It was chaos.
Smoke still billowed up from the grove, twisting into impossible shapes as it filtered through the treetops. Pockets of Hellfire still refused to be extinguished, even as more and more water was conjured to quench them. And the screams, the air was full of the sounds of screaming ponies; screams of pain, screams of mourning, screams of panic; they all blended together and made it impossible to tell where one began and the other ended.
Bonbon was no stranger to screams. They were usually what she ran toward when the time came to serve Celestia, but that didn't make them any easier to hear when there was nothing she could do about them.
It was all she could do to keep running past the screams, past the ponies that needed help. There were healers working already; they would have to do until she could take care of the major concern.
“Rose!” she called out, sliding to a stop as she reached the loose and charred dirt of their battlefield. “We have a problem!”
“We have a lot of them,” Rose snapped back, magically forcing some of the displaced rocks back into the ground. “We still don't even know how much damage was done and how many–”
“That Rock Steady guy is dead,” Bonbon interrupted. “And I don't even know what happened to Lyra! I can't find her anywhere!”
“What?” Roseluck rounded on Bonbon, grabbing the paladin's face between her hooves. “Tell me this is some sick joke!”
Bonbon pulled herself out of Rose's grip, pushing the druid back a bit. “I don't have time for jokes, especially not ones like that. Now, come on if we hurry, we might be able to–”
“Archdruid!” Another pony galloped up, his cloak flapping around wildly and still smoldering from the effects of the battle. “Rock Steady! He's... he's dead!”
“–avoid that...” Bonbon couldn't help but grit her teeth in frustration as she watched things start to fall apart in short order.
“-that bastard necromancer-”
“-should have never left him alone with her-”
“She planned this-”
“-find her and kill-”
“You will do no such thing!” Bonbon's voice carried over the budding mob the druids were forming. “I am warden to Lyra Heartstrings, and her fate is for me to–”
Druidic words were shouted out and sharpened rocks whizzed by her face and struck her armor painfully.
“Your goddess is meaningless, Paladin,” sneered the druid that had attacked her. “We of Epona know the natural order, and that useless alicorn will not–”
Bonbon didn't let him finish before one of her armor-clad hooves connected with his face. “Attacking one of the Order is grounds enough to let us fight back,” she coldly explained as the druid staggered back in pain. “As I was saying–”
More words were shouted, from multiple ponies this time, as ice shards and whips of water assailed Bonbon. Her hooves reached both for her hammer and her pendant, but she suddenly felt the ground beneath her give way and a pair of hooves grasp her about the midsection as she fell into the earth.
Bonbon gasped as she finally saw light again, several moments having passed. She was ejected from the ground with enough force that she actually bounced as she landed, knocking the breath from her. As she wheezed and gasped, her hammer hit the dirt a few feet away, and she heard a set of hooves behind her.
“Sorry,” came Rose's voice. “I had to get you out of there before–”
Rose didn’t get to finish; Bonbon managed to surge to her hooves at last and drove her head into Rose's chest, knocking her back several paces with a pained gasp. “This is your fault!” Bonbon's shout sent birds flying from the nearby trees in a minor panic. Her vision blurred as her frustration boiled over at long last. “You let her get taken! You and your damned flowers!” She reared back to strike at Rose, but a quick word from her and the ground shifted, knocking Bonbon off balance.
“And what were my options?” the druid snapped back. “Lie to my people? Let a blighter roam free when the only ones who had the resources to deal with her were left in the dark? I had to call in every favor I was owed not to have them kill Lyra outright!”
“You should have told them–”
“What? That she wasn't a threat? That she's one of the good guys?” Now it was Rose who looked ready to attack. “Do you have any idea what blighter magic is, Bonbon? It's Necromancy, mixed with the Druidic Arts; it's a perversion of everything we do and everything Epona has taught us! It doesn't matter that I know Lyra's a good pony, they're not going to believe me!
“More to the point!” Rose continued as Bonbon finally got to her hooves and reached for her hammer. “Every moment we spend here arguing and blaming each other is another moment that Lyra spends ponynapped!”
Bonbon stopped, her face contorting between so many emotions as a few tears leaked out of her eyes. “...you're right,” she finally admitted. “Finding Lyra is the priority right now. If we hurry, we might be able to–”
“I can't come with you.”
Bonbon froze, her anger rising once more. “Why not?” she snapped.
“Because I have to go back and make sure that the grove isn't going to start a war or something now!” Rose groaned, rubbing her head. “Rock Steady might have been an ass to you and me, but he was pretty popular back in the grove. Now that he's dead, and because of that fight, everypony is going to be clamoring for retribution.”
