• Published 31st Mar 2014
  • 1,699 Views, 41 Comments

Three Left Turns - SirTruffles



Equestria's last night is nigh. Next evening it will be ash. Twilight slips off with but the past to bargain with. Can she buy a future?

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Three Left Turns

On a night yet to come when the skies were alight and the forests burned, a cloaked pony glided along the straight cobblestone streets where the last stones were upon stones. It kept to the walls and shadows, but otherwise made no sign of stealth. A lavender horn peeking from beneath its cloak was all the identity it had.

The gas-lit side street was like all the others snaking into the Old City: an indecipherable convolution, but the twists were all its own. It turned and doubled back growing darker and narrower until it was indistinguishable from all the other decaying alleys of stone and board. The pony turned left, then left, then left again, but instead of finding herself right, she came to where she wanted to go.

Here, the cobbles drew back. The pony's hooves kissed the earth for the first time since forever. The old firefly lanterns shone properly as though the world had never replaced their gifts. Eternity had dulled the riotous colors of the carnival booths, but the patrons made up the difference.

At least, they had.

But here too, there was a bit of red in the moon. The low hiss of a careless whisper leaked occasionally from guarded circles of cloaked figures. A nigh-indiscernible tremble disturbed the pony’s neck, but that was all.

It weaved through the jumbled sea of booths until it found one with the sooty red and grey stripes of fire-rat wool. A broad biped with calloused black paws peaking from its sooty yellow cloak turned from the sweltering double bellows.

Wordlessly, the pony’s horn shone magenta. A battered suit of armor answered the call, appearing in its own way between them. The ornate barrel was dented from a hundred blows, and a wing guard had snapped in half. Beside it, the pony tossed a heavy bag that clinked when it hit the reckoning board.

The dog teased open the bag, but when it saw the glint of gold, a low growl crept from its throat. It shoved the bag away.

The pony took an uneasy step back. It had been more than sufficient before.

The smith spat. Gold could not block a stick. What good was it now?

The pony stepped from hoof to hoof, then straightened. Its horn glowed, and the coins took on a magenta hue. Perhaps the gratitude of a princess would suffice?

The smith snorted. Everyone knew the gratitude would end tomorrow.

The princess bared her teeth. Smoke billowed from beneath her hood. Not if the enemy bought from this rust-hole! What smith did not care for their own work?

The sneer faded from the smith’s muzzle. It pointed behind to embossed swords chipped with use, stove-in mithril plate set with gems, and bent horseshoes of purest adamantium all in a heap. Sometimes even a master could not care for all of it. The smith gave the armor a few hard knocks, pressed a wax proof onto it, and turned back to the bellows.

The princess stared open-mouthed at the seal of service. Her hood slipped lower over her eyes. She clenched her teeth. The armor vanished from the stall, and she with it.


Your wedding night for wards of protection in bulk. A sturdy right hoof for high-spark dragon loogies. When had prices grown so cruel for so little? When had the laughter left the stalls?

The breezies were out of ward gossamer. No, an emerald would not change that. A library seed? Hmm… let them look in the back. Four corns. Two? Try three: it must be lucky, yes? Pleasure doing business with her.

So it went. Magic’s foaling teeth for a single banshee shriek. Carefully aged dragon’s molt bought a minute of searing sand. The dead and gone was traded for the lives of her foes, but not nearly enough.

The princess pushed past a chimera offering its garter snake tail for a fourth-hand beaver. The head vendor hydra mentioned there might not be a tooth or claw on the shelves tonight, but it could certainly give her trade credit for her horn.

She found herself considering the offer for more than a second. Her stomach squirmed more than it was already. No… thank you.

Half a saddlebag of life. Before there had been two. Not enough, not nearly enough. Only one place left to go.

There was a line at the pawnbroker’s oaken stagecoach: unicorn, zebra, goat, and stag, others besides, all cloaked. No pushing. No cutting. That means you.

The princess waited.

Murmuring here and there.

The moon drifted overhead.

She tried not to think of tomorrow.

There was a crow at the pawnbroker’s booth. The eyes stared blankly from behind its silvery spectacles. It blinked so quickly it might not have after all.

