The griffon and pony inhabitants of Stable 44 had their share of issues and tension between them. After a coup, the victors formed a government free of Overponies or Overgriffons. A democracy. Now, trained in the fields of stealth and hunting, these stable dwellers will leave to find a destroyed world. At least now we're somewhat prepared. Sunny Gust, a young stallion from the Stable, and a group of other ponies and griffons, set out to make communications with any other survivors. Let's hope the welcome wagon isn't from raiders.
Chapters (4)
Neigh Mexico
I'm liking Sunny Gust's character, keep writing and welcome to the world of FoE writers
4160066 Thank you! I had no idea what I was doing and it means a lot that someone likes it!
Thanks for adding your story to the Fallout Equestria Group! Hope it helps your story get more views!
If I may offer some words of advice.
What I'm doing for my own is separating the narration from the internal thoughts by using italics for the latter. Also, when it comes to those internal thoughts... maybe tone down the cursing a little less for at least the prologue? I can understand a character being vulgar, but at first he just seems to come off as really happy-go-lucky, next second he's complaining about every little thing that happens with the gusto of a sailor.
The toaster repair thing: yeah, I read the original and I grinned at the reference, but you used the same joke three times in rapid succession. I just suggest you maybe give a different type of generic job to a maintenance pony and don't have him bother re-mentioning broken toasters directly after Ero does. (I assume that's pronounced the same as arrow. I've never seen a tilde over an 'O' before, so my bad.)
Speaking of Ero, I can't really tell Sunny's overall opinion on him. He calls him a friend at one point, then he talks about him in the last section like he doesn't want anything to do with him. Also, while I'm on that particular note, how didn't Sunny know Ero was going to be going out there when their first interaction with one another basically says that Ero was teaching them? If the scouting party is a separate division from other parties, I think you might want to make that more clear.
With the hindleg stance, feel free to call it what you like. But I've personally taken a liking to 'rearing combat' myself. Just an opinion.
Sorry, rambling about stuff I don't like. Let me tell you what I liked:
Though this may be some bias talking (I frickin' love Griffons...Griffins...whatever!) but I really like the idea of a dual-species stable society. If done well enough and depending on, well...wherever the stable actually happens to be in relation to the world (by the way, you may wish to simply change it to New Mexicolt) then a Griffon/Earth Pony/Unicorn society could work in interesting ways. When I say 'in relation to the world,' I'm wondering things like where the stable is built and certain things about its internal structure, i.e. where do they get their food, does it have high ceilings to accommodate for the Griffons' ability to fly, etc. I can't imagine being cooped up in a stable would be good for flight practice.
I'll admit I find the characters a little bland, but it's only the prologue. You have plenty of time to spice things up as the story moves along and I'm looking forward to seeing Sunny and Ero develop in the wastes.
I guess I'll give an example of how I might write this and hopefully that'll help as well;
Oh great, dark... nice to be back in the atrium.
It wasn't pitch black, but if I held my hoof out in front of me, I could make it out about as well as my shadow. I was told the cloying darkness was meant to help our eyes adjust to low-visibility conditions more seamlessly, but I'd honestly just like the security of knowing that thing brushing up against my leg wasn't a radroach.
A majority of the lights in these areas were either kept dim or shut off entirely. We didn't need any(more) sudden-blindness mishaps. But we're hunters. Trained to simply adapt. I mean, what good is a hunter that can't quickly navigate their surroundings to their advantage in the light and the dark?
The familiar sound of a reinforced string being pulled taught reached my ears. Not bothering to face the direction it came from, I quickly stepped to my side as the whistle of an arrow railed right past me.
"Whoa!" I exclaimed, hearing the resounding pierce from the arrowhead's impact into metal. "C'mon, Erő, ol' buddy, ol' pal. You couldn't have at least given me some sort of a warning?"