“And you call where I'm from 'uncivilized'.”
Rose opened her mouth to retort... and closed it just as quickly. “...yeah, I do.” She turned away from Bonbon, looking at the loose dirt from her tunnel. “Now I remember why I left in the first place...” She stomped one of her hooves and the tunnel opened once more. “The edge of the woods isn't far, just head east... that way–” she pointed “–and you should reach it in a few minutes.”
Bonbon nodded and turned to walk away.
“And, Bonbon?” Rose looked back over her shoulder as the Paladin did the same. “Good luck.” With that, the druid dove into the earth once more, the tunnel sealing up behind her.
“You should have let them finish patching you up, Righteous. You'll tear your wounds open in a heartbeat if we get into a fight.”
Righteous Fury winced as she continued to trot along, her newly mended flesh still tender and her eye still partially swollen from being punched in the face earlier. Still, she was managing a respectable speed without complaint, and waved off Octavia's concerns about her health. “We've already wasted enough time waiting for me; if we don't hurry, any potential leads on those two will have dried up. Or, Celestia forbid, they could have done even more damage. I'll not have that happen when I could have prevented it.”
Octavia scowled deeply, but kept whatever bitter words she'd thought up within her mouth. She knew better than most just how useless trying to argue a point with Righteous could be. “Can you at least try to take it easy on yourself? You'll be no help to anypony dead.”
“I make no promises, Octavia. My duty to Celestia comes before my personal health.”
Octavia scowled once again as Righteous continued to wince at every fourth step.
She sighed, feeling an all too familiar set of eyes upon her. “Don't give me that look, Vinyl.” The cellist turned her scowl to the demon, who was indeed giving her 'that look,’ a mixture of confusion, annoyance, and incredulity usually reserved for their arguments over musical style. “Righteous doesn't like you, and you don't like her, but she's still too powerful an ally to simply leave behind. Even if she is too stubborn for her own good.”
“I can still hear you, Octavia,” Righteous grumbled up ahead.
“And your point is? I've been saying nothing less to you since you left the hospital against the doctor's orders.”
Righteous only muttered a few unsavory words under her breath in response to that, making Octavia's scowl deepen.
“And I told you, I am not being nearly that unprofessional with my ward.”
Vinyl just rolled her eyes, now joining the other two in outright scowling as she trotted along. Even she was starting to think it would be an honest to... the sun mare... miracle if the three of them managed to get anything done, much less find a bard and that impossible cleric. Octavia was right about one thing: she definitely didn't like Righteous Fury, so the thought of Righteous injuring herself in her own stupidity did little to stir the tiny amount of empathy within the demon. Still, Vinyl could agree with Octavia’s point that having an uninjured paladin with them would be better than an injured one the next time they faced their adversaries. Her horn lit up as Righteous and Octavia began to bicker about what defined 'adequate rest', and sound faded away to nothing for her.
The noise canceling spell was a bit of a drain on her own magic, even as a magical creature herself, but it was better than putting up with the two of them going back and forth over nothing. With that distraction finally removed, Vinyl focused on the task at hoof and shut her eyes. As a demon, her senses were significantly more acute than a normal pony's, at the trade off of occasionally being so distracting they made it difficult to focus on any one in particular. With sound a non-issue, and her eyes shut, she bent down to the road and quietly sniffed.
Thousands of scents filled her nose in an instant, from crushed petals trampled underhoof to the stale vomit of a drunkard that had soaked into the soil. It was only through centuries of experience and acclimation to far worse smells within the pits of Tartarus that she was able to keep all the information straight. With another sniff, Vinyl began to sort through them, seeking out any of the scents that could lead them to their targets.
The brimstone of Hellfire was distinctive enough on its own, but as her own scent was saturated in it, she couldn't rely on it, and there was enough blood on the road from so many sources that trying to follow them by any wounds they still had was a wasted effort. Vinyl's brow furrowed as she took another sniff, still looking for anything unique as she silently cursed herself for not knowing other methods of tracking.
She was just about to give up, when a fairly unique scent filtered through her nose: burnt feathers.
Vinyl's eyes snapped open, flashing red for a brief second as she reached up to touch a part of mane that was still blackened from Righteous's magical spear grazing it. While it was a long shot, possibly just some pegasus who'd had a bad encounter with a fire mage, it was strong and fresh, and probably the best bet she had right now. She closed her eyes once more, taking several deep sniffs to familiarize herself with the scent trail, and dropped her spell.
“–worse wounds while I was outnumbered. I don't need–” Righteous's indignant shouting was cut off as Vinyl's magic produced a screech like metal being dragged across a blackboard. “What do you want, demon?”
