• Member Since 24th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen August 15th

Newtaloo


Story lover, enthusiastic nerd, hopeful romantic. Here to hone my craft and, hopefully, make you smile. For my non-pony writing, check out my Tumblr. If you'd like to chat, Twitter's my jam.

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A short story about waiting, hay fries, and the dangers of space and silence in matters of the heart.

Takes place in the background of "Twilight Time".

(Featured by Equestria Daily, The Royal Guard, and the Royal Canterlot Library. Thanks so much, everyone!)

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 103 )

Good God. I love it. Excellent job at keeping things minimal and still delivering a powerful story. Reminds me a lot of the song Schism by Tool. "Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion." You've created a very high tier fic, in my opinion. :pinkiehappy:

A writer noticed him at last! Oh HAPPY DAY! <3

Reading now, but did you notice he suddenly got nice foreground focus after that Twilight Time episode? Me thinks he's under relationship stress or something. Poor dude.

Anyhow, onto the reading!

Well. Now that ending. That would teach a pony a nice lesson there. Great story.

That was amazing

The feels!

Oh my... Well done my good sir.

Also, for future use, the pony's name is Goldengrape.

Damn it, you made me cry.

4160478 Wow, thank you so much!

4160638 Heh, a friend pointed him out to me the day the episode aired and I got this idea stuck in my head, but it took me so long to finish it I wasn't sure anyone would even remember he was there. :derpytongue2: Glad to see he caught someone else's eye, and I'm so glad you liked the story! :twilightsmile:

4160750 Thanks! You're amazing for following me. :heart:

4160934
4161102
(Newtaloo, Inc. is not responsible for any emotional, psychological, or physical damage caused by reading affiliated sadfics. If you find that your feels are attempting to flee your body via your tear ducts, please avail yourself of the complimentary tissues.)

4161070 Why thank you! It didn't occur to me to see if he had a name until I'd finished the fic since I was planning on only using pronouns for him and his ex, but I was surprised to find out how many other times he's shown up in the background of the show. Maybe I'll write about him again if any more of his background antics catch my eye...

4162267
You're very welcome, can't wait to see more :eeyup:

It was enjoyable.:ajsmug:

Beautiful and moving. Bravo.

Well, that was depressing.

Well done, sir.

Excellent! I was waiting for a story about this sad pony ever since I saw him in the background of Twilight Time!

It's stories like these that I come here for. The theme is very adult-oriented, a problem that many of us have faced at least once in our lives. I do also love how at the end you've made it ambiguous what her true intentions were for being there, so that readers are left to interpret it for themselves.

Readers can either see it as depressing, should the colt have been wrong and that there WAS a chance to save it... or see it as inspiring, if even HALF of his negative epiphanies about her were true. Hell, that dude could've been in a very unhealthy and one-way relationship, and he was one of the LUCKY ones who took charge of his own destiny and saved himself!

The only problem I had was with the starting paragraph. Using words like "jackhammer-intensity" can leave little to the imagination and make the reader wonder, "Why aren't the other patrons noticing this goofball make a commotion of himself?"

My advice to you is to watch your choice of words, or at least rephrase what's being affected. Maybe the tip of his hooves were moving with "jackhammer-intensity" on the table, rather than the table itself. Makes more sense than having the ponypocalypse descend on Equestria, all of a sudden.

Another thing I note is how you managed to use present-tense consistently in this story. Impressive work, but not my style-cup-of-tea, made me feel a bit weirded out. Guess I've gotten too used to reading stories in the past tense.

So here's my overall verdict:

Quality: :scootangel::scootangel::scootangel::scootangel::scootangel: of 5 (Higher means story theme is intriguing and worth investing)
Errors: 0 of 5 (Higher means more spelling/grammatical errors pointed out, jarring the reader)
Style Conflict: :trixieshiftleft: of 5 (Higher means more uncomfortable to read by conventional viewers)
Total: :heart::heart::heart::heart::heart: of 5, definitely a keeper

it maked me cry but i luv it :))) <3

4327102 Thank you so much! To borrow your phrasing, it's feedback like this that I came here for. Constructive criticism that's not just praise but genuinely critical is invaluable, and I appreciate your taking the time to break it down for me like that. I'm also thrilled that you enjoyed the story so much - that really makes my day!

