was just incredibly touching. This was very good! :pinkiehappy:

4166477 Fine, I admit. That was a very stupid move of me. You'll never hear from me again.


Good day.

Now I'm not going to be able to think of Starswirl the Bearded without giving him an Irish accent. :twilightsmile:

Cute and fluffy, with a bucketful of adorable little scenes. It does need a good proofread - a few punctuation issues here, subject-verb agreement there - but that doesn't detract from the warm fuzzies. Thumbs up!

Nice, I like this.

My only complaint is the massive blocks of dialogue with no indication of who's talking. It's okay when there's just two in the conversation but at three, I get lost.

DH7

4167084
I need to go back to high-school. I had someone look over it, but only for another set of eyes. The guy really isn't any more versed in grammar than I am.


4167563
I try to take a minimalistic approach to speech tags, but if character voice isn't enough of an indicator for some people, then I've shaved them off too much.

I'll go back and change this once the forum contest is over. As of right now, adding anything would put me over the word-count limit. On that same note, this is the last time I'm participating in a contest with a 5k limit.

4166595

That's one of my favorite fics . . . and definitely one of my favorite authors.

I want to take a crack at the pairing myself some time, but my decision here was largely for kicks, shits, and giggles. I thought that, perhaps, a 5k fic where they're only a minor side-pairing, exempted me from the burden of actually having to explain that shiz-nit. XD

4166317

I'm actually very interested in your dislike of the pairing. Is it general apathy, or is there a reason?

I wasn't much interested in the pairing at all until I read a couple of adventure-romance fics. I was more interested in Twi/Pie until I read Cloudy Skies "Within and Without". There's a lot of potential in the fact that Luna is an age-old goddess.

She can be far more complicated than what we see of her. The way I've seen her depicted, she can even be wrathful and scary. It was the depiction of Twilight as both being clever and bold enough to stand up to such a being, that has me so interested in the pairing.

Granted, none of that is really in this little 5k fic. I touch upon their age difference, but I didn't really have time to do what I really want to do with this pairing.

--

Ironically, your favorite ship is probably my least favorite ship. It's pretty obvious to me that it's a one-sided, boy-hood crush. Rarity definitely cares for him . . . there's legitimate love there, but not that kind of love. If she did return his affections, that would make her a pedophile.

Still, I don't like saying that a paring doesn't work, I'd much rather find a way to make it work. If it were me writing that pairing, Spike would have to be aged up . . . past the age of a teenager.

This still presents a few problems. The first is that Rarity is still likely to see him as a kid. Even if she were to find him attractive as he got older, I would think that she would be reluctant to act on that, fighting an almost maternal need to protect someone she loves, that she has trouble seeing as an adult.

The second problem, is actually Spike's child-hood infatuation. He needs to be able to see Rarity without the silver-rimmed goggles. He needs to see her as a fallible equal, even be capable of hating her. Only then, would I consider him able to love her as a man/Stallion/whatever the fuck an adult, make Dragon is called.

Third? By the time Spike is an Adult, or old enough to be considered one, he's probably going to be freaking huge, in more ways than one. We've seen teen-aged dragons . . . and Spike is not a teen-aged dragon. I don't expect him to be quite as large as the adult dragons that they've encountered, but still much, much larger than any pony.

I'm kind of a Spike/Sweetie shipper (Probably hate me even more now) and this doesn't bode well for that ship's future either. I like Spike/CMC ships, but they've got me trying to come up solutions for the problem of an adult relationship. The only thing that I can manage to come up with, is magic.

Then again, some people like some of the ships I dislike, BECAUSE of the reasons that I don't.

IINice! I liked it keep up the good work!

4167628 Yeah it's okay, Sparity isn't my favourite ship but it's more of a head canon thing like you said, a crush.

And also, I'm not against SweetieXSpike shipping. Although it's questionable how Sweeite would accept Spike.

As for my general hatred against everything TwiLuna, it's that my head canon and official canon is TwiFlash.

( Also, it's vomit inducing whenever I see(not read)
a TwiLuna fic. I mean there's are so much better choices of shipping some pony with Luna. Lunashy is one. It's a cuteness overload. This can also be attributed to reading more TwiLestia fics so my head canon also demands that too.

Lastly, I apologise for my idiotic behavior. As I was from a forum that is watched by Nazi moderators who will ban you for the most simplest mistake, my behavior from that forum might have continued on on FiMFiction.