Octavia’s eyes narrowed slightly a Vinyl tapped her hoof on the road. “I think she's found something.” She stepped forward as Vinyl nodded and turned around, leading them off down the road. “And don't think this conversation is done, Righteous.”
“You have us following a demon, Octavia. You're not in any position to be trying to call me out on perceived faults.”
“Believe me, they're not perceived.”
Neither of them said anything after that, simply choosing to follow Vinyl as she occasionally bent down to sniff at the ground to keep them on track. Even with her senses, the trail was still tough to follow, and several times she was left having to guess as to where it was actually heading. Eventually, she came to a dead stop in the middle of the road, scowling down at the dirt.
With a mute sigh, Vinyl turned to face Octavia and mimed slashing a hoof across her own throat, making the other mare scowl.
“The trail just ends here; somepony probably teleported them off to goddess knows where.”
“Well, this was a waste of time,” Righteous grumbled. “Some help your demon turned out to be.”
Octavia frowned at Righteous, Vinyl making a rude gesture behind her back. “She got us this far, didn't she?”
“And what good is being this far?” Righteous countered. “We have no way of knowing where they went, no way of tracking them without something of theirs to act as a focus, and no leads to follow up on.”
Vinyl glared at Righteous, who glared right back, forcing Octavia to step between the two of them before anything could happen. “Look, I can see a town a bit further on, let’s ask around there and see if they've seen anything unusual. If nothing else, we can stop and rest.”
Righteous continued to glare, but eventually nodded in acquiescence. “Fine, but I'm not paying for any food the demon wants.”
“I'm not asking you to,” Octavia said, starting to head toward the distant visage of the town she'd mentioned. Vinyl and Righteous both held each other's gaze for several moments, as if waiting to see who would turn first. Finally, Vinyl stuck her tongue out at Righteous and turned to follow after Octavia, leaving the paladin to follow last, still occasionally wincing as she walked.
By the time the three of them had reached the town, the sun was starting to get low in the sky, and hunger was starting to grow within their bellies, leading Octavia toward the nearest inn. Upon reaching the door, however, she paused and turned to Vinyl. “Twenty minutes, not a second longer.”
Vinyl nodded, and turned away, silently walking down the street.
“Where do you think you're going?” Righteous snapped, moving to intercept her. “You can't just wander off like that.”
“Yes, she can; at least, for the next twenty minutes.” Octavia cut Righteous off, letting Vinyl slowly slip into the crowd and seemingly vanish from sight. Under Righteous's disbelieving stare, Octavia calmly led the other mare into the inn and took a seat at one of the tables. “Vinyl's body is... unusual,” she explained. “She'll still eat plants and the like for a snack, but she needs meat for real sustenance. It's easier to let her go hunt for rats and other pests than to try and find a place that's comfortable serving meat to a pony.”
Righteous frowned at Octavia, shaking her head. “You're still letting her wander around, unsupervised! What if she kills somepony, or makes a deal?”
“I have reasonable confidence that she won't, and as she hasn't violated any of the stipulations of her confinement. She has earned a few freedoms as per regulations.”
“Do you have the damned book memorized?” Righteous snarked without humor. “She's a demon, Octavia, a demon. Lying and deceit are their native tongue; even if she isn't speaking, you shouldn't trust her even a single inch.”
“And yet, I do, and I have yet to be disappointed. Disapprove if you wish, but I will not revoke her freedoms without reason.”
Righteous held her glare, but said nothing as the owner of the inn came to offer them food. This was not the type of conversation to have when other ponies were paying attention. She simply ordered a sunflower salad and a bit of ale; if nothing else, the alcohol would take the edge off for now.
“So,” Righteous began again, once the owner had left to get their food. “If we assume your misguided faith in the demon doesn't result in several deaths, how shall we be handling this? The mark of Celestia will only get us so far, and we both know how well strangers asking about others goes in a small town.”
“Which is why we don't ask,” Octavia responded, closing her eyes. “We listen.”
Righteous frowned deeply, but kept silent. Because of her musical cutie mark, Octavia had a strange gift when it came to sounds. Righteous had often tried to imitate it, even resorting to trying to cast a spell to augment her senses on more than one occasion, but could never achieve the same effects as her friend managed. It was best for her to wait and find out what Octavia could hear.
“...crops aren't doing so good this year, might need....”
“...only ever wanted what was best for her, but she wouldn't...”
“...needs some space, has a lot going...”
“...says I'm immature, the nerve of that mare; I ought to...”
Octavia's ears were twitching, the right one occasionally flicking up and down as she 'Listened', as she called it. It was one of the best ways to get information; ponies rarely bothered to hide things when they didn't think they could be overheard.
