Machinations of the Other Side
“Um... we... do?”
Ditzy's left eye swiveled in its socket, her right one finally getting its focus back as she looked at the cloaked mare across from her. The room she had been summoned to was dark, and the cowl over the other pony's head didn't even let Ditzy see her muzzle. She thought she could see the tent of a horn near the top, be the folds of the hood made even that unclear. The voice was the only thing she could be sure about.
“Yes.”
Ditzy blinked at the blunt response. “Uh... okay... but my daughter will probably be summoning me back pretty soon.”
“And that's where I come in.”
Ditzy jumped as a voice came from behind her; she whirled around, squinting into the darkness. This time, the figure that resolved into sight was a blue stallion, an earth pony one, with a bright orange mane and tail. He was wearing a collar with an orange bow tie, and as he stepped around her, she spotted the hourglass cutie mark of a chronomancer on his flank. The light of a spell played about his hooves as he walked and what little color Ditzy could see suddenly darkened, becoming noticeably redder.
“Um...”
“No need to worry, Ms. Doo,” the cloaked mare assured her. “My associate has merely accelerated our personal time stream; the color-shift is just from the light taking longer to get to us.”
Ditzy blinked. “...I'll take your word for it.”
“Can we move this conversation along?” The chronomancer stallion pulled a pocket watch out of his collar and flipped it open. “We have a schedule to keep and even I can only stretch my seconds so far.”
“Calm yourself, Perfect Pace,” the mare said. “We have plenty of time.”
“Er... time to what?” Ditzy's eye swiveled in its socket as she glanced back and forth between the two. “What is going on here?”
“It's nothing to be concerned about; I'm sure you know how chronomancers can be about their own time.”
Ditzy simply blinked. “O...kay. Is there... any particular reason you're going for the 'hooded figure' look and your friend there isn’t? Take it from me, that gets more attention than it does anonymity.”
“Some secrecy is necessary for me,” the mare admitted. “I find it more important that nopony know the face under this hood, nor the mark on my flank, than I do attempting to dissuade their assumptions and prejudices.” She turned her covered head to look at Perfect Pace. “A belief my… associate doesn’t share.” She turned back to Ditzy “And surely you, of all ponies, can understand my point of view.”
Ditzy tilted her head at this.
“The kindhearted lich, the undead mother to two daughters, and – much more recently – the lover of the chronomancer called 'Time Turner'.” The other mare paused for a moment. “I'm sure you've wished, more than once, that your condition was... not so widely known, shall we say?”
Ditzy's eyes drifted apart slightly as cast her gaze around. “Well... there's a few tax benefits to being listed as deceased...”
“That wasn't the question, Ms. Doo.”
Sighing to herself, Ditzy slowly nodded. “Yeah, okay, I'll give you the hood. But... um... I'm pretty sure you didn't call me here to talk about fashion.”
“No,” the mare admitted, “though it is good for breaking the ice.”
Perfect Pace scoffed at this, but held his tongue when the hooded mare's head turned to him.
“Anyway, what I truly wish to talk about, Ms. Doo, is you.”
Ditzy cocked an eyebrow. “Um... I know there's a few stereotypes about how liches work, and they're deserved half the time, but didn't you just get done talking about how I wasn't exactly like most of them?”
“You misunderstand me, Ms. Doo. This isn't about recruiting you to some nefarious organization or convincing you to act more like the stereotypical lich. Rather, it is about you... and your family.”
The air within their time shifted bubble became very still as Ditzy's eyes both focused on the cloaked mare. “What about my family?”
The mare simply pressed on. “Sparkler is growing up very fast, isn't she? Most would say she's already a mare of her own by now.”
“She always was independent.” Ditzy answered curtly.
“Yet she still calls herself your daughter.” The mare started walking around Ditzy. “And Dinky, you've been watching her grow as the days go by... and you don't change.”
Ditzy's eyes narrowed. “Excuse me?”
“How many years has it been since your passing, Ms. Doo? Five years? Ten?”
Ditzy hesitated for a moment before answering. “Twenty-one years next month.”
“And your body... has it changed since then?”
Ditzy fidgeted on the spot, no longer looking at the other mare. “Well, I rot...”
