Note: This story has been cancelled. There are plans in place to post an improved and revised version in the future.
Shortly after Queen Chrysalis and her hive failed to overtake Canterlot, Princess Celestia received a request from another hive to meet for peace talks. Having always been one to prefer harmony and peace over war and strife, Princess Celestia accepted the request right away. She prepared everything to be ready to accept the king that was going to be visiting.
Celestia brought in Shining Armor and Princess Cadence to assist her in making her decisions. She had warned her sister, and both the Day and Night Guard. She had even made sure to put the changeling drone they'd found infiltrating her guards in the dungeon, just to make sure that Chrysalis' hive had been taken care of.
She had not planned for her guest to arrive and tell her that said changeling belonged to his hive.
Princess Celestia could only hope that the peace talks won't be cancelled as a result.
(Warning: CelestiaxOC in the future, hence the romance tag.)
(Rating for language. Character tags will be added as they are introduced.)
(Proofread and edited by DarkPhoenix.)
Aw yeah! This is gonna be good.
It's a good start, but King Phoenix doesn't seem lazy at all this chapter. If he was truly lazy, he'd send someone else to do his work instead of going himself.
Interesting start.
Think I'll admit I agree with 4158863 though, but since it's so early in the story I'll just take for granted it will be explained.
Mmmmh, I think this opening chapter needs something more. The title doesn't fit, as he seems very pro-active and forthcoming about himself. Its the job of the first chapter to set down the mood, tone, and goal of the story. Unless Mirror Vanity is going to be the entire point of the story, I dunno that this chapter effectively told us the readers what we're getting into.
I am interested, yet
? Doesn't seem to fit. I also agree with Aegis Shield, but I will wait and see if the title will be explained later on.
woot update
as for the story....yes I like it, it has a good flow if you will
I look forward to the next chapter
4424011 Exactly what I had in mind. I look forward to the next Chapter, too.
OH COME ON! don't stop there....it was getting so good and I have waited for so long.....
4424316
comrade
4424447 COMRADE PARTY!!!
4424456
feel so loved
let us all party and drink till we cant feel feelings
Pretty darn good. Please update ASAP!
I find myself questioning the relationship between the King and his subordinates. I hope the reasoning behind the behaviour is shown soon.
Finally an update! What took so long?
Interesting. I've added this to my list of read later stories.
i can totally see the guards celestia posts plus the guards already there sitting down a playing a game of poker after every one is asleep
4858252 314. I'm a little conservative there, I guess.
4858054
Large amounts of respect. And knowing when he speaks as King and when as Phoenix. I was on an 82 foot USCG cutter. There was no doubt who was in charge, on the other hand we broke the old mans collarbone in a game of touch football on the base one afternoon. On duty, aye,aye sir, in the game, flatten him.
4858297 Alright, well, thanks for the watch! (Posted this here because I couldn't find the bar to do so on your user page.)
UPDATE! UPDATE! Thats a update!
Awesome job with this chapter. Had a good laughing. Please, continue.
..I'm half waiting for the most lazy amongst the guards (Whom is secretly a complete badass at his job) to be from his hive.
...It would work..
..I also hope he has a western accent.
Great chapter. Will we be seeing the Mane six getting involved in the peace talks?
YES! NEW CHAPTER!
AND FIRST COMMENT!
Cool new chapter!!!!
woot update and king changy is cool
4158863
No, he is lazy. If he wasn't he wouldn't be making sure it gone done right the first time. If it is done wrong over and over, then you have to do more work!
I found this by chance, looks good so far! I'm reading on!
All right, I'm all caught up and I do like this King's attitude; so easygoing about most of things.
4160751 OH MY GOD, your profile picture is still hilarios.
5709153
Thank you!
When you continue?
"Not sure, but I think you mean the word "wherein" here. That seems to fit better, than the phrase "where in."
Perhaps add in something like a subtle twitching of Shining's ear or eye. Just a small tell to show that while he appears calm, he's really not.
sister-in-law
What do you think? Add in a little jab at Luna, something about how he's only slightly older than her, or something like that.
I'd suggest adding in something like how she was looking into his eyes, looking for signs of deception or falsehood.
As it's been so long, I suggest adding a line like "I accept your invitation to visit your hive." Just a reminder to the readers what's going on.
Well, that's a vague answer.
I'd suggest something more here. A facial expression that suggests she doesn't trust Phoenix. Or perhaps incredulity at Celestia for agreeing to go with a changeling to their very home.