“...still doesn't know the baby isn't his, not sure when I'll...”
“...wife has no idea, don't worry about...”
“...never stopped singing, or trying to anyway...”
Octavia frowned, focusing on a stream of conversation, to the exclusion of all other.
“...end came into the store and started looking through every magic book I owned and even some I had in the backroom since they were discontinued. The mare would have been bad enough on her own, especially with all that damned singing, but she had to bring her damned coltfriend along. Stallion stank too; I swear, he literally smelled like a bad egg.”
Octavia's eyes snapped open, her ears swiveling as she followed the sounds of the conversation, slowly coming to a stop as she turned her head toward a table against the far wall. Without a word, Octavia stood up, with Righteous following a moment later, the pair of them silently weaving between the tables.
“..what they were look... ing... for...” A gray stallion trailed off as Octavia calmly walked up to the table and looked down her nose at him and the other stallion he was dining with.
“The two of them,” she said, not waiting for introductions. “What were they looking for?”
The stallion blinked a few times, blue eyes sliding over to Righteous, who just stared back silently, and then to the sun pendant around her neck. “Er... books. I mean... I run a store, and I'm something of a collector.”
“What sort of books?”
The stallion hesitated, beads of sweat starting to form on his brow. “W-well, I'm... not sure if I should–”
“What. Sort. Of. Books?” Octavia repeated, narrowing her eyes ever so slightly.
The stallion audibly gulped as his eyes darted around. “Just.. just books... about... certain types of magic.”
“Dark magic,” Righteous interrupted, taking a step forward, her expression darkening. “Why else would you be acting like this?” When the stallion didn’t respond, light began to gather at Righteous’s hooves. She opened her mouth to speak a word of power, only to get cut of by Octavia placing herself between the stallion and the paladin.
“Do you have a permit for that?” she questioned, glancing back at Righteous briefly with a shake of the head.
“N-no,” he admitted, but quickly held up a hoof. “B-but, I-I don't actually practice it, I'm just a collector; I can't even cast a cantrip!”
Righteous scowled at him, but said nothing in response, leaving Octavia to continue pressing. “What were they looking for, specifically.”
“Ah...” The stallion looked down at the table in thought, his brow furrowing. “I... I don't think they ever mentioned a specific title, but... they did mention an author. Wasn't one I ever heard of, though...” He frowned. “It started with an 'H'... Ha... Harp... something?”
“...Harpsichord.” Octavia's eyes darted to Righteous, who was scowling heavily. “That was the author, correct?”
“Uh... yeah, now that you mention it, that was the name!”
Righteous didn't respond to the stallion, simply turning away from the conversation while Octavia blinked in confusion. Celestia damn it all, Righteous thought, clenching her teeth. As if one Heartstrings wasn’t bad enough, now I have to deal with two!
This year? Awesome!
Thank you for a lovely update on this.
And heh, loving getting to see from vinyls side of things, and even octavia's rebutting of righteous through understanding the book better than our lovable paladin.
Oh, one of Lyra's relatives? Looks like the two paths might meet up soon!
the plot thickens.......EVERYONE PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh dear, the gambits are piling up.
Ho ho! It lives! COMMENCE READ
A lovely update on a lovely story :)
7952253
*admiration intensifies*
*Is triggered by the story to relive childhood memories relating to D&D alignment system.*
Guess Bon Bon is gonna have to start from the ground up in searching for Lyra. At least she bounced back from the chaos pretty well. Something smells fishy with Sapphire and her friend for sure. I mean, finding and acquiring a book written by Lyra's father? I don't mean to harp on the issue here but I'm starting to think they need Lyra for a spell in that book. Call me paranoid but I think so.
An end to this story within a year?
MADNESS, I CALLS IT!
Another enjoyable chapter. Good job.
The next chapter should be good.
You know i dont think ive ever hated a character more than righteous, if i ever need lessons on how to write a character without a single redeeming quality and whose every single line of dialog (minus i think 1 from this chapter) is used solely to insult other characters than i will be sure to return to this story.
Sweet.
7961672 Your paranoid I also agree completely.
And I'm really hoping someone rips Octavia, Righteous and the rest of these damn paladins a new one over their hypocrisy. That let Octavia (an assassin, a profession you have to chose to enter) join and even become a warden, but except for Bon Bon (and many Shining) they all seem to be looking for the smallest excuse to execute Lyra for the great and unforgivable crime of being born a necromancer.
And did Rose ever explain why she couldn't just go and get the information from the other druids and give it to Bon & Lyra without dragging Lyra into the middle of their grove trussed up like a sacrifice?