Have a nice day.

DH7

4170589
Idiotic behavior? I love a good shipping debate, so no harm done, friend.

I have to admit, my personal hatred of Equestria Girls makes it very hard for me to ship Twi/Flash. I'd like to think that I can ship just about anyone with enough effort , , , I just really have a hard time going with Hasbro's efforts in competing with 'Monster High' and presenting the Mane Six as HighSchool Students. That really isn't fair to Flash. I should be able to accept him just the same as any other love interest in a fanfic.

Anyway, I suppose I'm more of a 'fluffy' writer than anything else, and this proves it, but I will condemn anything that's a 'cuteness overload' and nothing else. A real story needs conflict, not two characters spouting pet-names at each other.

4166317
Hey, dude. That's not cool. I'm not a fan of the pairing either; in fact, I'm not even going to read the story. But guess what: I'm not going to leave a downright insulting comment or a dislike because of that.

Edit: You already apologized. My bad. Carry on.

About halfway through you mistyped the italics-thing, so the second half of the story is entirely in italics.

Nice story though!

DH7

4177526
Fixed. Thank you. I don't know why I didn't notice it, and I'm surprised someone hadn't pointed it out already. :derpytongue2:

Very nice story. :twilightsmile: Great TwiLuna.

DH7

4341285

A random pony appears!

I think there's a pokemon reference in there somewhere.

I'm still debating on whether or not I should expand this a bit; before, I couldn't go outside of a 5k limit. I've expanded the 'Nightmare Mirror' scene, but I'm also debating getting rid of it.

There's a prologue scene that depicts Luna Celestia arguing, but it was mostly written by my brother. I had originally meant for Celestia trolling Luna and Twilight some more, but my brain came up empty. Lastly, I think the conversation between Luna and Celestia, was, perhaps, anti-climactic.

I should have had it edited by someone other than my brother, but adhering to a deadline meant that I would have to do things ass-backwards. Now that I've lost the contest, I'm going to focus my energy on revising it, having a couple of people look at it, and ten try to get it in Twilight's Library.

DH7

4341490 All the more reason for me to keep tabs on your group. I may seek your advice when the revised version is finished.

The story is not bad

DH7

4602145

I don't think 'not bad' is good enough for a favorite. I don't favorite everything I enjoy. I might hit 'like' on a story that I more-or-less enjoyed more than hated. Favorites are more of a commitment that stay on your profile. :moustache:

4602897 So did you check out my story yet?

DH7

4604008
I've read the part where the Cobblepots are introduced . . . so, basically just the first few paragraphs. I'm going to have to wait until I'm not in the middle of another story before I can finish, or else I'm going to be too distracted.

4604244 Alright then and it's Cobblewing

DH7

4604250
Whoops.
That just emphasizes my point. :facehoof:
Reading too fast, absorbing barely anything.

4604253 Well Cobblewing is the ponified version of Cobblepot

4166693 try imagining him with Morgan Freeman's voice

DH7

4717967
That sounds strangely close to something I said on a another fanfiction site . . .

Dammit, Pinkie. Way to wreck the tension. :ajbemused:

I must say like how you portray Celestia in this - wise and kind but also mischievous, totally not above teasing Luna and Twilight but staying completely cool about it the whole time.

Over-all, this was a good story, though I thought the conclusion felt somewhat weak in proportion to the buildup. I expected it to be more emotional, I guess. Also, there are some pretty obvious typos here and there, you should fix those.

DH7

4802054

Your not the only person to have said something about the ending. I'm thinking of expanding on that, as well as actually depicting the argument between Celestia and Luna.

I was arrogant enough to think that I had managed to write this with all but a few typos/grammatical errors. I hate to say it, but even after going through this again, I don't think I should trust myself.

I actually spent a few hours on it, was quite surprised, myself. It's just too bad the browser window screwed up on me.

I'm actually kind of of surprised that you even read this.

4802158

Your not the only person to have said something about the ending. I'm thinking of expanding on that, as well as actually depicting the argument between Celestia and Luna.

I think what bothers me is that Luna doesn't seem to get the catharsis she clearly needs. I don't quite think they should actually have argued about it, but Luna needs a release from her anxiety. I wanted her to break down in tears, or tell Celestia she doesn't deserve Twilight, something like that. Because the one Luna is really afraid of letting down is herself, not her sister.