“You're avoiding the question again, Ms. Doo. And you know exactly what I am talking about. You have the body of a mare in her late twenties, when you're nearly fifty. Even if you rot, do you really think you won't live to see a century? Or two? Even if you stopped taking care of yourself, you'd make it at least a few more decades before you became unrecognizable. And I really don't think you'd allow such a thing to happen, not while Time Turner still lives.”
Ditzy's eyes wandered in different directions, desperate to not actually look at the mare circling her. She'd asked herself similar questions in the past, usually late at night when the living ponies in her life had fallen asleep. The lines of thought they’d led her down were rarely comforting, and only stopped with the rising of the sun or the occasional late-night delivery notice.
She scrunched her eyes shut, forcing her mind to focus. “Can you get to the point?” she snapped, with a bit more force than she'd intended.
“My point, Ms. Doo, is... what if you didn't have to worry about any of that?”
Ditzy's eyes slowly opened to look at the cloaked mare. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“What if you never had to worry about Dinky and Sparkler withering and dying as you watch? What if you didn't have to worry about Time Turner overtaxing his abilities and dying as well? What if nopony, ever, had to die.”
Ditzy slowly blinked, then hardened her gaze into a minor glare. “And this is where you ask me to join you in your totally not evil club to control who lives and dies.” She scoffed, turning away from her. “Yeah, not interested.”
“It's not controlling who lives and dies, Ms. Doo, it's stopping death altogether.”
“You can't just stop death,” Ditzy snapped back. “Everything has its time and everything dies.”
“You don't.”
“I already am dead; this isn't life, it's a poor mare's imitation of it!”
“And who said you had to stay that way?”
Ditzy's vision lost focus as her eyes moved in two different directions. “It doesn't work that way! Death doesn't get undone, even for necromancers!”
“We happen to disagree.”
“Of course you do!” Ditzy found herself facehoofing. “So transparently evil, and crazy as well. I'm not interested; just because I'm a lich doesn't mean I care to chase after pointless-”
“Have you ever asked Ms. Heartstrings about her father?”
Ditzy blinked as she was cut off. “Huh?”
“Her father,” the mare repeated. “Have you ever asked about him?”
“Well, no; she doesn't like to talk about him. What does-”
“You really should ask her about him. You might be surprised what she has to say about him.”
Ditzy blinked, her head tilting as she looked at the cloaked mare. “...huh?”
“We're almost out of time,” Perfect Pace made Ditzy jump as he snapped closed his watch. “It's been nearly two minutes outside of our little time pocket; her family will be completing the ritual to summon her back any moment now.”
“Very well,” the mare nodded to him behind the hood, then turned back to Ditzy. “I realize you doubt us, and you have every right to, but I still believe it would be good for you to ask Lyra about her father. After all, he was the one who made the spell in the first place.”
Ditzy blinked again. “What sp-” She vanished with a 'pop', yet again.
Blue light played around Perfect Pace's hooves as the colors within the room shifted back to normal. “Think she'll actually help us?”
“I can't say for certain,” the cloaked mare said. “But, her... uniqueness would make her a very valuable ally. And a very difficult enemy, should we anger her.”
The chronomancer scoffed, checking his watch yet again. “Well, this has been a phenomenal waste of time. Can we move on to more important matters then?”
“Always with your complaining,” she muttered. “We did what we came here to do, and well within your obsessive schedule as well. Now, let me put together the proper spell circle.”
Perfect Pace rolled his eyes, blue light playing around his hooves again as a bubble surrounded his companion and made the work of a few minutes that of a few seconds.
She turned back to him sharply. “I hate it when you do that without my permission,” she snapped.
“I fail to see why your opinion on the matter is important. I have a schedule to keep, and I will not be delayed with trivialities.”
A growl emerged from the hidden mare's throat, but she turned and stomped on the sigil. Light flared up from the design and the area within them warped and waved as if a massive heat source had appeared. “Go then, the path is ready.”
Perfect Pace calmly walked passed her, stepping into the haze and vanishing from the room without a sound or sight. The cloaked mare counted to five in her head, then stepped in herself, pushing a bit of magic out through her hooves as she went. The sigil flared up as she vanished, then exploded into glittering dust, floating down to lightly coat the floor of the room, leaving only that as evidence of what transpired.
“Thanks for the save back there.” The pegasus stallion set his staff down as he rubbed at one of his ears. “Probably would have died if you hadn't done your little trick with the music.”