If only.
Oh yes, insult Celestia to the face of the Paladin who serves her, BRILLIANT idea.
Big shock.
Your funeral, buddy.
I don't like you.
Clever mare.
There we go.
Oh boy.
Omake: WHAT?
"You... you gotta be bucking kidding me, I could have been a Shaman?" Lyra said incredulously.
"You can still be a Shaman. Some things are similar, only... gentler, like talking to spirits." The pink pegasus said then sipped her drink."Heck I am technically a Knight and a thief. And no unlike the sun kissed we aren't all paladins... being a Moon Paladin is very hard. You start as a warrior then... sorry I got out of topic."
"Double class? Are you mad? That means double the work and... wait isn't a Shaman a type of druid?" If Rose heard that Lyra could have been a druid she would probably fall out laughting.
"No. Shamans talks with spirits and nature and with all the Gods. And the use of drugs is optional... they are just shortcuts. Shamans also work for the better of their tribe, clan or group. Or you could do the hermit option like some zebras do. Of course around here that means the Everfree so I wouldn't recomend it."
"Wasn't your first class dancer? I mean I heard-" The pink pegasus stuck her hoof into Bonbon mouth.
"Thief is a very versatile class and since is the precursor of ninja it includes infiltration, tricking othet people, art of disguise and so on. Not to mention that detection magic that can find paladins is widespread hence why I am a knight and a thief."
"Wait I remenber something, isn't the term Rogue?" Lyra asked for more drinks since the pink pegasus, Firefly, was paying.
"Eh, who cares? There are just different words for the same thing."
Then they heard a crashing sound and a strong wind could be felt everywhere.
"Okay the fight must have got serious if Gusty had to summon something. Here I got!" Firefly then ran outside, and Lyra cursed because Bonbon followed right behind leaving the green unicorn with the task of paying the bill. Let's form a party! Four are better than two her rump!"
***
Firefly: Knight Of the Moon(retired from the order/emergency reserves) and Thief/Rogue.
Lyra: Necromancer
Bonbon: Paladin
Gusty: Wind mage and Alchemist.
AU were Lyra and Bonbon are just a typical party of adventurers verse.
7961672 Damn you and your "short cuts".
You seem to be everywhere nowadays!
7961672
It seems pretty likely.
Great stuff as always. Glad I could help look it over, even if my contributions were minimal.
7968349 that's not undead, that's undying.
Seeing an update to this totally made my VERY early morning! Think I'll go re-read the whole thing...
7960712
That's the plan at least, let's see how well it works out.
7960827
There's quite a bit about Righteous that I keep in mind while writing her that won't be seeing the light of day in this story (or likely the next one I write in this verse). But, suffice to say, she does have a reason she acts the way she does; whether that makes her better or worse is up for debate.
7960897
Gotta bring things to a climax somehow.
7960936
7960956
Just more pieces to the puzzle, as the chapter says.
7961023
7961026
Glad people are still enjoying this story in spite of my insane schedule.
7961104
No offense, but you need higher standards if I'm someone you admire.
7961425
There's also this, though I didn't know about it when I started writing the story.
7961627
I'm almost afraid to ask.
7961672
Well, you've got the skeleton of the truth there, but I do have a few bones to pick with your theory.
7961698
Madness? THIS! IS!
...not the meme I'm going to go for.
7961851
Thanks, glad to hear you enjoyed it.
7961861
Here's hoping.
7962105
Righteous has more than a few things to her that aren't known to more than a handful of others, in either a canon or meta sense. I am pleased that people recognize her as a Take That to how people think paladins act, but I might have done my job a bit too well with her in that regard.
7962222
Thanks!
7962348
I'm curious what the line of thought was that led you to the idea that Lyra was somehow born into her profession any more than Octavia was born into being an assassin.
Also, the plan with going to the grove was to get some help from the druids in a more physical than intellectual sense, operating on the belief that they would want to stop a Blighter as much as the paladins would. And, as Bonbon isn't really in a state of mind to leave Lyra to her own devices (nor would she have been allowed to for more than a few days anyway), that meant bringing her along.
7962705
Druids are rather contemptuous of Lawful deities, regardless of their position on the 'Good-Evil' scale, as they see them as instilling a false order that often conflicts with the natural one.
7963446
O...kay.
7965961
Every little bit helps, and I still appreciate it.
7977323
You can actually track the quality of my writing diminishing as it goes!
7978825
When in doubt, just assume any parallels to really awesome and in-depth things that aren't blatantly drawn out by me are happy accidents. I'm really not smart enough to intentionally pull off something really cool like that.