She had time. She needed spells.

What kind?

Her people were going to see the day after tomorrow.

The crow’s eyes opened before they were closed.

There were some who would see the day after. What would she offer them instead?

The princess’s cloak shifted uncomfortably at her ears. Blissful sunsets. The summer’s heat.

The crow stared.

A walk in the square of a little town who loves you. A whole parade!

The crow stared.

The birth of your first foal-

A sharp caw. Too personal, that one. Quite worthless. Anything else?

The princess slumped to her haunches. Rancorous parties. The company of friends long gone.

Was that all?

Tears fell from beneath the cloak. What else was there?

Ten thousand spells to see tomorrow night. Eight thousand thirty-five showing.

Silence.

The line grew restless.

A irate caw. Hurry it up.

W-was there any to borrow?

A huge spread wing silenced the line. Given the circumstances, there was the issue of collateral.

A trembling hoof drew out a golden tiara with an amethyst star at the crest.

Where was the set?

The princess’s hoof trembled. The useless crown went back beneath her cloak. It would have to be the usual.

The crow nodded and produced a cruel steel file. It was tarnished with age but somehow not rusted. The princess floated it to her horn.

Rasp. Rasp. Rasp. She trembled with each stroke. Dust piled on the table. At last, the file clunked in front of the crow.

The princess’s horn lit, not with its usual magenta, but with a pure, silvery light. The light flowed up along the flute of her horn, gathering at the tip. A drop collected. It wobbled, then fell down, down, down, into the dust. The two flowed together, settling into a six pointed star.

The silvery light faded. There was a touch of grey around the princess’s fetlocks, but no one paid it notice.

The crow studied the star intently. Nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-seven spells showing. Ten thousand spells to see the day after.

The princess reared in alarm. It had promised ten thousand.

That was not what was showing.

But it would not be enough.

Had she anything else?

All eyes were on the princess. She fiddled with the crown.

With apologies, they did not accept sentiments.

N-no. She did not believe she had anything else.

Then the outcome would depend on the user. If she had no further business, she might kindly step along. It was a busy night, after all.

A nexus of power floated before her horn. A thousand warm memories floated before her eyes, as did a million faces burning, screaming, falling apart. She nibbled her lip. Her horn touched the nexus.


Shuffling hooves and swishing cloaks were all that reached the princess’s ears. Step. Step. Step. She paid no heed to where she was going. The fires of tomorrow danced before her eyes. Behind her now were relentless days of toil and study: a thousand mistakes and a thousand corrections without end. There were lessons there, too, but for the life of her she could not remember them yet. Not that they would be enough.

She ground her teeth. Her breaths came fast and shallow. Three spells. Where could she get three spells? The booths passed her by all the same. Booths had their price, and she had nothing to pay.

The roads guided her along as roads are wont to do. The cheery aged colors gave way to duller shades. The crowds thinned. Stark gas lanterns replaced the cheery glow of the fireflies.

It was the oppressive silence that brought the princess to her senses. That and the realization that wherever she was, the moon and the stars did not shine. The sky here had no place for them.

Could she be helped with something? The call was genial, but hollow: the speaker was not in the words.

The princess turned to find a crate and a man. The crate was splintery. The man was spidery. He wore a patched brown waistcoat, topless top hat, and no face. A harsh lantern to either side bathed the two in unrelenting flashpowder light.

She could not pay.

He doubted that. What was her trouble?

The princess blinked. What was it to him?

An opportunity. Nothing more. Provided she would care to offer it.

The princess looked about at the deserted lot. She drew closer. Behind the crate were pictures gossamer thin, yet vibrant: apples, gems, lightning, balloons, butterflies, and countless others besides, all in pairs. Some were in good repair, others scavenged or third-hand.

Her hooves slowed of their own accord, but in the end she sat before the crate.

She was anxious.

Many were in these trying times.

She was not good enough.

That was unfortunate.

She was going to get them all vanquished in fire.

He believed he found her problem.

The princess wished to know what it was.

She had spoken it thrice before: she was the problem.

She? But how could the princess be the problem?