“No prob, sugar~.” Sapphire's voice still held her song-like timber, and even the tiny movements of trotting about seemed akin to a dance. Pretty much everything about her related back to rhythm in some way, or so it seemed to him. “Happy to help, Hexy.”
Winter Hex frowned at the nickname, a warmth rising in his face. “You know I don't like it when you call me that.”
“Yeah,” Sapphire chuckled. “But it's the easiest way to get you to blush.”
Winter Hex blinked, the warmth growing into a heat intense enough to make him sweat. He had to shake his head a few times to clear it before speaking again. “Th-that's not important!”
“Whatever you say, Hexy~.”
He snorted as he took to the air to put some distance between the two. “Look, we're going to be late if we don't hurry. So let's just–”
“Oh, Hexy~,” Sapphire called from ground level. “You forgot your staff again~.”
Winter Hex growled to himself as he flew back to the ground to snatch up the staff, then hurried back into the air. “Why?” he grumbled. “Why did I get stuck with the pony who flirts with anyone and everything under the burning sun?”
He could feel her watching him as he flew along, could even occasionally hear a half-coherent song as she trotted along near the ground. The plains they now traveled weren't the best for stealth, but they'd left the paladin and the slayer long behind, and he hadn't felt the presence of that strange demon since they'd left town, meaning he was left with nothing to occupy his thoughts save his companion.
He still didn't understand how a pony could be as skilled with song, especially bardsong, and not have that as her cutie mark skill. And he was hesitant to ask about it, lest she turn it into a conversation about his interest in her flank.
Especially since, given his own predilections, she wouldn't have been entirely wrong to make it about that.
A flash from ground level a short distance ahead finally snapped Winter Hex out of such thoughts. He called down to Sapphire as he angled his wings into a glide, descending just in time to catch Perfect Pace as he trotted out the rippling air.
The Chronomancer gave a hard look at Winter, and a matching one to Sapphire when she joined them, pulling out his watch as the cloaked mare joined them. “We're running twenty-six seconds behind schedule, and that blasted blighter isn't here yet either.”
“Nopony gives a flying feather, Pace,” Winter snapped as he alighted on the ground. “And nopony gives a damn about your impossible-to-keep schedules, either.”
Smack!
Winter staggered to the side in pain, his ears ringing from the backhoof. Perfect Pace glared at him, his hoof still raised even as Sapphire interposed herself between the two. “I will not be insulted by an impudent whelp such as yourself, boy! You will show me respect, or I will beat it into you; understood?”
Winter growled, rubbing the spot he'd been struck. That was going to leave a mark, no question. “I understand...”
“'I understand...'” Perfect Pace prompted harshly.
“I understand, Sir.”
“Good.” Perfect Pace finally lowered his hoof, if not his glare. “Maybe there is some hope for you.”
“Well, this is a pleasant time to walk in, isn't it?”
All four of the gathered ponies staggered as their hearts slowed in their chests. The cloaked mare was the first to react, turning her hooded face to the speaker. “Release your hold, murderer!”
The blighter, her disheveled form still looking quite battered and bruised, barely raised an eyebrow, but the metaphysical grip on their hearts lessened to a dull ache all the same. “Sorry,” she said, sounding anything but. “Doesn't really come with an off-switch.”
Winter Hex panted as he leaned heavily on his staff, doing his best to help Sapphire to her hooves again. “Starting to think that's a bushel of horse-apples, Redheart.”
“Irrelevant!” Perfect Pace finally managed to reassert his own strength. “We are nearly a full minute behind schedule thanks to all this nonsense, and we still have a quarter-hour's walk ahead of us! No more lollygagging!” He set off, cantering off with enough speed that the group had little choice but to follow him.
Winter eventually took to the air once more, just as trees started to come into view and a forest rapidly engulfed them. Their pace slowed considerably once they passed the treeline, the woods lacking in any discernible trails, but Pace kept them going as quickly as they could move, trying to 'make up for lost time'.
The air was deathly still, most likely thanks to the presence of the blighter making any creatures who called this place home avoid their little group, but it wasn't until they came within sight of a cave leading into the earth that they truly felt unease.