7978950 As long as there is a reason, and a sound one, then its good, the best pita's and the arsebiscuits having great reasons are good writing when done right.
7978950
Yeah i would say so she is so cruel and needlessly rude that she has come right back all the way around the spectrum and is indistinguishable from bad guys that i honestly want her to die more than any of the "bad" guys. Cus the bad guys are flippantly cruel and uncaring and she has this desperate, cruel and murderous intent behind everything that if she was a bad guy she would probably be type cast as a "bad for the sake of bad" and would be an awful character. (err worse)
7978950 Ah, my misunderstanding then about whether Lyra choose her profession. Still, the argument stands that the Paladins are fine with the assassin (who has how many murders to her account?) but are so upset about the necromancer (who we have only seen use her powers in defense of herself and others, or to assist other ponies to move on).
And if Necromancy is not "in the blood" then just why is Lyra specifically so important to Redheart and co.?
(And Ditzy? Why are they trying to recruit Ditzy? Sure, she's a lich, but she' still Ditzy! As long as you aren't messing with her friends or family, she's one of the sweetest ponies around ...)
As for the whole "getting help from the druids" thing ... sorry, no. They specifically went to the druids for information, information that Rose could have gotten much quicker and easier on her own. Rose even admits that the druids see necromancers as the same as blighters and were ready to lynch Lyra from the get go ... there is no way that they were going to provide "help" with Lyra dangled in front of them, and Rose is an idiot if she deluded herself otherwise.
I'm sorry about the rant, and I'm eager to see where you're going with all of this, but from where I'm sitting Rose looks to be either A) A complete moron who is an active hazard to the mission and a danger to everyone else; B) In cahoots with Redheart and co.; or C) Looking to weaken Lyra (and probably separate her from Bon Bon) so she can use Lyra for some scheme of her own.
7979785
Note that the only paladin who has a problem with Lyra is Righteous Fury... whom I've made no secret is meant to be in the wrong here. Bon Mot doesn't necessarily like Lyra, but he's still perfectly willing to let her walk free without issue so long as she doesn't violate the terms of her sentence or do anything to harm his daughter. And... really, those are the only two ponies affiliated with the Solar Order who have actually shown up outside of Bonbon. And, if you're referring to the issue of Octavia being Vinyl's warden while Lyra is still a ward with a death sentence hanging over her, Righteous can still kill Octavia just the same as Bonban can kill Lyra if either of them deem it necessary.
As for Rose and the Druids...
I'll just admit it: I fucked up.
I needed to get them in a position that would lead to Lyra getting taken, and wanted to introduce Wysteria due to my actually liking MLP G3. I fucked up while trying to get both of those done and there's literally no way I can fix it to have the rest of the story work. I'm a shitty writer, I bit off so much more than I can chew with this story that -- at this point -- I'm just trying to salvage it into something that isn't horrendously bad, and I fucked up. There really is nothing else that can be said; I'm sorry.
7979326
(Missed your comment, sorry)
Rude, yes... cruel, I'm not seeing that part. She hasn't actually done anything to hurt someone, outside of throwing a spear at Vinyl when she scared her in the fourth chapter (which, given the circumstances, would have happened with just about any character outside of Octavia herself), or when fighting the ponies that were actively attacking others. The scene in the latest chapter is also fairly ambiguous; as, despite clearly getting ready to cast a spell of some sort, what that spell would have been isn't clear.
She's an asshole, stubborn in her beliefs that Dark Is Evil, but I can't recall a moment when she actually did anything cruel.
7979871
I think your too focused on the physical act, yes you can be cruel in action and yes its easier but thats not to say that insults, behavior, assuming guilt where there isnt any and displaying a genuine unabashed hatred for people isnt anything but cruel.
If i woke you up by ridiculing you constantly and screaming insults at you night and day you would be hard pressed to find someone that didnt think that was cruel, despite me not laying a hand on you.Cruelty in words and in attempted action may be lesser than physical cruelty, but it is still cruel.
If she did half the things she was either about to/or talked about she would have a bigger body count than any other character so far.
I just hold a good deal of disapointment with characters who are so one sided. If they were evil instead of good they would be disgustingly bland and would epitomize "evil for the sake of evil" so when you flip the coin back is it really any better? The character would be deep if they had a soft spot for one person who she might have not have liked but made some excuse like "they saved my life". Or they would be deep if they had personally suffered at the hands of the object of their hate (though that would be extremely cliche). They would be deep if they had a naunced reasoning that didnt begin and end with "Is it dark? It should die and the entire time im killing it i should insult it and do everything in my power to make it feel as much suffering as possible." But she doesnt, her entire character is a sentance long and it irks me to no end. That being said we havent seen the end of it so she might be deeper than the 10$ kiddy pool she is now, so fingers crossed.