I know the story's really about Goldengrape, but this:

"Oh, I don't work here, silly," she giggles.

was just perfect. :twilightsmile:

4327905 You know, I actually considered writing Pinkie out of the story at one point because I was having a hard time getting her to fit with the tone, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. She's just too much fun to write!

I'm shipping Pinkie and this colt now 0_0

This fic is AMAZING, fantastic, simply fantastic, I love it :pinkiehappy:

This was a very well done story, my friend. I applaud you!

Touching.
You described the feeling of loneliness very good and especially the process of him paying attention on little details while dwelling in thoughts.
The end is very sad, though it gave me the feeling that he realized that his marefriend isn't so good like he thought.
But he still seemed kinda sad when he left, instead of relieved about having realized that, so I'm not sure if I understood it right.
All in all, she does seem to have good qualities as well, so I hope it works out for them somehow. :applecry:

Also, I love it how you nailed Pinkie! The end when she says that she isn't a waitress, while totally acting like one before, made me burst out in laughter.
You wrote her perfect.
And I have the feeling I should ship them now. While reading the story I had the whole time the feeling that he and Pinkie will end up with each other. Maybe I will continue this story one day. :pinkiehappy:

Oh man, so close to heart.

THIS. IS. AMAZING!
It hit so close to home too :fluttercry::raritycry::raritydespair::pinkiesad2:

where did I put my anti-depressants:fluttershbad:

Damn. That ending.
I need a sequel. It's the only thing that will cure my feels.

Reading this is a bit of a surreal experience for me, considering I also wrote a one-shot based on the same clip! Mine isn't exactly the same, but it comes pretty close. Funny how that works out sometimes, isn't it? :rainbowlaugh:

I never cry... :applejackunsure:
Okay, sometimes I do, but I can keep it in, bro.
Still, really sad, keeps me connected with the character at the spotlight, and PINKIE. :pinkiehappy:
I give it:
:moustache::moustache::moustache::fluttershysad::fluttershysad::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:/10.

Well done! And Pinkie was spot on!

Well done. The feels :applecry: but very well done.

Buck that mare through window, it's what she deserves. :twilightangry2::pinkiecrazy:

I noticed that guy to and im like: why is he so sad this a show about ponies for Christ sake......we need Pharrell Williams Now

Nice job making it to the Popular Stories list. I rather enjoyed reading and reviewing this one.

4339549 Thanks so much! Your review was definitely a big help in getting me there.

la increible manera en que los interactuan y sienten... es tan perfecta... tan real que podes tranquilamente meterte en los zapatos de los personajes... señor: lo felicito por el buen trabajo... es la primera vez que leo un texto en ingles y me siento asi... :ajsleepy: (sorry for the lack of english:twilightblush:)

I came here ready to feel
and my god
I feel EVERYTHING

Some p[ony else wrote a story on this guy. It was good. I think it's in my favs!

Oh my Celestia! The feels man! The FEELS!!!:pinkiesad2:

Gotta love this fandom. Turning something completely pointless into something with more meaning than anyone could imagine.

Why. Why. I was already satisfied with the whole story.

WHY'D YOU TEAR MY HEART APART IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH?

Comment posted by Newtaloo deleted May 6th, 2014

4329721 Thanks! I think you're right about both things - he realized what was wrong with his relationship and that it was too late to fix it, and he'll be grateful he did, but it still hurt to leave it behind. Sadness often comes before relief.
It makes me so happy to hear that I wrote Pinkie well, too. Since she's the only canon character in the story I was nervous about getting her right. And while I've got no plans to add anything to this story, you're more than welcome to pick it up where I left off and give Pinkie and Goldengrape the happy ending they deserve. :raritywink:

4335281 That is an impressive number of mustaches - a compliment of the highest order. Thank you!

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