There was a presence here, the kind that only came from a truly powerful magic user, and stepping into the cave only magnified it. It was like a sense of dread that grew more and more oppressive as they descended into the darkness. Winter alighted on the ground, finding flight a bit more taxing all of a sudden, and moved a bit closer to a much more still and silent Sapphire. His staff flared with the red-tinged radiance of his goddess to provide them light, but even it seemed to be insufficient to fully clear the darkness.
Finally, after walking around several twists and turns, always moving downward, the five of them entered a large cavern, a stone table sitting in the center. And seated at that table, the one who had gathered all of them together.
The decrepit old goat looked ready to fall apart in a stiff breeze. His matted fur had turned wizened and white with age, what had once been a pair of strong ram's horns on his head were chipped and broken, his skin hung loosely over a set of bones that looked ready to snap if he moved too quickly, and one of his eyes was gray and unfocused in blindness.
However, as his good eye turned to regard them, even Redheart staggered at the force of his magical potential. Winter's light was snuffed out, the blighter's hold on them vanished completely, and the cloaked mare gasped as she felt the protective wards in her outfit weaken into near non-existence.
“Your incompetence continues to astound me.” The goat's voice evoked images of rusted doors on unoiled hinges being forced open. “Did any of you complete the tasks I gave you?”
Perfect Pace, with a grunt of effort, managed to speak first. “We made contact with the lich Ditzy Doo, Sir.” When the goat didn't respond immediately, he continued. “She hasn't been convinced to help us, but you were right about her family being where she was weakest.”
“Of course I was.” The goat shuffled about, heedless of the darkness. “And what of the necromancer?”
Redheart grunted. “She still clings to the Paladin and her lies. I saw no weakness.” A tense silence followed her words. “And... the druids are aware of my presence here.”
There was a flash of magic and Redheart suddenly cried out in agony. “You couldn't resist, could you?” The goat’s voice cut through the blighter's screams. “Couldn't hold off on trying to kill a druid, even for a short time.”
“You– AH! You said to draw her out!” Redheart's screaming redoubled.
“I said to draw her out carefully!” he countered. “Not make a huge show and alert others.” He let her scream for a moment longer, then finally let the spell go.
“And what of you?” Winter staggered under the weight of his attention. “What of the lead I sent you to investigate?”
He struggled to speak for a moment. “There– there were–”
“We ran into a demon.”
It was so rare to hear Sapphire's voice without it's usual melodic timber that Winter almost didn't recognize it. Still, it got the goat's attention off him for a moment and let him breathe again.
“A new ally?” the goat questioned.
“No.” Winter finally found his voice. “She was working with a slayer and aided one of the paladins. Even my attempts to dispel the binds on her didn't break whatever they did to enslave her. If it hadn't been for Sapphire, I wouldn't have survived.”
He could hear the goat mumbling various things under his breath, barely catching half-heard snippets of words. “Well then,” their benefactor finally said, “this is an interesting development. But, first–” There was another flash and Winter was blasted onto his back by a ball of magic. “That's for failing the task I set to you. And, thanks to both of these failures, the Solar Order is going to know something is happening, even if they can't begin to guess what. I'm going to need to rework the timetable. Redheart!”
The blighter groaned as she slowly picked herself up off the floor. “Sir?”
“Be ready to leave within the hour, Winter will be going with you; if subtlety is beyond you, we might as well use you for something flashy. The rest of you can wait for now, until I can confirm something. Now, leave me be. I need to prepare.”
Winter's staff suddenly sparked to life once more, as did the cloaked mare's protective spells and even Redheart's heart-slowing aura. The stone table sat empty, with no sign of the goat that had once sat at it.
Winter Hex gingerly pulled himself to his hooves, wincing at bit and rubbing his back. “I hate it when he does that.”
Sapphire rolled her eyes. “I know, right? He's one to talk about subtlety~.”
“Irrelevant.” Now that the oppressive feel of the goat's magic was gone, Perfect Pace slid right back into his usual leadership role. “You heard his orders; you two,” he pointed his hoof at Redheart and Winter, “get ready to leave. We have a schedule to keep.”
Winter glanced at Redheart and felt a chill in his stomach as he saw her smile at him. He turned away with a gulp, muttering a prayer to Solar Flare under his breath. Times like this were when he truly regretted his life choices.
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Lyra was here.
She cast her magic on this story... And we couldn't be happier.
Oh ho, is someone around with bells? The evil aligned party really needs some tanks and melee fights. It's too caster heavy to be balanced. Still to stop death is such a crazy thing, and a very bad one if they any real hope of doing it.