It was none of his business. He had noticed a pattern. Nothing more. A pattern he had seen before. A pattern that was his business.

But he had said-

That was none of her business.

She shifted from hoof to hoof. What did he suggest?

That she paid the price which troubled her.

What did he mean?

Nothing was said, but she felt the eyes that were not there fall to her hips.

She stepped back. She did not understand.

Sometimes creatures no longer belong. They pay the price. They move along.

For what benefit? Could he spare three spells?

The benefit was the price.

The light was stark, the square still. The princess’s eyes roved from mark to mark. A sharp breath: two suns; two moons in an inky sky.

He did not have all day.

She studied the crate. She was engrossed in the crate. Her mouth opened, then shut, then opened again.


At the edge of the tents just before here became there, there was a little pushcart. The handle was pretty pink. The cart was buttery yellow. Behind it, a big brown bear with a beanie cap polished a porcelain teacup with the corner of its apron.

All around, cloaked figures flitted past. There were fewer now that the moon was low and angry red. The fireflies were going out. Whispers grew faint. It should pack up soon: it was what the house-sitter would have wanted.

As it returned the last teacup to the cupboard, the shop minder noticed a figure at the counter. A lavender horn poked from beneath her cloak. A bit clinked.

The minder looked at the bit in confusion, then slowly pushed it back. The figure stared at the returned bit, stock still. Its head drifted up, and as it did, its hood fell back. The friend stared, sad and empty.

A paw brushed the sign: Comfort for comfort, no more, no less, if that’s ok with you.

It set a teacup beneath her snout and waited.

Empty eyes stared through the cup, then helplessly up at the bear: ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Nothing could be seen in the cup, but it was not quite so empty anymore.

The minder’s big squashed tomato nose wrinkled at the bitter draft. It quickly righted itself: comfort came in many forms, after all. It collected the cup and ladled in some moon’s tears to steep.

The friend’s eyes fell back to the swirling grains of the wood. A breeze tussled the little propeller cap. Round and round it went. The moon’s tears grew pearly grey in the cup.

At last, tendrils of mood danced from the surface in the mind’s eye. The minder went to set it before the friend, but paused. A glint of blue had caught its eye. With a swish, an aged blue doily with blue diamond sequins was on the counter, the cup on top. A little something extra, as the house-sitter would have liked it.

The friend’s eyes settled on the diamonds. Something stirred behind them, but that price had been paid. She could not recall much finery before. It was… generous. Thank you.

The shop minder bowed.

Her lips settled on the cup, and she tipped it back gently. The trembling she had not noticed in her hooves stilled, but there was nothing to fill the emptiness in her eyes.

Another sip. The friend was a statue. The shop minder grew nervous. It knew what was sold for what price. Had it allowed a customer to underpay?

It rummaged through the cupboard beneath the counter. This was not what the house-sitter wished. The difference must be made up.

But the night was late: the milk bottle was dry, the sugar bowl empty. There was nothing to fill those pitiful eyes. Nothing except…

The bear felt around in the pocket of the apron. One tiny flask. One last drop of honey for one new shop minder long since aged. No strings. No duties.

The cup was half-empty now. The eyes were no more full. Bashfulness played with the minder’s ears. Its heart ached, but its tongue thirsted.

One drop of honey from days long gone fell into the pearly tears.

The friend sipped. The cup clinked. She stared up at the minder: distant, not empty, or not quite, at least. Not anymore.

The propeller spun. She smiled, but did not quite know what to do from there. That price had been paid.

Thank you, and... thank you again.

The shop minder bowed.

Fireflies on the counter were all that lit the scene. Her ear twitched in the silence. Perhaps she should move along.

The hood flopped back over her head. Hoof-falls, uncertain at first. Then a breath. Then they faded away towards the fiery dawn.

A last cup clinked on the pile. The stars were gone. Mars was in the moon. No one knew tomorrow.

Comments ( 41 )

Really liked the way this story was written. Here's my review on it here-----> Link to Review Hope you like it. :scootangel:

4174198
Oh, wow! Didn't expect a review. Thank you very much, I'll check it out :pinkiehappy:

4174240 You're very welcome. :twilightsmile: Great writing, great writing indeed.

..Thank you. Words cannot express what I experienced upon reading this, only that you have my gratitude for sharing it. Have you ever considered submitting to EQD?