Did you mean to repeat this? And if you did, there needs to be a comma separating them.
Alright, here's what I suggest for this part: "oath.... You die." An ellipses, a period, then a new sentence. Why? Because those last two words are really the crux of this whole thing, and they deserve all the impact we can give them.
So the canon spelling of her name is "Cadance" as in Can Dance. It's not Cadence, like the musical term.
Meh, I suggest something like: "I might as well get through all of my appointments today as quickly as possible. Better to be ready by noon for a trip." Or something along those lines.
For maximum comedy, I'd suggest adding in a line from Shining or Cadence about how: "But, you don't have a foalsitter."
If you go with the above comment, then you can remove this line. Plus, it goes with more show, than tell.
Deep inside each other. Luna seemed to really enjoy Phoenix's dick, as she was moaning quite loudly.
Eh, suggest changing this. "while Shining and Cadance, and Mirror and Steelfury, were ignoring each other." I'd make mention of who the couples are.
Those two are attracted to each other.
I feel like Celestia would be more formal here. Something like: "Yes, we shall." She's not entirely comfortable with Phoenix yet, so her defenses are still up."
teh fuck is that dosent make anysense
I believe you left in editor notes at the end.
Good chaptet. I hope the next one will be faster.
YES! UPDATE! FINALLY!
Does that answer your question?
And great (but short) chapter. I really enjoy your story and how King Phoenix interacts with the Princesses. I really look forward when they get to Ponyville where Pinkie Pie already waits with the Cupcakes for King Phoenix
I salute this update!
outside of editiors notes
is that a new word :D?
My main problem with this story, aside from quite a bit of exposition, has to be the way you present Shining Armor and Cadence seemingly as its designated antagonists.
I've never liked how these two characters are portrayed at their worst in changeling stories. Make no mistake, I understand the intended motivation behind them here and in other stories, that being the pain of their wedding and the invasion almost always being cited. And sure, that can be a great means of drama and character development, but the key is execution. Like in some other stories, it feels like just an excuse to have them antagonize your protagonist and instigate conflict.
And I hope I'm not misunderstood here. Of course I understand and accept that they're not going to particularly like changelings after the wedding. But the Shining and Cadence from the show just don't come across to me as overly paranoid and hateful as a lot of fics have them act in order to promote their designated protagonist. Shouty, pugnacious ponies trying to antagonize the often calm and polite changeling OCs feel far too common in these stories.
Only if you're an idiot. That test only proved two things; Mirror is innocent of kidnapping, and Steelfury is guilty of treason... what? That's what it is called when you knowingly aid and abet a foreign national committing acts of espionage against your homeland.
Crimes Mirror has been proven guilty of:
Forging legal documents.
Lying on official documents about her race, nationality, and citizenship in order to join the equivalent of the secret service thereby gaining access to classified state secrets and the persons of heads of state while still being in contact with her home government.
...
Yep, no matter how you slice it she is still guilty of the more serious charges. And so is he apparently.
6052702 Not to mention Cadence has been having major mood whiplash since the 'test of innocence that didn't actually prove innocence but hey like my protagonist anyway'.
Hostile->'Oh guess they were telling the truth, daww'->overly hostile->voice of reason->super hostile.
6052702 Exactly the way I feel. You summed my thoughts up quite nicely. I'm still liking this story quite a bit, though.
6052702
Its a sad truth, but I agree. I am hoping it changes later on, but the amount of changeling stories that have that type of adaptation are few and far between. Another thing that's bugging me is that the Ginger King seems to have everybody in the palm of his hand. From his initial introduction to present everything has been going his way. I'm not saying that Cadence and Shining need to do something drastic...but the King needs to make some type of mistake, or have a fault of some sort. He seems too...perfect.
YEEEEEAAAAAAWWWWW, I AM FIRST TO COMMENT! This made King Phoenix seem as trustworthy to me.
How could he tell?
that's one way to find out lol
This is where you had me. Finally another Celly-OC shipfic. We need more of them.
Yeah, the protagonist is still a massive Gary Stu and he's still surrounded by caricatures instead of characters. The internal consistency is also quite poor.
6743965 True...Too many Tyrantlestia and so little good ol Tia.
Mm, not the worst start I've seen but I don't think I enjoy him demanding the release of his changeling. You don't infiltrate the ranks of an enemy you're attempting peace talks with and then make demands when they get caught. That would be a serious bargaining chip in Celestia's favor.