7357586
That's why they're taking an interest in Ditzy. She can't feel pain, mortal wounds don't do much to her, and she has strength comparable to canon Big Macintosh; she's about as tanky as they come.
Grogar, eh? Iiinteresting.
Also, I do like seeing things from the "other side" every once and a while, as it were. It really helps enrich the world as a whole. I approve.
Although, this does make it hard to predict exactly what their goals are... it seem like a mixed set of goals. We've got some serving Solar Flare, some seeking to stop Death, and others who's ambitions are unclear.
I love this story. Please keep updating it!
Edit: And finally the cover makes sense. That's Grogar's leg, isn't it?
What are you doing?
Indeed.
What are you implying?
This will not end well.
I wonder...
Cause it's funny.
Wonder what exactly Perfect's position is in all this?
Grogar.
Again, I'm more than happy to help full time. I've got more than enough time on my hands.
You know, i shouldn't be surprised that Grogar showed up. A demonic goat necromancer just sounds like something straight out of a D&D session.
Another enjoyable chapter. Good job.
7357730 - The entire cast sounds like something out of a DnD game.
In this world, it seems the Mane 6 are the most normal ponies around... maybe... unless we find each of them have their own powers that they simply haven't had to display yet.
Glad I could help, especially to help bring out as intriguing a development as this.
I read this like a year ago, really didn't expect it to ever get picked up again. It's still pretty funny, if a bit too blatantly D&D ripoff.
7357862
Well from what I remember from the spin off story, Fluttershy is a Fay creature, sort of a dryad with plant control powers, Applejack is mutated into a Tatzilpony. Twilight be fit right in as a powerful wizard. Not sure about Dash, Pinkie and Rarity. Rarity has seemed to show some sort of martial arts so maybe a monk, Dash as a barbarian?
7357971 What spinoff story?
7358118
The Farmer and the Fae is the one with Fluttershy and Applejack, there's also one called Flash's Demon which I havn't read yet, I don't know if any of the mane 6 get mentioned in that one.
be the folds of the hood made even that unclear
without it's usual melodic timber
1. But.
2. Its.
And so if what they said is true... death won't be able to touch stories either! They'll never die into hiatus/cancelled obscurity!
I'm being too silly right now, don't mind me much.
Glad to be of service.
7357955
It's less a D&D ripoff (you can't really ripoff D&D unless you're mentioning specifically unique things created by it, since most of it is borrowed to begin with) and more just common high-fantasy adventure of which D&D is the most notable figure of.
7358480
Pretty much everyone has a D&D character class, so the comparison kind of forces itself. On reflection, I suppose you might also say it has this "generic Korean MMO" vibe to it, though. I feel reminded of a thousand different media, all of them unoriginal. Not to insult the story with that; this can make for a pretty good comedy, if done well.
7358494
As I said, D&D borrowed much to begin with. "Clerics" "Paladins" "Druids" and such were all things long before D&D. Heck, in the original D&D instead of Halflings they had named them Hobbits. Direct rip from Tolkien, which ended up in the forced name change. The high-fantasy adventure genre was there before D&D, but D&D did help congeal and give it structure. Drawing inspiration from D&D as such, due to its systemic handling of pre-existing ideas and titles/roles in real life, is one thing. But the word you used was ripoff, which has different and negative connotations. I'm also fairly sure the story isn't meant to be a comedy, so saying of an adventure fic "it could pass for a comedy if you do it right" might be a tiny bit insulting there?
7358544
Look, I really don't care enough to argue with you about this. Yes, I think this is inspired by other media to the point that it's derivative. The actual source doesn't really matter that much to me. Considering that it's also fanfiction, I don't think it's that much of a flaw, though. The fact that it makes the setting feel disjointed and like I have no idea what ought to be there and what shouldn't (at this point, anything could pop up and I couldn't honestly say it's out of place) is a bigger one, but that's separate and not something I've actually mentioned up until now.
Considering it's clearly labeled as a comedy right there at the top of the page, I think you simply need a new pair of glasses.