4178119
I'm 24 words short of their 2.5k submission requirement, I'm afraid, and I made every word count. I might submit it anyway at some point. We'll just have to see.

Either way, I'm glad you enjoyed it so much. Thanks a bunch for your comment!

4178735 Dang. Well, I hope you do sometime.:pinkiesmile:

decaying allies

alleys

Pretty good one shot.

4213230
Glad you liked it!

4212199
:facehoof:

Thanks for that. Fixed now. :twilightblush:

I'm actually wondering what the heck I just read.
But in a very good way. Oh, such a different writing style.
I'm sure there are many points to this story, fewer that I would have understood than you may like, but your excellent word use was enough to keep me engaged.
I haven't seen anyone else write quite like that before.

Here, have a thumb. And a Twi. :twilightsmile:

4235072
Thank you very much :twilightsmile:

Was tidying this story up for EqD and decided with the new description and all, it should probably be Dark rather than Slice of Life. It was difficult for me to get my head around how to label it at the time of writing because I wrote it more as an experience, and adding any tags at all felt like I was telling the reader how to feel about it rather than letting it stand on its own. However, reading it again, I see now that it definitely falls under the Dark tag, so I'm tagging it as it should have been in the first place.

I'm going through groups right now to sort out the new folder situation, but if I miss one in your group, feel free to shoot me a PM.

I would tell you to write more, but then one of the stories would be put to shame by the other. If you could write anything of even half of this standard again, it would be better than most of the stories on this site. It would not, however, be acceptable. I have read this and nothing can be as well-written and immersive as this. This is the kind of story that keeps me reading. Well done.

Note: I've been thinking of getting some practise with reviewing, similar to Fantasia, for the Pleasant Commentator and Review Group (Dark stories, of course), and this is the kind of story for which I'd be doing the reviewing. Stories like this make me want to do it, male me want to sift through the less than good stories. I might try reviewing this at some point, just to see if I can. Thank you. This has inspired me, made me consider this again. You're a good person.

4348644
I agree with this fine gentleman's sediments. :moustache:

4348644 4348712
Aww, thanks guys. Glad you liked it :twilightblush:

Comment posted by Superluminous deleted May 7th, 2014

A goblin market at the end of the world...

A wonderful tale of desperation and the cost of miracles. Thank you for it. :twilightsmile:

4642975
Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the comment :pinkiehappy:

That was... That was... Weird. I'm not entirely sure what I just read, but I do know that I liked it.

I should probably reread this when it's not 1 AM.

4858273
Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the fav :raritywink:

Little help? What happened in this story?

4916219
To be honest, the intention was to give the reader something they could put together however they thought the pieces fit best. It is a fairy tale written for impression rather than internal logic. That being said, I tried to keep to what felt logical while I was writing, so there should still be some sense hidden in there.

The most concrete thing I can give you is a summery of events with whatever explanation I can remember giving myself while I was writing it. If you're confused about anything else, you'll have to ask about it specifically -- after some of these comments, I no longer have any clear idea what I ended up communicating.

In any case, here is what I know:
We open on a war-torn Equestria. The apocalypse is tomorrow. Princess Twilight covertly travels to a magical Bazaar, likely outside of world or time. Others have come to the Bazaar as well, all seeking arms for the coming... trial? Battle? Not quite sure on that bit. The sky is on fire, and they're buying weapons, so there's that.

Twilight goes to have her armor repaired. The smith is too busy with his other orders, and common wisdom seems to indicate that Equestria is doomed, so her command has no weight. She tries to pay him in gold, but gold is worthless -- the metal itself is too soft to be of use in the battle, and apparently no one has expectations of later trade. He puts his stamp on her armor to say "It's good enough, now go away."

With no other options, Twilight goes off into the rest of the Bazaar, trading away a large quantity of personally meaningful items for... spell components? Magical ammunition? I am not quite sure, but the items purchased sound dangerous. In any case, she does not trade for nearly enough.