I was arrogant enough to think that I had managed to write this with all but a few typos/grammatical errors. I hate to say it, but even after going through this again, I don't think I should trust myself.

You do this thing where you apparently start a sentence, change your mind halfway, then forget to delete one of the words:

I was bitter because and alone.

I think there were a few more, but I'm not in the right mind to find them. Anyway, errors like those are tricky since they aren't typos, so spellcheckers just skip right over them.

I'm actually kind of of surprised that you even read this.

Well, your post in the moral themes thread got me curious.

DH7

4802303

I wanted her to break down in tears, or tell Celestia she doesn't deserve Twilight, something like that. Because the one Luna is really afraid of letting down is herself, not her sister.

Writing that without sounding melodramatic is going to be a challenge for me, but it's something to think about, and at least attempt. The worst thing that could happen is that I might fail.

That's probably the most in-depth thing anyone has ever said about the poor ending, including the review-tag games I occasionally participate in.

but I'm not in the right mind to find them.

I'm not one to expect any reader to play proofreader. Just the knowledge that they are there, and the kind of errors that are there, is more than enough. You have my thanks.

Well, seeing as I've conversed with you a bunch, I figured I'd take a look at your stories.

Or, as it would seem, story, singular.

I think this is an example of a story where a secondary ship hurts it; every time you put in a ship, you have to sell it to the audience, and this story works on selling Luna x Twilight to us, but it doesn't work on selling Celestia x Pinkie, and as such, the latter pairing is very jarring and feels thrown in at the end. This is always a danger with throwing in extra ships, and is why LyraBon and OctaScratch and Shining Armor x Cadance are so frequently used in the beta couple role - they're pretty much universally accepted and, in the last case, actually canon.

Every divergence from canon is something which pushes on the reader's suspension of disbelief, and I think Celestia x Pinkie Pie is a very "out there" ship to begin with - even further out there than a random M6xM6 ship.

So I think that hurt the story a bit.

The other problem I had, though, was that we got a bunch of sources of conflict and then they all lead to anticlimaxes - we had Rarity and Spike walking in on them, which then lead to an anticlimax as it didn't really matter (and in fact, the fact that they were together and Spike saw them wasn't really addressed at all). Then we had them at the table, and it becoming increasingly obvious that Celestia was teasing them... and then Celestia walked off, leading to another anticlimax.

That's not good! You're building up tension and then not doing anything with it. When you finally resolve things, it is obvious it doesn't really matter and as such the climax and resolution don't feel that satisfying.

The story on the whole is not poorly written, though - the prose is quite serviceable. But the course of the plot, the pacing and the engagement curve, don't work.

You should write more stuff, though - while this story had some issues, I think you have potential.

DH7

4843616

Far more in-depth concrit than what I could get from the review-tag game over at WA. I thank you for the feedback. I plan on revising this thing . . . eventually, and every bit helps.

I am writing other stories, but I'm keeping the drafts on my computer until I actually complete something. My first fan-fic was in an anime fandom, and I quickly learned that I have no business trying to post chapters before I have a completed fic.

I knew I was taking a risk with Pinkie/Celestia, even if I meant for it to be a 'WTF?' moment, it doesn't work if it comes off as jarring, rather than humorous. I think I felt more comfortable trying something like this in a one-shot, but I can't say that I'm not writing other side-ships that are going to make some people cringe. I've got Rarijack in another fic, and I know damn well that's going to earn me some downvotes.

In any case, you've given me some things to mull over.

4843691
Well, if you're going to sideship with the mane six, RariJack and AppleDash are the safest choices; the show's creators love writing Rarity and Applejack together, and Applejack and Rainbow Dash end up together a lot in episodes and are one of the most popular ships (RariJack is probably third or fourth these days in terms of mane six ships). TwiDash and FlutterDash are also probably acceptable; you could probably get away with Flarity or PinkieDash as well.

The problem is every step you take is more dangerous, and it is all about making it feel natural and something that the readers won't question. It is very easy to just slide AppleDash or RariJack in because we already know how they act towards each other and you don't actually have to make THAT big of an adjustment to have them be together romantically in terms of character interaction. TwiDash, FlutterDash, and PinkieDash all require much larger deviations, while Flarity suffers from the problem that it can easily end up too lovey-dovey.