7358551
Having comedy elements and being a comedy story are entirely different things. I think you need to make better use of your words. The way you were coming off using the words you did made it seem, quite plainly, that you were putting down the story in a derisive manner. If this is not the case, then you made the first miscommunication, dear wlam. Since most of us don't particularly realize what we sound like when we open our metaphorical mouths, I'm letting you know that with previous wording you may have made it seem like you were trying to be contentious and dismissive of the text, especially when using the word 'ripoff', and the bit I mentioned earlier.
In which case, I completely understand, happens to all of us, and if that was indeed the case, I apologize for not asking you to clarify on your meaning.
7358572
And I think you need to pull your head out of your ass. There's a reason I normally refuse to even reply to it when you write a comment at me.
:)
Love new chapters!
7358582
I see you continue to grow hostile without good enough cause. For some reason I'd wondered if that'd changed by now. Very well, we're done here. Back to enjoying the story.
end death huh? I see some one has been eating their Dresden Flakes.
its, timbre
I hear the bells. I see the spires. And unbidden my lips do chant the name.
*Squee*
*Squee*
*Squee*
*Explode!*
~Ohhh, yeah... that's the stuff.~
-Ru
Neat, a counter group to the heroes.
UPDATE!
SO. EXCITED.
Pace is an arse.
Yay update!
So we got a little more moving of pieces into place. While a little slow, that's fine. Gotta have things in place before they be properly knocked down.
As to the main plot... Sounds like Grogar caught the final season of Torchwood and thought The Family had the right idea. I look forward to seeing how that plays out. Yay for Derpy Captain Jack!!
7357582
She's also worked it on my muse, so I'm hoping to have updates come out a lot faster.
7357600
That's sort of what I was going for with this chapter, to add some depth to the villains of the story and show they weren't just generic 'bad guys'. That said, I'm at least trying to be a bit vague about what they all actually want, especially Grogar. And yes, that is Grogar's hoof on the cover; I was wondering how many people would realize that's a goat's hoof and not a pony's.
7357654
Chronomancy is a magic that has a lot of variations on the theme of 'Time', with each chronomancer specializing in their own aspect of it. Time Turner has his Save Scumming trick, Perfect Pace messes with the speed time passes, and there are other chronomancers I've discussed with several of my friends with other tricks.
Evil Plans rarely ever do...
Pace is just the type of person who demands respect from anyone he considers to be under him. And there's an idea that a friend of mine floated out that I'm debating about including that would make his actions here make a twisted kind of sense, but I'll hold off on that.
Grogar.
I'll keep that in mind; but, considering how long it had been since my last update, I didn't know if anyone who offered their services before was still willing now.
7357730
To be fair, Grogar was in the plans nearly from the start. Even before this became basically DnD with Ponies.
7357791
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it!
7357862
Well, 7357971 basically already answered the question about the Mane 6 for me, even if only two of them have been revealed for now. But, rest assured, I have plans in the works for them.
7357912
Thanks again for that; I'm not ashamed to admit I spent several minutes geeking out after you offered.
7357955
Well, I'm honestly sorry I couldn't make it more unique than it ended up being, that's probably down to a skill deficit on my part more than anything. Doesn't help that I have a serious amount of love for these sorts of 'Fantasy Kitchen Sink' settings and wanted to emulate them. Still, even if the only enjoyment you get out of this is in a So Bad It's Good way, I suppose I managed to do that at least. I hope the future chapters don't make this too much to bear; but, if they do, you have my preemptive apologies.
7358158
You're so entertaining to watch though!
7358272
Thanks again; I was kinda in a rush to get this thing posted, and you guys really helped.
7358273
7358468
I was honestly surprised I managed to score an EQD feature with this thing, but it's gotten me some level of attention for it, so I can't complain. And yeah, I enjoyed writing the family reunion scene since it was meant to establish that this wasn't the fandom's typical Lyra. As for the paladins, I'm the rare person who actually likes Lawful Good characters; part of what I want to do with the story and the characters in it is to demonstrate that they can be decent characters and that the ones who act like Righteous Fury are doing it wrong. Jury's still out on whether that's going to succeed or not.
7358453
7358480
Please do not get into arguments about the story when others offer their critiques. I understand what you're trying to do, and I'm glad you hold the story in such high regard, but Wlam's opinions on it are just as valid as yours. Plus, the simple fact of the matter is, he's 100% right; I've never pretended this story isn't a blatant ripoff of a lot of things, DnD being the most prominent, and the sheer absurdity of it means that the concept is meant to be taken with a bit of humor over the whole thing. It's why the comedy tag is up there and the romance tag isn't despite the fact I'm using several characters people ship together and a lot of them are in relationships with each other.