Out of options, Twilight turns to a spell pawnbroker -- the crow. She exchanges her memories of happier times for spells, which came from those who had great power but wanted to trade it for happier memories they wished they had pursued instead. Even this is not enough. She must incur spelldebt. The issue of collateral is raised. Twi tries to offer her Element of Magic, but since she does not have the set, it is worthless. She must put up part of her life force mixed with horn dust for the magic she needs to save her people.

She did not have enough life to spare. She is three spells short (though in hindsight, part of me would have preferred four), and is all out of things to trade. I assume to give up her previous purchases would set her back more than the spells they could be traded for, or perhaps magical items are not this pawnbroker's specialty. It is never addressed. She receives the spells she paid for by being granted the memories and abilities she would have had if she had devoted those happy times to study. She goes off to get three more spells.

Nothing turns up. Twilight drifts to an unvisited part of the Bazaar where she meets a spidery man. He deals in cutie marks. He notices she is greatly troubled and offers to see if he can help her. She confides in him that she fears she is not enough to save her people. He suggests that if she is not enough, then she could solve the problem by giving up her very self. Cutie marks are forever, after all, but the world is always changing and sometimes things no longer have a place. Even Celestia and Luna have moved on. Twilight makes her choice.

Sometime later, the Bazaar is closing. An empty Twilight drifts by Henry the Bear's tea cart, which he seems to be minding for a (permanently?) absent Fluttershy. Twilight tries to pay with bits, but Henry's stall does not work like that. The client gives him comfort, and he brews tea with it. Bits are irrelevant. Twilight offers the comfort: "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust." Henry quietly brews tea.

The tea is served on a doily Henry did not have to offer. Twilight thanks him for his generosity. Henry realizes that Twilight is not comforted by her tea -- her comfort paid was too bitter to help. His loyalty to Fluttershy drives him to make up the difference, though he does not have to. Henry's only means to make it up is the kindness he had been given in the form of an ancient vial of honey of some personal meaning. He is tempted to keep it for himself, but he chooses to give it up for a friend. Twilight sips her sweetened tea. A memory surfaces, but it is no longer hers to remember. Still, she finds more comfort than she had before. She thanks him a second and third time and leaves for tomorrow without having found three spells to purchase.

Henry is the last merchant to close up. Darkness falls on the scene. It is for the reader to decide what might happen tomorrow. The only certainty is that the moon tells of war.

Apart from that emphasized events, I find it more fun and profitable to let the reader piece together the hows and wherefores as things interest them. Even the explanations I have offered above are only my thoughts. If I examine them closely, I usually find they do not fit together quite as well as I had intended, but there could perhaps be better explanations than mine out there.

My goal in writing was merely to put some fanciful elements together with a well developed voice and strong series of events to connect them, and then enjoy the resultant ride. The reader may get out of it as much as they are willing to put into it. At the very least, I seem to have convinced a few readers it is worthy of further thought, and I am happy for every discovery they make. I'm even happier when they share them with me, because it is always a pleasure to discover all the fascinating connections I apparently intended all along :trollestia::yay:

I hope that clears a few things up for you. In any case, it is an honor to have my months-old story on your radar. Thank you for reading and commenting.

4916572 I got much of that, though there were certain bits I couldn't puzzle out.

Princess Twilight covertly travels to a magical Bazaar, likely outside of world or time.

I never imagined it was outside world or time--I assumed this was simply the distant future.

Twilight goes to have her armor repaired.

That was one--I couldn't work out for sure whether she'd brought it there, or was trying to buy it, or something else entirely was happening.

She tries to pay him in gold, but gold is worthless

I had guessed that only Equestrian bits were worthless.

She receives the spells she paid for by being granted the memories and abilities she would have had if she had devoted those happy times to study.

I see the phrase that was meant to indicate this, but I studied it while reading without being able to decipher it.

Twilight offers the comfort: "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."

Twilight didn't say, or think, that. The narrator did. Perhaps if it had been in italics I could have attributed it to her.

4924063

I see the phrase that was meant to indicate this, but I studied it while reading without being able to decipher it.

I suppose quite a bit of the story is like that. It is what I get for writing everything spur of the moment and being too excited to get a pre-reader before publishing. Lessons were learned.