Basically, what you do with them shouldn't pull the reader away from the story. It is very easy for things to be jarring, and putting characters in unusual situations - and that includes a relationship - is an easy source of damage to suspension of disbelief. The more you have the characters act outside of how they behave in canon, the more likely you are to pull someone out of your story.

The important question is why you're doing what you're doing, and whether or not what you're doing is going to contribute to the story and fits naturally into it or will appear out of nowhere and blindside the reader. I've noticed that doing this sort of thing works best if we clearly establish the characters behaving in character right off the bat - that is to say, that the first actions that we see from the shipped characters are wholly in-character, as this seems to reassure the reader that the characters are, in fact, in character and makes it an easier sell. This, I think, again contributes to why AppleDash and RariJack are relatively easy side-ships to pull off - the characters can easily transition into being in a relationship without changing large amounts of their behavior towards each other (both pairings can still easily tease each other or bicker a bit or bounce off each other in fairly standard ways).

I don't think side-shipping really causes many downvotes so much as jarring side-shipping does - basically, when you have two characters together without selling it to the reader, it can come off to easily as (insert pairing here) OTP or THEY ARE TOTALLY TOGETHER or whatever. Who We Are is a good example of a story which suffers for the sideship - kits basically came off as just randomly sticking Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash together for no reason at all at the start of the story. Sure, the story is still solid enough, and there is actually a reason that they did it (though I think they could have done it in a different manner), but it would be a better story if it hadn't been so jarring.

Good luck with your other writing; if you do get close to finished with one of your other stories and need an editor, feel free to give me a poke and I'll see about what I can do to help out.

DH7

4843902
I'm really far too reckless to consider what's safe, even for a fic that I've been working on since the beginning of last year, but it's good to know that I'm probably not arming a nuke with this one.

I've been working off of a loose outline, but I'm never quite sure what I'm going to end up doing between 'Point A' and 'Point B'. Writing RariJack into a TwiLuna fic was something that I simply decided to do because I noticed that I had them interacting an awful lot.

Good luck with your other writing; if you do get close to finished with one of your other stories and need an editor, feel free to give me a poke and I'll see about what I can do to help out.

Careful there, I might just hold you to that. :twilightsheepish:

The Pinkie Pie/Celestia pairing is... jarring, in how completely it popped out of nowhere. I don't dislike the pairing, but it almost completely knocked aside the tension you had built up for the non-existent conversation between Twilight, Luna, and Celestia.
Nonetheless, I enjoyed the story, and now head off to find more TwiLuna.

DH7

5170233

You're not the only one to have said as much. I threw it in for comedy, but if people's initial reaction is that it's jarring, rather than funny, then I'm doing it wrong. Just one of the many things that's going to be on my mind once I finally get around to revising it.

If you're a TwiLuna fan, I'd highly recommend Within and Without, Apotheosis, and Aurora, but you've probably already heard of them.

5171082 I need only to brace myself and wade out into my "Read Later" list, which is soon to burst out of my computer and flood my house.

DH7

5171109
I've got over a hundred on my list, and intend on reading it all. I just haven't had any time lately.

Oh my gosh, I'm dying of laughter...! :rainbowlaugh:
This story, I... I can't even start to describe. It. It's effects. Anything. Wow, just... wow. It was short, it was well-paced, it was hilariously funny, it was cute, it... was just 'wow'. There is a smile on my face right now, this persistent sort of a grin you can't dismiss, even if you'd summon all your willpower. And it just keeps on trying to split my face in half.

This is definitely something worth recommending. To everything. And everyone. And everypony.

... dancing lessons... :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

Thank you!

PS.: This should get WAY more attention than it got until now...!

DH7

5351787
I'm glad you liked it. I'm currently in the process of revising it. It's taking longer than a one-shot probably should, and I'm eager to get back to some of my longer projects, but I'm a little obsessive. This was done for a contest, didn't make it into Twilight's Library, and I've always felt that this was rushed.

5352563
It didn't feel rushed to me... then again, that's probably a point one can argue about. Did this rejection came with reasons? Those would be interesting to hear... or, read.