Again, I'm glad you like my story enough to defend it, but please don't go taking issue with legitimate critiques.
7358744
I love them too, hope I can make more!
7359225
This wasn't something I originally had in mind, but it did get added very near the beginning. And yes, the cloaked mare is based on exactly who you're thinking of... if only I could actually think of a fitting Pony name for her.
7359406
The reference goes a bit over my head, but the timber/timbre thing is actually a discrepancy between American English and British English; sort of like how one uses 'color' and the other uses 'colour'. And, as I am an American, I simply prefer to use the spellings I was brought up with.
7359629
Need help putting yourself back together?
7361537
I find it best when the bad guys have more than one villain leading an army of mooks; personal preference, I know, but it's just how it is with me.
7361908
Hopefully with more to come!
7362235
Yes, yes he is; but that was always my intention with him, so I guess that works out.
7362858
Yeah, the pacing is the hardest part of this for me. Can't have it move too fast, or it feels forced and anti-climactic; but I really do think I need to start pushing things along, if only so I don't bore my readers.
And she's more like Dr. Owen Harper, if you want to be accurate.
7365404
So, Time Turner can Save Scum, Perfect Pace has a speed up/slow down button. Neat.
Fair enough.
As I said, I've got more than enough time to do it.
7365404
I did wince a little to hear you say that. I hope the criticism didn't come across as harsher than warranted. I did enjoy reading this, although more for the characters than the setting. As you are clearly aware enough yourself, it does come across as something of a "Massive Everything Mashup." I don't really mind it much, it's part of what's interesting about it. I think it would be more interesting if you did more with it, though. I do understand that this isn't really what you're writing the story for, but something I'm personally missing is some real exploration of how all those differences make the world different from the one we know. Earth ponies who cast spells all over the place! That's pretty big deal right there.
The biggest thing you need to keep in mind right now is to not just keep introducing more and more things until the setting completely makes no sense anymore. It's already somewhat in danger of that - no revelation about new things really came as a surprise to me, because at this point, I'm kind of expecting anything from it. If there's one big criticism I have with it so far, that would be it.
7365428
Honestly, I really wish I could do more with the setting than I have done. I love world-building to an almost unhealthy degree and would love to just gush about my thoughts on the setting as a whole and how it all meshes into a semi-cohesive whole.
The problem, however, is I don't know how to actually do so without completely derailing the story I'm already telling. I've indulged a bit in one of my blog posts, basically telling a creation myth type of story about how Nightmare Moon played out in this verse, but it's a far cry from what we're talking about here.
Seriously, if you have any suggestions as to how to find a happy medium between these two, I'd gladly accept the help.
7365404 21 responses in one post ... I don't know if that's a record, but my hat's off to you anyway
7357971 Something like that. In this order, "anticlimactic", "exactly what you'd expect", and "the last thing you'd expect".
It likely wouldn't happen in this story, but if the AU expands enough past that chances are you'll see what I'm talking about. In any case, rest assured that we have ideas for the three that have not been touched on at all in the expanded universe.
7365459
Well, I can really speak only for what I personally would like to see more in the story. If it helps you any, I'm glad to offer what I have, though. You're really not very far in yet, so there is really a lot of freedom there. 40,000 words is, relatively speaking, not all that much, after all, depending on how long you want the story to be.
What I personally kept wondering about throughout the story is "what is Celestia doing through all of that?" It's a very relevant question, especially after the latest two chapters. That an empowered cleric has shown up who worships her darker half doesn't bode for anything good, after all. You could easily cut to her and Luna a few times and in that show off a few of the changes to larger Equestria and the Equestrian social order.
Another option is Shining Armor, who has been mentioned at least a few times in his function as the grandmaster of the Solar paladin order. Cut to him a few times, let him speak for himself. Through that, you might also show off (or at least mention) the perspectives of the show's cast. Personally, I imagine Twilight would make a great artificer or factotum.
Finally, you could do more scenes in the vein of what you did in that chapter centered around Derpy - which I very much enjoyed, by the way - but in an environment that's not restricted to being in one single pub all chapter long. Give the characters more downtime, in other words. It's all very action-heavy so far, which is not in and of itself a bad thing, but also doesn't allow you to show off much that's outside the immediate conflict.