Twilight didn't say, or think, that. The narrator did. Perhaps if it had been in italics I could have attributed it to her.

The narrator told the gist of what had been said, in line with the previous conversations. I was relying on the specificity and position of the phrase relative to the mention that something that had "filled" the cup to convey the direct quote where the style would not allow formatting. Granted, given its placement in the middle of the sentence and that all the other "speaking" is on its own line, I can see how it was out of left field.

I am curious as to how you ended up interpreting that phrase: what was the cause of the cup becoming "not so empty anymore" or the sense in saying Twilight had underpaid if that phrase was not hers and nothing else had happened?

4925014

I am curious as to how you ended up interpreting that phrase: what was the cause of the cup becoming "not so empty anymore" or the sense in saying Twilight had underpaid if that phrase was not hers and nothing else had happened?

I don't remember now, but this isn't the kind of story where you can stop and try to interpret everything. The overall impact of the scene with the bear was very good: one small act of kindness on the eve of the apocalypse.

Hap

This reminds me of some of the more experimental scifi that you can find in anthologies from the 60s. In that, I have no idea what's going on, even after reading the summary, but it made me feel worse having read it. I suppose that is better than reading a story and feeling nothing?

The impression I got was that there was a world-ending apocalypse, something that would end time itself. Therefore, a time-travel bazaar located outside of time itself was doing brisk trade, sending ponies back in time to re-live happy moments, or trading those happy moments to others for... some unspecified benefit?

I thought that each of the girls had been turned to objects: Fluttershy the cart, Rarity the diamond doily. Because they had each given up their cutie marks, they were no longer ponies, though Fluttershy's bear friend was still caring for her and for Rarity. I read it again, looking for the other ponies mentioned in the cutie mark interlude, to no avail.

In the end, I got the impression that the more ponies dealt in memory trade, the more inevitable the end became, and it was each ponies' selfishness that made the end unavoidable. The bear's generosity at the end was a stark contrast with the selfishness that was destroying the world (and had already claimed the mane six and the diarchs), even though it wasn't enough to do anything but offer some vague almost-comfort to a pony who vainly gave up everything that meant anything to her.

4983729

This reminds me of some of the more experimental scifi that you can find in anthologies from the 60s. In that, I have no idea what's going on, even after reading the summary, but it made me feel worse having read it.

But you did not have to endure the requisite three pages of the latest ten syllable words from "modern" physics and their alleged consequences mapped out for the next several generations and five parallel universes etc. etc. Therein lies the improvement :trollestia:

or trading those happy moments to others for... some unspecified benefit?

Perhaps trading past happiness for current hope? The apocalypse is not certain until the hour comes, after all. From the standpoint of the desperate night before, anything could happen if only the power could be found.

In the end, I got the impression that the more ponies dealt in memory trade, the more inevitable the end became, and it was each ponies' selfishness that made the end unavoidable. The bear's generosity at the end was a stark contrast with the selfishness that was destroying the world (and had already claimed the mane six and the diarchs), even though it wasn't enough to do anything but offer some vague almost-comfort to a pony who vainly gave up everything that meant anything to her.

I find myself more hopeful when I read the ending. Three spells were needed. Twi finds herself given three helps, however small, with three thank yous. Perhaps these gifts are spells enough to win a new tomorrow? Granted, it cannot be anything but a new beginning: the entirety of the past has already been paid for the little hope there is. Yet it is a hope, and that was how it all started in the first place.

Granted, your take certainly has its merits. I had not considered the memory business might tie back to the end of the world, but it does make sense that memories could be pursued beyond reason or price and the consequences could certainly be colossal. I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts.

Hap

4984500 I find there to be no hope, if all memory of why you'd want a future are lost. If she can't remember her best friends, or any happy times, then even if she "wins," she's still lost everything.

4986649
Though the personal cost is still very, very steep, I do not think she will have lost everything. Twilight may have traded her memories away, but we do not know if everyone else did the same. At the very least, if she is so insistent upon saving her people, she will have them if her side is victorious, and you do not necessarily need memories to make a new life that is worth living. Her subjects might even be able to share their own memories of her friends to replace what she gave up, though it would still be second hand memories.