DH7

5352705

I'm not sure that I've changed it yet, as I'm a little fuzzy one what revisions I've made to what versions, but the reviewer saw Twilight as a bit OOC. The way I had it written, it seemed like Luna was freaking out more than Twilight about Rarity showing up and Twilight wanting to stay in bed made her appear lazy, neither of which were my intention. I've re-worded it a bit so that Twilight is clearly having a panic attack, and there's a bit more explanation as to why she's not early-to-rise.

The reviewer also didn't think the story was focused enough on humor to warrant the 'comedy' tag, stating that before anything legitimately funny we get this 'strange drama scene' which I'm assuming is referring to Luna's argument with her reflection.

Apparently I have a bit more proofreading to do, and my ending is very weak. Many seem to also feel that the secondary pairing is more jarring than funny, and I'm currently writing in another scene with Pinkie meeting Celestia as she arrives in Ponyville in the hopes of making it a bit more plausible to readers.

I think the most difficult piece of concrit to tackle is one where a reviewer said that I have a habit of building up tension and then letting it evaporate.

5354095
Non of these reasons really counts as a 'lightweight'... wow. Maybe I'm not strict enough or this version fixed already a lot of those points, but to be honest... I can't see it. Anything of it.
Luna hasn't got enough on-screen-time yet to be a fully developed, complex character. There's still a lot of creative space for writers. And although Twi isn't lazy, I wouldn't have thought that of her just because she sleeps in. For two simple reasons. The first one would be, that, given this is her first relationship and she really, really, really enjoys it, this can lead to such 'uncharacteristic decisions'. Sometimes, even the best hard-working ethic has to kneel down before simple enjoyment. Then, the second reason would be even more obvious: Twilight loves the night. Especially working during it. Studying. Reading. Writing. Stargazing. No one ever said when she regularly goes to bed. Could be around midnight, sure - could also be around five. And she has to sleep a couple of hours eventually. Her complete rhythm is just a different one from anypony else. Or at least, I can imagine it being that way.

The tags. That comedy-tag belongs where it already is. I simply can't agree with that point. This story is hilariously funny. And the mirror-scene? Well. Could've been to intentionally disrupt the flow so that the reader doesn't get accustomed to smiling, laughing and shaking his head all the time. Could also be a little 'insert sequel-potential here'-sign, something to build on in other stories later on. It could probably be seen in many ways and I don't think it... bothers me. At all.

Building up tension and letting it evaporate? Yeah, well... that's another point I just don't seem to get. At least to me, it felt well-paced and well-written, I didn't get frustrated at any point. As for the proofreading, I can't say much about that. Or I shouldn't. English isn't my native language and I still struggle to write comments, feeling uneasy using a language I'm not that familiar with. Apparently, I can transport my thoughts well enough so others get the idea of what I'm trying to say, but I'm far from being able to 'play' with it in any creative way, write my own stories or criticize others for their mistakes.

Pinkie. Heh. Yeah. Didn't saw that one coming. I thought it was funny, though. Not as hilarious as other parts, but still funny. Like Luna herself has put it: Of all the mares in Equestria... her?! I think Pinkie is a hard character to write, but also to read and to comprehend - that is, if one is actually able to do so in the first place. She's a sweet one, but hasn't got as much fans as, let's say, Rainbow. She has her antics, which can get pretty annoying, she has her own way of speaking, stuff like that. I think this got criticized due to her being unexpected at that point and in this situation, and due to... how to put it? A certain lack of appreciation for her being. At least, that's what I can imagine.
But... I liked it. I liked that one could read through everything, laugh and giggle and smile and when that part came, I just had to stop, read it again, sitting here with my dumb smile, my first reaction being a stupid '... huh...!', before another grin spread. It really came out of the blue. No hint, no mentioning, and... I appreciated it. In some way, it just showed that Celestia has her own life and that she's waaay better at keeping it secret. I thought of it as a cute little addition.

But then again, as I already said, that's just my point of view.

I......I need MOAR! :pinkiegasp:

DH7

5523889

It's a one-shot, and I never planned on expanding on this story but eventually i'm going to revise it, as I'm not satisfied with it, and I think it needs another scene to make the whole Pinkie/Celestia thing more plausible, among other things.

I've got a few projects that I've been working on in the background for a couple of years now. The largest and most complex being another TwiLuna fic, this one being romance/adventure.

5524515 Well I still love the story either way. so good job. and I'll be following you for more TwiLuna. :twilightsmile:

5524515 me thinks revising would be wise and perhaps expanding that ending it seems kind of abrupt

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