Edit* I know your going for making a bad guy thats good but they are just so... flat, they are like the joker without any mystery, just a mad dog biting anything in reach and pissing on what they cant. I was doing some rereading and i dont think she has had a single conversation outside of superior officer that wasnt negative, didnt contain an insult, veiled or otherwise, or a threat or suggested harm extreme or not to someone and probably 0 conversations in the history of her character where she wasnt either kind to anyone at all, even herself or positive or optimistic.
7979908
I was actually going for Lawful Good doesn't mean Lawful Nice with Righteous, but that's not really the issue.
I just have a different definition of cruel, since I've always taken it to mean that they took pleasure in the suffering of others and, for every one of her other faults, Righteous doesn't do what she does to actively cause suffering. She still mistakenly believes she's doing the right thing, but she doesn't take pleasure in causing pain.
As for how flat she is... well, you're the one who says there's no shame in admitting it, so... she's another victim of my overly ambitious aspirations when I started this story. There was going to be a sub-plot of Righteous that would explore her history, as well as how she knows Octavia well enough to have what amounts to a social call with her, but... well, like I said in response to TheStratovarian:
Unfortunately, while there is a reason for her acting this way that I always keep in mind while writing her, it is unlikely I'll be able to display it within this story. And, even then, whether or not her reason is something that makes her actions better, worse, or just as bad as they seem now is largely up for debate.
7979908
7979939
Here is a few thoughts i had about Righteous.
He is not being cruel he is being Honest which is a virtue. When looked at this from the perspective from LG Lyra is a warden who has went to bed with the prisoner. While love is good and the sect is obviously ruled by Shining Armor (Who is being OBVIOUSLY affected by his girl friend / wife PRINCESS OF LOVE!) Lyra is SLIPPING! You all saw what he did in the forest with the blood, and how Bon keeps putting the discussion away. I must break it to you, Bon is a bad warden. Could be a good friend and lover. But bad warden. I could easily see that Righteous saw the signs of this and is trying to make her see it.
As for the Demon? It is a DEMON! CE, eats souls, eats faces and enjoys doing it Demon. That one of these is acting weird must be only a plan within a plan and your apprentice is looking after it. The one you TRAINED and showed how to be a warden. If she seems to be a bit too taken in and treats if a bit too nicely you start to worry. She might be a master in his own right now but once a teacher always a teacher. (Also this all came from the same Shining Armor who is all good and dandy with the previous issue too.)
7979812 Eh, I guess I'm still not getting it. Though Righteous' comments about "another Harpstring" makes me think that at least part of her problem with Lyra is actually due to her having issues with Harpsicord, and she's just dumping it on Lyra. (Believable, assholeish, but believable. It also, now that I think about it, would explain the whole assassin <accepted> / necromancer <just kill it already> dichotomy Righteous has going on.)
As for Rose and the Druids (which sounds like the name of band, btw) ... sometimes the story gets away from you.
Still ... normally reasonable folk (Rose is reasonable normally, right?) occasionally do things so bucking moronic that you have to wonder if they forgot where they put their brain. Maybe you could have Wysteria call Rose and the other druids out on their behavior later? (Wysteria didn't seem to have any real issues with Lyra when they were talking ...)
7980012
I know that logically but the way we are introduced into the story all but tells us that this is about lyra and lyra is a good pony so when several chapters later we get this ball of rage and murder that comes after her it hardly matters that she claims to be a good guy because up untill than the story has gone a long way in establishing Lyra and to a lesser extent Bon as the only good guys. I know logically that demon = bad but the entire premise of the story is that they are grey areas and up untill than the story pretty much says flat out that those grey areas not only exist but also hold the most decent and rational characters in the entire story so when righteous comes in she is a stark contrast from what the story has been trying to tell us the entire time. Righteous' character is doubly hurt by the fact that we dont actually "see" any demons being evil or necromancers being evil, we are told they are bad but to the audience every single demon and necromancer has been good. There is no grey area in the audience's eyes, though logically they might be able to reach that conclusion we as the audience shouldnt have to be told to assume something that hasnt been displayed for us. Thats just lazy writing or the author is porposefully making the line between good and evil even vaguer than it already is by not backing up assertions that demons/necromancers are bad.
this weird false dichotomy is doubly true when all the bad guys so far have been normal ponies so when righteous (a normal pony) comes in and is a jerk to the character we are invested in already she is only further seen as an enemy.