There might be a sequel idea here, actually...

4989198

I feel I should encourage that. The premise begs the question of 'What?'

'What was going to prevent tomorrow from coming?'
'What was done in the attempts to stop it before now?'
And finally the most important one; 'What will happen now?'

5556906
Perhaps I will have to revisit this one at some point then.

Also, thank you for the like, fav, and comment.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Excellently done. :D

8553523
Wait, I wrote stories at one point? Huh, so I did.

In any case, glad you enjoyed it!

Hmmm, my gut tells me to be in awe, and I will certainly follow that. My mind requires to read it all again in a calm setting and to dissect it sentence by sentence. I'm looking forward to do just that.

Thank you for this story.

8554532
And thank you for reading it :pinkiehappy:

This was an example of excellently done impressionism, but I'm left feeling somewhat ambivalent about it because apart from "Bad thing is probably going to happen and Twilight needs to sell off every bit of herself to stop it" most of the substantive detail needs to be projected onto the story by the reader. I guess that's fine, but it's not the kind of thing I really prefer, at least to this extreme. ... It kind of ties in to how it was originally tagged SoL, I think. I guess since it basically ends in failure, the surrounding detail matters less. On the plus side, I think it's an example of getting a lot of mileage out of tropes/ideas readers are expected to bring in and, in this case, using the medium of fanfiction to get more than would be possible from a generic fantasy setting.

Okay, I liked how this entire story was told without the use of specific names or character dialogue. I appreciate the effort that went into it. But, I have a few questions.

On a night yet to come when the skies were alight and the forests burned, a cloaked pony glided along the straight cobblestone streets where the last stones were upon stones.

Stones were upon stones? What in the blazing Tartarus does that mean? I have tried and failed to think of any meaning. Foundation stones? Archway keystones? Neither sound correct, and thus I have to ponder.
That entire scene with the crow. What was THAT? I could barely make any sense of it. Words were written, true; but what use are words when meaning is unseen?
By the end, I can get the gist of this story. Princess Twilight Sparkle is alone. Something apocalyptic is to happen soon, and she's trying to stop it by reversing time or some other form of magical bargaining so she can, at the very least, spend the final hours with her friends. But there are too many unknowns here. It feels like I need to read supplemental material in order to fully understand this, and, in my own opinion, that's never a good thing. Not everyone will be interested enough to seek out the rest of the tale, so this part needs to impart enough for people to fully understand without needing more information.

In all, this was a good effort that fell flat. I honestly can't say anything more without being redundant. Other than, I read the description and thought this would be Twilight directly bargaining with someone to stave off their plans of Armageddon with tales of "how the world is worth it if you give it a chance" or something. So it's a little misleading. Though I'm glad to have experienced this anyway. It at least gave me knowledge of a tool to use in my own writings.

Fox

I'm marvelled by how something so nearly indecipherable could evoke these feelings, as though the heart understands prose the mind does not.

From a critical standpoint, the vagueness and simplicity really don't help the story at all - it borders on clichéed with its plot points, and there's nothing that happens in it that could really be called unique. On top of that, it's all so purple that it's almost hard to read.. but it's not. Somehow, it goes down smoothly and conveys something so efficiently that I'm not sure what to make of it. I hate it, but love it? How does this work?

Apis #41 · Dec 14th, 2017 · · 2 ·

Looking through the comments I've already noticed many people had trouble deciphering what you were trying to say, which shows that your attempt to sound sophisticated, though good, turned out pretentious and hard to understand. The story's vagueness doesn't build any tension, you seem too afraid to be concrete and tell something directly, and in place of concrete examples, you place down all this abstract language that overall confuses people on what a phrase or sentence means. As you yourself have said, you could not tell what people got out of your story because your abstractness gave a less than general idea of what's going on. The idea is not to be wordy or mysterious, but rather to be concise, and what I can suggest is to ask yourself this question: How can I shorten this to still sound nice and be concise at the same time? This story's pretty old by now, so it's possible you've changed in the gradual time.

Eh, just my thoughts.

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