(The Lunar paladin order is named the "Order of the Bitter Rose." This is now story canon.)
Wait wait. Time Turner .... turns back time. Perfect Pace ... sets the Pace.
How did I not notice.
s32.postimg.org/rlx5d9n8l/x_Hz_EW6_L.gif
7365553
Well, with Celestia and Luna, the majority of questions about them can be answered with this blog post: http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/579892/world-building-the-nightmare-war-and-the-fall-of-the-sisters
And yeah, the downtime thing is something I could see happening more often. When I originally conceived this story, I had this vision of a 'darker version of the show' type of fic. Where characters would die, or there would be times when the best they could hope for was a bittersweet ending, but still a setting where love and friendship were the strongest magic in the world.
Maybe it's time I started focusing more on that idea again.
And the thing about Shining is a decent idea, I'll see about putting in a few scenes with him and other canons as well. They could help add some depth to the story.
7365701
I was thinking more about how this all seems to concern them pretty directly, but they're themselves not very present in the story at all. The paladins seems to have a solid degree of actual legal authority, what with the wards thing, so I'd expect this to eventually come to their ears at some point. Unless they have a reason not to intervene, their input on the situation seems relevant.
But yeah, even if you don't want to do that, which is fair enough for keeping the story at a comparatively low power and social level, the rest is probably a good idea. I'd recommend for it.
(Seeing as you might yet bring that kind of thing up in the story, I'll not read that blog post for the moment, by the way. I'd rather not spoil myself. I'll pick it up if it becomes apparent that the story will never move there.)
7365404
As I said, it was the wording coming off as an attack rather than neutral criticism. Not the nature of the critique itself. Just consider it a personal dispute rather than a defense of your works against all comers. Either way, the matter was settled days ago, no worries.
7365404 The 'reference' is just a very pretentious way of referring to Grogar and the lost city of Tambelon.
7365586
I really wish I could take credit for something like that, but the truth of the matter is I honestly did not plan it at all.
7365792
Either way; just be warned that I will start deleting comments if such an argument takes place again. I appreciate the intent beyond your actions, but they were still largely unnecessary and came across as more of personal attack on Wlam than anything constructive. And no, I don't condone him resorting to personal attacks in return.
7366133
Ah, I see. It just sounded like something from a book or something.
7366190 Well, if my career pans out the way I hope it does, maybe one day it will be a quote from a book.
7366190
That's entirely fine. As I said, I took issue with the wording making otherwise valid criticism appear overly harsh and dismissive. I brought it up, and the situation devolved from there. It was settled satisfactorily without exploding into some big issue, requiring nothing further. If you want to expunge the whole thing, I'm not one of the many people I've encountered in this community who screeches over that and forms hate groups if you do so. If you have anything further you'd like to discuss, feel free to shoot me a PM.
7365404
I like interesting villains. Stories where you can get almost as invested in the antagonists as you can the protagonists are the best.
And when I first saw the cover, I thought it was a pony's leg, albiet subject to some rot. Once Grogar was shown though, the coloring and little nubs on the back side made sense.
Grogar having an interest in a necromancer and a lich can't be a good thing, especially since he himself is a necromancer of some power... at least he's called a necromancer, can't say what you have in store for him yet.
I hadn't thought of the story that way before. But now that you've mentioned it, perhaps I should have. Interestingly enough, I'm involved in a current DnD session with ponies, and I happen to play a pegasus necromancer.
And I should really finish the first chapter of the Wibd Mage and the Blue Knight shouldn't I?
Grogar? It's gotta be Grogar.
Aaand just like that I'm rooting for the antagonists.
This is death Stockholme Syndrome if I've ever heard it.
Once upon a time there was a dragon that terrorized a village, demanding regular sacrifices of the people. One day a knight came by and offered to slay the dragon and end its murder. The people were appalled. The dragon was a fact of life. You couldn't just 'stop' the dragon, nor should you! Why, without the dragon constantly taking people, their village would soon be overpopulated and ruined!
Kind of upset that the 'bad guys' are probably going to lose in the end. Assuming, of course, stopping death is the entirety of their plan.
7366861
Yes.
7371170
Honestly surprised more people aren't telling me to have the villains win.