Drifting from a shadowy crevice of the atrium, he emerged upon his hind legs, gripping a Hunter's Longbow in his right claw. "Did I hit you?" he asked, feigning concern as a smug smirk lined his beak. "On second thought, I should know better than to ask such a dumb question. If I had, I suppose I wouldn't have anyone to repair my toaster for me. Subconsciously, I guess that's why I missed."
I don't know. I just think you should work on your portrayal of their relationship and give some more subtlety to how you introduce them. Exposition is all fine and dandy for a prologue, but past that, you should probably let your characters speak for themselves. It just lets the story flow better without mucking it up with information we couldn't have acquired any other way than blatantly telling us. That kind of stuff can take a reader right out of the story.
Other than that, you should be golden!
Well, I hoped this helps. Good luck with your next chapter!
4160846 Thankies! Thank you for taking the time to do something like this, mango! I mean, I'm really new to the
shoewriting game and I need all the help that I can get! I appreciate that you would take time to do that!I think it's good so far. The flow is a bit off, but that tends to be common when someone starts a story off.
Oh and word of advice: (and I'm only mentioning this out of spite) Project Horizons was (in my opinion) crap.
I feel Icebox is going to be my favorite character, unless of course she dies. Very good so far. I'll definitely keep reading as you update.
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Unf. Thank you for the support! Glad you enjoyed!
this looks good
I've got a few things I'll nitpick, but right quick:
I am utterly impressed with how much you've seemed to improve since the prologue. The characters seem more endearing than before, the additions of two (now three, I guess) new faces are interesting to an extent, but I'm worried about them just being added as fodder. Jury seems the least fleshed out and interesting by far, so he's a prime candidate at the moment. But rambling is rambling, nitpick time!
First off, as a new writer myself, I still have a similar blaring problem as yours in the respect of describing an environment. The little fight/exchange with Shrapnel had me literally say "where did that hole come from?" The only solution I can give is to visualize the scene in your head and describe the layout accordingly. I wouldn't call this 'foolproof', but it works well enough for me, I hope it can do the same for you.
When it comes to dialogue, uhh... I hope this makes sense; if it ends on a normal sentence (I.e. when completed with a period) and is followed up by a he said/she said, you separate the dialogue from the narration with a comma BEFORE the second quotation mark. For instance, ["Hi," she said.] If it's a question or exclamation, the comma is not needed.
Also, in terms of dialogue, try to set it up so you don't have to use colons or semi-colons. I don't know why that is, but it's a no-no. It's fine in narration.
One thing that always gets to me (weird pet peve in writing) is when people put down the numeric character instead of spelling it out. It's perfectly fine if it happens to be the name of a proper noun (such as Stable 44) but in just about every other instance, it should be spelled out.
As for the pacing, I personally think it moves a bit too fast and we aren't getting to see enough of everyone's point of view.
Characters: I feel like I know Sunny better than the rest of the cast, which is fine, seeing as he is the first-person view of the reader, but Lucky has already shined past your other four simply because she's given a taste of her past, making her my immediate favorite. Her personality seems likable and...she's a sniper. Can't really go wrong with a sniper.
Sunny and Ero's relationship as friends is much more apparent now and their interaction even made me chuckle a bit. Sunny is the 'bro' and Ero is the 'lovable douche'. A potent combination for interesting character interactions to come.
Icebox nearly vomits upon seeing an insect's death, but seems unfazed by the exploding head of a raider (needs more consistency or an explanation telling why one fazes her more than the other). Also, make a mention of the electric prod in chapter two, it caught me off guard when it came out of nowhere. Otherwise, she's... possibly interesting, but she fits in the same category as Jury Rigger due solely to our lack of knowledge on both of them.
One griffon, one earth pony, THREE Unicorns? Species-ist jerk. (Kidding.)
Umm... I would help with typos, but I'm typing this on a phone at the moment and that would be very time consuming. I'll see about that the next time I can get to a computer. Happy writing!