7979939
So if i dont take joy in screaming at you, insulting you, calling out your deepest faults all the while assuming your a terrible person and saying i would be all too happy to put you in the dirt every day of your life, that doesnt make it cruel? I think the word your thinkign of is sadistic, a sadist takes joy in causing pain, someone can be entirely cruel and not enjoy it at all, having convinced themself that "its for the greater good." Why some of the most cruel acts in history were done under this guise and by people who didnt enjoy doing it.
"I was actually going for Lawful Good doesn't mean Lawful Nice with Righteous, but that's not really the issue."
There is a difference in not being nice and tossing out insults like they are hot cakes going out of style, you can not be polite but that doesnt have to translate to constant verbal barbs and audatory reasurances that she "isnt the nice guy". It can be a look of disdain and disgust, the slight lip curl or spitting and shaking her head. Whenever she doesnt like anyone she insults them and tells them her mind. Its one thing to be not nice and its another to go out of your way to insult, you can just say nothing.
7981848
Like I've said, I've basically failed when it came to my ideas for this story. I'm not a good writer, and this story -- despite how popular it is -- is a perfect example of that. At this point, it's largely damage control and hoping that I can not have everything come down so hard that it makes people even angrier than they already are.
7981871
So long as she dies screaming in the most agony a mortal character is possible of receiving or gets some revelation that makes her anything less than a rolled up ball of hate, murder and cruelty than I could care less about how this story ends. Now that i think about it shes probably the cruelest character in this story even the blighter and the other bad guys seem to get along better than our resident hate machine does.
7981871
Well all i can do is to say: Write what you want to write, and do not pay too much attention to us crowd. You are the master of this story and if there is failings you can guide it where you want it to go.
7981848
I stand by what i said, being happy joy joy friendly can be a failing. And supporting people in things that lead to ruin is something no good person does.
Vinyl is a fascinating character - I can't wait to see more from her perspective, because getting a glimpse into her head this chapter was fantastic.
Keep up the good work! Judging by both this story and the other stories in its universe, I think you're being altogether too hard on yourself.
Oh boy, this starts to turn out more and my like the Pen & Paper sessions I use to host as DM. Derail the plot, skin the wizards familiar cat for a new coin pouch, burn down the sacred church and do things your own frikken way but how the DM wanted them to go. Leaves me a sobbing mess everytime, even though I should anticipate it by now.
Author, remember. This isn't Jest's story. This isn't anyone else's story. This is yours.
Don't let other people dictate to you how it should and shouldn't be written. Accepting criticism is fine, but don't let it compromise your vision for how you want this to play out. This story has 1k likes for a reason.
8036039
That's a nice sentiment, and I really do appreciate the vote of confidence, but there comes a time when every author has to accept their own limitations.
This story is three years old, three years! In that time, most other authors have put out multiple stories twice as long as this one is, with better plot cohesion, and their characters well defined. There are very likely people who have read this story, even upvoted/faved/tracked it, that are no longer even interested in My Little Pony in any shape or form. There are people who probably can't even remember what this story is whenever they see it update in their notifications. That time table, coupled with what I had originally wanted to do for this story, just doesn't work, even if I am trying to improve on my speed.
More to the point, I have legitimately failed to show why there's an in-universe disdain for dark magic and dark creatures. Simply because of how hard it is for me to write my main characters as violent, self-serving, and prone to less than moral actions as they would need to be to justify they hate and distrust their professions/species/current states have canonically. To say nothing of how over-hated Righteous Fury is (as well as the paladins as a whole) has become due to her being always displayed at her worst, while the opposite side is always displayed at its best.
A large portion of the issues people have with this story can be laid squarely at my feet. While I don't necessarily like what Jest is saying, I'd have to be pretty egotistical to just ignore that there's quite a bit of truth behind it. I'm not outright tossing away the ideas I originally had for this story, I'm just trimming back things that are unnecessary for this story.
By Luna's lovely night, Righteous! You will die because you burned the one bridge that could've saved your flank!
7981900
I feel like posting some quote from Granny Weatherwax here, but I can't quite decide on the right one. "I'm a witch. We do Right, not Nice" seems appropriate enough, but at the same time, it doesn't do justice to the character. She's more complex than that.
I guess what I mean to say is, I agree with you there, in the broadest terms. I will say that it is called "doing the right thing," not "doing the nice thing" for a damn good reason. At the same time, though, I certainly think that if your idea of "right" doesn't involve "verbally or physically abusing individuals and inflicting pain when it isn't absolutely unavoidable" being wrong, the part where you're actually "good" is rather dubious.
Also, hey Absol. Great to see you're still working on this at all. I certainly didn't think this would go anywhere.
Hmm if they are not perceived she should not be aware of them... ;p